DESEMBER_UNIKUM_WEB

Number 3: A mirror (which present
is the fairest of them all?)
When the opportunity presents itself for
somebody to take something the wrong way,
always go for it. Is your chosen recipient in love
with their own face almost as much as yours?
Check. Should they consider it a philosophical
message surrounding selfie culture, which
offers copious amounts of academic research to
keep them quiet (since you’ve read all of them
already, of course)? Check. Besides, if the mirror
arrives cracked, they’ll have to deal with all the
bad luck. As it should be. Check.
Line: “I don’t need this anymore as there was
nothing to improve. Sorry not sorry.”
Number 4: A total make-over (so you
can look them in the face without crying)
If their personality can’t be saved, maybe their
looks can? Gifting someone a total make-over is a
great way to save your eyes from going blind, and
save them from looking like the ugly-duckling next
to you. It can easily be shrugged off as a spa-day,
or allows them to fix the insecurities they should
be worried about. Maybe if you’re extra lucky,
someone else might become interested in them,
and take them off your hands!
Line: “Beauty isn’t everything, but when you have
no personality it certainly helps.”
Number 5: Nasal hair remover
(they’ll even get to keep them)
Imagine the face of your enemy when they
open this magnificent present. We’re now
entering the territory of gifts that might make
them get the memo. However, you can easily
play this one off as a helpful suggestion. You’re
their friend, and you “obviously” have good
intentions. Although you’re not creative enough
to come up with your own gift ideas. Negative
effects: it might make it easier for them to
breathe.
“There’s no need to beat around the bush!”
Number 6: Axe body spray (in lieu of
an actual axe)
If you’ve ever been to a high school, you’ll know
the scent of this menace to society. One would
think you’d get rid of it when you graduate, but
our lovely editor in chief had other plans. If
you’ve already fought the desire to get an actual
axe, this is a great replacement. The receiver
will feel invincible, whilst failing at gaining
attention from the opposite sex (like normal).
However, the same sex may be attracted which
will definitely prove for a more interesting night
out. I can guarantee you this scent will not draw
in the right people. Perfect for your mischievous
plans.
“Ugh, you’re gross. Spray that body!”
Number 7: Self-help books (because,
obviously, you don’t need them)
If you’ve not been able to chase away your
present receiver already, you might need to
take the matter into your own hands (but not
like that, yet). Gifting them a self-help book, to
at least partially improve their presence in your
life, could be beneficial. Or it will give them some
qualities that are a replica of a decent personality.
Our suggestions include (but are not limited to):
- ‘Girl, Wash Your Face’ by Rachel Hollis
- ‘The Courage to Be Disliked’ by Ichiro Kishimi
- ‘Maybe You Should Talk to Someone’ by Lori
Gottlieb
“Be thankful it wasn’t Mein Kampf.”
DESEMBER 2023 UNIKUM NR 10 29