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SATIRE<br />
Merry F<br />
king Christmas<br />
A celebration of passive aggressiveness.<br />
Alice Soleng<br />
Writer<br />
Adam Zawadzki<br />
Writer<br />
Illustration: Freepik // freepik<br />
For those of you that love throwing shade, as much as standing in it looking creepy, the festive season is the<br />
perfect time to unleash your inner Scrooge! Not only was he a sexy icon of frugality (those varicose veins, yum)<br />
trying as hard as he might to avoid spending any time with anyone, even he succumbed to the clutches of a<br />
family dinner by the end of the film. Have no fear, however, for Adam and Alice (the bitch reporters) are here to<br />
make sure that you won’t have to suffer the same unholy fate. With the winter holidays once again threatening<br />
constant happiness, what better way to show your friends and family how much you “appreciate” them, than by<br />
gifting them a present they will never forget, no matter how much they may want to. No, please, don’t thank us.<br />
Warning, they get progressively more offensive (or effective).<br />
Number 1: You (not the Netflix series)<br />
Isn’t your presence a gift enough? Why bother<br />
spending lots of money for something that will<br />
be used once, when the amazing person that<br />
you are is a blessing already. Besides, this gift<br />
works for almost anyone. Can’t be bothered to<br />
go to the store? Just put on some fancy clothes,<br />
your fakest smile, and have a go at everyone.<br />
It’s a classic.<br />
Repeat after us: “What better way to enjoy the<br />
present, when the present is me!”<br />
Number 2: Tins (food, non-perishable:<br />
unlike your relationship)<br />
The process is thus: walk into your nearest<br />
department store and loudly command “show me<br />
the beans.” At this point, Sharon, the customer<br />
service advisor, will highlight the relevant aisle<br />
if there isn’t a beam of light emanating from it<br />
already, much like the star that helped guide the<br />
three wise men. A task that took three men two<br />
thousand years ago, however, only takes one today,<br />
since there is now a woman to help. Thanks Sharon.<br />
Isn’t she great?! Advance!<br />
Repeat after us: “Now you can go out alone at night<br />
again as tins aren’t registered weapons. Yet.”<br />
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