red dwarf – season seven

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ed dwarf season seven part two small black beetles: the overkill KRYTEN: Sir... you didn't deliberately damage the ship so that Miss Kochanski had to stay behind, did you..? LISTER: No! Look, I'm gonna check out the hold. Rimmer, you coming? Why did I call you 'Rimmer'? I called you 'Rimmer', my god! Cat! Are you gonna make yourself useful or are you gonna preen yourself all day? CAT: You mean I have a choice? LISTER: Come on... Can't believe I called you 'Rimmer'... SLEEPING QUARTERS KRYTEN: As it seems you may be with us for some time, ma'am, I was wondering if I might go through a few 'rules of the ship'? KOCHANSKI: Like what? KRYTEN: Salad cream. Salad cream belongs in the fridge, and not in the cupboard. Two: Pants belong in the pants drawer, and socks belong in the socks drawer. Having discovered a sock in your pants drawer, this simple principle obviously needs re-stating... KOCHANSKI: Talking of my clothes, I'd like you to explain why my bras come back from the laundry shaped like your head. KRYTEN: Three: The toilet seat fiasco -- KOCHANSKI: Kryten! I just don't want to hear this! KRYTEN: Mr Lister hasn't said anything, but I can tell he's not happy... KOCHANSKI: Well he's not the only one! Do you think I like flying around space in this big skip-with-thrusters? Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on this ship? And to cap it all, I am faced with some neurotic droid who's completely obsessed with my pants drawer! KRYTEN: You mean I'm not alone…? Oh, I see. You mean me. Well, just as long as we understand one another! KOCHANSKI: Oh, god. Welcome to hell... CARGO HOLD LISTER: Look at these... Rimmer's old shoe trees. He had one for every pair of his shoes. Gave them all names: Mon-shoetree, Tue-shoetree, Weden-shoetree... CAT: What the hell for? LISTER: So they all spent the same amount of time in his shoes. CAT: What a smeg head... page 6
ed dwarf season seven part two small black beetles: the overkill LISTER: Oh, he had lots of funny little habits. But now that he's gone, I can see them for what they were... CAT: Cretinous. LISTER: No... they were all the little foibles that made Rimmer... special. He was unique. CAT: Yeah... irritating, awkward and unsightly. He was the human equivalent of a visible pantie line! Well, we may as well start somewhere. These can go! LISTER: No, you can't throw them out. They're from when me and Rimmer played gold on Treka XVI. We had a lot of fun. CAT: You had fun with Rimmer? LISTER'S FLASHBACK. PLANETSCAPE. KRYTEN: I'm afraid I only had room to build a nine-hole course, sirs. It is a very small planetoid. Taking into consideration the thiness of atmosphere, sir, I've made this a fifteen mile hole, par 3. Oh, good shot, sir! LISTER: Hey, watch this - watch and weep... Ohh, smeg! KRYTEN: Oh, I - I think it's gone into orbit, sir. RIMMER: Tough luck, Listy - I'll just pot mine and you owe me fifty big ones! LISTER: Look at him, in the right boots he could be marching into Poland. 'Ey, this is Rimmer's ball, isn't it? KRYTEN: It must have gone right around the planetoid, sir. LISTER: Well, no point bothering him about it, Krytie, let's go. BLUE MIDGET COCKPIT. RIMMER: It must be here somewhere! I've been 'round the planetoid twice! LISTER: No ball, no bet, man - keep looking. CARGO HOLD LISTER: Memories like that are just too precious to throw away... KRYTEN: Hello there, sir, how's it going? CAT: We're getting nowhere, bud. He won't throw anything away because it reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and missed them. page 7
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red dwarf – season seven

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