Number 9: A map (to help that special someone find their way out of your life) Number 8: A gift card for therapy Gift cards are everywhere, even though they shouldn’t be. While I’m sure they’d love a Paramount+ subscription, there’s only so many times you can watch ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ without wanting to do something maverick yourself. Like staging an intervention, perhaps, on a much more psychological level. If you can’t find the time to pray for them at the Church of Scientology, then maybe a more radical approach is required to peel away the layers of that onion you call Gran. God knows she loves an audience, mainly because she won’t give him a minute’s bloody peace. Even he took the seventh day to rest and so should she. Learning is life-long which means it’s never too late to start. Zimmer frames sold separately. #yolo “I ran out of witch’s totems. Sorry.” Number 11: A coffin Want to give your friends and family the ultimate student accommodation experience? SiA Bolig loves dark humour almost as much as we do, so why not go all in with the winter range, that’s kitted out with the latest accessories? Touchscreen? Yes. Surround sound speakers. Duh! You can decorate them with stickers, graffiti and the axe body spray you gave them earlier. They even come with windows now, although you’ll have to buy your own bed linen and pillows. It’s a comfy fit but, then again, the money you’ll save on heating will more than make up for it. Help that special someone feel at home, and take the time to appreciate that you had the last laugh. Literally. Suggested Christmas classics for (your new) home entertainment: - ‘Room’ - ‘Panic Room’ - ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’ “Watch your step. It might be your last.” If telling someone to choose love doesn’t work, then a map might help them go into the wilderness, and never be found again. Just mark a spot, tell them there’s a pot at the end of the rainbow, and maybe hire an assassin to get the job done (they have student discounts now, such is the demand). Who doesn’t love a scavenger hunt? Especially the police! You’re gifting them a more interesting day on the job, and yourself some inner peace. Karma is a bitch, but then again, so are we. If you can’t afford to hire an assassin, pray the wind blows the map out of their cold hands. Remember: “After all, Xmas marks the spot.” Number 10: One way ticket out of the country Who doesn’t love a vacation? Forever. While Guantanamo Bay is always fully booked, unfortunately, there are a myriad of other global destinations hostile to freedom, humanity and a trend-setting fashion sense that will give your recipient the once-in-a-lifetime chance to work on their personal development without the distraction of your awesomeness. While there’s usually plenty of room in Chernobyl, Alcatraz is surrounded by water which will make it more difficult to escape from (although not impossible, as Adam and Alice can attest). If your loved ones don’t appreciate the brutalist architecture of a Category A maximum security prison now, they will, of course, with time. Always remember: “Every angel needs a devil, and that’s where I come in. Sleigh!” Number 12: Your autograph Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, you’ve joined the elite to become the world-famous celebrity you always knew you could be, because you put yourself first before anyone else! It wasn’t easy but, then again, blinding success never is. Adam and Alice are ready to welcome you to our annual awards dinner on the balcony of the Radisson Blu hotel overlooking the fireworks display on New Year’s Eve with a glass of champagne in one hand and a Golden Globe nomination in the other, because you, dear reader, are a present worth celebrating. We wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! We genuinely mean that. Or do we? “And the winner is… you, as expected. Skål (and crossbones).” 30
Registrer deg — og — vinn Registrer deg gratis i UiAs alumninettverk før nyttår. Vi trekker ti vinnere som får kinobilletter eller kantinegavekort. Både nåværende og tidligere studenter har mulighet til å registrere seg i nettverket. <strong>DESEMBER</strong> 2023 <strong>UNIKUM</strong> NR 10 31
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