JUNE 2022. Blues Vol 38 No. 6.1

By A.L. Jones war

By A.L. Jones war stories from IA Most of my readers know that I have been around longer than dirt. Thirty-five years to be exact. I am the old man in the department. The dinosaur (the other names may not be printed and a few the officers hold copyrights to) the one that has seen it all, the one that tells true stories that are too wild to have happened, and the one who has heard it all - not. As long as there are police, there will be police stories. They are more commonly known as War Stories. War stories are commonplace in all sectors of police work. I worked in Internal Affairs for the longest time and the stories we tell are no different. Only we are actually laughing with the accused not at them. Sooner or later, everyone will screw up. Usually with a little help of a co-conspirator who influenced the officer at the time. The co-conspirator is usually intoxicants beer, wine, Jack (Daniels), or some other illegal substance. Though humorous in most of the following, the officers were severely punished up to and including termination. Here are a few on the many I’ve heard or experienced. LOST IN SPACE An officer failed to report for duty for several days. The supervisor made the obligatory phone calls and visited the home to ensure the safety and well-being of the officer. The supervisor made no contact with the officer or his patrol vehicle. A few days later the officer returned to work with the following explanation: While on the way home from the end of his shift, he became extremely ill and drove himself to a hospital in the state capital (names and cities removed) that was some 50 miles away. He has in hand an excuse from the hospital, stating he was treated released after 3 days. The chief of police became suspicious and initiates an investigation. The first thing to raise the scale of suspicion is that the city he lives in, had a reputable hospital. The investigation revealed that the officer left work and met his girlfriend. She had enough cocaine to keep them going for a few days. The officer having never taken cocaine goes on a magical mystery tour with the girlfriend. Three days later, the light in the old brain goes on and he knew he had better come up with a good story. Girlfriend types a fake excuse and has it notarized. You have to admit they tried. Sadly, the bosses didn’t buy the story and he was fired. GHOSTS An officer is out on the road in a secluded part of a county. He was the only officer on duty after midnight. He had served in that capacity for many years. He was bored and did not have enough to keep him entertained. One evening the officer puts a call for help in that shots were fired at him while he was seated in his patrol car. The entire state responds, all off duty officers are summoned, and the state investigation unit is notified. The officer told investigators he was checking a man walking on the roadway. Before he could leave his unit, the man pulled a automatic pistol from his pants and began firing. The officer slumped into the passenger seat to avoid being shot. After the shots were fired the man flees into a wooded area and the officer chased the man eventually losing him. The officer described the man that he shot at him with a 1911 semi-automatic firearm. All six rounds are placed perfectly dead center over the steering wheel. Just one problem, no semi-automatic pistol shell casings were found on the roadway. In fact no casings were found anywhere. On the other hand, the lead projectiles recovered from the front seat of the patrol car were .38 caliber. Ballistics from the officer’s .38 backup pistol were a perfect match. As Bill Engval would say - Here’s your sign. PARTY ANIMAL One officer loved to party. He was first there and last to leave any party thrown by fellow officers. There was to be a party one weekend night. The officer was going to be there. However, earlier in the day he and a few buddies were working at one of the officer’s homes. Beer and Jack (Daniels) were flowing most of the day. The officer, already intoxicated, decided to drive his take home car to the party. He took what he thought was an alternative route - the railroad track would be quicker. Two miles later all four tires are deflated, the front end destroyed, as well as the transmission. He left the car next to the railroad and walked the rest of the way. He was taken home by one of the designated drivers who had no idea of what transpired. Next day he awakens to find his take home car gone. He did not remember a thing. A report was made, and a BOLO issued. A train crew found it within hours. Moral of this story if you do something like this at least remember where you left it. There are lots more stories in this old brain, but I’m old and retired and I need a nap. 82 The BLUES POLICE MAGAZINE The BLUES POLICE MAGAZINE 83 82 The BLUES POLICE MAGAZINE The BLUES POLICE MAGAZINE 83