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SEUSSPEARE: MEET THE MACBETHS

Seusspeare:
Meet the Macbeths
A “Seussified” spoof of Shakespeare
by Christina Hamlett and Jamie Dare
Meriwether Publishing Ltd.
Contemporary Drama Service
PO Box 7710 • Colorado Springs, CO 80933-7710

Seusspeare:
Meet the Macbeths
A “Seussified” spoof of Shakespeare
by Christina Hamlett and Jamie Dare

CAST OF CHARACTERS
ETHELBERT McFee — a blacksmith who has done well for himself
GWYNETH McFee — Ethelbert’s status-conscious wife
PENELOPE — Ethelbert and Gwyneth’s teenage daughter
MACBETH — Thane of Glamis
LADY MACBETH — Macbeth’s scheming spouse
BYRTEL — a witch, has a Yoda mask prop
MYRTEL — a witch, has a Pinocchio doll prop
GYRTEL — a witch, has a Ken doll prop
BRIE — a nosy teenage maid in the Macbeth household
DUNCAN — King of Scotland
MALCOLM — Duncan’s older son
DONALBAIN — Duncan’s younger son
BANQUO — a friend of Macbeth’s
MACDUFF — a Scottish lord
Body Guard #1 — a non-speaking role
Body Guard #2 — a non-speaking role
i

SETTING AND CIRCA
All action takes place during the Middle Ages in the
Scottish gated community of Dunsinane Woods. It’s a split
stage in which the McFee residence (a cozy country cottage
interior) is Stage Right and the Macbeth residence (a cold and
humorless castle interior) is Stage Left. The respective rooms
are only illuminated when action transpires in them. Several
spotlight scenes will be played in the theatre aisle. Both
interiors have wing exits, Upstage windows, and share an
Upstage door in the wall that divides them. The Macbeths
have a Downstage Left stone fireplace with a hearth, elegant
dining table and chairs, and a throne-like chair Downstage
Right. The McFees have similar furnishings, but the style is
plain and rustic. There is a sound effect of a loud crack of
thunder.
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(At rise: The lights come up Stage Right. PENELOPE, with her
back to us, is at the Upstage window, trying to spy on the new
neighbors that are moving in. She’s using a huge pair of
binoculars. After a moment, GWYNETH enters from Stage
Right carrying a tray of plates and mugs which she sets on the
table. She shakes her head in annoyance at her daughter’s
eavesdropping.)
GWYNETH: (Sternly) See here, Penny! Come away!
I’ll not have snooping night and day!
PENELOPE: But if they have a son perchancey,
I could be the one he’ll fancy!
GWYNETH: Only if his family’s rich
Would I approve a speedy hitch.
PENELOPE: If chairs could talk and tables sing,
I’d say our neighbors got some bling!
GWYNETH: Really now? You’re not mistook?
PENELOPE: Wowy zow! Come take a look! (Intrigued,
GWYNETH rushes to the window to check it out herself.
ETHELBERT enters from Upstage Left door after a long day at
work. He carries an anvil. Neither one notices him.)
ETHELBERT: I’ve come in the door — why doesn’t that
count?
I’ve got to make noises in greater amount! (To get their
attention, he drops the anvil on the floor. It hits with a loud
clang but they’re still fixated on snooping.)
My goodness! My gracious!
What’s made you possessed?
PENELOPE: Come watch the new neighbors!
GWYNETH: They’ve got us obsessed!
PENELOPE: They’re dripping in riches …
GWYNETH: That looks like a throne …
PENELOPE: I’m guessing they’re royals …
GWYNETH: Let’s make ourselves known!
I’ll take them a pudding or bake them a tart …
PENELOPE: A casserole maybe?
GWYNETH: An excellent start!
We’ll soon be invited to parties galore.
We’ll be their best neighbors —
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PENELOPE: And maybe much more! (Giggling, the two of them
exit Stage Right. A confused ETHELBERT scratches his head
and watches them leave as the lights go down Stage Right. The
lights come up Stage Left. A peeved LADY MACBETH is
examining a spotty goblet at the dining room table and
reprimanding her teenage servant, BRIE.)
LADY MACBETH: One spot, two spot, three spot, four!
If I find more, you’re out the door! (Hands BRIE the
goblet.)
Take this back and clean it right
Or you shall have no gruel tonight!
BRIE: Of course. My bad. I should be flayed.
Next time I shall use Cascade. (BRIE takes the goblet,
curtsies, and exits Stage Left. A weary MACBETH enters
through the Upstage Right door.)
LADY MACBETH: I do loathe to say this. It’s such a cliché.
It is the Mid’Ages, though. How was your day?
MACBETH: I’ve just come from battle.
Well, more like a war.
I hath killed a man
Or two, three, or four.
I’m peppered with ghosts —
A trend I abhor!
I’m tired, it’s hot.
Let me get through the door.
LADY MACBETH: Don’t be so snippy and give me a break.
I’ll be in the kitchen. I’ve made you a steak. (She exits
Stage Left. MACBETH pulls out a chair to sit but is soon
confused by the sound of hysterical cackling coming from the
center aisle of the theatre. He peers into the darkness as a green
spotlight illuminates BYRTEL, MYRTEL, and GYRTEL, three
witches stirring a cauldron.)
BYRTEL: Eye of wombat, processed meat.
Cigarettes and NutraSweet.
MYRTEL: Full-fat cheese and possum’s knee.
BPA and MSG.
GYRTEL: Look at me, look! Opposable thumbs! (Looks toward
MACBETH.)
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Something henpecked this way comes.
MACBETH: Oh, you slay me. Oh, my side.
Explain thy visions, Chucky’s Bride. (SFX: A loud crack of
thunder. BYRTEL holds up a floating head. It’s a Yoda mask.)
BYRTEL: Macbeth, beware! The Jedi master.
MACBETH: Wrong story, you flerkus. What a disaster.
(MYRTEL holds up a Pinocchio doll.)
MYRTEL: No one will harm you who’s born from a thwuzz.
A thwuzz is a thwuzz if ever there was.
MACBETH: Don’t be so cryptic. Please be less dense.
I’m not a genius, but that makes no sense. (GYRTEL
holds up a Ken doll clutching some sticks.)
GYRTEL: Oh, the kingdoms you’ll rule.
You’ll see no defeat.
But do keep the forest
Away from your street! (LADY MACBETH returns carrying
a serving dish. She sees the witches and gives MACBETH the
evil eye.)
ALL WITCHES: Miff moff, hassel hoff! (SFX: A loud crack of
thunder. The green spotlight goes out and the witches exit.)
LADY MACBETH: I do not like those extra guests.
I do not like them. They are pests.
I do not like them in my home.
I do not like them when in Rome.
I do not have three extra steaks.
If you don’t like it, them’s the breaks.
MACBETH: I did not ask these witches here.
I can’t control them, they appear.
I think they haunt me. This I fear.
But here’s your answer: ‘Fine. Yes, dear.’ (The lights go
down on Stage Left. A spotlight comes up in the center aisle.
BRIE holds a laundry basket under her left arm and has just
encountered PENELOPE.)
PENELOPE: (Extends her hand.) Penelope. But call me
‘Penny.’
Four syllables is way too many.
BRIE: My name’s Brie. Yeah, like the cheese.
I’ve heard ’em all. No dumb jokes, please.
3

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