frasier - ten - 6.pdf
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The Devil and Dr. Phil<br />
Fathers and Sons<br />
Analyzed Kiss<br />
A New Position For Roz<br />
FRASIER<br />
SEASON TEN PART 6
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
The Devil and Dr. Phil<br />
Frasier's Apartment. Martin comes out of his room in a robe.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, why aren't you dressed? It's four in the<br />
afternoon.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, I've been workin' nights. My body clock's<br />
off. I'm eating bacon and eggs at night and drinking<br />
beer in the morning.<br />
FRASIER: That's what you always do.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, but now I'm tired all the time.<br />
DAPHNE: There must be some way to end this fight<br />
with your boss.<br />
FRASIER: What's the problem?<br />
MARTIN: Oh, he wants me to date his sister and I won't<br />
do it so he's put me on graveyard 'til I cave.<br />
FRASIER: He can't do that. Why don't you file a<br />
complaint?<br />
MARTIN: I'd just as soon keep it just between the two<br />
of us.<br />
FRASIER: I see. Is this woman really so repulsive that<br />
you're willing to sacrifice all your nights just to<br />
avoid a date with her?<br />
MARTIN: Well, let me put it this way: years of chewing<br />
tobacco have discolored her tooth. … Someone left a<br />
book of one-liners in the lost and found. Hey,<br />
Fraizh, there's your friend again. Dr. Phil.<br />
PHIL: I'll be talking about life strategies at the State<br />
Theater Friday through Sunday. Come join us, it<br />
might just change your life.<br />
MARTIN: Now, there's a doctor.<br />
DAPHNE: I never knew you were friends with Dr. Phil.<br />
FRASIER: Some years back we found ourselves<br />
running into each other at seminars and<br />
conferences. He's an excellent therapist. We had a<br />
bit of a clash over ethics.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh really. What did you do, sleep with a<br />
patient?<br />
FRASIER: Not MY ethics, his. The man bilked me out of<br />
two hundred dollars in a card game.<br />
MARTIN: He did not bilk you, it's called a one-eyed jack.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, yes, there is one eye, but the other eye is<br />
there by implication! Therefore, the hand should<br />
have been a do-over. And you can ask Niles about<br />
page 2
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
this too! As far as I'm concerned, the man owes<br />
me two hundred dollars.<br />
MARTIN: This guy is so cheap, he could squeeze a<br />
nickel 'til the buffalo chokes.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, exactly how old is this book of oneliners?<br />
MARTIN: How old? You're asking me how old? Well, I'll<br />
tell you how old. 1956.<br />
Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Roz are at a table together.<br />
ROZ: Daphne told me all about Dr. Phil. I can't believe<br />
you know him. Do you think you can get me in<br />
backstage?<br />
FRASIER: Roz, I really hadn't planned on seeing him.<br />
ROZ: Oh, jealous, huh? That's okay, I understand.<br />
FRASIER: I most certainly am not jealous. The man<br />
happens to owe me two hundred dollars.<br />
ROZ: Right. But you know who could help you with<br />
your jealousy? Dr. Phil. He'd be like "So your<br />
jealousy of me has taken over your life. How's that<br />
workin' for ya?"<br />
FRASIER: Yes, and I'd be like "Fine. My money, sir."<br />
ROZ: Please? Please, do it for me, please?<br />
She heads for the door as Gertrude brings Frasier's coffee over.<br />
GERTRUDE: Here ya go. I couldn't remember if you<br />
wanted it black or not, so I brought it both ways.<br />
FRASIER: Well, that's very thoughtful of you. Thank<br />
you. (hands back one cup)<br />
GERTRUDE: You might as well keep it, you're paying for<br />
both.<br />
Daphne and Niles walk in and join Frasier.<br />
DAPHNE: Niles, look who's here.<br />
NILES: Oh, isn't that adorable? You see this couple,<br />
we've seen them in the park a few times. They're so<br />
sweet together. We like to think of them as us<br />
when we're older.<br />
DAPHNE: Look how old Niles still puts his jacket around<br />
old Daphne's shoulders.<br />
NILES: Oh, she's still a saucy little kit<strong>ten</strong>.<br />
DAPHNE: And I'll bet he still rolls over in the middle of<br />
the night.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, the picture is got<strong>ten</strong>, thank you.<br />
NILES: Oh, I think I've found old Frasier.<br />
page 3
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: I see. Well, I hope the two of you will<br />
understand if, in future, I choose to knit scarves<br />
only for myself.<br />
NILES: Oh, come on, we were only joking.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, I know, it's all in good fun.<br />
The State Theater. Dr. Phil comes backstage.<br />
PHIL: Frasier Crane, is that you?<br />
FRASIER: Most assuredly.<br />
PHIL: Oh, it's you all right. So, how are you?<br />
FRASIER: I'm fine. How's Robin?<br />
PHIL: She's great. Can you believe it? We're going on<br />
twenty- seven years. And how's Lilith?<br />
FRASIER: Well, we've been divorced now for <strong>ten</strong> years.<br />
PHIL: Congratulations. So, how's your show?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, huge. Thank you. We just added Spokane<br />
last year. And a station in St. Paul... has agreed to<br />
let me send them a tape.<br />
PHIL: Can you believe after all that time we spent in the<br />
seminars that we both turned out to be<br />
broadcasters? Boy, those were some good times,<br />
weren't they?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, indeed they were. Although sometimes the<br />
fun and games were lacking in fun.<br />
PHIL: Are you still whining about that two hundred<br />
bucks?<br />
FRASIER: It's the principle of the thing! I'll tell you<br />
what, why don't we just discuss it over dinner?<br />
PHIL: Love to, can't. I am so busy: personal<br />
appearances and book signings and interviews. I've<br />
got this agent that's got me going twenty five/eight.<br />
In fact, speak of the devil, here she comes.<br />
BEBE: Phil, darling! That was sensational. Frasier. Roz.<br />
PHIL: You guys know each other?<br />
ROZ: She's my agent.<br />
FRASIER: And she used to be mine.<br />
PHIL: I probably should be going.<br />
BEBE: Isn't he marvelous? He's a cowboy wrapped in<br />
a genius wrapped in a dream wrapped in another<br />
cowboy.<br />
ROZ: I cannot believe that I have the same agent as Dr.<br />
Phil!<br />
BEBE: Actually, you don't. Somebody as big as Dr.<br />
Phil needs all of my at<strong>ten</strong>tion. But rest assured you<br />
page 4
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
are being handled ably by an agent in whom I<br />
have the utmost confidence.<br />
FRASIER: However did you land Dr. Phil?<br />
BEBE: We met about a year ago a a charity donkey<br />
basketball game. Texas, darling. It's like the<br />
symphony to them. Long story short, I gave him<br />
some advice and finally he hired me full time. You<br />
can't imagine the connections I have these days. If<br />
only you and I had... well, that's water under the<br />
bridge, I guess. It's fun catching up, but Phil's<br />
interviewing stylists for the Emmys. Bye, Frasier.<br />
ROZ: What a phony, huh?<br />
FRASIER: She used to be my phony.<br />
Frasier's Apartment.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, do you think I did the right thing,<br />
changing agents? I mean, the one I have now is<br />
fine, but after I've seen what Bebe's done for Phil, I<br />
can't help wondering if maybe I've denied myself<br />
access to a wider world. Dad, are you all right?<br />
MARTIN: Oh, I'm sorry. I haven't talked to anybody for<br />
a few days, it feels kinda strange. Even this is<br />
making me a little uncomfortable.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, you have got to stop with the graveyard<br />
shifts or you're going to start seeing apparitions.<br />
MARTIN: No, don't worry about me, I'm pretty tough.<br />
Lis<strong>ten</strong>, I'd love to stay here talkin' to you, but all this<br />
sunlight is makin' me dizzy.<br />
FRASIER: What, you don't like the sun?<br />
MARTIN: Us night-shift guys call it "the scare ball."<br />
the doorbell rings<br />
BEBE: Hello, darling, I came across this old box of<br />
Frasier strategy memos and I thought I'd bring<br />
them by to you.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I didn't realize there was so much.<br />
BEBE: And you thought I didn't work hard.<br />
FRASIER: Now now, there's no need to take that tone,<br />
things have certainly worked out okay for you,<br />
wouldn't you say?<br />
BEBE: Too true. But I can't be blamed for being a bit<br />
of a bitter Bebe. No one likes being tossed aside<br />
for a younger woman.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, Bebe, you know very well I only changed<br />
agents because you were ignoring me in favor of<br />
another client.<br />
page 5
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
BEBE: I wasn't ignoring you! I was only getting some<br />
much needed critical distance for a final glorious<br />
Frasierian push. But let's not rehash the past.<br />
FRASIER: Agreed. We accomplished too much together<br />
to stop being friends now.<br />
BEBE: True. Have you ever wondered what it would<br />
be like if I could apply what I've learned to you?<br />
FRASIER: Yes I have. But it cannot be. Can it?<br />
BEBE: Dangerous thoughts. You're a siren, luring me to<br />
the rocks. But I must resist or you'll hurt me again.<br />
FRASIER: No, I'm no siren, I'm a man. A man with<br />
ambitions.<br />
BEBE: Ambition. The word is candy to me. Damn you,<br />
devil-man, I must go. I'm all confused and woozy...<br />
FRASIER: I understand. But what about me?<br />
BEBE: Very well. Be at my hotel tonight for dinner.<br />
Perhaps you'll show me just how serious you are.<br />
Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Niles are at a table.<br />
NILES: I think I figured it out: Bebe wants to have sex<br />
with a human male to bring about the Apocalypse.<br />
FRASIER: Perhaps. But here's my theory: Bebe's had a<br />
thing for me for years. This, coupled with the fact<br />
that control is an aphrodisiac for her, it's not<br />
surprising to find that she hopes to parlay her<br />
advantage into a sexual conquest.<br />
NILES: But surely you don't in<strong>ten</strong>d to let the promise<br />
of wealth and exposure lure you into her bed.<br />
FRASIER: It's not gonna come to that. It's all about the<br />
dance. It's all about the possibility of sex, the<br />
promise that's never delivered that keeps them<br />
tantalized. One only needs to know how not to<br />
cross the line.<br />
NILES: Excuse me, but didn't you sleep with her once?<br />
FRASIER: Yes, that's how I know where the line is. I<br />
almost feel sorry for her. Just another helpless<br />
woman suffering from an unslakable thirst for<br />
Crane!<br />
NILES: Still, I can't help thinking there's something<br />
Faustian about this whole thing.<br />
FRASIER: Faust was a moron. I'm gonna be a star!<br />
DAPHNE: Hello. Did you see who's here? (looks at the old<br />
couple) I wonder if you'll still be stirring my coffee<br />
like that when we're in our golden years.<br />
page 6
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: Yes. And I know that a touch from you then will<br />
be just as sweet as it is today.<br />
Another elderly woman (Mildred) comes in the door.<br />
MILDRED: So this is where you've been going! And<br />
with this tramp from water aerobics!<br />
OLD DAPHNE: You're married?!<br />
OLD NILES: I can explain!<br />
MILDRED: Don't bother, you worm! You promised that<br />
was it the last time!<br />
Bebe's Hotel Room. Frasier comes in.<br />
FRASIER: I see Phil has landed you in the lap of<br />
luxury.<br />
BEBE: Yes, it's a lovely suite. Unfortunately, there's<br />
some sort of choir championship this weekend and<br />
they practice at all hours.<br />
FRASIER: Is it Madrigal Madness already? I had no idea<br />
it was this close to Whitsun.<br />
BEBE: Please, darling, sit. I'll pour the champagne.<br />
FRASIER: I suppose a drop wouldn't hurt. So, you give<br />
any thought to taking me on again?<br />
BEBE: Yes I have. And I have to say there's almost<br />
nothing I'd enjoy more. But first, let's talk about what<br />
I'd enjoy more.<br />
FRASIER: You want more than <strong>ten</strong> percent?<br />
BEBE: I want you. And "yes" to the other thing.<br />
FRASIER: Bebe, I'm terribly flattered, it's just that...<br />
BEBE: Frasier, a few years ago I let down my guard<br />
and succumbed to your advances.<br />
FRASIER: You seduced ME!<br />
BEBE: It changed me, Frasier. If I crave your touch<br />
again, you've only yourself to blame.<br />
FRASIER: I'm not going to say that you're not a beautiful<br />
woman, but is it wise for us to jump into a<br />
relationship?<br />
BEBE: I'm only talking about having a little fun. After<br />
all, when I'm having fun, I'm happy. When I'm<br />
happy, I work harder. When I work harder, you<br />
become famous and rich and powerful. That's<br />
what you want, isn't it? Fame and power?<br />
FRASIER: I like to think of it more as influence,<br />
really, but...<br />
BEBE: I'll bet I can make you bigger than Dr. Phil!<br />
FRASIER: Is that running water I hear?<br />
page 7
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
BEBE: Yes, I'm steaming the wrinkles out of a dress.<br />
Does it put you in mind of a tropic night? A<br />
moonlit stroll, the rhythmic lapping of waves<br />
against the shore...<br />
FRASIER: You know, if it's silk the steam could damage<br />
it. Gosh, I better open a window.<br />
BEBE: Yes, darling, let the night in while I slip into<br />
something a little more comfortable.<br />
FRASIER: Well, if you want comfortable, how about that<br />
sweater ensemble I saw you in this morning.<br />
Bebe comes in dressed in a black nightgown.<br />
BEBE: Join me, I'll make your dreams come true.<br />
FRASIER: But... at what cost?<br />
BEBE: What I'm offering you is priceless.<br />
FRASIER: I CAN'T!<br />
Martin's Job. 5:29 A.M. A bag of popcorn ignites some sheets.<br />
SUPERVISOR: What the hell's goin' on?<br />
MARTIN: Oh, geez. Just sort of a minor accident here.<br />
But don't worry about it, everything's under<br />
control. So, what time do you want me to pick up<br />
your sister?<br />
Cafe Nervosa. Bebe comes in.<br />
FRASIER: Shouldn't you be in Los Angeles with Dr Phil?<br />
BEBE: That's up to you, Frasier. After our... meeting<br />
last night, I had to ask myself a very difficult<br />
question: Am I really that happy with Dr. Phil if I'm<br />
entertaining thoughts of returning to you?<br />
FRASIER: Are you saying you'll have me back?<br />
BEBE: How could I refuse you? Dr. Phil has been<br />
amusing, but I need a project. I need a Frasier<br />
Crane! Incidentally, Dr. Phil paid me fifteen<br />
percent.<br />
FRASIER: Well, as will Dr. Frasier. I've just got one very<br />
difficult call to make to my agent.<br />
BEBE: Already handled. I also took the liberty of<br />
calling Spokane, the terms of your deal there were<br />
worse than abysmal.<br />
FRASIER: Great, great! You got me more money?<br />
BEBE: No, they wouldn't budge, so you quit! You're no<br />
longer on in Spokane, isn't it exciting?<br />
ROZ: Wait a minute, that is a step backwards!<br />
page 8
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
BEBE: All the better to get a running start. In my<br />
opinion, the future is firmly in front of us.<br />
Congratulations, Frasier.<br />
FRASIER: Roz, isn't that great news? I feel as if a weight<br />
has been lifted from me. Oh, it's marvelous!<br />
ROZ: She's charging you more money and we just lost<br />
Spokane.<br />
FRASIER: Big picture! The future is firmly in front of<br />
me!<br />
ROZ: Isn't the future always in front of you?<br />
FRASIER: Yes, but not firmly!<br />
Bebe's Hotel Room. Bebe is playing poker with Dr. Phil.<br />
BEBE: Well, my little lamb has bleated back to me.<br />
Frasier has rejoined the flock.<br />
PHIL: So my debt is cleared? We don't have to keep<br />
pre<strong>ten</strong>ding you're my agent?<br />
BEBE: We're square, darling. And maybe the next time<br />
you gamble with Bebe, you'll pay your debts with<br />
cash.<br />
PHIL: See, the problem is my wife looks at the bank<br />
statements and if she knew I was losing money<br />
playing cards, she would kill me.<br />
BEBE: So your wife doesn't know you play poker.<br />
PHIL: I don't tell her everything.<br />
BEBE: I see. And how's that workin' for you?<br />
PHIL: Just deal the cards.<br />
page 9
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Fathers and Sons<br />
Cafe Nervosa. Niles and Daphne are at a table together.<br />
FRASIER: What is this? St. Osric's Pre-Kindergar<strong>ten</strong>er<br />
Academy and Day Care Center? Do I hear the pitterpatter<br />
of petite elite feet?<br />
NILES: No, it's just that the wait list for St. Osric's is up<br />
to four years. So I thought we should get our<br />
application in now to be safe.<br />
FRASIER: Very wise, Niles. You know, Lilith and I waited<br />
until Frederick was conceived before we enrolled<br />
him in private school.<br />
NILES: Mr. Procrastinator.<br />
DAPHNE: It's pre-kindergar<strong>ten</strong>. They run around, they<br />
sing, they nap. I mean, how special can St. Osric's<br />
really be?<br />
NILES: Well, I hear the top two percent in coloring and<br />
putting away can pretty much write their own<br />
ticket.<br />
FRASIER: Guess who's coming to visit? Leland Barton.<br />
He was Mom's research assistant. They worked<br />
together closely for years. We were just boys when<br />
he moved to France. Apparently he gave up<br />
psychiatry and immersed himself in the Paris art<br />
world. Today he sits on the board of the Paris<br />
Museum of Modern Art.<br />
NILES: It takes a brave man to just chuck it all. Cross<br />
the ocean in pursuit of a new life in a new country.<br />
DAPHNE: Or a brave woman.<br />
NILES: Oh, yes, that's absolutely right. That's exactly<br />
what you did.<br />
FRASIER: Just like Dr. Barton you bade farewell to the<br />
comforts of hearth and home and filled your sails<br />
with the winds of change and adventure.<br />
DAPHNE: I never looked at it that way. Now I'll have<br />
something to think about this afternoon when<br />
I'm rubbing your dad's bum.<br />
Frasier's Apt. Roz comes in. She has Eddie and Ariel with her.<br />
MARTIN: Hey, Roz, how was the dog park?<br />
ROZ: Well, I got a phone number.<br />
FRASIER: Is that why you people have pets? To get<br />
dates?<br />
page 10
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
ROZ: No, but it's a plus. I've never met one person who<br />
didn't get at least one date through their pet.<br />
FRASIER: Well, meet me! Four years of high school and<br />
not a single encounter generated! Stupid fish.<br />
The doorbell rings.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, that'll be Leland.<br />
ROZ: Who's Leland?<br />
MARTIN: He was Hester's research assistant. Used to<br />
follow her around like a puppy. I think he was<br />
always a little bit jealous of me, to be honest. Not<br />
that he was alone.<br />
LELAND: Hello, Frasier. My God, look at you. I haven't<br />
seen you since you were about, what, seven years<br />
old. And you still look good in a suit. Martin, you<br />
have not changed a whit.<br />
MARTIN: My hair's gray and I've got a bullet in my hip.<br />
LELAND: Well, I'm bigger and balder, but I don't want to<br />
hear about it. And you must be... I'm assuming you<br />
don't go by "Niles" anymore.<br />
FRASIER: No, this is my producer Roz Doyle. My<br />
brother's not here.<br />
ROZ: It's nice to meet you. I guess I should be going.<br />
LELAND: Oh, not on my account, I hope.<br />
FRASIER: Can I get anybody a drink?<br />
LELAND: Not unless you happen to have any sherry.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I think I can scare up a glass. Roz?<br />
ROZ: Oh, I'll have a beer, please.<br />
MARTIN: Well, I can handle that.<br />
ROZ: So, I hear you worked with Frasier's mom.<br />
LELAND: Yes, I did. She was a remarkable woman.<br />
Brilliant, playful, passionate. I adored her. This<br />
sherry is exquisite.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, thank you. It's an Andalusian Amontillado<br />
I'm rather fond of.<br />
LELAND: A connoisseur. I'm very surprised. Most<br />
Americans think that sherry is just for cooking.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, my brother and I have always had a<br />
taste for it.<br />
MARTIN: Well, you didn't get any of that from me. I<br />
always hated the stuff. You know, come to think<br />
of it, so did your mom.<br />
Eddie jumps up on the couch and stares at Leland.<br />
LELAND: Can I help you? Why is he doing that?<br />
page 11
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: I don't really know. He used to do that to me.<br />
But I'll tell you what, just don't get in a staring<br />
contest with him, that's what he wants.<br />
MARTIN: Come on, Eddie, get down. I'm sorry, I don't<br />
know what got into him. I'll get him a treat.<br />
LELAND: Frasier, this is remarkable. You and I seem to<br />
have the same taste in art. Rauschenberg, Otterson,<br />
African statuary and sculpture. Although, I must<br />
confess, I'm not familiar with that one.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, that's because while most Ashanti statues<br />
are in<strong>ten</strong>ded to ward off evil spirits, this one was<br />
designed to distract me while my pockets were<br />
picked at the Kinshasa Airport.<br />
ROZ: You two have a lot in common. Psychiatry and<br />
sherry and art...<br />
LELAND: And furniture. That is a Coco Chanel sofa<br />
unless I'm mistaken.<br />
FRASIER: It is an exact replica of the one in her Paris<br />
atelier. You know, not many people even notice it.<br />
LELAND: Well, not many people have passed out drunk<br />
on the original.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I would love to hear that story.<br />
LELAND: Well you are in luck, because I love to tell it.<br />
But first, let me thank you for making me feel so<br />
welcome. I must confess, I had some reservations<br />
about returning to Seattle, but you've dispelled<br />
them all. To you.<br />
Niles and Daphne are working on a pre-school application.<br />
NILES: Okay, we just need to fill in a name and I can<br />
get the application over to St. Osric's.<br />
DAPHNE: How can we have a name? I'm not even<br />
pregnant yet.<br />
NILES: Well, it's not THE name, it's just a place holder.<br />
Anything will do.<br />
DAPHNE: All right, how about... Simon?<br />
NILES: As in your brother with the substance abuse<br />
problem, Simon?<br />
DAPHNE: There are other Simons, you know. Simon<br />
Templar, Simon Legree... Simon Chipmunk.<br />
NILES: Not exactly building a case for "Simon". How<br />
about Jill?<br />
DAPHNE: No, don't like it. That's the name of that<br />
weather tart on channel eight.<br />
page 12
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: All right, let's just pick a name at random. Like<br />
out of the phone book.<br />
DAPHNE: That's a good idea. Leave it to fate.<br />
NILES: Okay. When I stop, you point. “Bob.” Great. "Bob<br />
Crane." Okay, we're going to need some Wite-Out.<br />
Cafe Nervosa. Leland, Niles, Frasier and Martin walk in.<br />
LELAND: Oh, lis<strong>ten</strong> to me. I've been talking your ears<br />
off for the last hour about psychiatry.<br />
NILES: Leland, it is such a pleasure to talk shop with a<br />
fellow nutcracker.<br />
LELAND: And talking to you Jung people makes me<br />
feel like an "id" again.<br />
NILES: Do you have a pun, Frasier?<br />
FRASIER: No, let's just sit down. Oh, you know, there is a<br />
wonderful Brassai exhibit in town. What do you say<br />
we stop over there after lunch?<br />
LELAND: I would love that. I'm a big fan.<br />
NILES: Oh, I wish I could join you, I have patients all<br />
afternoon. I don't suppose you'd be willing to go<br />
now, would you?<br />
LELAND: Oh, fine by me.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, certainly, let's go get our coffee at the<br />
museum. Dad, Roz, any chance you'd like to take in<br />
some Parisian photos taken by an old Romanian<br />
master?<br />
MARTIN: Hmm... no.<br />
ROZ: Thanks, anyway.<br />
Martin and Roz are walking down the street talking.<br />
MARTIN: Well, I don't blame her for that. Leland's more<br />
like 'em than I am.<br />
ROZ: Really? You really think so?<br />
MARTIN: Oh, come on. How can you not see it? They're<br />
like three fancy peas in a pod.<br />
ROZ: Well, I did notice that they have the same taste in<br />
art and music, and they even have some of the same<br />
mannerisms.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah. And Leland and Niles are both allergic to<br />
rose hips and Jerusalem artichokes. Weird, huh?<br />
ROZ: When Leland started talking to me last night<br />
about how close he and Hester were, I started<br />
thinkin' what you're thinkin'.<br />
page 13
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: And what am I thinking? What are you saying?<br />
You think he's their father?<br />
ROZ: No, I wasn't saying that!<br />
MARTIN: Lots of people like art and sherry and French<br />
stuff. It doesn’t mean they're related. By your<br />
logic, everyone on the cooking channel is their<br />
father.<br />
Frasier's Apt. Niles is going through a manuscript.<br />
NILES: Leland, your autobiography is wonderful.<br />
LELAND: Thank you. Let us hope that the publishing<br />
houses feel similarly.<br />
NILES: Have you shown it to Frasier?<br />
LELAND: No, I haven't. How's he feeling by the way?<br />
NILES: Let's go see. Bring the manuscript, he'd love to<br />
see it. (on the phone) Okay, so "Delilah" is out? No,<br />
that's fine. What are your ideas? ... Taylor. Fletcher.<br />
Cooper. Tanner? Where are you getting these, the<br />
Big Book of Medieval Professions?<br />
Frasier's bedroom. He is in bed, sick. Leland comes in.<br />
LELAND: Frasier, how are you doing?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I'm afraid my stomach is still churning.<br />
I'm not going to be able to make dinner.<br />
LELAND: I understand. I'll leave you to rest. Perhaps,<br />
though, later if you're feeling better I can get your<br />
opinion on a short section of my autobiography.<br />
FRASIER: Well, when I can't give an opinion you may as<br />
well call the coroner, tag my toe, I'm dead.<br />
The living room. Niles is still talking to Daphne.<br />
NILES: No. That's a kind of car.<br />
MARTIN: Hey, Niles. What's going on?<br />
NILES: Oh, we were going to go out to dinner with<br />
Leland, but Frasier's not feeling well.<br />
MARTIN: Oh. Well, maybe I'll go check on him.<br />
NILES: (into phone) Now it just sounds like you're reading<br />
from the spice rack.<br />
Frasier's room. Leland is reading aloud to Frasier.<br />
LELAND: “I realized the sherpa had become my guide in<br />
more ways than one.”<br />
FRASIER: Oh, that was wonderful. Read me another.<br />
page 14
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: Hey, I was wondering how you were doing.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, well, not so good, actually. I'm afraid I'm<br />
going to have to skip dinner. Why don't you go in<br />
my place?<br />
MARTIN: Sure, if you want me to.<br />
FRASIER: All right. You know, the two of you should<br />
get going, really. You'll miss the reservation.<br />
MARTIN: Right. Get well, son.<br />
LELAND: We'll be wishing you a speedy recovery.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, Fraizh, you want me to bring you back<br />
something from the restaurant? Maybe some Jell-o<br />
to sooth your tummy?<br />
FRASIER: Thank you, Dad, it's all taken care of.<br />
Leland's going to bring me some consomme and<br />
sorbet.<br />
the living room as Leland comes in<br />
LELAND: Well, Niles, it looks like your dad is going to<br />
take Frasier's place at dinner.<br />
NILES: Oh, excellent. My leg's asleep.<br />
LELAND: Oh, move your foot around.<br />
NILES: No, it's the whole leg. I'll just wait it out.<br />
LELAND: But the movement will get the blood flowing.<br />
Go ahead, give it a try.<br />
NILES: No, I can't put weight on it.<br />
LELAND: Sure you can. Give it a try. Come on, one step<br />
at a time. That a boy. Keep going, there we are.<br />
KACL. Martin is talking to Roz in the booth.<br />
ROZ: You really think your wife would have ever<br />
cheated on you?<br />
MARTIN: She did. She said it happened once.<br />
ROZ: Oh, my God. With Leland?<br />
MARTIN: No, someone else.<br />
ROZ: You know, I think that you're driving yourself<br />
crazy for nothing here. Of course Frasier and Niles<br />
are your sons. You're exactly like them.<br />
MARTIN: Like? How?<br />
ROZ: Your strong sense of ethics.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, we are ethical. What else?<br />
ROZ: The way they spin out of control.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, that's true. They get that from me.<br />
ROZ: Their stubbornness.<br />
page 15
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: I'm not stubborn.<br />
ROZ: Their defensiveness.<br />
MARTIN: What's that supposed to mean?<br />
ROZ: The way they completely dismiss anyone who<br />
doesn't share their opinion.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, now you're just being dumb.<br />
ROZ: Hey, what is the worst-case scenario? If you<br />
found out you weren't their father, would you love<br />
them any less?<br />
MARTIN: No, no. Well, yeah, a little maybe, at first. But<br />
no, I'd feel the same about them as I hope they<br />
would about me.<br />
ROZ: Which they would. And you know that.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah. I mean, you'd still love Alice if you found<br />
out you'd got<strong>ten</strong> the wrong baby at the hospital.<br />
And as a cop, I've seen that happen more of<strong>ten</strong><br />
than you'd think. Especially at Seattle General.<br />
ROZ: I had Alice at Seattle General.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, sorry. But the point was, that you'd love<br />
her just the same, so who cares who her real<br />
mother is.<br />
ROZ: I'm her real mother!<br />
MARTIN: Okay, geez.<br />
Niles' Apt. Niles and Daphne are still trying for a name.<br />
DAPHNE: "Desmond Crane, you are hereby sen<strong>ten</strong>ced<br />
to..." No, I don't like it. What about "Jack"?<br />
NILES: 'Fraid not. The first name ends with the same<br />
sound that begins the last name. So you either run<br />
them together "JacKrane", or you face the dreaded<br />
glottal stop "JacK Crane", "JacK Crane". It's<br />
unpleasant for the throat.<br />
DAPHNE: This conversation's unpleasant for the throat.<br />
NILES: Why don't we use the name of that nice nurse<br />
from when I was in the hospital?<br />
DAPHNE: "Fong" or "DeShandra"?<br />
NILES: Well, wait. Let's not drive ourselves crazy<br />
about this. It's a temporary name for a hypothetical<br />
child.<br />
DAPHNE: Yes, but once you give something a name, it<br />
makes it more real. And then that name will always<br />
have a sort of priority. I don't care how of<strong>ten</strong> you<br />
say "elevator" or "apartment" or "crossing guard," to<br />
me they'll always be "lifts" and "flats" and "lollipop<br />
men."<br />
page 16
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: Well then, tell you what. You pick a name and<br />
I'll accept it unconditionally.<br />
DAPHNE: "Milton".<br />
NILES: "Milton." Great poet and a great name. Hey,<br />
didn't you have a soccer hooligan boyfriend<br />
named Milton?<br />
DAPHNE: Yeah. That's where I got it.<br />
Frasier's Apt. Niles is playing the piano.<br />
LELAND: What a wonderfully musical family you are.<br />
MARTIN: We sure are. Me and my boys. My boys and<br />
me. We're wonderful and we're musical.<br />
LELAND: Martin, I can't tell you what a wonderful job<br />
you've done with them.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, it wasn't a job, it was a biological pleasure!<br />
And don't forget I had Hester.<br />
LELAND: Well, you were lucky. She was a splendid<br />
woman and a remarkable research partner.<br />
MARTIN: And an even better life partner.<br />
LELAND: Well, I wouldn't know about that.<br />
MARTIN: Damn straight you wouldn't.<br />
FRASIER: Leland, your cab is waiting.<br />
LELAND: Oh, so soon. Well, I can't thank you enough for<br />
all your courtesies. If you are ever in Paris you must<br />
allow me to repay your many kindnesses. I'm so<br />
proud of the way you boys have turned out.<br />
MARTIN: Let me walk you out. Leland, there's a<br />
question I need to ask you. I'm a little<br />
uncomfortable even bringing it up, but I don't<br />
think I could let you leave the country without<br />
knowing the answer. I know that you and my wife<br />
spent a lot of time together. That you were close...<br />
LELAND: I loved her very much.<br />
MARTIN: Then I guess my question is: How much?<br />
LELAND: Enough to trust her with the fact that I'm gay.<br />
You know, forty years ago people weren't as<br />
accepting as they are nowadays. And without<br />
someone like her to confide in... she quite probably<br />
saved my life.<br />
MARTIN: Leland, she loved you too.<br />
LELAND: She really was something, wasn't she?<br />
MARTIN: She really was. Take care, Leland.<br />
page 17
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Cafe Nervosa. Daphne is staring at the St. Osric's application.<br />
ROZ: Oh, my God, are you still stuck picking a name<br />
for that application?<br />
DAPHNE: Yeah, we can't come up with one.<br />
ROZ: Give it to me. I'll fill it in and you'll never have to<br />
see it and you won't feel stuck with it.<br />
DAPHNE: That's a great idea.<br />
Five years later. St. Osric's Pre-kindergar<strong>ten</strong>er Academy.<br />
DIRECTOR: Howard Clifton is officially accepted. Who do<br />
we have next?<br />
COMMITTEEMAN: Last name "Crane", first name...<br />
"Ichabod".<br />
DIRECTOR: Well, if they're not going to take the<br />
application seriously, how can we expect them to<br />
take St. Osric's seriously? (stamps it "ADMISSION<br />
DENIED")<br />
page 18
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Analyzed Kiss<br />
Radio Studio. Frasier is nearing the end of his show.<br />
FRASIER: Well, I think we’ve got time for one last caller.<br />
Roz, who have we got? Well, I suppose I’ll be<br />
fielding this last one myself. Let’s try line two. Go<br />
ahead, caller, your name and problem, please.<br />
ERNIE: My name’s Ernie, and I’m real angry at my dog.<br />
FRASIER: Okay, Ernie. Very of<strong>ten</strong> when people have<br />
feelings towards their pets it of<strong>ten</strong> reflect feelings<br />
they have about themselves and their place in<br />
society. So tell me, why are you angry at your dog?<br />
ERNIE: He keeps telling me to take off my foil helmet.<br />
FRASIER: Would you hold on, Ernie? Someone will come<br />
on the line with the number of an expert in this sort<br />
of situation. Let’s try line four.<br />
ROZ: Oh yes, of course I’m interested! I’ll fax my<br />
resume right over!<br />
FRASIER: Well, the news is up next, followed by the<br />
market update with Julia Wilcox. That’s it for me<br />
today. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying good day and<br />
good mental health.<br />
KENNY: Another great show, doc.<br />
FRASIER: Did you even lis<strong>ten</strong>?<br />
KENNY: You don’t have to eat every Big Mac to know<br />
it’s a delicious hamburger sandwich.<br />
FRASIER: Roz, what’s going on?<br />
ROZ: I’m sorry, but they want to interview me for the<br />
program director job at KPXY.<br />
FRASIER: Well... that’s great, but I didn’t even know you<br />
were looking.<br />
ROZ: I wasn’t! They just called me, out of the blue!<br />
I’m actually shocked, because I have very limited<br />
experience in management. But, well, Kenny’s in<br />
management, how hard can it be?<br />
KENNY: Hey, it’s not that easy. I know it looks like a<br />
monkey can do my job, but it can’t. True story.<br />
FRASIER: Well, gosh, Roz, I must say I’ve got some<br />
mixed feelings about this. I mean, I couldn’t be<br />
happier that you’re finally getting the recognition<br />
you deserve, but I’m gonna miss you.<br />
ROZ: Oh, let’s wait ‘til there’s a real offer before we<br />
break out the Kleenex and champagne.<br />
page 19
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
JULIA: Roz, Kenny told me about your job interview.<br />
Good luck.<br />
ROZ: Oh, I get it. It’ll be good luck because if I get the<br />
job, I’ll be gone.<br />
JULIA: No, it sounds like a good position for you.<br />
ROZ: Right, 'cause I get into a lot of sexual positions<br />
with a lot of guys.<br />
JULIA: I’m saying congratulations.<br />
ROZ: Oh. Thank you. (to Frasier) What’s her problem?<br />
Roz closes her door. Frasier turns to Julia.<br />
FRASIER: You’re being uncharacteristically decent<br />
today. You all right?<br />
JULIA: I’m fine. All right, I might as well tell you<br />
before he does. Avery and I broke up. I got tired<br />
of lis<strong>ten</strong>ing to him promise he’d leave his wife.<br />
FRASIER: I’m sorry. I realize you must be going<br />
through...<br />
JULIA: Oh, I don’t need your sympathy. I’m not one of<br />
your pathetic code-three whackadoos.<br />
FRASIER: I was just trying to help. No need to insult my<br />
callers.<br />
ROZ: Foil Helmet Guy says his dog needs to speak to<br />
you.<br />
Café Nervosa. Every table is occupied. Frasier enters.<br />
FRASIER: Gosh, I’ve never seen this place so crowded.<br />
What’s the occasion?<br />
DAPHNE: It’s Mum’s day off. Apparently there was a<br />
mass e-mail.<br />
FRASIER: So, is Niles going to be joining us?<br />
DAPHNE: No, he’s taking your father to the shooting<br />
range.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, yes, of course, I’d forgot<strong>ten</strong>. He asked me<br />
to take him, but then I suggested that when it<br />
comes to guns, perhaps he would prefer someone of<br />
Niles’s... caliber. I’m in rare form today.<br />
DAPHNE: You should see this place when they know<br />
you’re not coming.<br />
Julia comes in, talking on her cell phone.<br />
JULIA: No, Avery... two-thirds of the work on that<br />
program is mine! Well, I don’t have to prove it, it’s a<br />
fact! Oh yeah? Well, I should have expected as<br />
much from a man who wears leopard print bikini<br />
briefs! (to the whole café) Avery McManus wears shiny,<br />
acetate, man-panties! (to Frasier) Now that I’ve<br />
page 20
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
dumped your bastard accountant, he’s trying to cut<br />
me out of our software program. We – mostly me –<br />
developed a proprietary method for analyzing<br />
price/volume momentum – I call it vector scaling –<br />
that can quantify the likelihood of longer-term<br />
trends. Do you realize what that means? That<br />
program is my baby, I have been working on it for<br />
months. I think your bastard accountant has been<br />
using me all along. Thanks for setting us up!<br />
FRASIER: I did no such thing!<br />
JULIA: You know what I ought to do? I ought to go down<br />
to his office, demand my files, and then trash the<br />
place!<br />
FRASIER: Just a second, sit down. Take a moment to<br />
calm down before you make any rash decisions.<br />
JULIA: In a few hours, I’m leaving town for a week.<br />
There’s no way I’m leaving your bastard accountant<br />
in control of those files.<br />
FRASIER: All right, if you insist, then perhaps I should<br />
go with you. Maybe I can help facilitate things.<br />
JULIA: Why? What’s in it for you?<br />
FRASIER: Nothing! Surely you can conceive of the<br />
possibility that someone might want to just do<br />
something nice for you?<br />
JULIA: You and Avery are in this together, aren’t you?<br />
FRASIER: Of course not! You’re not being rational, you<br />
know. Perhaps Avery is just holding your program<br />
hostage because he feels hurt. Perhaps this is his<br />
clumsy way of trying to initiate a dialogue.<br />
JULIA: You really do try to see the best in everyone,<br />
don’t you? So, what do you see when you look at me?<br />
FRASIER: Well... I see a woman who’s been hurt, not<br />
once but many times. A woman who finds it so<br />
difficult to trust someone, she won’t allow herself<br />
to be vulnerable. A woman whose eyes are going<br />
to get stuck if she keeps rolling them like that!<br />
Shooting Range. Niles is looking extremely uncomfortable.<br />
MARTIN: Look at that grouping!<br />
NILES: Hey, Dad, you about ready to go?<br />
MARTIN: I guess I’ve still got the touch. Hey, Niles,<br />
you ought to give it a try.<br />
NILES: Thanks, Dad, you know how I feel about<br />
handguns. They breed violence.<br />
page 21
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: Oh, come on, this is just simple target shooting,<br />
that’s all. Ha-ha! Here’s one dirtbag isn’t going to be<br />
selling crack at any schoolyards anytime soon.<br />
Three men come over, having heard Niles.<br />
RED: You should lis<strong>ten</strong> to the man. Shooting’s a great<br />
sport. Red Brewer. And these clowns here are Mitch<br />
and Wayne. Lis<strong>ten</strong> Niles, let me show you how to do<br />
this. I think you’ll enjoy it. It’s pretty simple. You<br />
just take a solid stance, hold the grip firmly, steady<br />
your gun hand with your other, fingers to fingers,<br />
thumbs to thumb, focus on the front sight, and<br />
squeeze the trigger. Okay, you try.<br />
NILES: Oh, you know, no offense, but I’m not real<br />
comfortable with guns.<br />
RED: You know, Mitch used to be that way, too.<br />
MITCH: Yeah, the only weapon I’d go near was a bow<br />
and arrow.<br />
NILES: I got an archery badge at day camp.<br />
RED: This is like archery, but safer. The weapon’s more<br />
stable, and you’re in a controlled environment.<br />
MARTIN: Go on, give it a try, son.<br />
NILES: Well, I’ll do one little one.<br />
RED: Just remember: stance, grip, aim, relax, shoot.<br />
NILES: Okay. … Did I do it?<br />
RED: You not only did it, you hit the target. See? Sixth<br />
ring out. Look at the kid, he hit the target his first<br />
time.<br />
MITCH: Not bad, kid.<br />
WAYNE: Way to go, kid.<br />
MARTIN: That’s my kid!<br />
NILES: That was a unique experience. I’m sure I’ll dine<br />
out on that story for months.<br />
RED: Don’t quit now, go again. But remember, this<br />
time, squeeze the trigger, don’t pull. … Wow, you’re<br />
pretty good at this! The kid’s a natural, am I right?<br />
NILES: Can I go again?<br />
Avery’s Office. Julia is pacing outside, when Frasier comes in.<br />
JULIA: What took you so long?<br />
FRASIER: I was looking for street parking. Do you have<br />
any idea how much this garage charges?<br />
JULIA: Avery’s not here.<br />
FRASIER: Great, it cost me three-fifty to find that out.<br />
page 22
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
JULIA: No, it’s good. It’ll make it easier for me to get<br />
my program back.<br />
FRASIER: What do you mean?<br />
JULIA: I know his keypad code.<br />
FRASIER: What? That is breaking and entering!<br />
JULIA: If you’re so scared, why don’t you just leave?<br />
FRASIER: Well, I’m not scared! I’ll have you know I’ve<br />
had my fair share of escapades. Back in med<br />
school I once dressed a cadaver in cap and gown...<br />
JULIA: Oh, here’s my program! Okay, good. (logs on the<br />
computer) Now, just in case he backed it up, I am<br />
going to delete everything from his hard drive.<br />
FRASIER: Julia, I beg you to rethink this. I realize you’re<br />
angry at Avery…<br />
JULIA: I’m not feeling anger. Just the peace that comes<br />
with knowing that Avery will be royally screwed –<br />
by me.<br />
FRASIER: There’s somebody at the door!<br />
They rush into a closet as someone is heard entering the code.<br />
JULIA: It’s the cleaning woman. I thought so, I’ve<br />
hidden from her before.<br />
FRASIER: Julia, there’s still time to end this. Look, you<br />
know that what you’re doing is wrong. You should<br />
just get out now before more harm is done.<br />
JULIA: Will you shut up? It’s pointless to hide in a<br />
closet if the people outside can hear you!<br />
FRASIER: You’re going to get caught.<br />
JULIA: Because you won’t shut up!<br />
FRASIER: It’s never too late to do the right thing. No<br />
matter how low someone else sinks, joining them<br />
there does not make things better.<br />
Julia wraps her arms around his neck, and kisses him.<br />
FRASIER: What was that? You kissed me.<br />
JULIA: I was trying to shut you up.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, no. I’ve been kissed to shut me up<br />
before. This was not that.<br />
JULIA: Got it. All files deleted. You know, that didn’t<br />
make me feel as good as I thought.<br />
FRASIER: That’s because you know you did the wrong<br />
thing.<br />
Julia shoves the con<strong>ten</strong>ts of the desktop onto the floor.<br />
JULIA: Ah, that’s better.<br />
page 23
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Café Nervosa.<br />
ROZ: Well, it doesn’t look like I’ll be leaving KACL<br />
anytime soon.<br />
FRASIER: Well... dear lord, what happened, Roz?<br />
ROZ: Turns out the person who’s interviewing me is a<br />
guy I’ve slept with.<br />
FRASIER: What are the odds?<br />
ROZ: It was <strong>ten</strong> years ago, at a convention in Cancun.<br />
We were all hammered.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I’m surprised you even remember him.<br />
ROZ: Well, it’s hard to forget when you wake up with a<br />
nametag on your pillow that says, “Hola! My name<br />
is Woody Wiswell.”<br />
FRASIER: So what’s the problem?<br />
ROZ: There’s just something weird about it. I don’t<br />
know, maybe I’m just freaking myself out because<br />
I’m not sure I’m ready for this job.<br />
FRASIER: Well, of course you are, Roz. I mean, come on,<br />
don’t doubt yourself. Lis<strong>ten</strong>, they’re the ones that<br />
called you, right? You go down there and you get<br />
that job. You’re going to make a great program<br />
director.<br />
ROZ: You really think I will?<br />
FRASIER: Of course I do. Even though I wish you could<br />
stay with me forever. I’m going to miss you so much.<br />
ROZ: Oh, stop it! I don’t even have the job yet, you’re<br />
gonna jinx it! Lis<strong>ten</strong>, I’d better go and get my<br />
presentation together so I can impress Woody<br />
Wiswell.<br />
FRASIER: Seems to me you’ve impressed him already.<br />
As Roz leaves, she passes Julia, entering.<br />
FRASIER: Lis<strong>ten</strong>, Julia, I’ve been dying to talk to you all<br />
week long about what happened in Avery’s office.<br />
Obviously something is going on, and I have several<br />
hypotheses. It could be displaced passion,<br />
frustration from a failed relationship, or an<br />
adrenaline-induced action as a result of stress we<br />
were both suffering from...<br />
JULIA: Oh, Frasier, for once in your life, would you<br />
please shut up?<br />
She leaves, passing Martin and Niles entering.<br />
MARTIN: Fras, you look a little down. Everything okay?<br />
FRASIER: Dad, if you had any perspicacity whatsoever,<br />
you would know that this expression is merely<br />
ruminative perplexity.<br />
page 24
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: My bad.<br />
FRASIER: It’s nothing serious. I’ll work it out.<br />
NILES: You know where I like to work things out? The<br />
shooting range.<br />
FRASIER: Good Lord, Niles, are you still going down<br />
there? I thought you hated guns.<br />
NILES: Oh, believe me, I never expected I’d like it as<br />
much as I do. But when you’re in that booth,<br />
focused on precision, and accuracy, it’s not<br />
dissimilar to a kind of meditation. Wouldn’t you<br />
agree, Dad?<br />
MARTIN: I just like to shoot stuff, son.<br />
NILES: Fair enough. You should join us. There’s a great<br />
bunch of guys I shoot with. I think you’d like them.<br />
FRASIER: Well, I’m not sure I’d fit in with a bunch of<br />
trigger-happy gun nuts.<br />
NILES: Now, don’t stereotype them. These are decent<br />
family men who enjoy marksmanship. It’s a good<br />
group we’ve got. Dad and I are going down this<br />
afternoon.<br />
MARTIN: I don’t think I’m going to come today, Niles.<br />
NILES: Well... it’s Mitch’s birthday.<br />
MARTIN: Well, I usually go shooting twice a year or so,<br />
and after this week I’ve had my fill.<br />
NILES: Well, I’m still going. My shooting’s getting better<br />
and better. Oh, plus the gun show is in town and the<br />
guys are bringing me passes.<br />
FRASIER: A gun show? What’s next, square dancing?<br />
NILES: Maybe. This country was built by gun-totin’<br />
square dancers.<br />
Woody Wiswell’s Office.<br />
ROZ: So, I really appreciate you bringing me in for this<br />
interview. I’ve been lis<strong>ten</strong>ing to your station for a<br />
while, and I’ve prepared a little presentation that I<br />
think will show you what I can bring to the KPXY<br />
family.<br />
WOODY: Oh, that’s not necessary. I mean, this is just a<br />
formality. Trust me, I know what you can do. I<br />
already told the guys about you.<br />
ROZ: What exactly did you tell them?<br />
WOODY: Oh, you know – how incredible you are.<br />
ROZ: Okay, look, I think there’s something that needs<br />
to be said here. Why don’t we just get it all out in<br />
the open? Yes, we slept together in Cancun, but I<br />
page 25
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
don’t want that to affect the job. I mean, it was <strong>ten</strong><br />
years ago, I...<br />
WOODY: What are you talking about? Look, I think you<br />
have me mistaken for someone else.<br />
ROZ: And I think I would remember a name like Woody<br />
Wiswell. I mean, seriously, who's named Woody<br />
Wiswell?<br />
WOODY: Yeah, well, just me and my dad.<br />
Gun Show. Daphne looks on uncomfortably.<br />
DAPHNE: Darling, I just don’t think you need an ankle<br />
holster when you don’t even own a gun.<br />
NILES: Well, first of all, who says it’s for me, Miss I-<br />
Never-Surprise-You-Anymore? And second of all, I’m<br />
thinking I might own a gun soon.<br />
DAPHNE: No, you won’t.<br />
NILES: No, don’t worry. I would keep the gun in a<br />
locker at the shooting range. I would never have a<br />
gun in the same house as your mother.<br />
RED: Hey, how’s it going, kid? Lis<strong>ten</strong>, we’ve been<br />
talking it over, and since we get along so well at<br />
the club, we’d like to invite you down to our<br />
compound in Idaho for a weekend.<br />
NILES: A compound? It’s just like the Kennedys! That<br />
sounds smashing.<br />
RED: Hey, that’s the spirit.<br />
MITCH: See, I told you. Hey, look, you’re good at math,<br />
right? Come help me guess how many shells are in<br />
that jar so I can win the ATV?<br />
NILES: Oh, excuse me. What kind of TV?<br />
MARTIN: Red, hold on a second. Just what kind of<br />
place do you guys have in Idaho?<br />
RED: Run-of-the-mill compound in the wilderness –<br />
free country where we live by the true Constitution.<br />
DAPHNE: They’re those militia people! You fix this, now.<br />
NILES: This is fun, huh?<br />
MARTIN: Uh, son...<br />
DAPHNE: What your father means is, you shouldn’t be<br />
friends with these people.<br />
NILES: I can’t believe you two. You’re always telling<br />
me my friends are too artsy and too snooty. Now I<br />
finally have friends who are regular guys, and you<br />
don’t like them either? Well, I’m having a good<br />
time, and I’m enjoying being a regular guy myself.<br />
MARTIN: They want to overthrow the government!<br />
page 26
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: That’s what you say about public television. …<br />
Hey, guys, whatcha doing?<br />
RED: We’re chipping in for this gas-powered<br />
generator. We’re going to need it when it comes time<br />
for the New World Order.<br />
NILES: Well, that sounds great, excuse me just a second.<br />
… Okay, they’re militia. Go go go go go....<br />
Radio Studio. Frasier is talking to Roz in her booth.<br />
FRASIER: I just don’t understand how this sort of thing<br />
can happen. Don’t you look at faces?<br />
ROZ: It was a long time ago, it was dark. And get off<br />
my case because it doesn’t matter anyway - I got<br />
the job! It is going to be sad to leave the station. But<br />
it’s not like I’m leaving town.<br />
FRASIER: Julia! Lis<strong>ten</strong>, you can try to avoid me all you<br />
like. We are going to talk this thing out.<br />
JULIA: Fine, fine. Anything to get you off my back. I<br />
was looking at you in the closet, and thinking how<br />
you always try to do the right thing, and I felt a<br />
rush of affection for you. Call me cynical, but I’ve<br />
come to accept that most people live by the rule<br />
of screw or be screwed. But to see you, and how<br />
much you care, and really mean it... well, it’s<br />
endearing. Irritating, but endearing.<br />
FRASIER: Well, you know, I am flattered, but there are a<br />
lot of genuine people out there. It’s just that for<br />
whatever reason – fear, anger, hurt - they’re afraid<br />
to show it...<br />
Julia grabs him again and kisses him deeply.<br />
JULIA: Oh, it’s just like the feeling you get when you<br />
see a cute teddy bear in the store and you want to<br />
hug it until its head pops off!<br />
FRASIER: Could I possibly irritate you over dinner<br />
some night?<br />
JULIA: Well, if anybody could, it’d be you.<br />
FRASIER: Take your time, work things out. I’m not<br />
going anywhere. I realize that you’re in a<br />
vulnerable place right now, and that...<br />
She gives him a quick peck on the lips.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I recognize that one. That was to shut<br />
me up.<br />
page 27
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
A New Position For Roz<br />
KACL. Frasier is discussing the state of his show with Kenny.<br />
FRASIER: Kenny, this is not amateur hour. My show is<br />
already suffering enough just losing Roz. I will not<br />
let you replace her with a complete novice.<br />
KENNY: Come on, don't you remember when you were a<br />
young whippersnapper with nothing but a<br />
pantload of talent and a headful of dreams?<br />
FRASIER: Are we still talking about Noel?<br />
Noel is in Roz's usual place. Roz is standing behind him.<br />
FRASIER: Good afternoon, Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier<br />
Crane. Before we get to our first call, I'd like to<br />
remind you that we are losing our beloved<br />
producer, Roz Doyle in a couple of weeks to another<br />
career opportunity. In the meantime, we have<br />
with us today Noel Shempsky, a KACL employee<br />
whose sole qualification for this job seems to be that<br />
he has never taken a sick day.<br />
NOEL: Good afternoon, lis<strong>ten</strong>ers, near and stars away.<br />
Our first query comes from a Class M planet we call<br />
Earth, and appears to be personal in nature. Oh,<br />
and his name is Glen.<br />
ROZ: (to Noel) Okay, Noel, that was good, but you need to<br />
tell Frasier the name of the caller, the town they're<br />
calling from, and why they're calling.<br />
NOEL: Okay. You know, maybe I would learn more if<br />
you sat down behind me and guided my hands, like<br />
they did in Ghost.<br />
Noel attempts to sit on Roz's lap, misses, and falls down to the<br />
floor. Julia enters Roz's booth from the outside.<br />
ROZ: Do you mind? I'm trying to show Noel what I do.<br />
JULIA: Is that why he's on his knees?<br />
ROZ: Get up. Now let me give you some pointers on<br />
call screening. Your first priority are your leapers<br />
and jumpers. Next up, angry people, they're great<br />
energy and a welcome change from our largest<br />
group, the sad sacks. The trick of it is, you want<br />
to arrange these calls so that each segment is "can't<br />
miss" radio.<br />
NOEL: I thought it was about Frasier doing good work.<br />
ROZ: Please, it's all about ratings! If the station had its<br />
way, every call would end in an auto-erotic suicide.<br />
page 28
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Thank you, Roz, now that Seattle knows how<br />
we do things around here, perhaps you could let<br />
Noel know to keep his elbow off the mic button.<br />
Frasier's apt. Frasier and Roz are doing paperwork.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, Roz, do you realize this is the last time<br />
we'll do paperwork together?<br />
MARTIN: What exactly is the new job, Roz?<br />
ROZ: Program director.<br />
MARTIN: Now that's a job. Let me give you a piece of<br />
advice. Less smut and more older-people shows.<br />
ROZ: Yeah, I know, Martin, but that's not exactly<br />
what they're going for.<br />
MARTIN: You could have a show about owning dogs, or<br />
how about this: A show where people just call in<br />
with jokes they've heard. That'd be a riot.<br />
FRASIER: I think they're looking for a wider audience<br />
than just you, Dad.<br />
MARTIN: Lots of people would be interested in that sort<br />
of thing.<br />
ROZ: Yeah, but the advertisers are looking for the<br />
young dollars.<br />
MARTIN: What's wrong with my money?<br />
ROZ: You don't spend it all on fast food and beer.<br />
MARTIN: Yes, I do! You know, I'm tired of society<br />
blowing me off just because I'm a senior citizen.<br />
You know, one day we're going to rise and take this<br />
country back from you young smart alecks. And it<br />
won't be pretty either.<br />
ROZ: I could mention the joke idea to my boss.<br />
MARTIN: You just bought yourself a little more time.<br />
FRASIER: Well, here it is, Roz, the final parking<br />
requisition form. The end of an era. Lis<strong>ten</strong>, I know<br />
that Kenny is giving you a going-away dinner, but I<br />
wanted to have a little celebratory dinner, just the<br />
two of us, all right? Any night you're free.<br />
ROZ: Well, Niles and Daphne are watching Alice. How<br />
about tonight?<br />
FRASIER: Well, actually, I'm meeting Julia later.<br />
ROZ: Why would you want to do that?<br />
FRASIER: We've sort of been seeing each other lately.<br />
ROZ: You and Julia?! She's a total bitch.<br />
FRASIER: If you took the time to get to know her,<br />
you'd see that she's really not such a bad person.<br />
page 29
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
ROZ: Like get to know her naked, you mean.<br />
FRASIER: No. I think she's been misjudged. Sure, she's<br />
got a lot of walls up, but there must be something<br />
good inside if it needs that much protection.<br />
ROZ: Well, there are walls around prisons, too.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, Roz, your opinion has been noted.<br />
ROZ: There are walls around insane asylums, cholera<br />
wards, nuclear facilities, gator farms.<br />
FRASIER: All right, shut up.<br />
Niles's apartment. Alice is chasing Niles.<br />
ALICE: Got you! Now you chase me!<br />
NILES: Oh no, I think it's Daphne's turn.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh no, I just had four turns in a row. But you<br />
know who does want a turn? The TV! Come on,<br />
your video's all cued up.<br />
NILES: Should we really be plopping her in front of<br />
the tube?<br />
DAPHNE: It's an educational tape. Did you want to read<br />
her more Jung for Jungsters?<br />
NILES: She doesn't seem to respond to it. Perhaps<br />
that's a treat we'll save for our own child. When will<br />
that be? When are we going to have a child of our<br />
own?<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, I don't know, when we're ready.<br />
NILES: Yes, we always say that, but how will we know<br />
when we're ready? I mean, if it were just me, I'm<br />
ready right now.<br />
DAPHNE: I just don't feel like we're quite there yet.<br />
NILES: Well, what has to change?<br />
Gertrude Moon walks in the front door.<br />
GERTRUDE: What's this little brat doing here? Make sure<br />
it don't make any noise.<br />
DAPHNE: Maybe it's my biorhythms.<br />
NILES: Daphne, might this have something to do with<br />
your mother living with us?<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I've always thought in the back of my<br />
head that we'd start a family after she left.<br />
NILES: But that doesn't have to stop us from getting<br />
pregnant. And once we are, we've got nine months<br />
to get her out of the house.<br />
DAPHNE: Are you kidding? If she found out there's a<br />
grandchild on the way, she'd never leave. And I<br />
page 30
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
don't think I could take Mum AND morning<br />
sickness at the same time.<br />
NILES: On the other hand, a grandmother can be a<br />
wonderful influence on a child.<br />
GERTRUDE: Alice, you help Auntie Gert find her<br />
cigarettes, and you can have one.<br />
An elegant dining room. It is Roz's going-away party.<br />
KENNY: I think now would be a good time if anyone<br />
wants to stand up and say a few words to Roz. I<br />
know I'll miss her, which is why I'm proud to<br />
present her with this picture of the two of us at<br />
the last company picnic. Won't that baby look nice<br />
in a frame? Enjoy.<br />
NOEL: I'm next. "Sweetest Roz, you are my ship when<br />
I'm at sea, my fairest rose, my fantasy. With each<br />
sunrise my thanks I send, for you, my love, my true<br />
best friend."<br />
BULLDOG: Puke!<br />
NOEL: That was beautiful, you son of a b.<br />
BULLDOG: Okay, everybody, Bulldog to the rescue.<br />
Now, I don't want to say Roz has had a lot of sex,<br />
but she's spent more time on her back than King<br />
Tut. Did you hear the story about the guy at KACL<br />
who DIDN'T have sex with Roz? Me neither. But<br />
seriously--what's the difference between Roz and a<br />
dog in heat? No, really, I'm asking. You people suck!<br />
FRASIER: It's not a roast, Bulldog.<br />
BULLDOG: It's not? I paid a guy at the Chuckle Factory 50<br />
bucks to write jokes for me.<br />
GIL: When's he getting here?<br />
BULLDOG: Okay, you want a speech? Best of luck in<br />
your new job, Roz. If you ever need a sports guy,<br />
I'm your man. And I wouldn't have any problem<br />
with you being my boss. After all, I know what it<br />
feels like to be underneath you. Am I right?<br />
NOEL: Watch what you SAY ABOUT HER!!<br />
FRASIER: Noel! Come on. Walk it off, Noel, walk it off.<br />
GIL: Careful, gents! The way you two are always<br />
carrying on, people are going to start talking. Hello,<br />
all. Gil Chesterton here, with a toast to Roz Doyle. A<br />
wonderful co-worker, and a good friend. Of course, I<br />
too noticed Roz's sex appeal immediately. She had<br />
the same effect on all of us stallions in the KACL<br />
corral. She made us want to paw the ground and<br />
page 31
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
rise up on our powerful haunches fetlocks glis<strong>ten</strong>ing.<br />
Smokey, Misty, Storm! Away!<br />
KENNY: Okay, bar's closed. Gil? Julia, your turn.<br />
JULIA: Oh! Well, I've only known Roz a short time, but<br />
I can see that she's a valuable member of this team,<br />
and I'm sure you'll be missed. Good luck.<br />
FRASIER: Well said, well said. Roz... I celebrate your new<br />
adventure with you, but I wouldn't be honest if I<br />
didn't say that this is a big loss for me. You were<br />
there on my first day at KACL, and you took me<br />
under your wing.<br />
BULLDOG: It's crowded under there.<br />
FRASIER: I don't think I'll ever grow accustomed to<br />
seeing somebody else in your booth. And certainly<br />
no one else can ever take your place in our hearts.<br />
And while we welcome new friends... we are sad to<br />
say good-bye to old ones. Good luck, Roz.<br />
ROZ: Thanks you guys. I just love you all for doing this<br />
for me. We really are like a family, aren't we? You<br />
know, this job at KPXY is a really great, great<br />
opportunity. But it'll never be like this. Which is<br />
why I'm changing my mind. I can't leave KACL,<br />
I'm staying!<br />
Cafe Nervosa. Frasier and Roz approach the counter.<br />
FRASIER: We'd like to get two double lattes to go, please.<br />
GERTRUDE: For an extra dollar, I can add a nip of<br />
brandy.<br />
FRASIER: Is that on the menu?<br />
GERTRUDE: It's on the secret menu.<br />
FRASIER: I'll pass, thank you.<br />
ROZ: You know, Frasier, I feel so invigorated to get<br />
back to my old job. In fact, I'd really like to record<br />
some promos tonight if you're available.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I can't. I'm taking Julia to the movies. One<br />
of my favorites, Noch Einen Stuhl. It's the story of a<br />
19th-century Austrian family as told from the point<br />
of view of an old fireside armchair.<br />
ROZ: I'm sorry, I dozed off, what were you saying?<br />
FRASIER: You know what, I've got to get an alternative<br />
newspaper to check show times. I'll be right back.<br />
Frasier's cell phone, which he has left on the counter, rings.<br />
GERTRUDE: Your phone's ringing.<br />
page 32
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
ROZ: Oh, it's not mine, it's Frasier's. Ooh! It's Julia. This<br />
witch who's trying to get her hooks into Frasier. I<br />
hate her.<br />
GERTRUDE: I'll fix her. (answers the phone) Hello. Oh, I'm<br />
sorry, Frasier's in no position to talk, if you get my<br />
meaning. Who's this, then? Hold on. Sweetheart? Do<br />
you want to talk to a Julia? Oh! Frasier, put me<br />
down! Sorry, he's not here after all. Bye, now.<br />
There. Problem solved.<br />
ROZ: You know, you probably ruined their entire<br />
evening. How can I thank you?<br />
Frasier returns, grabbing his phone.<br />
FRASIER: Only one showing of Noch Einen Stuhl tonight.<br />
Got to go by the box office and pick up the tickets.<br />
ROZ: Yes, I bet they're going fast.<br />
They run into Niles and Daphne, who are coming in.<br />
FRASIER: Wish we could join you guys. I'm going to get<br />
tickets for Noch Einen Stuhl!<br />
NILES: Cutting it a little close, aren't you?<br />
DAPHNE: Hey, Mum! Whan you finish your shift, we'll<br />
drive you home.<br />
GERTRUDE: Really? Are you sure it wouldn't give you<br />
more pleasure to see me walk home on my bloody<br />
stumps?<br />
DAPHNE: Well, it would, but we're in a hurry.<br />
NILES: We'll be here when you're ready.<br />
They see a mother with an infant in a carrier.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, Niles... Just think, one day we'll have one<br />
of those.<br />
NILES: Yes, just one awkward chore to get out of the<br />
way.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, that's romantic.<br />
NILES: I meant asking your mother to move out.<br />
DAPHNE: We're not asking her, Niles, we're telling her!<br />
You have to be firm. This is a woman who came for<br />
a week and stayed for a year and a half. It's not like<br />
she's got no place to go. She's got seven other<br />
children! Plus a home and friends in England.<br />
NILES: Many friends, yes, I just don't know how to<br />
break it to her.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, the sooner we do, the sooner we can<br />
start our own family.<br />
NILES: You're right. Do you realize, this time next year<br />
we could be sitting here with our own baby?<br />
GERTRUDE: Baby? What's this, then?<br />
page 33
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
DAPHNE: We'll talk about it later.<br />
GERTRUDE: I want to talk about it now. What's going on?<br />
DAPHNE: Well, I was going to wait until later, but if<br />
you really want to know, we…<br />
NILES: We've decided to start trying to get pregnant.<br />
GERTRUDE: Oh, well, I'm glad you think you can. I was<br />
beginning to think there might be something wrong<br />
with your equipment, Niles.<br />
NILES: Oh, were you? Well, here's more news: you're<br />
out of the house, so go pack your bags and find<br />
another sucker.<br />
JULIA: Excuse me. Can I get some service over here?<br />
GERTRUDE: Keep your knickers on. Don't move. We're<br />
not done hashing this through.<br />
Julia recognizes the voice<br />
JULIA: Now say, "Frasier's in no position to talk, if you<br />
get my meaning."<br />
GERTRUDE: Now, it was all Roz's idea. I had no choice.<br />
I'm not a well woman.<br />
KACL. Julia enters the studio.<br />
JULIA: Hello, Roz. I just talked to that waitress over at<br />
Nervosa. The one that answered Frasier's phone?<br />
She gave you up immediately.<br />
ROZ: Relax. It was just a joke.<br />
JULIA: Okay. So what's going on? Do you have some sort<br />
of problem with me seeing Frasier?<br />
ROZ: Well, as long as you're asking... I think you're all<br />
wrong for him.<br />
JULIA: That's not your call.<br />
ROZ: I think I know Frasier a little better than you.<br />
JULIA: So?<br />
ROZ: So... he deserves someone better. Someone who'll<br />
appreciate him. Frasier's a good guy. He's smart and<br />
sweet and way too good for you. Why don't you just<br />
leave? Nobody here likes you anyway.<br />
JULIA: Frasier seems to.<br />
ROZ: Well, he's an idiot.<br />
JULIA: Are you trying to save Frasier from me or are<br />
you trying to save him for yourself?<br />
ROZ: Are you out of your mind?<br />
JULIA: Are you in love with him?<br />
ROZ: Go to hell, Julia!<br />
page 34
<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
JULIA: That would explain why you turned down that<br />
great job.<br />
ROZ: That is not true.<br />
JULIA: Then stay out of my way.<br />
ROZ: Or what? Are you going to hit me or something?<br />
JULIA: Don't think I won't.<br />
ROZ: Well, you're sure taking your time. Stay away<br />
from him? Got it? Get out of here!<br />
Niles's apartment. Gertrude is standing in the doorway.<br />
GERTRUDE: Well, I guess this is goodbye. I just want you<br />
to know, I love you both very much, and I'm, you<br />
know, looking forward to standing on my own<br />
two feet again. Thank you for the ticket and the<br />
luggage and the clothes and the spending money.<br />
I'm sorry. This is just so sad.<br />
DAPHNE: Good-bye, Mum, have a nice trip. Say hello to<br />
everyone in Manchester for me.<br />
GERTRUDE: Right, then. Good-bye, Niles. I know you'll be<br />
a wonderful father to my grandchild. I hope you'll<br />
find time to send me a picture.<br />
DAPHNE: We have your address.<br />
GERTRUDE: I'm off.<br />
NILES: Bye. Oh, Daphne, you were wonderful. I don't<br />
know how you did it.<br />
DAPHNE: Hold me, Niles.<br />
NILES: Gertrude! Would you be willing to stay in Seattle<br />
if, say, you had your own apartment?<br />
GERTRUDE: Do you really mean that? I mean, I don't<br />
want to intrude.<br />
NILES: Well, of course I mean it. And we'd even help<br />
with the rent.<br />
GERTRUDE: Well, then, it's settled. I'll just go tell the<br />
taxi I'm not going!<br />
NILES: No, no, no. You're going. Just tell them to take<br />
you to the Four Seasons. I'll go ahead and call and<br />
book you a room.<br />
Frasier's apartment. Martin answers the door to Roz.<br />
ROZ: Is Frasier here? I really need to talk to him.<br />
MARTIN: No, he went out for dinner.<br />
ROZ: Oh, let me guess: Julia.<br />
MARTIN: Wow! Not a fan, huh?<br />
ROZ: I can't stand her actually.<br />
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<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: Really? Well, I just met her this evening, but<br />
she seemed nice to me.<br />
ROZ: Well, that's because she's got you snowed. She's a<br />
mean, snooty tight-ass who thinks she's better than<br />
everybody else. Frasier's making a giant mistake<br />
and somebody's got to do something about it.<br />
MARTIN: Well, good luck, when Frasier's heart takes<br />
over his brain shuts out.<br />
ROZ: That's why we have to do something now, before<br />
this relationship gets any closer. Will you help me?<br />
MARTIN: Well, Roz, if you feel that strongly about it,<br />
sure, I'll back you up.<br />
Frasier and Julia enter. Julia is carrying a cake box.<br />
JULIA: I've brought you some cake from the restaurant.<br />
MARTIN: Restaurant cake?<br />
ROZ: Steady...<br />
JULIA: It's chocolate. Why don't I cut you a slice and<br />
pour you some milk?<br />
MARTIN: (to Roz) New plan. I'll distract her while you<br />
talk to Frasier.<br />
FRASIER: What's going on, Roz? I didn't expect to see<br />
you tonight.<br />
ROZ: Well, I have something really important to talk to<br />
you about, and I really need you to lis<strong>ten</strong> to me.<br />
FRASIER: Well, absolutely, that's what I do.<br />
ROZ: I really, really, really think you should stop<br />
seeing Julia.<br />
FRASIER: Look, I know you two have your difficulties.<br />
ROZ: No! It's not that. She's all wrong for you.<br />
FRASIER: I think I see what's going on here. You and I<br />
have a close relationship. A new woman comes to<br />
the radio station. She and I form a close<br />
relationship, and you feel threa<strong>ten</strong>ed.<br />
ROZ: No. She's evil. It's not your fault. You can't see it<br />
because she puts on an act around you.<br />
FRASIER: Did it ever occur to you that maybe she's<br />
putting on an act for everybody else, and that maybe<br />
I see her as she really is?<br />
ROZ: Oh, she's got you totally brainwashed.<br />
FRASIER: Roz, you have no right to come over here and<br />
run her down to me. It's really none of your<br />
business.<br />
ROZ: This is my business! We're friends. I can't believe<br />
you're turning on me like this! I gave up a job that<br />
was <strong>ten</strong> times better to stay on your show!<br />
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<strong>frasier</strong> season <strong>ten</strong> part six small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Yes, and frankly, I don't understand that! Why<br />
exactly did you turn down that job?<br />
ROZ: Out of loyalty to you!<br />
FRASIER: Are you sure it wasn't just fear? Are you sure<br />
you're not just using me as an excuse not to grow<br />
and move on?<br />
JULIA: Who wants restaurant cake?<br />
ROZ: You're going to have to choose, Frasier.<br />
FRASIER: You will not put me in this position, Roz. We<br />
will discuss it later!<br />
ROZ: No! Tell me! It's her or me! Tell me now, or I<br />
swear to God I will walk out of here and I will not<br />
come back!<br />
FRASIER: Julia, I think I will have some cake.<br />
ROZ: Fine.<br />
KPXY studio. Woody Wiswell, is showing Roz her office.<br />
WISWELL: And this will be your office, Ms. Doyle. Make<br />
yourself at home. There's no chance you'll change<br />
your mind again, is there?<br />
ROZ: No. KACL is ancient history.<br />
WISWELL: Good.<br />
page 37