DESEMBER_UNIKUM_WEB

Number 9: A map (to help that special
someone find their way out of your life)
Number 8: A gift card for therapy
Gift cards are everywhere, even though they shouldn’t
be. While I’m sure they’d love a Paramount+ subscription,
there’s only so many times you can watch ‘Top Gun:
Maverick’ without wanting to do something maverick
yourself. Like staging an intervention, perhaps, on a
much more psychological level. If you can’t find the
time to pray for them at the Church of Scientology, then
maybe a more radical approach is required to peel away
the layers of that onion you call Gran. God knows she
loves an audience, mainly because she won’t give him a
minute’s bloody peace. Even he took the seventh day to
rest and so should she. Learning is life-long which means
it’s never too late to start. Zimmer frames sold separately.
#yolo
“I ran out of witch’s totems. Sorry.”
Number 11: A coffin
Want to give your friends and family the ultimate student
accommodation experience? SiA Bolig loves dark humour
almost as much as we do, so why not go all in with the
winter range, that’s kitted out with the latest accessories?
Touchscreen? Yes. Surround sound speakers. Duh! You can
decorate them with stickers, graffiti and the axe body spray
you gave them earlier. They even come with windows now,
although you’ll have to buy your own bed linen and pillows.
It’s a comfy fit but, then again, the money you’ll save on
heating will more than make up for it. Help that special
someone feel at home, and take the time to appreciate
that you had the last laugh. Literally. Suggested Christmas
classics for (your new) home entertainment:
- ‘Room’
- ‘Panic Room’
- ‘Bram Stoker’s Dracula’
“Watch your step. It might be your last.”
If telling someone to choose love doesn’t work,
then a map might help them go into the wilderness,
and never be found again. Just mark a spot, tell
them there’s a pot at the end of the rainbow, and
maybe hire an assassin to get the job done (they
have student discounts now, such is the demand).
Who doesn’t love a scavenger hunt? Especially the
police! You’re gifting them a more interesting day
on the job, and yourself some inner peace. Karma is
a bitch, but then again, so are we. If you can’t afford
to hire an assassin, pray the wind blows the map out
of their cold hands.
Remember: “After all, Xmas marks the spot.”
Number 10: One way ticket out of the country
Who doesn’t love a vacation? Forever. While Guantanamo
Bay is always fully booked, unfortunately, there are a myriad
of other global destinations hostile to freedom, humanity and
a trend-setting fashion sense that will give your recipient
the once-in-a-lifetime chance to work on their personal
development without the distraction of your awesomeness.
While there’s usually plenty of room in Chernobyl, Alcatraz
is surrounded by water which will make it more difficult to
escape from (although not impossible, as Adam and Alice
can attest). If your loved ones don’t appreciate the brutalist
architecture of a Category A maximum security prison now,
they will, of course, with time.
Always remember: “Every angel needs a devil, and that’s
where I come in. Sleigh!”
Number 12: Your autograph
Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, you’ve
joined the elite to become the world-famous celebrity
you always knew you could be, because you put yourself
first before anyone else! It wasn’t easy but, then again,
blinding success never is. Adam and Alice are ready to
welcome you to our annual awards dinner on the balcony
of the Radisson Blu hotel overlooking the fireworks
display on New Year’s Eve with a glass of champagne
in one hand and a Golden Globe nomination in the
other, because you, dear reader, are a present worth
celebrating. We wish you a very Merry Christmas and a
Happy New Year! We genuinely mean that. Or do we?
“And the winner is… you, as expected. Skål (and
crossbones).”
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