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Number 3: A mirror (which present<br />
is the fairest of them all?)<br />
When the opportunity presents itself for<br />
somebody to take something the wrong way,<br />
always go for it. Is your chosen recipient in love<br />
with their own face almost as much as yours?<br />
Check. Should they consider it a philosophical<br />
message surrounding selfie culture, which<br />
offers copious amounts of academic research to<br />
keep them quiet (since you’ve read all of them<br />
already, of course)? Check. Besides, if the mirror<br />
arrives cracked, they’ll have to deal with all the<br />
bad luck. As it should be. Check.<br />
Line: “I don’t need this anymore as there was<br />
nothing to improve. Sorry not sorry.”<br />
Number 4: A total make-over (so you<br />
can look them in the face without crying)<br />
If their personality can’t be saved, maybe their<br />
looks can? Gifting someone a total make-over is a<br />
great way to save your eyes from going blind, and<br />
save them from looking like the ugly-duckling next<br />
to you. It can easily be shrugged off as a spa-day,<br />
or allows them to fix the insecurities they should<br />
be worried about. Maybe if you’re extra lucky,<br />
someone else might become interested in them,<br />
and take them off your hands!<br />
Line: “Beauty isn’t everything, but when you have<br />
no personality it certainly helps.”<br />
Number 5: Nasal hair remover<br />
(they’ll even get to keep them)<br />
Imagine the face of your enemy when they<br />
open this magnificent present. We’re now<br />
entering the territory of gifts that might make<br />
them get the memo. However, you can easily<br />
play this one off as a helpful suggestion. You’re<br />
their friend, and you “obviously” have good<br />
intentions. Although you’re not creative enough<br />
to come up with your own gift ideas. Negative<br />
effects: it might make it easier for them to<br />
breathe.<br />
“There’s no need to beat around the bush!”<br />
Number 6: Axe body spray (in lieu of<br />
an actual axe)<br />
If you’ve ever been to a high school, you’ll know<br />
the scent of this menace to society. One would<br />
think you’d get rid of it when you graduate, but<br />
our lovely editor in chief had other plans. If<br />
you’ve already fought the desire to get an actual<br />
axe, this is a great replacement. The receiver<br />
will feel invincible, whilst failing at gaining<br />
attention from the opposite sex (like normal).<br />
However, the same sex may be attracted which<br />
will definitely prove for a more interesting night<br />
out. I can guarantee you this scent will not draw<br />
in the right people. Perfect for your mischievous<br />
plans.<br />
“Ugh, you’re gross. Spray that body!”<br />
Number 7: Self-help books (because,<br />
obviously, you don’t need them)<br />
If you’ve not been able to chase away your<br />
present receiver already, you might need to<br />
take the matter into your own hands (but not<br />
like that, yet). Gifting them a self-help book, to<br />
at least partially improve their presence in your<br />
life, could be beneficial. Or it will give them some<br />
qualities that are a replica of a decent personality.<br />
Our suggestions include (but are not limited to):<br />
- ‘Girl, Wash Your Face’ by Rachel Hollis<br />
- ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ by Ichiro Kishimi<br />
- ‘Maybe You Should Talk to Someone’ by Lori<br />
Gottlieb<br />
“Be thankful it wasn’t Mein Kampf.”<br />
<strong>DESEMBER</strong> 2023 <strong>UNIKUM</strong> NR 10 29