Lacuna Issue 2: Utterance

lacuna
issue 2: utterance

Jessica Out
of the Closet
A light-hearted week, if I can dare to call it that, calls for a
conversation about a lovely bright light in the YouTube
community. I have been packing and working quite a lot
the last couple of weeks, trying to get caught up and
prepared for the unknown school year ahead. I have been
feeling a bit gloomy and stir crazy which is resulting in
some expected body negativity and self-deprecating talk.
During breaks I have been revisiting a favorite YouTuber,
educator, vintage fashion model, and LGBTQ+ advocate:
Jessica Kellgren-Fozard. Classy Jessica radiates relentless
optimism in red lipstick and a stunning array of 1950s-60s
style garments while sharing in her many videos what it’s
like being a married lesbian in the U.K, being deaf and
disabled, and how everyone can approach these
conversations.
“Hello, lovely people!” Jessica starts each video both vocally
and in sign language, typically with a bright smile and
pushing back her Old Hollywood-styled red curls. New
viewers and passersby often comment on her classically
feminine fashion sense; although she dons pearls, hair
flowers, and traditionally feminine silhouettes, she assures
her viewers she is a progressive feminist who identifies as
“very gay,” and her clothing choices are not intertwined
with traditional ideals for women. Before she became ill in
her teen years, Jessica had an affinity for fun vintage
clothing and carries that love with her today. Having
eczema as a young girl caused her parents to search for
modest clothing. She wore many handmade garments
from her grandmother, which were often in a 1950s style.
Now she loves to say she did not choose vintage, rather
vintage simply chose her. “People are going to look at you
anyway, so you should give them something to look at,”
Jessica says in a video titled "Is Fashion Important to
Disabled People?" She wears what she likes and what
makes her happy, like any able-bodied person would.
Jessica points out that she doesn’t wear her hair down to
cover her hearing aids or hide any of the things she may
have to wear that help her. She’s proud of her “flouncy,
colorful, and occasionally freakishly eccentric” vintage
style, and I am inspired by how she is so unapologetically
herself in the collaboration of her clothes and the aids she
must sometimes wear.
Being raised in an open-minded Quaker family allowed
Jessica to organically express crushes on female figures
and see all people as equal from an early age. She says
she never really “came out” to her family, she just loved all
things feminine so much that her sexuality was never a
large and looming question. She is now openly married to
wife Claudia who appears in many videos on her channel;
including one entitled "My Wife is Not an Angel." Jessica
often speaks to the common misconception that disabled
people who appear to be functioning “properly” in the
world are warriors and likewise that anyone who enters a
romantic relationship with a disabled person must be a
saint or an angel. This idea, in Jessica Kellgren-Fozard’s
opinion, is damaging and almost seems to discredit the
love between the two of them. When we call someone an
inspiration just for existing, Jessica says we are “othering”
them, which means to treat someone as unequal or
create a hierarchy within the disabled community. She
also addresses the war-language that we tend to attach to
people who are unwell in any fashion, we say they are
fighting a cold or battling cancer/chronic illness; this feeds
the idea that disabled persons can overcome anything if
they just TRY hard enough, and oftentimes that is not the
case. In the case of cancer, there is a possibility of an after
where the person overcomes the disease and gets better.
Yet with a chronic illness, there is only accepting your
unwell body and actively working to live the best way
possible for you. Jessica admits that it’s terrifying to accept
a future where there is no after the illness, yet there is
positivity for her in accepting that she is not her illness--
she is Jessica, and she is valid without being brave or
inspirational. Her personal take may not be that of every
self-identified disabled person, yet she provides an
interesting scope for able-bodied people to look through
and question how they interact with and speak to people
with disabilities.

Jessica Out
of the Closet
“Sometimes the only way to make you feel better is to
share with you that I...am also panicking,” Jessica says in a
recent video addressing the COVID-19 pandemic from the
point of view of a person with chronic illness/an
autoimmune disease. Since a worldwide pandemic has
been warped into a political conversation, let’s chat about
ableism! Ableism is a form of discrimination that favors
able-bodied people. Important to note is the fact that not
all disabilities are directly visible to the average person,
and not all disabilities create a severe physical obstacle for
getting through the world around us. Jessica in particular
is deaf, blind in one eye, has Hereditary Neuropathy with
liability to Pressure Palsies (HNPP- disorder of the
peripheral nerves), and Mixed Connective Tissue Disorder
(MCTD- an autoimmune disease where the body’s defense
system attacks itself). She can, and does, experience
short-term paralysis and/or joint dislocation from time to
time. Luckily, Claudia has a degree in anatomy and knows
how to, in Jessica’s words, “put things back in when they
fall out (thank goodness).” Unless she is in a state where
she must use braces, crutches, or a wheelchair, it is very
likely that Jessica will not appear to be disabled to the
regular eye; this has caused her some discomfort and
unfortunate situations in public environments. For
example, she tells one story in particular about leaving a
handicapped bathroom and receiving a nasty comment
from a woman waiting outside because she didn’t “look
handicapped.” This narrative is actually quite popular and
shows me that we must be more patient altogether when
passing judgement about someone in a handicapped
parking spot, restroom, or requesting accommodations;
we never know someone’s medical history and what may
be happening to them internally.
“... while shockingly I may
not look disabled, I am
actually at the level of
disability where I need
another human in order to
properly function.” Jessica
laughs, “Don’t let the red
lipstick fool you.”
Jessica Kellgren-Fozard is an educator I respect for her
vulnerability, fashion sense, love of her dogs, and
willingness to keep learning and sharing knowledge with
the world. I have found Jessica’s channel quite educational
(speaking as someone who does not struggle with
illnesses that affect my physical ability to move about the
world around me), and I value resources like Jessica’s
channel to help me understand how to have
conversations about ableism and LGBTQ+ inclusion in all
outlets. Jessica's website has a contact section advertising
her work as a model/presenter, social media consultant,
accessibility consultant, and more. I encourage following
Jessica’s channel for frequent and worthwhile content. I
admire how bright a light she is in the sometimes-toxic
world of YouTube; she is a fashion icon and beauty
reviewer creating her own niche in the world while
educating and sharing her own experiences with anyone
who may find them valuable. This piece has been full of
direct quotes from Jessica, because there’s no one better
to tell her story than herself. She has been an inspiration
to me because of her positivity and love of education, and
I hope readers who are new to her content will also fall in
love with her lovely personality.
Stay educating yourself, stay groovy.
To visit Jessica’s Website:
https://jessicaoutofthecloset.co.uk/
Her YouTube channel: Jessica Kellgren-Fozard
Her lovely Instagram: @jessicaoutofthecloset
Wife Duo (super gay and lovely) Instagram:
@jessieandclaud
written by
Chelsea
Cheyenne

8 minutes
46 seconds
by James Ross

A Letter to Other Aspiring White
Allies, On Reading Lists and
Taking Breaks
Recently circulating around Twitter and other social media
networks are screencaps from the current line-up on the
NYT Bestseller’s List. The Non-Fiction, Children’s Picture,
Children’s Middle Grade, and YA lists are overwhelmingly
showing trends of the current social climate, no doubt
partially due to high volumes of book lists being circulated
around different platforms in efforts to encourage White
people and White allies to educate themselves more on
current issues and the complexity of race and racism as a
whole. This is uplifting news to be sure, but my main
concern when it comes to the reading habits of fellow
White readers is that it’s too much too soon. Let me
explain;
In “White Fragility” Robin DiAngelo speaks specifically on
the centrality of White narratives. White people are able to
comfortably live in a racist, capitalist society
unquestioningly because we are not forced from a young
age to think critically about it. In doing so, we are able to
see ourselves as the observer, someone without bias or
influence, because we have the access and benefit of
seeing ourselves as the default. Because we live highly
segregated lives in our majority White neighborhoods,
schools, workplaces, and media we receive little to no
accurate information about racism during our childhoods
and young adulthood, leaving us unprepared to process
and critically analyze this information when it comes to us.
This lack of critical growth results in us, as DiAngelo
explains, reacting with disbelief, aggression, and tears
when confronted with something that goes against the
limited information and contorted narratives we have
consumed our whole lives. So, when White people begin
consuming information and media that contradicts what
we know, it’s exhausting. We haven’t had a lifetime to
develop an awareness or reflexive critical muscles when it
comes to discussing Black lives and experiences in
particular. Which brings me to my main point;
It’s important for White people to read more than just
torture porn. Torture porn as a term comes from critiques
in Hollywood of modern horror films, most notably films
like Hostel 2, that have no story whatsoever, but rather
rely on gratuitous images of gore and dismemberment.
This can further be applied to other forms of torture,
wether it’s physical, emotional, or mental. I would define a
grand majority of popular media consumed by White
people centralized on Black people specifically to be a
form of torture porn. Such examples would be 12 Years a
Slave, Django Unchained, and novels like Beloved and The
Color Purple. This is not to say that these stories are
unimportant. They are crucial and harrowing and powerful
to witness and engage with. However, I believe that the
issue lies in ONLY consuming narratives that center
around Black pain and suffering. When White people start
to decentralize themselves and consume Black narratives,
we do so with preconceived notions of what a Black
narrative can look like. We read and watch them with
expectations and even trepanations. We expect to see
Black people in pain. We expect to see Black people sad.
We expect to see Black people hurt. We expect to see
Black people die.
I believe that when DiAngelo talks about decentralizing
ourselves from modern storytelling and media it means
taking it further. Yes, we should not ignore pain, sadness,
hurting, and death in Black lives and Black stories.
However, when we centralize this as the media we
consume and the media that we allow, we are imposing
limitations on Black artists and storytellers based on our
image of what Black stories and art SHOULD be.
Therefore, my main concern surrounding Whites who are
just now beginning to engage in social theory and reading
these dense works will perpetuate the consumption of
Black trauma in modern storytelling, while also burning
themselves out. Reading social theory is difficult and
draining. It takes time to not only read but digest and put
into action.

A Letter to Other Aspiring White
Allies, On Reading Lists and
Taking Breaks
So, my main piece of advice and action plan would be to
encourage and to some degree, instruct, White readers
not to take a break. I keep seeing this on social media. We
are told to pace ourselves and take breaks for the sake of
our mental well-being, and I agree to a certain point. We
should be pacing ourselves and our re-education so as
not to burn out before we can be effective allies. However,
we should not be taking breaks. I think saying this is very
misleading. When we say “take a break” I believe that it
encourages Whites to recenter themselves and their
narratives. It encourages us to go to what is comfortable
and familiar, which, unfortunately, is White centric
narratives and storytelling. As a society that devours
media such as serialized shows, novels, online magazines,
movies, comics, video games, ect. we are never taking a
break from consuming some form of media. However, we
can start to shift who we centralize in our personal
viewing.
So yes, I do agree that Whites should take time to read
dense social theory about race, and that we should take
time to digest it and think about it critically. But reading
social theory is not enough. To put it in Southern terms,
we have to walk our talk too. We have to read more than
just the heavy theory and the torture porn. We also need
to read Black authors of all genres and disciplines. We
need to watch movies by Black directors, producers, and
writers that show more than just pain on the screen. We
should be aware of Black pain but we should not become
desensitized to it. We need to see Black people as more
than just vessels of pain and suffering, but as the complex
people that they are.
Recently on Twitter there has been a hashtag called
#PublishingPaidMe which has highlighted disparities in
author advances and payouts to POC authors, especially
Black authors. The amount of money funneled into an
advance for a debut White author versus the advance of a
Black author with an established fanbase is vastly
different. This is due to publishing houses spitballing
money based on how well they think a book will sell, and
shows us that they have more faith in White writers than
Black writers and other POC writers.
When I say that we should consume more than just Black
torture porn, I’m saying that we should be actively
searching for all forms of art created by Black and POC
artists. We have to actively decentralize ourselves in our
daily media consumption. We have to actually apply the
theory we are reading and practice it.
As an avid reader I cannot count the number of times I’ve
been told to read a book because it’s “a classic”, or that I
just need to “get through the first three chapters”, or that I
should “slog through it bodily pulling yourself to the end
for the enrichment this novel apparently holds”. I can tell
you that most of these books were written by White
authors, and that even when I did slog through some of
them, they weren’t particularly enriching. I say this to ask
the question, why aren’t you reading more books by Black
authors? Why aren’t you looking for TV shows of movies by
Black directors? Did you not think to look? What’s stopping
you now?
As we White people move forward as allies and improve
ourselves, we should also actively search for ways to
include Black people and other POC in our lives. We
should be ready to pay for their books and movies, and be
ready to enjoy them. We should start putting what we are
learning into daily actions. It’s not the time to take a break,
it’s the time to start uplifting Black voices and Black art as
often as possible. So let’s get researching and let’s get
reading, all right?
written by
Leslie
Smith