red dwarf – season seven
red dwarf – season seven
red dwarf – season seven
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Blue<br />
<strong>red</strong> <strong>dwarf</strong><br />
<strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part 2<br />
Beyond a Joke<br />
Epideme<br />
Nanarchy
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG<br />
Blue<br />
KRYTEN: Good morning, sir! How about a little breakfast?<br />
What would you say to a dozen grilled winkels on a bed<br />
of curried rice crispies?<br />
LISTER: I'm not eating that spicy stuff any more.<br />
KRYTEN: Forgive me, sir, but the phenomena of you not<br />
eating spicy food is like a zebra not being stripy, or<br />
an old lady not sitting on a park bench with her legs<br />
open. May I ask why?<br />
LISTER: Apart from anything else it makes your breath<br />
smell like a lift full of senile donkeys returning from a<br />
gargling contest.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, that's never bothe<strong>red</strong> you before, sir..?<br />
LISTER: Well it bothers me now, okay?<br />
KRYTEN: It's because of her, isn't it... 'she who must be<br />
drooled over'...<br />
LISTER: You mean Kris?<br />
KRYTEN: Whatever my feelings, sir, I will not be<br />
tempted into making petty criticisms of fellow<br />
crewmembers. There is, of course, the issue of the salad<br />
cream... I spent many months training everyone to put<br />
the salad cream in the fridge. Then she comes on board,<br />
and - lo and behold! - it turns up back in the cupboard!<br />
LISTER: The first moon we come to - let's dump her!<br />
KRYTEN: And what about the extra laundry? Now there<br />
are all kinds of extraordinary items turning up in the<br />
dirty linen basket: tights; bras; skimpy vests; little<br />
socks - tut, it's a massive extra workload! Frank is very<br />
upset. The washing machine. I named him Frank, he<br />
works better with an identity. And what about the<br />
ironing? I mean, how do you iron a bra?<br />
LISTER: Well, you've gotta take it off first... I spent<br />
years practicing that - used to put my nanny's bra<br />
around the armchair until I could unhook it with my<br />
left hand. Even now, whenever I see a Parkernol I get<br />
horny.<br />
KRYTEN: But have you ever tried to iron a bra, sir? The<br />
only way I've found is to stretch each container over my<br />
head, and iron it from there. Believe me, on a hot cotton<br />
setting it sends my optical systems into leak overload.<br />
LISTER: They're not called containers, they're called cups.<br />
page 2
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: See? I even have to learn new terminology,<br />
special female terminology: 'cups', 'pot pourri',<br />
'depillatory creamy - oh! It's never-ending.<br />
LISTER: How come you don't know what bras are?<br />
What about the women on the Nova 5?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, when I cleaned up my cache files, sir, I<br />
erased my lingerie database. I didn't see there'd be<br />
much call for it, unless we had a fancy dress party, and<br />
you wanted to go as Herman Goering.<br />
LISTER: Anyway, you can relax, Kryten. She programmed<br />
the scan probe last week, and it's returned the<br />
coordinates of the dimensional tear. This time<br />
tomorrow she'll be back in her own dimension.<br />
KRYTEN: Well you're surely not upset, sir?<br />
LISTER: Look, if you've got a problem with her, say<br />
something to her.<br />
KRYTEN: I think I will!<br />
LISTER: There's no point whinging to me about it, say it<br />
to her.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Hi guys, how's it going?<br />
KRYTEN: Ah! Morning Miss Kochanski, ma'am! Sleep well?<br />
LISTER: Coward.<br />
KRYTEN: Hypocrite.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Not great, actually. Had this really weird<br />
dream about a monkey being stretched across a<br />
tennis court... the noise was just unbearable... Were<br />
you practising the guitar again last night? So, what's for<br />
breakfast? What's this doing in here?<br />
KOCHANSKI TAKES THE SALAD CREAM AND PUTS IT IN A CUPBOARD<br />
KRYTEN: Hold me back! Hold me back!<br />
SLEEPING QUARTERS<br />
KRYTEN: Don't you see, sir, these deviations from<br />
established Space Corps drill could put our lives in<br />
jeopardy!<br />
LISTER: She was only drying her tights on the radiator!<br />
KRYTEN: That's the thin end of the wedge, sir! One day<br />
it's drying tights, the next we're spiralling out of<br />
control into the core of a newly-formed sun!<br />
KOCHANSKI: Sorry to interrupt, but we've got a couple<br />
of problems: all the hazard-approach lights are flashing.<br />
KRYTEN: All of them?<br />
page 3
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KOCHANSKI: Yes, although on this ship that can mean<br />
anything from "we're under attack", to "the baked<br />
potatoes are burning".<br />
KRYTEN: Either way, it's serious.<br />
STARBUG COCKPIT<br />
CAT: There's something up ahead: a shiny thing, with a<br />
long, silvery, glimmery thing behind it.<br />
KOCHANSKI: It's a phasing comet - velocity 25,000mps.<br />
CAT: That's what I said!<br />
KRYTEN: How am I supposed to concentrate on a<br />
phasing comet when, as soon as my back's turned, the<br />
sald cream gets warm.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Heading straight for its tail - plotting<br />
avoidance course.<br />
LISTER: What's the problem with going through it? It'll get<br />
you home quicker.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Last time anyone did that, the gyroscopic<br />
forces ripped the ship apart, turning the crew into<br />
the consistency of potato salad!<br />
CAT: Is that the firm, delicatessen form of potato salad, or<br />
the squishy, gooey stuff in tins?<br />
LISTER: We'll make it - we're a crew - we've been<br />
through a few things. Remember when we met up<br />
with the Vidal Beast of Sharma II?<br />
CAT: The one that nearly killed us?<br />
LISTER: No, the other one! Look, we can make it, okay?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Do you know what a comet is made of?<br />
LISTER: Are you suggesting that I don't know what a<br />
comet's made of? Well I do.<br />
KOCHANSKI: So what's it made of?<br />
LISTER: What's it made of? You wanna know what it's made<br />
of?<br />
KRYTEN: Ma'am, he knows what it's made of. Sir, tell her,<br />
for goodness sake!<br />
LISTER: Gas. Some kind of gas. Dunno what it's called,<br />
some gassy type of gas.<br />
KOCHANSKI: It's made of ice.<br />
LISTER: Exactly! An icey type of gas, that's what I said:<br />
ice, an ice gas.<br />
CAT: I hate to interrupt, but this thing, whatever the<br />
hell it is, is gonna hit us in about forty-five seconds!<br />
page 4
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: I was only trying to save time, so we could get<br />
to the dimensional tear quicker! So you could get home<br />
to your much better Lister.<br />
KOCHANSKI: And I'm just trying to prevent us being<br />
scatte<strong>red</strong> all over the galaxy like some kind of cosmic<br />
<strong>season</strong>ing!<br />
CAT: Here it comes!<br />
KOCHANSKI: That wasn't forty-five seconds!<br />
CAT: Oh - sorry! I was reading the baked potato timer by<br />
mistake! Will people not leave that in here? It just<br />
makes us look like we don't know what the hell we're<br />
doing! Lateral trimmers not responding! It's like<br />
wrestling in treacle!<br />
LISTER: What's happened to the stabilisers?<br />
CAT: Never mind the stabilisers! Where's the hair<br />
mousse? Thirty snack bars sliding about!<br />
LISTER: I'm taking over control! Yeaaaay, what did I tell<br />
ya? Come to daddy, baby! I have control.<br />
KOCHANSKI: With a bit of luck we can ride it across to<br />
the other side of its tail. Or maybe not! If we don't turn<br />
around and go back we'll disintegrate in two minutes!<br />
KRYTEN: That's a little pessimistic, sir, I'd say more like<br />
three!<br />
LISTER: Well, go on, say it. You know what you want to<br />
say.<br />
KOCHANSKI: You really want me to say it? All right. My<br />
Dave would never have endange<strong>red</strong> our crew like<br />
that.<br />
LISTER: You had to say it, didn't you. Will you stop calling<br />
your boyfriend 'Dave', he's just an alternative version of<br />
me from a parallel dimension. He's not 'Dave', he's the<br />
anti-Lister.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Well, whoever the hell he is, I'm not gonna<br />
get to see him. By the time we fix this mess I'll<br />
have missed the Linkway!<br />
LISTER: Could have got through that if the thrusters had<br />
worked...<br />
CAT: According to the SysComm, the thrusters never<br />
worked 'cos we were carrying too much weight.<br />
KRYTEN: It's Miss Kochanski's laundry; why will no one<br />
listen to me? Those little whirly things are heavier than<br />
they look!<br />
CAT: Suppose we take a look in the cargo hold and see<br />
what supplies can be jettisoned?<br />
LISTER: I'll go. I could do with a breath of musty, fetid<br />
air...<br />
page 5
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: Sir... you didn't deliberately damage the ship so<br />
that Miss Kochanski had to stay behind, did you..?<br />
LISTER: No! Look, I'm gonna check out the hold. Rimmer,<br />
you coming? Why did I call you 'Rimmer'? I called you<br />
'Rimmer', my god! Cat! Are you gonna make yourself<br />
useful or are you gonna preen yourself all day?<br />
CAT: You mean I have a choice?<br />
LISTER: Come on... Can't believe I called you 'Rimmer'...<br />
SLEEPING QUARTERS<br />
KRYTEN: As it seems you may be with us for some<br />
time, ma'am, I was wondering if I might go through<br />
a few 'rules of the ship'?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Like what?<br />
KRYTEN: Salad cream. Salad cream belongs in the fridge,<br />
and not in the cupboard. Two: Pants belong in the pants<br />
drawer, and socks belong in the socks drawer. Having<br />
discove<strong>red</strong> a sock in your pants drawer, this simple<br />
principle obviously needs re-stating...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Talking of my clothes, I'd like you to<br />
explain why my bras come back from the laundry<br />
shaped like your head.<br />
KRYTEN: Three: The toilet seat fiasco --<br />
KOCHANSKI: Kryten! I just don't want to hear this!<br />
KRYTEN: Mr Lister hasn't said anything, but I can tell he's<br />
not happy...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Well he's not the only one! Do you think I<br />
like flying around space in this big skip-with-thrusters?<br />
Do you think I even enjoy breathing in on this ship?<br />
And to cap it all, I am faced with some neurotic droid<br />
who's completely obsessed with my pants drawer!<br />
KRYTEN: You mean I'm not alone…? Oh, I see. You mean<br />
me. Well, just as long as we understand one another!<br />
KOCHANSKI: Oh, god. Welcome to hell...<br />
CARGO HOLD<br />
LISTER: Look at these... Rimmer's old shoe trees. He had<br />
one for every pair of his shoes. Gave them all names:<br />
Mon-shoetree, Tue-shoetree, Weden-shoetree...<br />
CAT: What the hell for?<br />
LISTER: So they all spent the same amount of time in<br />
his shoes.<br />
CAT: What a smeg head...<br />
page 6
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: Oh, he had lots of funny little habits. But now<br />
that he's gone, I can see them for what they<br />
were...<br />
CAT: Cretinous.<br />
LISTER: No... they were all the little foibles that made<br />
Rimmer... special. He was unique.<br />
CAT: Yeah... irritating, awkward and unsightly. He was<br />
the human equivalent of a visible pantie line! Well, we<br />
may as well start somewhere. These can go!<br />
LISTER: No, you can't throw them out. They're from<br />
when me and Rimmer played gold on Treka XVI. We<br />
had a lot of fun.<br />
CAT: You had fun with Rimmer?<br />
LISTER'S FLASHBACK. PLANETSCAPE.<br />
KRYTEN: I'm afraid I only had room to build a nine-hole<br />
course, sirs. It is a very small planetoid. Taking into<br />
consideration the thiness of atmosphere, sir, I've<br />
made this a fifteen mile hole, par 3. Oh, good shot, sir!<br />
LISTER: Hey, watch this - watch and weep... Ohh, smeg!<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, I - I think it's gone into orbit, sir.<br />
RIMMER: Tough luck, Listy - I'll just pot mine and you owe<br />
me fifty big ones!<br />
LISTER: Look at him, in the right boots he could be<br />
marching into Poland. 'Ey, this is Rimmer's ball, isn't it?<br />
KRYTEN: It must have gone right around the planetoid,<br />
sir.<br />
LISTER: Well, no point bothering him about it, Krytie,<br />
let's go.<br />
BLUE MIDGET COCKPIT.<br />
RIMMER: It must be here somewhere! I've been 'round<br />
the planetoid twice!<br />
LISTER: No ball, no bet, man - keep looking.<br />
CARGO HOLD<br />
LISTER: Memories like that are just too precious to<br />
throw away...<br />
KRYTEN: Hello there, sir, how's it going?<br />
CAT: We're getting nowhere, bud. He won't throw<br />
anything away because it reminds him of the good<br />
times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and<br />
missed them.<br />
page 7
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: You don't know what we used to do back on Red<br />
Dwarf in the early days. Like when we played the<br />
Locker Room game, we used to open up the lockers of<br />
all the dead crew members, and we got to keep<br />
whatever we found.<br />
LISTER'S FLASHBACK. RED DWARF LOCKER-ROOM.<br />
RIMMER: I don't trust you, Lister... this game's rigged.<br />
Every time we play it, you win. Last time, you got a 30<br />
carat gold wristwatch, and all I got was one Wellington<br />
boot and a box of one hund<strong>red</strong> assorted tampons that<br />
glow in the dark. Right, I'll go first this time… No, you<br />
can go first...<br />
LISTER: Okay, I'll have sixty-eight.<br />
RIMMER: I'll have sixty-eight. Er… you can have it. I know<br />
that you chose that one because you think that I think<br />
that you're cheating; so I'll have it, and it'll be useless.<br />
I'm not gonna fall for that one, Listy. You can have it.<br />
LISTER: Too smart for me, man... hey, a gold necklace; a<br />
bundle of cash; and a nude wrestling video! "Baked<br />
bean bombshells Volume 12".<br />
RIMMER: Right! Well, I'll have that one. Number fifty-eight.<br />
RIMMER IS BLASTED BY A FLAME THAT BURSTS OUT OF THE OPENED DOOR.<br />
RIMMER: What the hell was that?<br />
LISTER: There's a note... "People who break into<br />
lockers deserve everything they get, you cheap doublecrossing<br />
slimeball". Sounds like they know you.<br />
STARBUG COCKPIT<br />
LISTER: About time, Cat, you're late. Now, where've<br />
you been? Rimmer..? What're you doing here?<br />
RIMMER: I got fed up with adventuring... you know what<br />
it's like: you save a couple of civilisations and it all gets<br />
a bit... samey. I thought I'd come and find the old team.<br />
LISTER: It's good to see you. Are you real?<br />
RIMMER: I'm as real as you can get, being a hologram.<br />
LISTER: So... where've you been?<br />
RIMMER: I fought in the Bellagosian War; I was decorated,<br />
and used as a Christmas tree in the town square where<br />
people came and fed me cherry liqueur chocolates for<br />
the whole winter. Nah, I'm only kidding. I just thought it<br />
was time I livened up a bit! So, how about you? How's<br />
it going?<br />
LISTER: Same old Starbug. Same old travelling through<br />
space.<br />
page 8
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
RIMMER: I hear you've got a new crewmember? What's<br />
she like? Is she... as good as me?<br />
LISTER: Well, she's been here a few weeks and she hasn't<br />
quoted one Space Corps directive...<br />
RIMMER: She's pretty attractive though, isn't she?<br />
LISTER: Is she? I hadn't really noticed. She's the type you<br />
don't really notice. When you eat soup and spill some<br />
on your shirt and you don't notice it? She's like that.<br />
RIMMER: So, she's not as attractive as me, then?<br />
LISTER: Don't be daft... she couldn't hold a candle to<br />
you, man.<br />
RIMMER: Nah, you're just saying that.<br />
LISTER: I'm not. I missed you, man. Don't ever leave us<br />
again!<br />
RIMMER: I won't!<br />
LISTER: You promise? Oh, Rimsy... Aaargh! Get off! Oh,<br />
just a dream... thank god for that! It was just a dream...<br />
STARBUG COCKPIT<br />
KRYTEN: And another thing she does is, she keeps her<br />
pants in her sock drawer; have you any idea how time<br />
consuming that can be to sort out?<br />
CAT: You mean, you've seen her pants?<br />
STARBUG MEDI-BAY<br />
LISTER: You're right Kryten, I must be losing it, or I'd<br />
never be dreaming stuff like that. Kissing Rimmer? I'd<br />
rather go bobbing for apples in the communal latrine<br />
at Reading festival! … What are you doing in here?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Just looking for something to erase the<br />
memory of everything I've ever experienced... Couple of<br />
gallons of medicinal alcohol should do it.<br />
LISTER: Listen, for what it's worth - I'm sorry you<br />
missed getting back to your Dave. 'The hologrammatic<br />
hunk'.<br />
KOCHANSKI: That's okay; I'm sure there'll be another<br />
chance for you to cock it up again.<br />
LISTER: Suppose you must be missing him? I know<br />
what it's like to miss someone. The way they talk, the<br />
way they laugh. The way their nostils flare up like two<br />
railway tunnels leading into Snot Street station.<br />
KOCHANSKI: You've lost me there... So you're missing<br />
Rimmer?<br />
page 9
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: Had a dream about him, but he was different. All<br />
smiles and jokes and... stuff.<br />
KOCHANSKI: I thought you guys didn't get on?<br />
LISTER: We didn't, that's what's so weird! His tidiness<br />
drove me crazy, the way he used to eat his food in<br />
alphabetical order; the way he only ever used three<br />
pieces of toilet paper: one up, one down, and one to<br />
polish.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Did he have any <strong>red</strong>eeming features?<br />
LISTER: No. Oh yeah, sometimes he went out of the room.<br />
KOCHANSKI: So, how come Rimmer came to be around,<br />
anyway?<br />
LISTER: Well, Holly brought him back to keep me sane,<br />
but he drove me mad!<br />
KOCHANSKI: So, now he's gone, maybe you feel guilty<br />
because you realise he was trying to help you?<br />
LISTER: If he was trying to help me, why didn't he... lighten<br />
up a bit? Be happy?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Maybe he sacrificed his happiness to keep you<br />
sane? But when he appea<strong>red</strong> in your dream he was<br />
different, a carefree, fun-loving Rimmer. A Rimmer<br />
who didn't nag you into helping him catalogue his<br />
cheese collection.<br />
LISTER: You're saying I had him all wrong?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Wasn't your fault... you had to hate him, it<br />
was what kept you going.<br />
LISTER: I didn't know... You know what I should do? I<br />
should throw everything away, and make a new start.<br />
KRYTEN: Sorry ma'am, this is the medical bay, for sick<br />
people only; surely you haven't broken out in a<br />
confusingly-filed pants rash?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Kryten, do you know how to extract a warm<br />
bottle of salad cream from a mechanoid's rectal cavity?<br />
KRYTEN: Not off hand, ma'am, but I could research it?<br />
KOCHANSKI: I'd start right now if I were you...<br />
LISTER: It's all right, Kryten. I've talked things through<br />
with Kochanski, I'm feeling a lot better.<br />
KRYTEN: Well that really takes the biscuit, doesn't it.<br />
Turn my back for five minutes and she waltzes in here<br />
and cures you!<br />
LISTER: She was only trying to help...<br />
KRYTEN: It's not the help I mind, sir, it's the fact that she<br />
succeeded!<br />
page 10
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG MID-SECTION<br />
LISTER: Okay guys! I now declare games night officially<br />
open. Seeing as Kris is with us, you can have the<br />
honour of choosing the first game - and as you're a bit<br />
sensitive, we're not gonna have any games that involve<br />
dropping trousers and lighting stuff.<br />
CAT: Well that takes care of most of the repertoire!<br />
KOCHANSKI: I choose 'The Magic Flute'! It's an opera...<br />
Okay, we each hum a section of an aria, and the<br />
others have to guess which character is singing.<br />
CAT: That's a game?<br />
LISTER: It's more like medieval torture...<br />
KOCHANSKI: No, it's really good, 'cos, you can, like, throw<br />
each other off the scent! Once, Dave - my Dave - he<br />
sang The Birdcatcher's Song in the German translation,<br />
and it was hilarious! We all, like, totally fell about!<br />
LISTER: You fell about? What, were you going through a<br />
meteor storm?<br />
KOCHANSKI: So what games do you play, then? 'Match the<br />
Bodypart to the Crewmember'?<br />
CAT: I always love that one!<br />
KOCHANSKI: 'Armpit Name That Tune'? 'Guess Whose<br />
Bottie is Sticking Through a Hole in the Curtain'?<br />
CAT: Shall I add that one to the slate, bud?<br />
KRYTEN: Games night is cancelled; if you'll all kindly<br />
follow me to the AR suite, I have something - I think -<br />
might amuse... I believe this is the answer to your<br />
dream, sir, and something slightly more effective than<br />
Miss Kochanski's psychobabble... It's a museum to Mr<br />
Rimmer's memory; I made it myself. If anyone finds they<br />
are missing him, they can relive those great moments -<br />
it's all in there: the man, the memories, the personality.<br />
CAT: The ego...<br />
KRYTEN: Yes - I had to scale that down quite a bit.<br />
LISTER: How did you compile all the exhibits?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, I re-created key events in his life from Mr<br />
Rimmer's diaries; he kept meticulous records of life<br />
on board ship. Enjoy!<br />
RIMMER EXPERIENCE<br />
RIMMER: Welcome to the Rimmer Experience. A place of<br />
wonder, excitement, and... wonder. You are about to<br />
witness some heroic events, which you may well find<br />
impossible to attribute to any living person; but<br />
then, Arnold J. Rimmer was a deeply remarkable<br />
man... Being the driving force behind the Red Dwarf<br />
page 11
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
mission, the fearless Rimmer had to dice with death<br />
on a daily basis. Sometimes it needed a strong mind<br />
and cool nerves to hold the crew together:<br />
KRYTEN: Asteroid belt up ahead, sir.<br />
RIMMER: No it isn't Kryten, you thick, titanium plank;<br />
those are large, broken fragments of a dying star which<br />
have compressed together under enormous pressure,<br />
causing them to compress into large fragments.<br />
KRYTEN: You're quite right, sir, as usual. How could I<br />
have made such an elementary mistake? As usual.<br />
THE CREW COMMENTS<br />
CAT: It's at times like these that I get really sca<strong>red</strong>!<br />
LISTER: That never happened! I swear that never<br />
happened! I feel sick!<br />
KRYTEN: I'm sorry, sir, it is a bit bumpy.<br />
LISTER: It's what I'm seeing that's making me sick!<br />
RIMMER EXPERIENCE<br />
RIMMER: So you see, Cat? If you wear the green paisley<br />
shirt with the cavalry-twill trousers, you can be<br />
dignified and fashionable at the same time.<br />
THE CREW COMMENTS<br />
CAT: Let me at him! I'm gonna kill him! Cavalry-twill?<br />
What does he think I am? A woodwork teacher?<br />
KRYTEN: Wait a minute; here comes the best bit...<br />
RIMMER EXPERIENCE<br />
RIMMER: If you're in trouble he will save the day, He's<br />
brave and he's fearless come what may, Without him<br />
the mission would go astray... He's Arnold, Arnold,<br />
Arnold Rimmer, Without him life would be much<br />
grimmer, He's handsome, trim, and no-one's<br />
slimmer, He will never need a Zimmer. He's Arnold,<br />
Arnold, Arnold Rimmer, More reliable than a garden<br />
strimmer, He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner,<br />
He's not bald and his head doesn't glimmer. Master of<br />
the wit and the repartee, His command of Space<br />
Directives is uncanny, How come he's such a genius?<br />
Don't ask me... Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,<br />
He's also a fantastic swimmer, And if you play your<br />
cards right, then he just might come 'round for<br />
dinner.<br />
THE CREW COMMENTS<br />
LISTER: I never wanna see or hear from that scumsucking,<br />
lying, weasel-minded smegger in my entire<br />
life!<br />
KRYTEN: Sigmund Freud: eat your heart out!<br />
page 12
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG.<br />
Beyond a Joke<br />
LISTER: Mm! Smells good, Kryten. What is it?<br />
KRYTEN: Something I caught scuttling around the cargo<br />
bay, sir... managed to land a monkey wrench on it,<br />
and the rest is history!<br />
LISTER: Kryten, nothing I'm prepa<strong>red</strong> to eat has ever<br />
scuttled. This mouth is a scuttle-free zone. It does smell<br />
good though, what is it?<br />
KRYTEN: The only clue I'm prepa<strong>red</strong> to give, sir, is: we're<br />
having it with green wine...<br />
LISTER: Look, the rule is simple: I will not eat any animal<br />
that has ever been a cartoon. Weevils, rabbits, dogs,<br />
cats, mice, road-runners; all out. I'm not a cartoonivore!<br />
Lobster!<br />
KRYTEN: Poached in a delicate cream sauce, sir.<br />
LISTER: Where did you get a live lobster?<br />
KRYTEN: The S.S. Centauri, they had four in their stasis<br />
block.<br />
LISTER: You've really gone to a lot of trouble over this,<br />
haven't you...<br />
KRYTEN: You don't know what day it is, do you, sir?<br />
LISTER: Today? Someone's birthday? Christmas? Easter?<br />
National Have Something That Scuttles For Dinner Day?<br />
Well, what then?<br />
KRYTEN: Today is the day that you rescued me from the<br />
Nova 5 - I thought we should have a surprise<br />
celebration!<br />
LISTER: I had no idea! Why didn't you say? … If you'd<br />
said, it wouldn't have been much of a surprise,<br />
right?<br />
KRYTEN: Precisely, sir, it would have been about as<br />
unsurprising as an episode of Tales Of The Unexpected.<br />
The old Channel 72 show. It was... Everyone... Never<br />
mind.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Okay everyone? Ready? Let's go!<br />
CAT: We're going to the Artificial Reality suite! We just<br />
loaded in that new software we picked up from the<br />
S.S. Centauri.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Can you believe the luck? Finding a<br />
working copy of Jane Austin world? It's the luckiest find<br />
I've made since I discove<strong>red</strong> that tube of leg-wax<br />
under the medi-scanner.<br />
page 13
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
CAT: You found my leg-wax?<br />
KOCHANSKI: We're going to visit 'Pride And Prejudice' land.<br />
This is gonna be so great!<br />
CAT: It's Chick City, bud! Five sisters and they're all hotter<br />
than a Mustang's exhaust!<br />
KRYTEN: But, what about the supper?<br />
LISTER: The thing is... we didn't know.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Just put it in the oven, and we'll have it in a<br />
couple of hours. Look, I'm just trying to get the Bozo<br />
Brothers here interested in something slightly more<br />
culturally sophisticated than 'Name That Smell', or<br />
the even more popular 'How Many Marbles Can You<br />
Fit Up Your Nostril' game... We'll have it when we get<br />
back.<br />
KRYTEN: And you're going to go with them, sir? It's<br />
unbelievable.<br />
KOCHANSKI: I know! Davey and Jane Austin are not an<br />
obvious pairing - but think about it: she's closely<br />
identifiable to Bath in the 19th century, and that was the<br />
last time Dave had one!<br />
LISTER: I just thought I'd check it out... Y'know, I never<br />
had much of an education, what with being an<br />
orphan, and going to art college. Thought I might<br />
learn something here.<br />
KRYTEN: Of course. How silly of me. After all, you've<br />
always been a big fan of penetrating 19th century<br />
observations of middle-class manners. I mean, just<br />
because you own a T-shirt advertising the rock band<br />
'Colostomy Explosion' doesn't mean you're not a master<br />
of erudition!<br />
LISTER: Oh, just stick it in the oven, come and join us and<br />
we'll have it when we get back!<br />
KRYTEN: Two days I've spent preparing this!<br />
LISTER: Kryten, I've gotta go, man, they're waiting for me.<br />
I'm sorry.<br />
KRYTEN: I don't know why I bother. Gallivanting off like<br />
that! And on our anniversary, too!<br />
A FOREST WITHIN THE SIMULATION<br />
KOCHANSKI: 'Pride and Prejudice' world! When I was<br />
fourteen in Cyberschool I used to spend all my time<br />
here.<br />
CAT: These strides are too tackle-tight, Officer B-B. I can<br />
barely cruise!<br />
page 14
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KOCHANSKI: Look, just try and appreciate the nuances and<br />
culture.<br />
CAT: I'm trying, but it's real hard when there's a seam<br />
splicing your nadgers in two!<br />
KOCHANSKI: You're gonna spoil it for us, aren't you...<br />
LISTER: No he won't, he'll be fine. Look man, all clothes<br />
were a bit nadger-restricting back in those days. That's<br />
why there were so many wars.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Okay? Let's interact with the characters, then<br />
perhaps you can begin to understand why the book is<br />
such a masterpiece… Good morning, Mrs Bennett. Is<br />
it not a most fine day?<br />
MRS BENNETT: 'Tis an utter delight and no mistake. Oh, we<br />
don't believe we've had the pleasure of meeting<br />
your handsome young friends..?<br />
KOCHANSKI: This is Mr Lister, and his friend Mr Cat.<br />
MRS BENNETT: Perhaps you would like to join us on a turn<br />
around the forest, and later have tea in Mr Pindley's<br />
gazebo?<br />
1ST SISTER: Oh please, ma-ma, can they come?<br />
2ND SISTER: May they, oh, that would be so delightful!<br />
1ST SISTER: Oh yes, oh, please! Oh do! Do come to tea, oh<br />
please, please!<br />
CAT: They're so hot they're steaming!<br />
STARBUG<br />
KRYTEN: "Cook it", "don't cook it", "do this", "do that"!<br />
Well, I'm sorry, I'm gonna make you eat this damn<br />
supper if it's the last thing I do! (enters AR<br />
simulation)<br />
WOODLAND. KRYTEN PICKS OFF A SISTER WITH BLOWPIPE. CATCHES NEXT<br />
SISTER IN A ROPE TRAP AND SILENCES HER WITH THE BLOWPIPE. TRIES TO<br />
BUMP OFF NEXT SISTER WITH A LOG SWING TRAP, BUT MISSES.<br />
MRS BENNETT: Where on earth have Dame Lizzie and Jane<br />
disappea<strong>red</strong> to? Such rudeness! I'm most vexed!<br />
KOCHANSKI: Never mind, Mrs Bennett, I'm sure they'll<br />
be…<br />
T-72 ROLLS OUT OF THE LAKE, KRYTEN OPENS HATCH AND STANDS UP.<br />
KRYTEN: Perhaps I didn't make myself clear? I said:<br />
'supper is ready'! Is anyone still unclear as to the<br />
supper situation? No? Excellent.<br />
page 15
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG.<br />
LISTER: It's nice, Kryts, really nice. In fact, it's better than<br />
nice, it's fantastic.<br />
CAT: Are we eating the same stuff?<br />
KRYTEN: I don't know why I make the effort. No one<br />
appreciates the hours I put into food prep! My fingers<br />
are practically worn down to the endo-skeleton.<br />
LISTER: Is there any ketchup?<br />
KRYTEN: Any what?<br />
LISTER: Ketchup. I just thought it could do with a bit of<br />
ketchup... Just a dollop..?<br />
KRYTEN: Ketchup? You want ketchup??<br />
LISTER: Errm... brown! Not tomato! Brown! It's not like<br />
I've got no class...<br />
KRYTEN: With lobster? You want brown ketchup?<br />
LISTER: It's really nice Kryts, but you know me, I just<br />
thought it could do with a bit of a pep-up...<br />
KRYTEN: I can't believe it. I simply cannot b… (his head<br />
explodes)<br />
CAT: Oh well done, bud! Now we'll have to do the<br />
washing up!<br />
KOCHANSKI: He's literally blown his top! Cat, can you go<br />
and get a spare head?<br />
CAT: How come I have to do everything around here? I<br />
never get a second to myself! "Cat do this", "Cat do<br />
that"; what am I? A dog?<br />
STARBUG MEDI-BAY<br />
LISTER: There. I think that's it; boot him up.<br />
KOCHANSKI: You're sure you know what you're doing?<br />
LISTER: Hey...<br />
KRYTEN: Ketchup? With lobster, you want… (second head<br />
explodes)<br />
KOCHANSKI: I thought you said you knew what you were<br />
doing!<br />
LISTER: No, I just said 'hey'. If you'd let me finish the<br />
whole sentence it'd have been: 'hey... no, I don't'.<br />
CAT: Any luck?<br />
KOCHANSKI: We've been back and forth through his<br />
core program and, as far as we can tell, nothing's<br />
wrong.<br />
CAT: Maybe worth testing it with one of his spare heads?<br />
page 16
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KOCHANSKI: We've blown them all out!<br />
LISTER: Look at it - have you ever seen so many blackheads<br />
outside the staffroom of a fried chicken franchise?<br />
KOCHANSKI: We've managed to save his RAM chips, so at<br />
least we've got his personality on disk, but that's about<br />
it...<br />
CAT: Life without a head... that's gonna put a real crimp<br />
on his lifestyle. I mean, what can you do without a<br />
head?<br />
LISTER: Apart from being you? Hardly anything.<br />
KOCHANSKI: We're going to have to get him another one,<br />
somehow.<br />
LISTER: I should've been looking out for him. How<br />
could I let this happen?<br />
KOCHANSKI: When was the Centauri built? Maybe they had<br />
a mechanoid service unit?<br />
LISTER: Think. Any clues when it was built?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Which century?<br />
CAT: It had those big crystalline turbine drives... I'd say<br />
21st, or 22nd century. Maybe even 23rd or 24th. At the<br />
outside, 25th, 26th or 27th. But don't hold me to it.<br />
KOCHANSKI: And we're asking his advice? Let's ask<br />
someone who's at least going to give us a slightly<br />
more intelligent opinion: Hello, wall! What do you think?<br />
THE CENTAURI<br />
LISTER: Well this Johnny won't help us. Simulants hate<br />
anything human or humanoid. In fact, anything<br />
beginning with a 'hu'...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Probably hate the third largest city in Vietnam,<br />
then...<br />
LISTER: How's that?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Because it's called 'Hu', dummy. Well,<br />
actually it's pronounced 'Hwah', but if I'd said 'hwah'<br />
it wouldn't have been as funny. Any navigation<br />
conference anywhere, they would be in the aisles with a<br />
quip like that.<br />
LISTER: Probably trying to get out the building before you<br />
quipped again...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Well, the point I was trying to make is<br />
that sims hate humans, but they don't hate GELFs...<br />
CAT: But we're not GELFs...<br />
KOCHANSKI: We could be.<br />
page 17
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG MID-SECTION<br />
LISTER: This is nuts!<br />
KOCHANSKI: We look great! What are you talking about?<br />
LISTER: This is never gonna work. You can't speak GELF...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Neither can the sim! We'll just do an<br />
impression of you first thing in the morning and<br />
we'll be fine! Come on, boy...<br />
LISTER: This is so demeaning - I feel like a piece of meat!<br />
It's worse than a chronic catarrh sufferers' annual<br />
outing!<br />
ROOM WITHIN THE CENTAURI<br />
SIMULANT: After spare mech heads, 'ey? 'Uman! Lovely<br />
with a bit of mint sauce! 'Ow about a trade?<br />
CAT: We ain't selling, okay? Fuel, supplies, anything, but not<br />
the human. I was just telling him - no deal. Like she<br />
says: no deal. You tell him, Bud-Babe! No deal! You got<br />
that?<br />
SIMULANT: So... you speak Earth, 'ey? Tails... you can 'ave<br />
the mech 'eads for free... 'eads... I take the 'uman. It's<br />
tails, the 'eads are yours. And, here are the primers.<br />
Now, 'ow about a toast, 'ey? To Simulants: the greatest<br />
droids in the Universe - but never trust 'em, 'ey?<br />
Cheers!<br />
STARBUG MID-SECTION<br />
LISTER: Aw, we've been set up!<br />
KOCHANSKI: He must have had a sidekick - he kept us<br />
talking while his mate ransacked the ship!<br />
LISTER: Kryten! They've taken his RAM chip, too...<br />
WORKSHOP ABOARD THE CENTAURI<br />
SIMULANT: here's a little job for you, Able. Looks like a<br />
negadrive blow back. Fix 'im, ready for market, or I'll<br />
apply the electro-leash to your nipples.<br />
ABLE: Fix him, or get fried nipple nuts? I think I'm gonna<br />
choose the 'fix himy option! Deal! Is now a good<br />
time to ask about a pay rise? Uh, I'm almost out of<br />
ultrazone, I need some more.<br />
WORKSHOP ABOARD THE CENTAURI<br />
KRYTEN: Goodness me! What a peculiar experience.<br />
Thank you, Mr... What is your name?<br />
ABLE: Just give me a second, okay? I've just sent that query<br />
down to long term memory retrieval. It'll be back in no<br />
time. Hang on, here it comes. Told you it would be<br />
quick. Able. My name's Able.<br />
page 18
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: My name is Kryten. You're a 4000-series, too,<br />
aren't you?<br />
ABLE: Er, hang on. Won't take a tick.<br />
KRYTEN: Please, don't bother. Believe me, you are a 4000.<br />
ABLE: Well, I could check - it'll only take about twenty<br />
seconds.<br />
KRYTEN: Your serial number's '2X4C' - I'm a 2X4c too! We<br />
must have the same motherboard.<br />
ABLE: Then you're my bro'! Hey, wow, you wanna try<br />
some Ultrazone?<br />
KRYTEN: Ultrazone's dangerous and highly addictive!<br />
ABLE: Why, I only use it every now and then, y'know? It<br />
helps me get through the day.<br />
KRYTEN: Well how come you ended up here?<br />
ABLE: Hang on.<br />
KRYTEN: What an irritating characteristic...<br />
ABLE: Okay: the ship I was on, well, it kind of crashed a<br />
bit. All the crew just lay there and they didn't talk to me<br />
anymore. Then, after a couple of years I figu<strong>red</strong> out<br />
they must be dead. Then a long time later, the Simulant<br />
guy came and picked me up. He's a bit of a<br />
psychopathic killing machine, but, he has his good<br />
side. And, he has a huge stash of ultrazone! You sure<br />
you won't try some, Kryten? Bro'?<br />
KRYTEN: I'm not your bro', and I do not touch ultrazone! It<br />
corrupts your circuit boards!<br />
ABLE: Well, that's what people say, but... where's the<br />
evidence? Have I just said that?<br />
STARBUG COCKPIT<br />
LISTER: Approaching the Centauri - 80 clicks and closing.<br />
Nice and easy, man...<br />
CAT: Hang on - their retros have started up. They've<br />
spotted us!<br />
KOCHANSKI: Look at the acceleration of that thing! They're<br />
already halfway across the sector!<br />
LISTER: The Centauri can travel at speeds that we can<br />
only dream of... We're never gonna catch them now.<br />
We've lost Kryten.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Okay, turn the thrusters to maximum speed<br />
on a bearing Q23 stroke J80.<br />
LISTER: This is the opposite direction to the Centauri -<br />
full speed!<br />
KOCHANSKI: Precisely.<br />
page 19
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
CAT: Well, why do we wanna do that?<br />
KOCHANSKI: The only reason I can think of is if we've<br />
planted something on the Centauri and we knew it was<br />
gonna blow any second.<br />
CAT: But we haven't.<br />
KOCHANSKI: No, we haven't. But explain this: if we haven't,<br />
why are we in such a rush to get the hell out of<br />
here?<br />
CAT: It doesn't make sense.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Exactly.<br />
LISTER: Unless we really have planted a bomb on the<br />
Centauri.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Which we haven't.<br />
CAT: So wait a minute. Even if we didn't plant a bomb, the<br />
only thing that really explains what we're doing is if we<br />
did! Which we didn't! But we must have! Because,<br />
otherwise, what we're doing is totally nuts!<br />
LISTER: They've turned around and started tracking us!<br />
CAT: What a fluke!<br />
STARBUG CARGO BAY<br />
SIMULANT: We know about the bomb.<br />
CAT: So we did plant a bomb! I was beginning to wonder.<br />
SIMULANT: Where did you hide it!? Speak! Or you'll spend<br />
the rest of the day picking bits of char<strong>red</strong> mech out of<br />
your clothing.<br />
CAT: Can I change into dungarees?<br />
LISTER: Hand over Kryten and we'll tell ya.<br />
SIMULANT: Clearly, I need to prove myself... Kryten, that<br />
file in your CPU; the one you've never been able to<br />
access... The password is '4X2C'...<br />
ABLE: Hang on a minute... The truth is in there - that's<br />
what turned me into a 'zoney.<br />
ABLE REMOVES HIS HEAD AND THROWS IT AT THE SIMULANT, KNOCKING<br />
HIM BACK.<br />
LISTER: Right, let's send them back to their ship and get the<br />
hell out of here before they get their smeg together!<br />
page 20
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG<br />
LISTER: Kryten, man, what's wrong? Tell me what you<br />
found out about your creator.<br />
KRYTEN: I can't, sir, it's too terrible.<br />
LISTER: Kryten, me and you are amigos; you've gotta tell<br />
me.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, you keep secrets from me, sir.<br />
LISTER: Like what?<br />
KRYTEN: What about your nickname when you were at<br />
school? I know what it was.<br />
LISTER: I don't think so; no one knows that.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, I'm afraid that's just not true, "Fatboy". You<br />
talk in your sleep.<br />
LISTER: It was for a couple of years! Eleven to thirteen<br />
when I was living with my gran. She was massive, her<br />
stockings used to rub together when she walked;<br />
when she was in a hurry it sounded like a steam train<br />
pulling out of a station! I started getting fat too. It<br />
really hit home when she died. She got knocked<br />
down by this truck, and the chalk outline guys had to go<br />
back to the truck for a second piece of chalk! I thought: I<br />
don't want to end up like that, double-chalker! If you<br />
ever tell Kris or the Cat this, you're in pieces. Now tell<br />
me about you creator. Tell me about Professor<br />
Mammett!<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, it's so humiliating! Well, she was due to<br />
marry John Warburton, a fellow bio-engineer. He jilted<br />
her the day before their wedding, so she decided to<br />
create a droid in his image - a pompous, ridiculouslooking,<br />
mother-hen clucking, irascible buffoon. That<br />
droid, sir, is me! We're all John Warburton, sir, the<br />
entire 4000-series. It was Mammett's revenge.<br />
LISTER: Well, judging from the length of your groinal<br />
attachment, you can see why she was so sad to lose<br />
him...<br />
KRYTEN: As part of the joke, all my negative emotions -<br />
jealousy, anger <strong>–</strong> are sto<strong>red</strong> on a special file; my<br />
'negadrive'. Now, when this file gets full it blows! Just<br />
like he used to.<br />
LISTER: All your resentment's in this thing? It's so small.<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, don't be fooled by that, sir. This box<br />
contains the greatest concentration of anger, jealousy<br />
and resentment outside a BAFTA awards ceremony!<br />
page 21
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: Able felt betrayed, lost all his self-esteem; it's<br />
what turned him to ultrazone. He told me - he's<br />
promised to quit.<br />
KRYTEN: How could Mammett have done this?<br />
LISTER: Kryten, you may have started out as a joke, but<br />
you've grown, you've changed. Look how different<br />
you are to Able. If Mammett came in here now, I bet<br />
she wouldn't even recognise you.<br />
KRYTEN: I've evolved?<br />
LISTER: You bet.<br />
KRYTEN: I've become something that's... beyond a joke?<br />
LISTER: Too right, man.<br />
KOCHANSKI: There's something coming in from the<br />
starboard bow! The Simys back; he's got a lock on!<br />
Right, I'm taking us into that asteroid belt. Is that a<br />
problem?<br />
CAT: It sure is! Everything tips from side to side, and my<br />
hair gets all messed up!<br />
KOCHANSKI: So what do we do? Stay here and get<br />
splatte<strong>red</strong>?<br />
CAT: Rather that than me looking like Tina Turner!<br />
LISTER: I'm taking us in.<br />
KRYTEN: Once we're in the belt, we'll have to maintain<br />
ship and engine silence 'till he's convinced we're not<br />
there.<br />
SIMULANT: I know you're in that belt somewhere... One<br />
little mistake and you're mine. The mistake is made...<br />
LISTER: What happened, man!?<br />
CAT: Clear out of here!<br />
KRYTEN: Leave him to me!<br />
ABLE: Oh, I think I may have pressed the wrong<br />
button...<br />
KRYTEN: You have jeopardised the lives of the entire<br />
crew, breaking the most basic, fundamental command<br />
codes!<br />
LISTER: This dude's real mad, we don't stand a chance!<br />
KOCHANSKI: I can't throw him off; nothing's working, I'm<br />
using every trick I know to distract him!<br />
CAT: Pity we can't all moon out of the starboard<br />
portholes! That always works for me!<br />
LISTER: Wait! Someone's left the ship - an escape pod! It's<br />
Able! It's heading towards the Simys ship.<br />
KRYTEN: Why, that slimy, double-crossing, two-faced<br />
piece of scum! He's no brother of mine!<br />
LISTER: He's fi<strong>red</strong> something at them...<br />
page 22
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
CAT: Some sort of energy field... looks heavy.<br />
KRYTEN: The negadrive! He's used my negadrive energy and<br />
re-routed it through the escape pod's thrusters. The<br />
Simulant ship is engulfed in all my negativity.<br />
SIMULANT: It's all 'opeless! Nobody loves me; I'm so ugly! I<br />
never get invited to parties! I 'ate this ship! I 'ate<br />
everything!<br />
KOCHANSKI: Able's pod just crash-landed.<br />
LISTER: He threw his life away to save us and we hardly<br />
knew him...<br />
KRYTEN: With your permission, sirs, ma'am, I would like to<br />
recover the body and perform last rites.<br />
LISTER: Do you need a hand, Kryts?<br />
KRYTEN: He ain't heavy, sir, he's my brother.<br />
page 23
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG COCKPIT<br />
Epideme<br />
CAT: What IS that thing?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Astro-glacier. Allotropically modified,<br />
surrounded by an envelope of luminous gases.<br />
CAT: Thanks! That's most helpful! What is it?<br />
LISTER: To you: a big iceberg.<br />
KOCHANSKI: I studied them in my first year in the Corps.<br />
but I've never seen one up this close before. Isn't it<br />
inc<strong>red</strong>ible? Look at those crystaline formations...<br />
LISTER: You think all this sciency stuff's really interesting,<br />
don't you? I bet, at school, you were always the one<br />
with the right colou<strong>red</strong> pencils, and the impossibly neat<br />
handwriting. I bet even now you can probably tell us<br />
the average rainfall of the oil-rich coastal low-lands of<br />
Venezuela...<br />
KOCHANSKI: No I couldn't, I've no idea... Okay, three point<br />
four inches, so what? Unlike you guys, my greatest<br />
accomplishment isn't a line on a loo wall somewhere<br />
marking my highest ever pee.<br />
KRYTEN: I'll have you know, ma'am, I too possess<br />
qualifications.<br />
CAT: What qualifications have you got, meat-tenderiser<br />
head?<br />
KRYTEN: Why, I'm a fully qualified Bachelor of Sanitation.<br />
You may not know this, sir, but many years ago I<br />
completed my course at Toilet University, where I<br />
studied the lavatorial sciences.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Toilet University's just a piece of software,<br />
it's part of your core program.<br />
KRYTEN: I still had to complete a written examination to<br />
indicate the program was successfully installed. Most<br />
interesting. Did you know, for instance, that the first<br />
syphon-and-valve flushing system was patented in 1778<br />
by Joseph Brehman, whose U-bend curvature equations<br />
are still --<br />
LISTER: Kryten! Can this story maybe wait? Ideally until<br />
after I'm dead?<br />
CAT: Well, speaking personally, I hardly didn't get no<br />
formal education at all.<br />
LISTER: No kidding, professor...<br />
CAT: No, it's true, bud. That's why, sometimes, I don't<br />
know stuff. Like... well, practically everything.<br />
page 24
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: Was this because you brought yourself up, sir?<br />
CAT: Right. There was no one else around, so I had to<br />
teach myself. And seeing as I didn't know anything to<br />
begin with, lessons were long and slow; especially on<br />
Thursdays when I had double nothing.<br />
KOCHANSKI: So, what do we do about the ice?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, water supplies ARE low, ma'am. If the ice is<br />
uncontaminated, it might prove quite useful.<br />
Extraordinary... There's something buried deep in the<br />
heart of the astro-glacier <strong>–</strong> some kind of object... it's<br />
huge; just processing.<br />
LISTER: Well?<br />
KRYTEN: It's a starship.<br />
DOCKING BAY WITHIN DERELICT STARSHIP.<br />
LISTER: This place is harder to get into than an airline<br />
chicken kiev!<br />
KRYTEN: It's the 'Leviathan', sir, a 23rd century JMC supply<br />
ship. Engines are dead: power overload; looks like they<br />
were running from something. Wait! I'm picking up a<br />
lifesign.<br />
KOCHANSKI: I've never seen anything like this!<br />
LISTER: You weren't around for my last party, were you?<br />
KRYTEN: Look at their twisted, tortu<strong>red</strong> faces! The sheer<br />
blind terror.<br />
CHAMBER WITHIN DERELICT<br />
CAT: Hey guys, check this out! There's a woman in there!<br />
KRYTEN: Caroline Carmen. According to the psi-scan, she<br />
was once a supply officer on Red Dwarf.<br />
LISTER: I remember her - she got re-posted to Titan.<br />
KOCHANSKI: You knew her?<br />
LISTER: Yeah - she made a pass at me once!<br />
KOCHANSKI: I don't believe you... a supply officer'd never go<br />
our with you.<br />
LISTER: She did, actually. In fact, me and Karen had<br />
quite a thing going there for a really long time.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Caroline.<br />
LISTER: Caroline, yeah. Karen's my pet name for her.<br />
KOCHANSKI: I don't believe a word.<br />
LISTER: Caroline Carmen and me, believe it! Sexually, we're<br />
just so compatible. In fact, while I was dating her, the<br />
two women in the quarters next door nicknamed her<br />
Carmen Moans. You could ask her if she was still alive.<br />
page 25
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: She is, sir. The life-sign appears to be coming<br />
from this very spot.<br />
LISTER: Does it? Well, she might not remember me<br />
immediately, she might have amnesia. Ice does that.<br />
Gives you amnesia. Isn't that right, Kryts?<br />
KRYTEN: I don't recall hearing that, sir.<br />
LISTER: Y'see? It's affecting him already. Okay, let's get<br />
her back to the bug.<br />
STARBUG MEDIBAY<br />
CAT: It doesn't make sense, bud. The ice won't melt, and<br />
this room's hotter than an English beer.<br />
LISTER: He's right. The temperature has been a constant<br />
ninety degrees, and yet she's still completely cold and<br />
unresponsive.<br />
KOCHANSKI: It's as if the body's generating the ice as a<br />
form of protection.<br />
LISTER: Maybe we should just laser it?<br />
KRYTEN: I recommend we wait until the chemical<br />
analysis results are completed in the morning, sir. Any<br />
hasty lasering could result in lasting damage to the<br />
body.<br />
CAT: Do you really think she's still alive in there?<br />
KOCHANSKI: She must be.<br />
STARBUG. THE WOMAN APPROACHES LISTER AND SLIPS UNDER HIS DUVET.<br />
LISTER: Well... this is a bit of a turn up, isn't it..? You just<br />
couldn't stay away, could you, Kris? Hey, what're you<br />
doing? And what makes you so damn sure I'm<br />
interested..? YOU dumped ME, remember? You think<br />
you can just jump in my bed and I'm yours? Well, as it<br />
happens you're right, but let me tell you, it was a<br />
pretty close thing. Mmm. It's good to feel your sweet<br />
breath against my neck again... Smeg! It's Kryten! Quick,<br />
in the shower.<br />
KRYTEN: Are you alone, sir? Well, I just thought I'd come<br />
in and dust your quarters.<br />
LISTER: It's two o'clock in the morning, man!<br />
KRYTEN: Yes, well this is an emergency dust, you see, sir.<br />
My sensors have picked up vast quantities of dust in<br />
this region and I simply must dust, right now!<br />
LISTER: I'll take the risk, man!<br />
KRYTEN: I simply can't allow that, sir. Double bed mode...<br />
hmm... I'll just dust inside your wardrobe, sir. Under<br />
your spare bunk duvet... in your other wardrobe. She's<br />
in here, isn't she! You promised me you wouldn't like<br />
page 26
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
her more than me! You promised! It's because she's got<br />
a better shaped head than me, isn't it!<br />
LISTER: Not again, man, no! No! I like your head!<br />
KRYTEN: Not as much as you like hers!<br />
LISTER: What are you talking about? You've got one of the<br />
all-time great heads - it's attractive, it's functional, it's<br />
almost perfect for carving a sunday roast!<br />
KRYTEN: She's in the shower, isn't she!<br />
KOCHANSKI: What is all this noise about? I can't sleep!<br />
KRYTEN: Forgive me, sir. Shame mode. Excuse me, ma'am...<br />
LISTER: How the hell did you do that? Of course! You<br />
slipped out through the vent shaft, and dropped into<br />
the corridor - brilliant! You're a genius, an absolute<br />
genius!<br />
KOCHANSKI: What are you doing?<br />
LISTER: I'm unbuttoning your shirt...<br />
KOCHANSKI: What are you doing that for?!<br />
LISTER: 'Cos we've got a little unfinished business!<br />
KOCHANSKI: That was a long time ago, things are very<br />
different now!<br />
LISTER: Look, he's gone - don't worry about Kryten;<br />
now come on, get your kit off, and I'll go and slip into<br />
my Batman outfit.<br />
KOCHANSKI: You really believe in being direct, don't you...<br />
LISTER: Come on, rumpy-pumpy, Kris - let's hit the<br />
springs?<br />
KOCHANSKI: That's your idea of seduction, is it? Well,<br />
forget it, Lister! Not if you were the last man alive...<br />
LISTER: I am the last man alive.<br />
KOCHANSKI: I rest my case...<br />
LISTER: What did I do wrong? Oh my god! Caroline!<br />
You've really let yourself go... You could audition for<br />
about nine hund<strong>red</strong> Clearasil commercials! God!<br />
KRYTEN: Are you all right, sir!?<br />
LISTER: I've just been molested by Tutunkamun's horny<br />
grandma! The taste! I need to go and gargle with a toilet<br />
duck!<br />
KRYTEN: She's dead, sir - and, curious, it appears she's<br />
been dead for three million years...<br />
LISTER: If she's been dead for three million years, where did<br />
the lifesigns come from?<br />
KRYTEN: Good point, sir; and, more to the point,<br />
where did they go?<br />
page 27
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG MID-SECTION<br />
LISTER: I feel really lousy...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Oh, you're probably just in shock, don't be<br />
such a baby.<br />
KRYTEN: Miss Kochanski, ma'am, if I may say so, your<br />
bedside manner leaves something to be desi<strong>red</strong>.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Like what?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, like a bedside manner!<br />
LISTER: You think I'm a hyperchondriac?<br />
KOCHANSKI: You're a man, aren't you? I mean, you all get<br />
the common cold and you think it's malaria.<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, and women, of course, are different?<br />
LISTER: They just have a different perspective on pain,<br />
Kryten. As would you if, every summer, you had to<br />
pour hot wax on your crotch and rip out half your<br />
thatch.<br />
CAT: He's right, I hate doing that.<br />
KRYTEN: The tests are complete, and there's a foreign<br />
substance in your blood, and... I recognise the DNA, sir.<br />
It's the epideme virus. A man-made parasite created as a<br />
rival to the nicotine patch. Epideme was an intelligent<br />
organism, designed to block all neural signals relating<br />
to nicotine craving, but in practice, it also blocked the<br />
signals telling the body it needed blood and oxygen.<br />
CAT: Is that why the Carmen chick looked like the<br />
centerfold from this month's Playzombie?<br />
KRYTEN: Precisely. It's virtually unstoppable. For the<br />
first forty-eight hours it consumes its host, then hijacks<br />
the corpse and goes looking for a new victim... When<br />
it can't find one, it freezes the body and waits.<br />
CAT: So, the lifesigns on the Leviathan --<br />
KOCHANSKI: Didn't belong to Carmen, but to the parasite<br />
inhabiting her body... Which passed to you the<br />
moment she...<br />
LISTER: Slipped her mouth-meat down my gullet? I've<br />
been tongue-hockeyed to death! In forty-eight hours I'm<br />
going to be deader than a Saturday night in Salt Lake<br />
City!<br />
KRYTEN: There is one option, sir... I believe you might<br />
have a chance if you, well, reason with it. The virus, sir.<br />
After all, it is intelligent.<br />
LISTER: Kryten, are you neural circuits picking up<br />
interference from the tumble-drier again?<br />
KRYTEN: If we can patch in the universal translator, it<br />
might just be possible to talk to it. I believe it's your<br />
only chance, sir.<br />
page 28
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG MEDIBAY<br />
KRYTEN: It's a long shot, I know, but if we can reason with<br />
it, we might persuade it to leave. Now, remember: be<br />
charming.<br />
EPIDEME: And a great big "Hi!" to all of you out there in<br />
flesh-and-blood land! And tonight, Dave Lister, assistant<br />
vending machine sub-operative, and spice food<br />
connoisseur, this is your death! Your line...<br />
KRYTEN: I take it we're speaking with the epideme virus..?<br />
EPIDEME: Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling<br />
generous, give him two! Dave... let's run down the<br />
rules. If you win: you get to live; if I win: you get to die,<br />
and I take all your knowledge then I kill you...<br />
LISTER: What? You absorb knowledge from every person<br />
you kill?<br />
EPIDEME: So, as you can appreciate, killing you ain't<br />
exactly a career highlight... No offence, but when<br />
you're a virus there's not much call for knowing how<br />
to open a lager bottle with your anus.<br />
LISTER: How can you justify killing another living being?<br />
EPIDEME: How about that chicken you biriani'd last night?<br />
How can you justify killing that?<br />
LISTER: Me and the chicken... it was different. I'm a person,<br />
it was a curry.<br />
EPIDEME: He died so you could go on living; is that so<br />
different from what I'm doing?<br />
LISTER: Of course it is! Totally! I'm a human being, I have<br />
certain qualities that elevate me above poultry! I can<br />
think; I can play the guitar…<br />
KRYTEN: We're losing the argument, sir! You better<br />
move on to another subject.<br />
LISTER: I'm the last guy alive!<br />
EPIDEME: And that gives you more right to exist than me..?<br />
Time for your species to check out, Davey.<br />
STARBUG MID-SECTION<br />
KRYTEN: Sir, you know how you told us all to work on a<br />
solution to Mr Epideme, no matter how drastic? Well,<br />
what we thought was - you see -<br />
KOCHANSKI: We want to cut off your arm.<br />
LISTER: You what?<br />
KOCHANSKI: It's our only chance to save you. It could be<br />
worse...<br />
page 29
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: What, you mean I could be planning a career in<br />
archery?<br />
KOCHANSKI: You could be dead. Now, you said you'd<br />
consider anything, well, this is it.<br />
LISTER: Can I have some details? Something a little bit more<br />
inspiring than "can I hack off your limb?"<br />
KRYTEN: The plan is to inject anti-virals in a precise<br />
pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your<br />
arm.<br />
LISTER: And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice<br />
have I got... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause<br />
my right arm does all my favourite things.<br />
STARBUG MEDIBAY<br />
KOCHANSKI: Okay, virus heading north. And heading for<br />
the left shoulder. No, no, no, no! It's heading away<br />
from his left arm…<br />
KRYTEN: The right arm, it's our only chance. Laser bone<br />
saw, sir, quickly! Amputation mode: cut and cauterise!<br />
KOCHANSKI: It's not enough. Still not enough. Okay! If this<br />
doesn't work, we're out of options.<br />
CAT: Whether it works or not, it's gonna be a cold<br />
day in hell before I touch barbecue wings again!<br />
STARBUG MEDIBAY, LATER.<br />
KOCHANSKI: He's awake!<br />
LISTER: My left arm, I said! That's my right; what kind of<br />
navigation officer can't tell left from right?<br />
KOCHANSKI: We did the best we could; I am so sorry.<br />
LISTER: Where is it?<br />
KOCHANSKI: We flushed it into space, we had to.<br />
LISTER: Oh, my right arm... I did everything with that arm;<br />
we were inseparable! At least, I thought we were.<br />
Oh, it's not your fault. You did what you had to do to<br />
save my life. You haven't saved my life... So, to sum up:<br />
all I've got to look forward to now is death,<br />
zombification, and then a quick, after-death snog with<br />
either you or the Cat? You've given my arm for<br />
nothing?<br />
KRYTEN: Not nothing, sir! Based on my calculations, it's<br />
bought you approximately fifty-eight minutes more<br />
life.<br />
LISTER: What am I gonna do with fifty-eight minutes more<br />
life?<br />
CAT: Have half a juggling lesson?<br />
LISTER: You're really not helping.<br />
page 30
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
SLEEPING QUARTERS. KRYTEN RE-ARRANGES THE TWO PILLOWS ONE ON<br />
TOP OF THE OTHER.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Kryten, he doesn't like them like that.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, begging you pardon, ma'am, I've been<br />
with Mr Lister for many years now. I don't need some<br />
'Judy Come-Lately' advising me on his sleeping<br />
arrangements.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Kryten, in my dimension I co-habited with<br />
him... I think I know what makes him happy in bed...<br />
KRYTEN: So do I. A large packet of extra-spicy tortilla<br />
chips, and a really good horror movie - preferably<br />
featuring some scantily-clad, kung-fu fighting lady<br />
vampires.<br />
CAT: Hey, old five-fingers has checked out!<br />
KOCHANSKI: Oh my god, you mean..?<br />
CAT: No, not dead; checked out. He's gone. And about<br />
forty pounds of Incinerex blasting plastic has gone<br />
missing from supply bunker <strong>seven</strong>. You think there<br />
could be a connection..?<br />
STARBUG CARGO HOLD.<br />
KOCHANSKI: What are you doing?<br />
LISTER: I'm just popping down the corner shop. Does<br />
anyone want anything?<br />
KRYTEN: Sir, please, come back. There is no reason to<br />
return to the Leviathan.<br />
LISTER: It's the only way, Kryten. Get back over there,<br />
detonate this stuff, and destroy all traces of the virus.<br />
At least I'll rob it of the satisfaction of killing me.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Dave, close the airlock. What you're doing is<br />
insane.<br />
CAT: She's right. You've already screwed up the ping-pong<br />
tournaments, now you're gonna mess up the yo-yo<br />
championships too.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Dave, if you go through that door, I'll never<br />
speak to you again as long as you… Oh my god, just<br />
how stupid am I?<br />
KRYTEN: According to my calculations, ma'am --<br />
KOCHANSKI: Kryten, shut up!<br />
page 31
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
DRIVE ROOM ABOARD THE LEVIATHAN.<br />
EPIDEME: Hey baby, what's this? The Christmas special?<br />
LISTER: That's right, man! And look what I got you: forty<br />
pounds of Incinerex.<br />
EPIDEME: It's macho, but it's not you. You get what I'm<br />
saying?<br />
LISTER: Let's set the timer for five minutes, shall we?<br />
STARBUG COCKPIT.<br />
LISTER [Mic]: Kryten, get Starbug well away from here!<br />
You've got five minutes.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Dave, listen to me. My Dave had a saying:<br />
"even the word 'hopeless' has 'hope' in it"...<br />
LISTER [Mic]: What the hell did that mean? I'm dead<br />
already. Use your eyes. I look worse than the Grim<br />
Reaper's passport photo.<br />
KRYTEN: Please give us more time, sir? The medicomp<br />
might still come up with an antidote.<br />
LISTER [Mic]: There's no point. Look, I haven't made a<br />
will... Kris? Under my bunk, I want you to have the<br />
collection of songs I wrote about you.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Collection?<br />
LISTER [Mic]: Well, three. There's only two things that<br />
rhyme with 'Kochanski'; I used 'underpantski' twice...<br />
Kryten, to you I leave all my laundry. Hey, keep it clean<br />
for me man.<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, sir, you're too generous.<br />
LISTER [Mic]: Cat, you can have anything you want from my<br />
wardrobe.<br />
CAT: I can? Great! I need some hangers!<br />
DRIVE ROOM ABOARD THE LEVIATHAN.<br />
LISTER: Sixty seconds left, epideme.<br />
EPIDEME: Dave, your heart says 'blow' but your brain says<br />
'no!'. You're no quitter - hell! - the people of this ship<br />
kept searching for a solution right until the end!<br />
They never gave up.<br />
LISTER: They didn't?<br />
EPIDEME: Hell, no! They even overloaded their engines -<br />
so sad, 'cause they were so near...<br />
LISTER: So near... They weren't running from something,<br />
but to something... Son-of-a-gun... Kryten, man, change<br />
of plan!<br />
page 32
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG MEDIBAY.<br />
KRYTEN: Sir, I've been meaning to ask: as you retain<br />
specialist knowledge from each of your victims, and as<br />
the two of us have no gripe, I was wondering if you'd<br />
be kind enough to fill in some gaps in my knowledge?<br />
EPIDEME: Sure, shoot! I'm <strong>red</strong> hot in quantum mechanics,<br />
cell molecular biology and TV theme tunes! Ask me<br />
anything...<br />
KRYTEN: Very well. One thing I've always wanted to know:<br />
who on earth was the fourth Marx brother?<br />
EPIDEME: Zippo. Easy! Ask me a hard one.<br />
KRYTEN: A hard one? Very well. How could Starbug's<br />
drive module be reconfigu<strong>red</strong> to be made more<br />
efficient?<br />
EPIDEME: Re-route the pulse relays by the auxilliary<br />
conductor node and transpose all the prime numbers in<br />
the first line of the alphabet to the energy equation.<br />
Thhbptptpt.<br />
KRYTEN: And that would make Starbug more efficient?<br />
EPIDEME: Three hund<strong>red</strong> percent faster!<br />
LISTER: That's all we needed to know. The Leviathan was<br />
heading for Delta 7 for the epideme cure. Trouble<br />
was, by the time we reached Delta 7 I'd be dead.<br />
KRYTEN: Unless we could work out a way of making<br />
the ship go faster.<br />
LISTER: And now we have...<br />
EPIDEME: Well I'll be the son-of-a-bacteria...<br />
STARBUG COCKPIT<br />
KOCHANSKI: How're we doing?<br />
CAT: Like a speeding bullet stuck in the back end of a bat<br />
out of hell! Going into orbit right now.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Scanning surface... oh my god. The planet, it's<br />
been flamed - there's nothing down there! Not a<br />
building, not a plant... nothing...<br />
STARBUG MEDIBAY.<br />
KOCHANSKI: You knew, didn't you?<br />
EPIDEME: Hey, I had to do something to make Dave<br />
think there was hope. The whole planet was flamed to<br />
get rid of me! But I'd already left, in one of the Star<br />
Corps. medical engineers, who then made a housecall<br />
- to the Leviathan!<br />
CAT: How's it going?<br />
page 33
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: Life signs almost gone, sir.<br />
EPIDEME: And in tomorrow's episode: Kris Kochanski has a<br />
nasty turn when Dave, her hilarious decomposing<br />
boyfriend, returns from the grave to infect her with a<br />
wacky, but charismatic, virus! Until then, good night...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Okay, last roll of the dice. Dave, I'm gonna<br />
stop your heart, okay? It's the last chance to save you,<br />
do you agree?<br />
LISTER: You're gonna prevent epideme from killing me<br />
by killing me..?<br />
KOCHANSKI: I'll take that as a yes... (pumps a shot into his<br />
heart) Is he..?<br />
KRYTEN: Dead!? Yes, ma'am! Careful Miss Kochanski,<br />
don't get too close to him! The epideme virus has<br />
transfer<strong>red</strong> to you! It's infected your hand!<br />
EPIDEME: And the big showbiz news today is that, as<br />
expected, the long-running virus, epideme, has been<br />
renewed for another <strong>season</strong>!<br />
KOCHANSKI: Wrong, bug-head! You're axed!<br />
SHE PICKS UP THE LASER SAW AND RAISES IT OVER THE INFECTED ARM.<br />
KRYTEN: Miss Kochanski, ma'am! Have you gone<br />
completely insane?!?<br />
KOCHANSKI: It was Caroline Carmen's - I injected it with<br />
blood and adreneline!<br />
KRYTEN: That really is quite extraordinary... I had you<br />
marked down as a bit of a madam, but I really have<br />
to accept that I'm going to have to get to like you at<br />
that. I mean, you do annoy me to some degree but,<br />
really, that -- Mr Lister!<br />
LISTER: Oh, where have I been?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, for the last few minutes, sir, you've been<br />
dead...<br />
KOCHANSKI: How did it feel?<br />
LISTER: Ever been to Swindon? (Kochanski places a gentle<br />
kiss on Lister's forehead) What's that for?<br />
KOCHANSKI: For not staying dead!<br />
page 34
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
STARBUG MID-SECTION. LISTER PLAYING THE GUITAR.<br />
Nanarchy<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, bravo, sir! You see, there's no need for<br />
despondency; you can still play the guitar!<br />
LISTER: Yeah, look on the bright side... at least now I'm<br />
only half crap...<br />
KRYTEN: We should still count all our blessings, sir.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Kryten's right; the Epideme virus may have<br />
cost you a limb but there are countless people who<br />
have lost an arm, and then gone on to lead a perfectly<br />
normal life.<br />
LISTER: Like who?<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, there are thousands, sir. Thousands upon<br />
thousands upon thousands. More than thousands.<br />
Millions!<br />
LISTER: Who?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, I don't know if I could name them all<br />
individually, but -<br />
LISTER: Name one.<br />
KRYTEN: One? You want me to name as many as that?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Lord Nelson. He beat the French.<br />
LISTER: Who else?<br />
KOCHANSKI: The Venus de Milo.<br />
KRYTEN: The Venus de Milo. No arms at all, but that<br />
certainly didn't prevent her from pursuing a highly<br />
successful modelling career.<br />
LISTER: Go on. You said there were millions; that's two,<br />
and one of them is a statue. So go on: name five.<br />
KRYTEN: Five? Right, well... there's Lord Nelson, and Miss<br />
De Milo, and then there's the, well...<br />
CAT: The painter dude!<br />
LISTER: What 'painter dude'?<br />
CAT: The Welsh guy. You know? The one with one arm!<br />
Van G-g-gogh.<br />
LISTER: He had one ear, Cat. He cut the other one off.<br />
CAT: Did he? See? That dude manages to cut off his own<br />
ear with just one arm, and you're worried about not<br />
leading a normal life.<br />
KOCHANSKI: There must be more... that guy from 'The<br />
Fugitive'! He had one arm, what was his name?<br />
LISTER: 'The One-Armed Man'.<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KOCHANSKI: That's him! See? That's three.<br />
LISTER: He was a murderer. He killed Dr. Richard Kimbal's<br />
wife.<br />
KOCHANSKI: But that proves my point. If that guy can<br />
murder a perfectly able-bodied woman, minus a<br />
major extremity, then I don't think you've got anything<br />
to worry about.<br />
LISTER: Come on, let's face it guys: there aren't any<br />
noteworthy one-armed people from history - you can't<br />
even name five.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Of course we can! Look: Horatio Nelson; the<br />
one-armed guy from 'The Fugitive'; the Venus de Milo;<br />
Van Gogh, and... one more...<br />
CAT: That Mexican dude! The one who robbed people!<br />
LISTER: What one who robbed people?<br />
CAT: The one-armed bandit..!<br />
LISTER: That's a machine, you gimp! One of the most<br />
popular pub games of the twentieth century.<br />
CAT: And it only had one arm? What a heart-warming<br />
story...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Dave Lister. There, that's five.<br />
LISTER: I'm going to the loo. I don't actually need to go<br />
now, but seeing as it takes me forty five minutes to<br />
unbutton my fly, I should probably make a start...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Do you need a hand..? Oh my god! I'm sorry, I<br />
didn't mean that...<br />
KRYTEN: Biscuit, sir? Another bik-bik?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Kryten… What are you doing?<br />
KRYTEN: I'm just dunking bikkies, ma'am. It's another of<br />
life's joys, of which poor Mr Lister has been robbed.<br />
Isn't that right, sir?<br />
LISTER: Could you give my nose a tweak? I've got a bit<br />
of an itch.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Why can't you itch it yourself? You've still got<br />
one arm.<br />
KRYTEN: There. Is that better, sir?<br />
LISTER: Yeah, a bit.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Kryten, I told you before: he wants to be<br />
independent. He doesn't need you running around<br />
after him like he's some kind of invalid.<br />
KRYTEN: But he does! Don't you, sir? Another slurp of<br />
tea, sir?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Oh, this is making me sick.<br />
page 36
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: Take no notice of her, sir. It's nearly<br />
suppertime. Chuckie-eggs tonight, sir, which your toast<br />
cut up into little, tiny, weeny, bite-sized soldiers of<br />
varying ranks.<br />
LISTER: Thanks, Kryts, but maybe I can cut up my own<br />
toast?<br />
KRYTEN: Now just remember, sir: Kryten knows best!<br />
LISTER: I wanna stretch my legs... take a walk around<br />
the ship.<br />
KRYTEN: Just opening the door for you, sir. There we go,<br />
the door's open, sir. Just closing the door now, sir. The<br />
door's closing, sir, the door's nearly closed, and it's<br />
closed, sir.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Florence Nightingdroid, could I have a word?<br />
KRYTEN: Certainly, ma'am.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Look, deep down I'm a big softie. The first<br />
time I saw Gone With The Wind I went through a<br />
whole box of tissues. 'Now Voyager' I was so choked<br />
up I couldn't speak for twenty minutes.<br />
KRYTEN: I'll make a note, ma'am... 'Now Voyager'.<br />
Worth keeping on stand-by... Carry on, ma'am!<br />
KOCHANSKI: I'm saying, I'm not a heartless bitch. So you'll<br />
understand that what I'm about to say isn't easy:<br />
Back off Lister - let him learn to cope on his own,<br />
it's the only way.<br />
KRYTEN: I don't understand, ma'am.<br />
KOCHANSKI: By helping him, you're not helping him.<br />
KRYTEN: But if it wasn't for me he wouldn't even be<br />
wearing underpants!<br />
KOCHANSKI: Have you ever heard of something called<br />
'tough love'?<br />
KRYTEN: Does it involve dressing up?<br />
KOCHANSKI: No. It means, sometimes to help a person<br />
you have to get tough! Make them stand on their own<br />
two feet, or in Lister's case, one hand!<br />
KRYTEN: I see. So you think it's time to let him start<br />
brushing his own teeth again?<br />
KOCHANSKI: I do, yes. I also think it's time you built him an<br />
artificial arm and gave him the chance not to be so<br />
dependent on you.<br />
KRYTEN: I was meaning to get around to that, ma'am,<br />
but, what with being on twenty-four hour 'wipe alert',<br />
I haven't had time!<br />
page 37
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KOCHANSKI: 'Wipe alert'? No! Don't even tell me what<br />
that means. I have a feeling I know, and if I'm right, it's<br />
the grossest thing I have ever heard!<br />
KRYTEN: I mean his mouth... I help him get rid of the<br />
crumbs around his mouth..?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Yeah... that's what I thought... And it's<br />
absolutely gross! Disgusting.<br />
LISTER & CAT ARE SAT AT THE SCANNER TABLE ACROSS A DRAUGHTS BOARD.<br />
CAT: It's a real son-of-a-bitch about your arm, bud.<br />
Losing an arm... that is one terrible thing. Can you<br />
imagine that? One minute you got two arms and the<br />
next: vreeee, doof - you got one. Phewwwie. That's<br />
tough. And it stands to reason we must need two<br />
arms - that's why we got two arms. Well, except you.<br />
You're probably wondering: "is it going to affect my<br />
life?" But I've been thinking about this and I think the<br />
answer is: "Yes, it is". If it were me, I couldn't survive.<br />
First chance I get I'd climb to the top of my highest pair<br />
of platform boots and leap to my death or something.<br />
I couldn't stand the thought of not being perfect.<br />
But with you I think it's different. Take a pit bull terrier,<br />
a real ugly son-of-a-bitch. It loses its leg, somehow, and<br />
the pit bull says to you "hey man, I've only got three legs,<br />
will lady pit bulls still like me?" I mean, you've got to<br />
stop from laughing, haven't you? He's ugly with four<br />
legs! He's ugly with three! Hell, he'd be ugly if you put<br />
him in a suit and gave him a carnation. So here's<br />
something I think is gonna cheer you up!<br />
LISTER: It's your move.<br />
CAT: Okay, okay, I'm going..! I don't think you've been<br />
listening to a thing I've said..!<br />
KRYTEN: Right, now this is a copy of the standard model<br />
from the 21st century. Okay, now let's recap: the limb<br />
is connected to neurons which run up to the left<br />
hemisphere of your brain, which controls the right side<br />
of your body. Now, all you have to do is merely<br />
command the arm to do something, and it obeys. Now,<br />
let's practice. I want you to think: "arm - pick up the<br />
ball". Now just think: "I will pick up the ball." That's right,<br />
good, now, concentrate. Now, focus down onto that and<br />
keep the thought, sir! Hand, pick up the ball! That's right,<br />
sir, now keep going, now really think, now. Hand, pick<br />
up the ball! Now let's really get it going, sir! Pick up<br />
the ball! REALLY START TO GO NOW, SIR! HAND,<br />
PICK UP THE BALL, NOW LET'S KEEP MOVING!<br />
page 38
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KEEP ON, SIR, YOU CAN DO IT! YOU'RE GOING<br />
TO MOVE THAT HAND, SIR! WE'RE STARTING TO<br />
MOVE, NOW! YES! IT'S DEFINITELY MOVING, SIR!<br />
YES! Oh! Bravo, sir!<br />
LISTER: Oh! The sweat's dripping off me!<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, that was fantastic, sir! Absolutely marvellous,<br />
it worked like a dream!<br />
LISTER: Is that it?<br />
KRYTEN: Well, er, how do you mean, sir?<br />
LISTER: Is that the best it works?<br />
KRYTEN: In what way?<br />
LISTER: If I want to pick up a ball, am I going to have to<br />
take the morning off?<br />
KRYTEN: It was a tad slow, I'm forced to admit.<br />
LISTER: A tad? The only thing I've ever seen pick up<br />
slower is Rimmer in a disco.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, maybe if I adjust the impulse valve it might<br />
make it a little more sensitive. Okay, let's try again:<br />
"Hand, pick up the ball". I think, sir, there's a lot of anger<br />
inside you, and that's what's driving the arm. You've<br />
lost your arm, sir, you've every right to feel angry. It's<br />
subconscious. You're thinking "hand, pick up the ball",<br />
but your subconscious is saying "punch Kryten in the<br />
head; beat the brains out of the demented droid that<br />
cut off my beloved arm". Am I right?<br />
LISTER: Kryten, that's rubbish! … You're right! It's<br />
controlled by my subconscious!<br />
KRYTEN: It's far too dangerous to let you out with that<br />
arm, sir. Two minutes with Miss Kochanski and who<br />
knows what you'd be swinging around your head!<br />
KOCHANSKI: There must be a solution to this.<br />
CAT: Hey, half-eaten lollipop head: what about one of your<br />
spares? Wha'd'ya say, motherboarder?<br />
KRYTEN: Too heavy, sir. With the strain and extra weight<br />
it would be impossible for Mr Lister even to get it up.<br />
CAT: He could always take it off if he was going on a date.<br />
LISTER: Can someone take him outside and do something<br />
to him? Ideally involving icecubes and any pucke<strong>red</strong><br />
body cavity.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Wait a minute... what about your self-repair<br />
system? Can't that help? When you have a mechanical<br />
failure, it fixes itself, doesn't it? The Kryten back in my<br />
dimension had these tiny little robots... sub-atomic..?<br />
page 39
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: Nanobots. They break objects down into their<br />
component atoms and then recombine those atoms to<br />
repair damaged circuits. Nanotechnology.<br />
CAT: Er, just for me: could you run that by me one more<br />
time, but this time do the big writing version, with<br />
pictures. One word per page?<br />
KRYTEN: Let me think of a cogent paradigm...<br />
CAT: I'd rather have a good example..?<br />
KRYTEN: This is a lead pencil. It's made of graphite, which is<br />
a particular arrangement of carbon atoms. This is<br />
diamond, it too is made of carbon atoms. Nanobots<br />
can rearrange atoms so they could take this lead<br />
pencil, move the atoms around a bit, and turn it into<br />
diamond.<br />
CAT: It's possible to make diamonds out of pencils?<br />
KRYTEN: It's also possible to make computer chips out of<br />
sand.<br />
KOCHANSKI: So, what happens if we transfer<strong>red</strong> some of<br />
your nanobots into Dave? Wouldn't they be able to<br />
build him a new arm from his excess body tissue?<br />
KRYTEN: Unfortunately, ma'am, it's not possible. I no<br />
longer have any nanobots, sir. They deserted me. When<br />
and where I can't be exactly certain.<br />
LISTER: But if we were to find these nanobots, could they<br />
build me a new arm?<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, but finding them would be close to<br />
impossible, sir. It would be like looking for a needle in<br />
a male student's flat.<br />
KOCHANSKI: When was the last repair they made?<br />
KRYTEN: When we were on the Esperanto, just before we<br />
met the Despair Squid.<br />
LISTER: That was ages ago; before we lost the Dwarf.<br />
KRYTEN: That's why I've given up hope of ever finding<br />
them.<br />
LISTER: Let's set a course back to the Esperanto.<br />
KRYTEN: But I promise you it's futile, sir… I'll start<br />
preparing the suspended animation booths...<br />
LISTER: Hang on a minute, we're not there... where the<br />
smeg are we?<br />
KOCHANSKI: The computer's brought us out of Deep Sleep<br />
early, it must have picked up something.<br />
LISTER: Maybe it's something to do with this planetoid<br />
directly ahead?<br />
page 40
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
KRYTEN: Just scanning, sir. No, that's ridiculous... It's not<br />
even worth mentioning, ma'am. Must be a scanner<br />
fault. Re-scanning. What? Again?<br />
LISTER: What is it, man? You look shakier than a silicon<br />
implant ward during an earthquake.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, according to all our scanners, that<br />
planetoid out there is... Red Dwarf...<br />
LISTER: Bahh, must be on the blink.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Of course it's on the blink! We're talking<br />
about the same piece of equipment that last month<br />
detected a planet entirely populated by air hostesses.<br />
KRYTEN: We spent two weeks checking that out.<br />
CAT: I knew we gave up too soon! It was worth at least<br />
one more week.<br />
KRYTEN: However, there is one additional factor.<br />
KOCHANSKI: Which is..?<br />
KRYTEN: That we've been here before.<br />
CAT: Of course we have, it's the cockpit, dummy! We<br />
come here all the time.<br />
KRYTEN: In this sector of the galaxy, sir... Doesn't it look<br />
familiar?<br />
LISTER: Kryten, it's space. Black with twinkly bits. It all<br />
looks familiar.<br />
KRYTEN: If you look to the port side, sir, that planet in the<br />
distance is the ocean world where we discove<strong>red</strong> the<br />
Esperanto.<br />
LISTER: That was just before we lost Red Dwarf... are you<br />
thinking what I'm thinking?<br />
CAT: I'm thinking wearing leather underpants with silver<br />
studs is a real mistake if you put them on inside out.<br />
What are you thinking?<br />
LISTER: Me? I'm thinking about a wooden mallet, you and<br />
icecubes, again.<br />
KRYTEN: This planetoid, let's check it out.<br />
KOCHANSKI: According to the weather scan it's beautiful<br />
down there. Tropical temperatures, not a cloud in<br />
sight! Suggest we dress for snow and take the buggy.<br />
LISTER: Okay, I'm gonna take some readings and grab<br />
some soil samples.<br />
CAT: Looks kinda blowy.<br />
KOCHANSKI: It's an electric storm, whooshing the sand<br />
about.<br />
CAT: You can say that again. There must be more<br />
electricity out there than the surge that went through<br />
page 41
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
the national grid during the commercial break in the<br />
Olympic all-girls custard wrestling finals!<br />
LISTER: Phew!<br />
KOCHANSKI: I can't believe you're here. How did you<br />
persuade Kryten to let you out?<br />
LISTER: He's not my mum, Kris. I hope the Cat's not too<br />
long, I promised he'd be back by tea. Can I ask you<br />
a question? Now that I've got no arm... does it - does<br />
it make any difference to anything? I mean, if you<br />
were a female pit bull terrier, how would you feel<br />
about a three-legged -- Does it make any difference to...<br />
well, plucking any old relationship out of the air,<br />
us?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Dave, before you lost your arm, I thought<br />
you were a no-good, disgusting bum. And I still do.<br />
So, no, none at all.<br />
LISTER: I need to know, is this going to make any difference<br />
to women?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Losing an arm isn't going to make any<br />
difference to any woman who cares about you. Okay?<br />
LISTER: Really? What about sex?<br />
KOCHANSKI: Not here, it's too sandy.<br />
ENTER CAT.<br />
KOCHANSKI: How'd you get on?<br />
CAT: Take a look.<br />
LISTER: This sand... these atoms didn't start out as sand<br />
atoms! They've been enginee<strong>red</strong>, nanobotically!<br />
KOCHANSKI: From what?<br />
LISTER: Computer chips, you name it! According to the<br />
particle analyser, this planetoid's Red Dwarf...<br />
CAT: I'm gonna need some help! There's a lot of stuff out<br />
there, looks like it might be worth checking out!<br />
LISTER: What stuff?<br />
CAT: Hey, it feels like the storm's easing off! Come and<br />
see for yourself!<br />
KRYTEN: Oh, I was beginning to worry! Oh! What on<br />
earth is this?<br />
LISTER: The whole damn planetoid's packed with stuff<br />
from Red Dwarf. Supplies, bunks, drinks dispensers, you<br />
name it. It's like a giant car boot sale!<br />
CAT: I think we got some valuable stuff!<br />
page 42
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: What... napkin rings? A box of hairnet requisition<br />
forms? A motorised tie rack and an inflatable shark?<br />
What a haul...<br />
KOCHANSKI: There must be some useful stuff...<br />
CAT: I couldn't see what I was getting...<br />
HOLLY: All right, dudes?<br />
LISTER: What the smeg are you doing here, Hol?<br />
HOLLY: Those little wotsits...<br />
KOCHANSKI: Nanobots?<br />
HOLLY: They remolecurised... they remolic... they remol...<br />
anyway, they did that word that I can't say to the whole<br />
ship, and left all the bits they didn't want on that<br />
planetoid!<br />
LISTER: What, they fixed your core program, and then<br />
decided they'd be better off without you?<br />
HOLLY: Yeah, it was shortly after they'd met me.<br />
KRYTEN: Well, from one machine to another: welcome<br />
back online, Holly!<br />
HOLLY: What's happened to him..? That's quite horrific,<br />
isn't it? What was it, a cheap razor? It's just not worth<br />
buying them from garages, is it.<br />
KRYTEN: Don't you remember me? I'm Kryten.<br />
HOLLY: Kryten? I'm sorry, mate, it's the way the light was<br />
shining on your... what's the word? Face, I suppose. Just<br />
didn't recognise you for a minute. Never forget a face,<br />
usually, never.<br />
LISTER: So, while we were on the Esperanto, your<br />
nanobots mutinied and took over Red Dwarf?<br />
KRYTEN: They wanted a ship. In my body there was nothing<br />
new to explore, but Red Dwarf itself was far too big.<br />
KOCHANSKI: But they're nanobots; they can change<br />
anything into anything else.<br />
LISTER: Yeah, they can take a Pot Noodle and turn it into<br />
food!<br />
KOCHANSKI: So, they took Red Dwarf, made a sub-atomic<br />
version, and turned the rest of the atoms into a<br />
planetoid for safekeeping?<br />
CAT: Well what was it we spent months chasing?<br />
What was producing that vapour trail?<br />
KRYTEN: Red Dwarf.<br />
CAT: Did someone just turn over two pages at once?<br />
KRYTEN: We were chasing the nano-Red Dwarf, that's why<br />
the readings were so hard to pinpoint.<br />
KOCHANSKI: So, now, they could be anywhere? You<br />
pursued them across half the galaxy.<br />
page 43
ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
LISTER: Until we finally lost track of the readings -<br />
probably because of a scanner malfunction...<br />
HOLLY: That, or they went somewhere out of the reach<br />
of your scanners.<br />
CAT: But we were gaining on them, bud. How could they<br />
outrun us?<br />
HOLLY: Scanners are programmed to scan on the outside.<br />
To escape, they just had to stop.<br />
KOCHANSKI: You mean, the nanos could be in here? On<br />
board Starbug somewhere?<br />
KRYTEN: Re-calibrating scanner, sir. Performing internal<br />
sweep.<br />
LISTER: What are you getting..?<br />
KRYTEN: Nothing yet... just two pieces of Bombay aloa<br />
you dropped several millenia ago down the service<br />
ducts, where they appear to have evolved a<br />
rudimentary intelligence and formed a progressive folk<br />
duo.<br />
LISTER: Keep going.<br />
KRYTEN: Narrowing parameters. Oh... oh my... you were<br />
right, sir. I think we've found them.<br />
LISTER: Where? … So Red Dwarf spent the last two years<br />
exploring strange new worlds in my laundry basket?<br />
KRYTEN: Of course! The ship is now so small that, to the<br />
nanos, a hole in one of your athletic supports is at least<br />
the size of a galaxy!<br />
LISTER: Hey, I like the sound of that: Dave Lister, the<br />
man with the galaxy-sized jockstrap!<br />
HOLLY: The little scamps! It's the oldest trick in the<br />
book: capture your ship, turn it into a planet, then<br />
explore a macro universe in a laundry basket. How could<br />
you fall for an old scam like that?<br />
KRYTEN: Heh! Nailed the little blighters! After all the<br />
embarrassment they've caused me!<br />
LISTER: Kris, see if you can find a frequency to establish<br />
contact..?<br />
KRYTEN: Leave it to me, sir. I know how to make<br />
contact... Can you hear me, you pesky little critters?<br />
We want our ship back, and we want a new arm for Mr<br />
Lister! Are you receiving me? Aha, we have contact...<br />
They're communicating in machine code; leave the<br />
talking to me. Have you any idea what you've done?<br />
Deserting your droid, you've broken every reg in the<br />
manual! And to compound matters by stealing our<br />
ship, it's unbelievably..! Naughty! Now, listen up,<br />
here's the deal: we want that planetoid turned<br />
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ed <strong>dwarf</strong> <strong>season</strong> <strong>seven</strong> part two small black beetles: the overkill<br />
back into Red Dwarf, and we also want you to build a<br />
new arm for Mr Lister. If you don't, you'll get more of<br />
this...<br />
LISTER: So they'll really manufacture me a new arm, from<br />
my existing skin and bone tissue?<br />
KRYTEN: I've got them worked up into such a frenzy,<br />
sir, they'll do anything I say!<br />
LISTER: Where are they?<br />
KRYTEN: Here. On the tip of my finger, sir. Millions and<br />
millions of them. All I have to do now is insert them<br />
into your body.<br />
KOCHANSKI: I can't bear to look... has it worked?<br />
Someone tell me!<br />
KRYTEN: Let's all turn around, after three.<br />
CAT: One - two - three!<br />
THE NANOBOTS HAVE TAKEN EVERY BIT OF TISSUE AND MUSCLE, TURNING<br />
LISTER INTO A STEROID-ADDICTED BODYBUILDER.<br />
LISTER: Did it work?<br />
KRYTEN: It's been a one hund<strong>red</strong> percent success, sir. In<br />
fact, it's been a five hund<strong>red</strong> percent success! In fact,<br />
they've... Well, if that's all, sir, I think I'll retire for the<br />
evening, good night!<br />
LISTER: Release me, Kris, I've got to see it.<br />
KOCHANSKI: They probably didn't mean any harm... I<br />
think they were trying to make up for before... we'll<br />
get them to have another go, okay?<br />
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