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Momma Mia<br />
Father Of The Bride<br />
Radio Wars<br />
FRASIER<br />
season seven part 1
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Café Nervosa. <strong>Frasier</strong> is waiting for his blind date<br />
Momma Mia<br />
FRASIER: This is exactly why I hate fix-ups, she's<br />
not coming.<br />
ROZ: Just give her a few more minutes. Come on, tell<br />
me about the cabin.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, all right. Mom and dad used to take us up<br />
there when we were kids. Niles and I thought it<br />
might be a nice birthday gift for dad if we took him<br />
up there again. Oh this is ridiculous! I'm being<br />
stood up on a blind date - I'm pathetic.<br />
ROZ: You are so insecure. God! Where does that come<br />
from? Jessica will be here.<br />
FRASIER: I thought you said her name was Jennifer.<br />
ROZ: Jennifer goes out with a weather man. She's<br />
way out of your league. Look, let me have your<br />
cell phone. I'll call her and see what's going on.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong> is entranced by a woman that has just walked in.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I'm sorry Roz, the most striking woman<br />
just came in. It's not Jessica. She's with a man. God,<br />
I don't know what it is about her. I can't take my<br />
eyes off of her. Do you suppose they're a couple?<br />
Tell you what, you have to go over there for me and<br />
find out. You owe me. Come on. All right, it's the<br />
table right by the counter. Go on.<br />
Roz gets up, and goes to a woman at another table.<br />
ROZ: Excuse me, I know this is a little weird. But my<br />
friend over there thinks you're really really cute.<br />
And he wants to know if you two are on a date.<br />
FRANCESCA: A date? Oh no, Hank and I are just friends.<br />
ROZ: Oh that's good news. That's really good news… Hi<br />
Hank. I'm Roz Doyle.<br />
The girl <strong>Frasier</strong> likes goes to the counter. <strong>Frasier</strong> gets up.<br />
FRASIER: Excuse me. I suppose you noticed I was<br />
staring at your table and I was just wondering if<br />
that gentleman you're with... is he your husband?<br />
page 2
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MIA: Would you like me to introduce you? He just<br />
broke up with someone.<br />
FRASIER: No... I was staring at you. Gosh, I know this<br />
may seem awfully bold of me, I'm not the sort of<br />
man who hits on every woman he sees.<br />
Francesca approaches <strong>Frasier</strong>.<br />
FRANCESCA: Excuse me, hi, you're friend said you<br />
wanted to know if I was single. It's okay, you don't<br />
have to be embarrassed.<br />
MIA: Yes, he does.<br />
FRASIER: There's been a little mistake. You see, I<br />
asked my friend to approach this lovely woman and<br />
she obviously mistook you for the woman I<br />
meant. Well, that's certainly understandable seeing<br />
as you're lovely as well. Well, it's just that at this<br />
moment, well.. Many apologies. (to Mia) Gosh, I'm<br />
sorry, let me start again. I'm <strong>Frasier</strong> Crane.<br />
Jessica arrives and hears this.<br />
JESSICA: Oh, you're <strong>Frasier</strong>. Hi, I'm Jessica - Roz's<br />
friend. Roz thought we might hit it off.<br />
FRASIER: Indeed we might have, you see, if not for<br />
the fact I just met this woman, to whom I'd be to<br />
glad to introduce you, except I don't know what her<br />
name is. You know, Roz can explain all this. She's<br />
sitting over there next to that scalding woman. (to<br />
Mia) Gosh, you know, you must think I'm some sort<br />
of a smooth operator.<br />
MIA: No, not really. I'm Mia. Mia Preston.<br />
FRASIER: The children's book author? Oh my<br />
goodness. "Panda in the Parlor". Oh, wow! I love that<br />
book, I've read it a hundred times.<br />
MIA: I'm impressed. Most of my readers can't even<br />
count that high.<br />
FRASIER: No, I used to read it to my son. You know,<br />
many is the quart of milk we've poured in the back<br />
yard waiting for the Orio Tree to grow. Gosh, you<br />
know I'd love to take you to lunch, sometime.<br />
Coffee? Anything. I'd just like a chance to get you<br />
know you better.<br />
page 3
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MIA: Well okay, you're certainly persistent.<br />
FRASIER: Well, as a wise woman once wrote, "No cookie<br />
jar is up too high for a panda who will try and try".<br />
MIA: Now you're scaring me.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong>'s Apt. Martin enters dressed in oversized rubber waders.<br />
DAPHNE: I see you're wearing your buffet pants.<br />
MARTIN: They're hip-waders. I'm breaking them in for<br />
the weekend. Where's Fras'?<br />
DAPHNE: He's probably off somewhere with that Mia.<br />
MARTIN: Oh yes, it seems to be getting serious, huh?<br />
You know, it's funny, you can always tell. He<br />
starts using French words for no reason.<br />
DAPHNE: Yeah, and that laugh, the giddy one.<br />
MARTIN: I'm nearly done packing. I just gotta get my<br />
fly mast and my tackle box and there's one more<br />
thing...<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well, we're taking off in a few hours so<br />
depeché toi!<br />
MARTIN: Oh yeah, earplugs for the car-ride up.<br />
NILES: Oh but dad, don't forget to pack some sturdy<br />
knee socks. I should get some for myself. You<br />
remember the insect situation at the cabin.<br />
FRASIER: Good Lord, Niles, not this bug phobia of<br />
yours.<br />
NILES: It's not a phobia. The mosquitoes up there are<br />
huge. My first summer I was chased off the end of<br />
the dock by one the size of a pelican!<br />
DAPHNE: So, Dr. Crane, when do we finally get to<br />
meet this new girlfriend of yours?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, Mia, she's on her way over right now<br />
actually, she's going to take me out to buy some<br />
new trousers, you see, this new diet she's got me<br />
on, I've lost my love handles. Just when I needed<br />
them most. Niles, you got those movies.<br />
DAPHNE: Movies?<br />
NILES: Shush. Yes, for dad's birthday we had some old<br />
home movies transferred to video tape.<br />
page 4
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Gosh, you know, I haven't seen these in<br />
years. You know, Daphne, it's going to be quite a<br />
hoot this weekend. Are you sure you don't want to<br />
join us?<br />
DAPHNE: Gutting fish, watching home movies and<br />
hosing down your father's pants. It does sound<br />
tempting!<br />
FRASIER: Hi, Mia. Come on in. So, what have you got<br />
there?<br />
MIA: Oh, I baked some fat free goodies for your trip.<br />
Oh, where's the kitchen?<br />
FRASIER: Right this way.<br />
MIA: There's a ton of muffins if anybody wants one.<br />
NILES: Oh, not for me, I have some problems with<br />
allergies.<br />
MIA: Really? Well these are just wheat germ, oat bran<br />
and carob.<br />
NILES: Oh well, throw in a sea scallop, you can phone<br />
the paramedics right now.<br />
Mia and <strong>Frasier</strong> exit to the kitchen.<br />
DAPHNE: She seems nice, doesn't she. You all right?<br />
NILES: I'm sorry, Daphne, it's just that Mia looks<br />
exactly like our mother.<br />
DAPHNE: Mrs. Crane? I've only seen photos mind but<br />
now that you mention it, there is a resemblance.<br />
NILES: It's not just a resemblance. She's the spitting<br />
image, I'm shocked <strong>Frasier</strong> didn't mention it.<br />
FRASIER: So, what do you think of her?<br />
NILES: Well she's wonderful, but <strong>Frasier</strong>... Does she<br />
remind you of anyone?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, you noticed that too?<br />
NILES: Are you kidding? The minute I laid eyes on<br />
her.<br />
DAPHNE: Even I can see it.<br />
FRASIER: Really? Well she does look a bit like Roz, but<br />
she's a totally different person. You know, in fact<br />
our relationship is unlike any I've ever had<br />
before.<br />
page 5
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
An old rustic cabin with a fireplace and a wooden floorboard.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, wow! Look at that. I don't believe it.<br />
Nothing's changed.<br />
NILES: (disappointed) Wow! I don't believe it! Look at this!<br />
Nothing's changed!<br />
MARTIN: It's character, Niles. Look at this fireplace.<br />
Your mum and I used to sit in front of the fire here<br />
holding hands. I wonder if that... (pulls up rug) Oh<br />
yeah! It's still here. That graffiti that you scratched<br />
into the floor.<br />
NILES: That's not graffiti, dad, that's a Latin pun.<br />
"Semper Ubi Sub Ubi"--"Always Where Under Where"<br />
(car horns are heard) That'll be <strong>Frasier</strong> and Mia.<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, I was really surprised he brought her<br />
here for the weekend. What's she like, anyway?<br />
NILES: She made quite an impression on me, I'm<br />
curious to see what you'll think. Dad. Would you<br />
hand me that valise, I want to put on some bug<br />
repellent.<br />
FRASIER: (calls outside) Honey, you stay out there as<br />
long as you like. (to Niles) She can't take her eyes<br />
off that sunset. Is everything all set here?<br />
NILES: Yes, I just want to make sure this VCR works<br />
for our little home movies, later. Check.<br />
FRASIER: Splendid. Niles, you know what, we're going<br />
to need some more logs from the wood pile. Come<br />
give me a hand.<br />
MARTIN: Fras', isn't it great to be back here? You know,<br />
I want to thank you guys, this is some gift.<br />
FRASIER: You're welcome dad. Listen, if you're<br />
enjoying this little trip down memory lane, wait<br />
until you see the other blast from the past we<br />
brought up here.<br />
MIA: Martin? Hi. It's Mia. Oh my gosh, <strong>Frasier</strong> did tell<br />
you I was coming, didn't he? It's so beautiful here. I<br />
feel like I'm in heaven.<br />
MARTIN: I'm starting to feel that way myself.<br />
page 6
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Well, nice going Niles! … Niles dropped a<br />
huge log right onto my hand when he was startled<br />
by a moth.<br />
NILES: It was not a moth, it was a bat. I could tell<br />
from that eerie high-pitched scream.<br />
FRASIER: That was you! Look, frankly, I wish you'd<br />
start seeing someone about this bug phobia of<br />
yours.<br />
NILES: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our<br />
natural predators. It's us versus them and frankly<br />
I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.<br />
FRASIER: It just amazes me that a good psychiatrist can<br />
be so blind to something so obvious.<br />
MIA: Oh honey, your poor thumb, we should put<br />
something on that.<br />
Mia leads <strong>Frasier</strong> to the kitchen.<br />
MARTIN: God, she looks just like your mother.<br />
NILES: I know and <strong>Frasier</strong> doesn't see it.<br />
MARTIN: You're kidding?<br />
NILES: No, and he has the gall to tell me I'm blind.<br />
He's clearly the one dealing with repressed<br />
material not to mention the obvious Oedipal<br />
issues.<br />
MARTIN: Argle, gargle, gooble, goop. … Now you know<br />
how it feels, what are you talking about?!<br />
NILES: I'm talking about Freud's theory of the "Oedipus<br />
Complex". He believed that every man<br />
subconsciously wants to sleep with his mother and<br />
kill his father. It's modeled on the Greek tragedy of<br />
"Oedipus" who actually did sleep with his mother<br />
and kill his father and when he realized what he'd<br />
done he gouged out both his eyes. The question is:<br />
How do we bring it to <strong>Frasier</strong>'s attention?<br />
MARTIN: We don't!<br />
NILES: Dad, denial of this magnitude is not healthy, it's<br />
for his own good. Okay, it's for my own good.<br />
Come on, after the way he wagged his finger at<br />
page 7
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
me, you can't expect I'm just going to keep quiet<br />
about this.<br />
MARTIN: Look, the last thing I want on my birthday<br />
weekend is some big long drawn out argument<br />
between you two, all right. Now let's chill this beer<br />
that we brought and put all these weird thoughts<br />
out of our minds.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, sorry. Come on, honey. Let's go see if our<br />
room still has that big creaky old pine bed that mom<br />
and dad used to sleep in. A-ha! Yes. There she is!<br />
MARTIN: Well, I guess a warm one wouldn't kill us.<br />
The Cabin. The four are sat around the dinner table.<br />
MARTIN: Boy, being in this place really takes me<br />
back. Remember that summer I tried to teach you<br />
boys how to fish? You just didn't have the knack so<br />
I went out and I bought these two big trout and<br />
snuck them on the boat.<br />
MIA: Oh, Marty, you're terrible!<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, and then I put the trout on their hooks<br />
and I dropped them over the side while you two<br />
were still arguing about the last Dramamine. I felt<br />
bad about fooling ya', but hell, what's the harm<br />
of a little fantasy if it makes you feel good.<br />
MIA: <strong>Frasier</strong>, you've hardly touched your chicken. Is<br />
something wrong?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, no, it's just that, well, I'm having a little<br />
trouble holding the knife because someone<br />
dropped a log on my thumb.<br />
NILES: Oh, it didn't hurt you that badly, you are such a<br />
baby.<br />
FRASIER: No, you are a baby, running and screaming<br />
because of a little moth.<br />
NILES: I told you it was a bat!<br />
MARTIN: All right boys, that's enough.<br />
MIA: Your father's right. Now <strong>Frasier</strong>, if your hand's<br />
hurting, I'll cut your meat for you.<br />
page 8
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Well, all right. You know Niles, not to dwell<br />
on this, but you know, I could give you the number<br />
of a man who specializes in bug phobias. And while<br />
you're at it, I think you should talk to him about<br />
your constant chair dusting, I believe that is<br />
related. Well, I'm sorry, dad, I think a good<br />
psychiatrist should be self-aware.<br />
NILES: So you're saying I lack self-awareness?<br />
MARTIN: Why don't we change the subject? All right,<br />
this is a great meal, Mia.<br />
NILES: It certainly was. <strong>Frasier</strong>, when it comes to<br />
girlfriends, you've certainly struck the MOTHERlode.<br />
FRASIER: You haven't even read her books yet, dad, it's<br />
a delightful series about an adventurous little<br />
panda.<br />
NILES: It sounds worthy of MOTHER Goose!<br />
MARTIN: So, what's coming up next week, Mia?<br />
MIA: I'll have to swear you to secrecy. It looks like<br />
that Panda might just find its way into the attic.<br />
NILES: Yes, MUM's the word.<br />
Martin "accidentally" knocks his wine over Niles.<br />
MARTIN: Sorry, Niles, would you maybe come into the<br />
kitchen and I'll just help you get dried off in there,<br />
all right?<br />
NILES: Yes, oh dear, it looks like these pants may have<br />
to be REPRESSED!<br />
MARTIN: What the hell's the matter with you?<br />
NILES: Oh, I'm sorry dad, you can't expect me to let<br />
him sit there in his booster seat and tell me I lack<br />
self-awareness.<br />
MARTIN: He'll pick up on what you're saying. Do you<br />
want the whole thing to blow up?<br />
NILES: Dad, this level of denial is unhealthy.<br />
MARTIN: We're not in denial! Everything's perfect.<br />
This is the best birthday I've ever had.<br />
Mia and <strong>Frasier</strong> enter. Mia bumps into Martin as she enters.<br />
MIA: I know it's early, but I'm exhausted.<br />
page 9
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: Oh Mia, you go, you hit the sack, thanks for<br />
dinner.<br />
FRASIER: I'll be along in a minute.<br />
NILES: <strong>Frasier</strong>, before you turn in, there's a little<br />
something we need to deal with.<br />
FRASIER: Oh right, dad, your birthday gift. Come on<br />
Niles. It's be fun. Seeing you and me, dad and mom.<br />
NILES: You know, I'm getting more excited by the<br />
second.<br />
MARTIN: Oh right, what is this? Some kind of movie?<br />
FRASIER: That's right. Here we go.<br />
Niles puts the video on.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, my old home movies. I haven't seen<br />
these for twenty years.<br />
FRASIER: Well, happy birthday, dad, now you can watch<br />
them whenever you like. (to Niles) Isn't it just the<br />
reaction you were hoping for?<br />
NILES: One of them.<br />
Hester Crane appears on the television.<br />
FRASIER: Oh dear God! Do you two see what I see? My<br />
God, they could be twins.<br />
MARTIN: Now <strong>Frasier</strong>, take it easy.<br />
FRASIER: You do see it?! How could you miss it? How<br />
could I miss it?<br />
MARTIN: Niles, just calm him down and I'll get him a<br />
drink of water.<br />
NILES: <strong>Frasier</strong>, the important thing is not to blow<br />
this out of proportion. After all... What was that?<br />
A hummingbird?!<br />
FRASIER: What is the matter with me?!<br />
NILES: <strong>Frasier</strong> you didn't do anything wrong, your<br />
feelings for Mia stem from perfectly natural<br />
Oedipal desires.<br />
FRASIER: Yes but Oedipal desires are supposed to<br />
resolve themselves by the age of six.<br />
page 10
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Cabin's Bedroom. Mia is on the bed wearing a dressing gown.<br />
FRASIER: Hello? You wanted to see me?<br />
MIA: I hope I wasn't rushing you.<br />
FRASIER: No, no, it is bedtime.<br />
MIA: Are you okay sweetie, you seem a little tense. It<br />
seems like you're in pain. Oh, it's your hand. Well,<br />
I know what the problem is there. I never kissed<br />
your little boo-boo. We don't want these other<br />
fingers to be jealous, do we? <strong>Frasier</strong>, honey, please.<br />
Tell me what's wrong, what's bothering you.<br />
FRASIER: I'm just having a little trouble getting<br />
comfortable.<br />
MIA: Well, was it something I did, something I said<br />
at dinner, what?<br />
FRASIER: Gosh, this is awkward. I just realized that you<br />
bear a striking resemblance to my mother.<br />
MIA: But you just noticed it now? Well, it can't be that<br />
strong a resemblance then, can it? (<strong>Frasier</strong> looks at<br />
her) That strong, huh? Well listen, I hope you can<br />
get over it, because I think we have a pretty great<br />
thing going here. We have loads in common, we<br />
get along great and don't you want to stick around<br />
long enough to see how that naughty Panda gets<br />
out of the attic?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I do, yes. You're right, just talking about<br />
this makes me feel much better. Oh, God, you're not<br />
my mother, this is ridiculous.<br />
The Cabin. The same night a taxi horn sounds.<br />
FRASIER: Oh well, there's your cab.<br />
MIA: Take care of yourself.<br />
MARTIN: I take it that cab was for Mia.<br />
FRASIER: Yeah, I tried to get past it but I just couldn't. I<br />
won't be getting much sleep tonight.<br />
MARTIN: Well, I'm up too.<br />
NILES: I won't be getting a wink of sleep either the<br />
way those crickets are raging.<br />
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frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: Niles, why don't you get us all a nice big<br />
brandy? Now, don't make too much of this, <strong>Frasier</strong>.<br />
So you picked a woman who looked like your<br />
mother, so what.<br />
FRASIER: Like her would have been fine dad, we're<br />
not talking about a similar hairdo or the same<br />
crooked smile, I was dating a replica.<br />
MARTIN: Now <strong>Frasier</strong>, I know you're going to go crazy<br />
convincing yourself that you've got some big<br />
complex, but couldn't it be simpler than that?<br />
Maybe you just miss your mother, I know I do.<br />
FRASIER: I do think about her a lot.<br />
NILES: We all do.<br />
MARTIN: Hey, I think we've talked about all this enough<br />
for one night. So, it's still my birthday. I want to<br />
watch the rest of my movies.<br />
The first scene is of Niles and <strong>Frasier</strong> fighting.<br />
NILES: Well, there certainly are a lot of us fighting.<br />
FRASIER: You know, dad, I wish there were more<br />
shots with you in it.<br />
MARTIN: No, no, no, I liked being the cameraman. I<br />
got to focus on the things I liked.<br />
page 12
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Father Of The Bride<br />
Café Nervosa. <strong>Frasier</strong> is flicking through some magazines.<br />
FRASIER: I'm trying to find the perfect wedding gift for<br />
Daphne and Donny.<br />
ROZ: Oh right. Well, I guess now that they've set a<br />
date, I'll be getting my bridesmaid draft notice.<br />
FRASIER: You know Roz, she might not even ask you.<br />
ROZ: Oh, she'll ask me. They all do. The next thing I<br />
know I'm wearing some revolting puffy sleeved<br />
dress made from the same material that keeps the<br />
space shuttle from burning up on re-entry.<br />
FRASIER: You know, Roz, Daphne might just surprise<br />
you and pick a dress you like.<br />
ROZ: Oh, impossible. They're always ugly; that's why<br />
the bride makes sure she's the prettiest one at the<br />
wedding.<br />
FRASIER: That's awfully cynical.<br />
ROZ: Oh yeah, when was the last time you found<br />
yourself staring at the bridesmaid instead of the<br />
bride?<br />
FRASIER: That would have been at my wedding to<br />
Lilith.<br />
NILES: Hello <strong>Frasier</strong>. <strong>Frasier</strong>, do you remember the<br />
time the Kreasle brothers tied me to their great<br />
dame and lobbed meatballs down their gravel<br />
driveway?<br />
FRASIER: I told you Niles, I would have helped you,<br />
but their sister was holding me down.<br />
NILES: No, my point is... even that experience was<br />
less painful then the date I was just on. She was... a<br />
cat person. She brought her cat on our date. Well,<br />
she had good reason, it was Mr. Waggles' birthday.<br />
Actually his birthday party. Actually, his surprise<br />
birthday party.<br />
FRASIER: I'm sorry, where on earth did you meet this<br />
woman?<br />
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frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: At "Nordstroms". We both reached for the same<br />
cashmere throw and she said she needed something<br />
to keep her waggles warm. I thought it was a coy<br />
euphemism.<br />
FRASIER: Well, Niles, I certainly understand you being<br />
upset but you know, you've got to keep on looking.<br />
NILES: Well, trust me, with Daphne getting married,<br />
I have no choice but to press on. But I'm going to<br />
change my strategy. Do you recall, the other day at<br />
the health club, Tony Hubner gave me that phone<br />
number?<br />
FRASIER: Dear God, Niles, not a dating service?<br />
NILES: No, it's not a dating service. An "Introduction<br />
Network" for busy professionals. I've given them my<br />
vital statistics, there's an extensive screening<br />
process, they bill me at the end of the month.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, please. They are all money-grabbing<br />
con-artists who prey on the pathetic and the<br />
lonely. God sakes, you sign up with visions of some<br />
PhD, and what do they deliver? A buck toothed<br />
librarian who needs help washing her mother! Are<br />
you really that desperate?<br />
NILES: Half an hour ago, I had my back leg tethered to<br />
Mr. Waggles' fore paw and we came in third in the<br />
five legged race.<br />
FRASIER: You would think they'd let him win on his<br />
birthday.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong>'s Apt. As <strong>Frasier</strong> enters he hears Daphne on the phone.<br />
DAPHNE: I know, mum, but it is my wedding. I've<br />
given into you on so many things. Couldn't this<br />
one thing go my way? … I just don't like those tiny<br />
corns in my salad. … No, I don't hate you. … Well,<br />
that's just not true. I'm glad you're alive. … All right,<br />
tiny corn it is. I've got to run now, cheery bye. That<br />
was mum, she had a thought about the salad.<br />
FRASIER: Something tells me yesterday's crouton<br />
skirmish wasn't the end of it.<br />
page 14
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
DAPHNE: I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as<br />
she often points out, she is paying for the wedding<br />
and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me<br />
was so painful she did bite through a kitchen<br />
spoon.<br />
FRASIER: Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you<br />
into having the wedding she wants instead of the<br />
wedding you want.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, don't worry, mum already promised me I<br />
could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a<br />
daughter who gets engaged.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, Fras'. You'll love this stuff I got from the<br />
farmer's market. This guy takes the juiciest cut of<br />
filet mignon. Slices it real thin and makes jerky out<br />
of it.<br />
FRASIER: Look, dad I don't... (Martin throws it into his<br />
mouth) Yes, if only I had a nice "powdered Cabonet"<br />
to go with it. Listen, have you given any thought<br />
to Daphne's wedding present?<br />
MARTIN: Now <strong>Frasier</strong>, not everyone likes jerky as much<br />
as you and me.<br />
FRASIER: No, I just want to get her something special,<br />
especially since her mother seems to be taking all<br />
the joy out of it for her.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, well, how about a nice piece of luggage?<br />
You know, a good hard suitcase, like the kind people<br />
used to put stickers on to show everybody where<br />
they've been. Remember your grandad's, his<br />
whole life was on it: Topica, Sioux Falls, Bill Loxy, it<br />
was like a map of the world.<br />
FRASIER: What a loss to us all that he failed to write<br />
his memoirs. I'm thinking of something that would<br />
matter to Daphne. (hiccups) Something that shows<br />
her how we feel. (hiccups) Good Lord, that's a little<br />
spicy, isn't it? You know, maybe we should get<br />
something for her wedding.<br />
MARTIN: Like what?<br />
FRASIER: Well, I don't know, we could offer to pay for<br />
her wedding flowers.<br />
page 15
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: That's a bit pricey isn't it?<br />
FRASIER: Well don't worry about it dad. You just donate<br />
what you can and I'll pay for the rest. (hiccups) God,<br />
what was in that jerky?<br />
MARTIN: Well you just ate it too fast, next time you<br />
have to savor it a little.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, I'm never going to taste that vile stuff<br />
again. (hiccups) Oh, spoke too soon. Daphne, may I<br />
have a word with you please?<br />
DAPHNE: What is it, Dr. Crane.<br />
FRASIER: Well, it's about you wedding gift. Now, I<br />
know it's not traditionally the role of a friend but we<br />
consider you family, so please don't say no. Dad<br />
and I would be honored to pay for your wedding...<br />
(hiccups)<br />
DAPHNE: Pay for my wedding? How wonderful! I could<br />
never imagine.<br />
MARTIN: What's all the hub-bub?<br />
DAPHNE: Dr. Crane just told me about your incredible<br />
wedding present. You people are heaven sent.<br />
MARTIN: Well, I'm glad you like it. You know what,<br />
we're going to throw in a piece of luggage as well.<br />
DAPHNE: I'm just so overwhelmed.<br />
MARTIN: See, I told you, everybody loves luggage.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, she thinks we're paying for her whole<br />
wedding. I tried to say wedding flowers, but then I<br />
hiccupped.<br />
MARTIN: Well I'm not paying for her wedding.<br />
FRASIER: Of course not, I'm just going to clear this<br />
whole thing up right now before it goes any<br />
further. Daphne…<br />
DAPHNE: You know what this means, don't you? Now<br />
that mum's not paying, she can't make me have it<br />
in England. I can have my wedding how I want it,<br />
where I want it: right here. You've answered my<br />
prayers. Could someone let Donny in?<br />
MARTIN: Well look, Donny's a very traditional guy. He's<br />
not going to let us pay for his wedding.<br />
page 16
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Right, you saw how he proposed to her; on<br />
bended knee. He's nothing but a hopeless<br />
romantic.<br />
DONNY: Any idiot knows you've got to pay a hooker in<br />
cash! I'm at a meeting, I'll call you later, bye. I've<br />
got this client, he's in the middle of a divorce, right,<br />
and his wife finds all these charges from this place<br />
called "Executive Match". It turns out to be a call<br />
girl service. When she gets through with him she'll<br />
have his house, his car, she'd have his beach house<br />
too if I hadn't already taken it. Women! Hi honey.<br />
DAPHNE: Hi sweety. Have they told you yet?<br />
DONNY: Told me what?<br />
DAPHNE: You're not going to believe this but Dr. Crane<br />
and his father has offered to pay for our entire<br />
wedding.<br />
DONNY: Is this a joke?<br />
FRASIER: It could be.<br />
DONNY: I mean, it's one thing for us to let your<br />
family pay, they're your parents, it's traditional. But<br />
this is...<br />
FRASIER: Going too far? Being presumptuous?<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, we don't want to step on any toes.<br />
DAPHNE: I didn't think you'd be uncomfortable with<br />
this.<br />
FRASIER: Well, he clearly is, Daphne.<br />
MARTIN: Donny's right! We're not family.<br />
DONNY: Wait, what am I doing? You guys, you're<br />
making this lovely gesture and I'm just insulting<br />
you. I mean if you guys are not family to Daphne,<br />
then who is? Of course you can pay for the wedding.<br />
Thank you.<br />
DAPHNE: I just knew he'd see how much this meant to<br />
you. I'm tearing up again.<br />
DONNY: No, don't start with the water works because<br />
you're going to get me going. What's this? Jerky?<br />
Can I have some of that?<br />
MARTIN: Help yourself.<br />
page 17
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
DONNY: Made from filet mignon. How much did this<br />
stuff set you back?<br />
FRASIER: You have no idea!<br />
Café Nervosa. Daphne's going through her plans for the wedding.<br />
DAPHNE: Now, as far as the reception goes, I've<br />
narrowed it down to two places. I'm leaning<br />
towards "Captain Jonah's". The view of the water's<br />
lovely. But you have to walk through a whale's<br />
mouth to get inside.<br />
FRASIER: I hesitate to ask how you exit.<br />
DAPHNE: I've got to run. I have a meeting with the DJ.<br />
ROZ: I thought she'd never leave!<br />
FRASIER: Good God, how long have you been there?<br />
ROZ: Since you two walked in and trapped me.<br />
FRASIER: Aren't you taking this a bit too far just<br />
trying to avoid an unflattering dress?<br />
ROZ: Yeah, I thought you'd say that. That's why I've<br />
been carrying around this picture of the last time<br />
I was a bridesmaid.<br />
FRASIER: Good Lord, Roz, you look like you've been<br />
tented for termites.<br />
ROZ: Well, it sounds like she's having fun planning<br />
her wedding.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, well now that she can have things her<br />
way and not her mother's.<br />
ROZ: She's lucky you came along.<br />
FRASIER: Well, yes and no. You know, I sit here and let<br />
her make questionable choices and I say nothing<br />
because I know it's going to cost me less. I'm sorry,<br />
I've got to change my thinking about this whole<br />
thing. What good is my money, if I'm denying her<br />
the best gift I have to offer. My taste and expertise.<br />
Frankly, what Daphne really deserves is the gift of<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong>.<br />
ROZ: Suddenly that crock-pot I'm giving them doesn't<br />
sound so bad.<br />
page 18
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Oh shut up! Hello Niles. You look like a man<br />
who's been waiting to be asked why he's<br />
grinning.<br />
NILES: Oh, I was just thinking about the other day<br />
when you said how you thought dating services<br />
were all a big con. Well, I just got conned into<br />
meeting the most enchanting woman.<br />
FRASIER: I don't know what to say.<br />
NILES: And I owe it all to "Executive Match".<br />
FRASIER: Now I do. The name of this service is<br />
"Executive Match".<br />
NILES: And you thought these women all beneath me.<br />
FRASIER: Beneath you and countless others. Niles, do<br />
you have any idea...<br />
Sabrina walks in. She looks like the average ditzy blonde.<br />
NILES: She's always on the phone. Whatever it is she<br />
does for a living, she's in great demand.<br />
FRASIER: So you have no idea what line of work<br />
Sabrina's in.<br />
NILES: I'm guessing high-priced lawyer. I heard her<br />
quote her hourly rate on the phone. Believe me,<br />
you don't want to be on the receiving end of that<br />
bill.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, I feel I must warn you...<br />
NILES: Oh please, spare me your condescending<br />
advice. Why can't you simply say you were wrong?<br />
You could learn a thing or two from me, mister<br />
one date and it's over. I am taking it slow with<br />
Sabrina.<br />
FRASIER: You mean, you haven't…?<br />
NILES: Oh please! Are you mad, you don't proposition<br />
a woman like that on the first date. Last night, I<br />
dropped her home after dinner with nothing more<br />
than a courtly kiss on the wrist. Tonight may<br />
proceed to hand-holding. If all goes well, in two<br />
weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood. …<br />
Sabrina. This is <strong>Frasier</strong>.<br />
page 19
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
SABRINA: Nice to meet you. You really have a great<br />
brother. He's charming and witty and intelligent<br />
and handsome.<br />
NILES: I paid her to say that.<br />
FRASIER: Of course you did!<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong>'s Apartment. The room is full of things for the wedding.<br />
FRASIER: Finally, the doves have arrived. Lathbert,<br />
thank you so much for coming, lovely flowers, I'll<br />
let you know.<br />
DAPHNE: Was that the florist for my wedding?<br />
FRASIER: In his dreams! God, the man's arrangement<br />
are one big cliché. Look at this, his answers to<br />
everything is baby's breath, baby's breath, baby's<br />
breath.<br />
DAPHNE: Does that woman with the harp have<br />
something to do with my wedding too?<br />
FRASIER: No, Daphne, she's selling them door to door.<br />
Of course it's for your wedding. She's auditioning.<br />
DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, I really don't think...<br />
MARTIN: Oh good, Daphne, you're here too. Listen, I<br />
want to show you guys a little something I<br />
thought up for the wedding. (acting as a minister) It is<br />
now the time in the ceremony for the rings. May I<br />
have them please. (Eddie runs in with a little basket<br />
containing two rings) Of course, it's a lot more<br />
effective when he's in his little tux.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, please, it's all just a bit much, isn't it? We<br />
don't want to turn this wedding into a circus.<br />
Now, the dove man.<br />
DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, about the doves...<br />
FRASIER: Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they<br />
something? As you and Donny exit the church one<br />
dozen white birds of peace will be released and<br />
circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen actually -<br />
the power lines always take out a few.<br />
DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, about the doves, well it just seems<br />
a little grand. I mean, what's wrong with throwing<br />
a bit of rice.<br />
page 20
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Well, if you want rice, of course, you'll have<br />
rice. Sometimes it seems nothing I do is good<br />
enough.<br />
DAPHNE: No, no, no, I suppose doves will be fine.<br />
MARTIN: <strong>Frasier</strong>, is that reverend Franklin in the<br />
kitchen? You're auditioning our minister for the<br />
wedding?<br />
DAPHNE: Don't you think Donny and I should have a<br />
say in who marries us?<br />
FRASIER: Of course, Daphne, I'm just whittling down<br />
the possibilities. The final choice is yours.<br />
CHEF MARCO: Who's tasting the first course?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, that would be me.<br />
DAPHNE: Who's that? I was planning on serving a<br />
buffet. That way people can mingle, it's more<br />
festive.<br />
FRASIER: We are talking about your wedding, not<br />
brunch with all the fixings at "Billy Bob's Blackjack<br />
Boomtown".<br />
NILES: Hello, <strong>Frasier</strong>, you remember Sabrina. We're<br />
out for an afternoon of bird watching, it's start of<br />
mating season. Just wanted to introduce my new<br />
girlfriend to dad. Dad, this is Sabrina.<br />
SABRINA: Nice to meet you. I should really call my<br />
office, about how long do you think we'll be gone?<br />
NILES: About eight hours.<br />
ROZ: Oh, Daphne, I didn't know you were going to be<br />
here. I just want to drop these off for <strong>Frasier</strong>.<br />
DAPHNE: Roz, I'm glad you dropped by, I need to talk<br />
to you about my wedding. Do you mind if we<br />
speak in the hallway?<br />
ROZ: Actually I don't have much time.<br />
DAPHNE: Well, then I'll get right to it.<br />
DELIVERY: Excuse me, do you know where Dr. Crane<br />
lives?<br />
DAPHNE: Right here, can I help you?<br />
page 21
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
DELIVERY: I'm dropping off this bridesmaid dress.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, I'll take that. I'm the bride.<br />
Roz examines the dress and is hardly listening to Daphne.<br />
DAPHNE: What I need to ask you is how do you ever<br />
get Dr. Crane to listen to you... He's driving me<br />
mad. He doesn't listen to anything I say...<br />
ROZ: The woman you ask to be bridesmaid gets to<br />
wear this...<br />
DAPHNE: And the worst part is...<br />
ROZ: Is that silk?<br />
DAPHNE: Well he's just like my mother, controlling<br />
and stubborn. I mean, what am I going to do?<br />
ROZ: Well, Daphne, it's your wedding. Just tell <strong>Frasier</strong><br />
how you feel.<br />
DAPHNE: Yeah, well that's a bit difficult for me. You<br />
see, there was no talking to my mother. Anytime<br />
I sort of tried all I hear is "Just do it my way, you'll<br />
thank me later". Every time she said that I just<br />
wanted to explode.<br />
ROZ: Look, <strong>Frasier</strong>'s a reasonable guy. Just go in there<br />
and be direct.<br />
DAPHNE: You're right, I'm going to and… I was going<br />
to ask you if you wanted to be one of my<br />
bridesmaids?<br />
ROZ: Oh my God, are you serious? This is coming<br />
out of nowhere. I'd love to.<br />
DAPHNE: Don't worry. Once I'm in charge you won't<br />
have to wear this thing Dr. Crane picked out. I<br />
mean, he calls this a bridesmaid dress. The sleeves<br />
aren't even puffy.<br />
MARTIN: So, how long have you guys been seeing<br />
each other?<br />
SABRINA: Let's see. Since we met it's been about<br />
seventeen, no, eighteen hours.<br />
NILES: She actually counts the minutes we've been<br />
together.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, may I see you in the kitchen?<br />
page 22
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, I need to talk to you.<br />
FRASIER: Not now, Daphne.<br />
NILES: All right, what is it?<br />
FRASIER: Niles, it's about Sabrina. She's a prostitute.<br />
NILES: <strong>Frasier</strong>, I don't like lawyers any more than<br />
you do, but frankly a man whose face is plastered<br />
on every bus in town should be careful what terms<br />
he bandies about.<br />
FRASIER: Niles! "Executive Match" is an escort service.<br />
One of Donny's clients was caught using them.<br />
NILES: I don't believe you.<br />
FRASIER: Niles, does Sabrina laugh at everything you<br />
say, is she fascinated by everything about you, even<br />
your collections?<br />
NILES: Well yes. Actually, I even showed her my<br />
rarely seen collection of eighteenth century<br />
Portuguese bud faces.<br />
FRASIER: And how did she react?<br />
NILES: Well, if you must know, she was rather aroused.<br />
She said she loved a man who collected porcelain<br />
and… Oh my God! I'm dating a whore! They have<br />
my credit card number, I've been running up a<br />
tab! I've got to get her out of here! Sabrina, we<br />
should be going.<br />
MARTIN: What's the hurry? We're having a nice<br />
conversation.<br />
FRASIER: Did I mention he used to be a police officer?<br />
SABRINA: Maybe we should go.<br />
FRANKLIN: Surely you can stay a little while, I haven't<br />
seen Niles in ages. (to Sabrina) You know, I used to<br />
teach him in Sunday school.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, you know Reverend, I can still remember<br />
dropping him off for his first class. It seems like<br />
only yesterday.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, Daphne, I believe I have chosen your<br />
bouquet. It's hand-woven out of pygmy orchids.<br />
DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, I really need to talk to you.<br />
page 23
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Well, of course, Daphne. First let's sample the<br />
Porchini mushroom. They're exquisite.<br />
DAPHNE: But I don't like mushrooms!<br />
FRASIER: You only think you don't, you haven't tried<br />
these. Try this for me, you'll thank me later.<br />
DAPHNE: You'll thank me later?! I've heard that my<br />
whole life, well, no more! I'm doing my wedding my<br />
way. And if that means I want rice instead of dove<br />
and a DJ instead of a harp, then that's what I'll<br />
have. I don't want your advice, I don't want your<br />
money and I don't want your mushrooms. I'm in<br />
charge of this wedding now. And what kind of a<br />
git walks down the aisle carrying something of<br />
pygmy orchids!<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong>'s Apartment. Later that day.<br />
FRASIER: She's fine. We had a nice talk.<br />
MARTIN: Well that's good. Wedding still on track?<br />
FRASIER: Absolutely.<br />
MARTIN: You just got a little carried away, that's all.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I guess so, yeah. You know, it suddenly<br />
occurred to me when I was talking to Daphne that I<br />
never really got the wedding of my dreams either.<br />
Oh sure, you know, my first one was a little<br />
clandestine, we dashed off at the city hall. I could<br />
have hardly imagined a wedding more lacking in<br />
ceremony until my second wedding, which was<br />
lacking a bride. Then came Lilith, if I knew then<br />
what I know now, I would have walked down the<br />
aisle with the ice sculpture and had her stand by<br />
the buffet table to keep the shrimp cold.<br />
MARTIN: Oh, so you've had a few bad weddings.<br />
FRASIER: I guess I was just taking my last best shot at<br />
the wedding I shall never have for myself. Let's face<br />
it, dad: I'm no spring chicken. Do you really see<br />
me getting married again?<br />
MARTIN: Well, I guess if Niles can meet a great gal like<br />
Sabrina, then there's hope for all of us.<br />
page 24
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Radio Wars<br />
It is quarter past six in the morning. The phone rings.<br />
CARLOS: Dr. Crane? Dr. Kaufmann of the national<br />
psychotherapy institute. Oh my gosh, it's six fifteen<br />
in the morning, your time. I hope I didn't wake you.<br />
FRASIER: No, I was up. Where did you say you were<br />
calling from?<br />
CARLOS: The national psychotherapy institute In Saddle<br />
River, New Jersey.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong> is actually receiving a prank call from KACL's new<br />
team "Carlos And The Chicken".<br />
FRASIER: Oh yes of course. What can I do for you?<br />
CARLOS: Oh, for Pete's sake. No-one called you? You<br />
won our radio therapist of the year award.<br />
Congratulations.<br />
FRASIER: Well, thank you. Of course, the work itself is<br />
honor enough.<br />
CARLOS: Thank you! And I'm sorry about the mix-up.<br />
The problem is we're going to need some pictures of<br />
you so we can get started on the statue… For our<br />
hall of thinkers. (aside) Ange, he never got the<br />
packet!<br />
FRASIER: Is there anything I can do?<br />
CARLOS: Well, it's a little late now, but maybe if you<br />
describe your body we could get started on the<br />
preliminary carving. The sculptor's right here.<br />
Fortunately we got the Gustov Brumhalt.<br />
FRASIER: Oh my.<br />
CHICKEN: Dr. Crane, please, ja?<br />
FRASIER: Yes, this is Dr. Crane speaking. Herr<br />
Brumhalt, may I say, it's quite an honor.<br />
CHICKEN: Ja, Ja, Ja. We have your face, very handsome,<br />
but I need you to describe your body.<br />
FRASIER: Yes of course. Six foot one, medium build,<br />
broad shoulders, sublimely proportioned.<br />
page 25
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
CHICKEN: Ja, das ist gut, Ja. But before I order my<br />
marble I need you to describe your, how do I say<br />
this, where you sit? Ja?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, my posterior, yeah well, that's a little<br />
sensitive, isn't it?<br />
CHICKEN: Oh, you don't want to tell me, I understand,<br />
it's a big one. Ange, order the big marble, please.<br />
FRASIER: Please put Dr. Kaufmann back on.<br />
CHICKEN: No, I have a better idea. Why don't you send<br />
us a picture of your... hindquarters and send it into<br />
KACL's new morning team "The Carlos And The<br />
Chicken"! Squawk, squawk.<br />
Daphne enters from her room.<br />
FRASIER: Morning! You won't believe what just<br />
happened to me! I was the victim of a radio prank.<br />
DAPHNE: Oh, how terrible.<br />
FRASIER: Yes, it's a sad day when getting a man to<br />
describe his own behind passes as humor. You<br />
heard the whole thing, didn't you!<br />
DAPHNE: Ja! I'm sorry Dr. Crane, but they can be<br />
funny.<br />
FRASIER: Oh that's all right, Daphne. "Carlos and the<br />
Chicken" are the sort of performers who keep<br />
popping up on the radio these days. So called<br />
humorists who rely on cruel pranks and scatological<br />
references. Well, I suppose that's the sort of thing<br />
that passes for entertainment these days. You<br />
know, perhaps it's just a generational thing.<br />
MARTIN: They got you good! The chicken was on fire,<br />
what a great bit. <strong>Frasier</strong>, can you get me a tape of<br />
the show?<br />
FRASIER: What on earth for?<br />
MARTIN: How often do you get to hear your son on the<br />
radio?!<br />
FRASIER: I'm on the radio every day!<br />
page 26
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
Café Nervosa. <strong>Frasier</strong> meets Roz at a table.<br />
FRASIER: Hello Roz, I suppose you heard about my<br />
unscheduled appearance on KACL's new morning<br />
show.<br />
ROZ: No, what happened?<br />
FRASIER: Well, the less said about it the better.<br />
ROZ: Come on <strong>Frasier</strong>, why don't you pull up a couple<br />
of chairs and tell me about it?<br />
FRASIER: Was everyone in Seattle listening at six in the<br />
morning?<br />
ROZ: They did it at six. I heard the replay at eight.<br />
WAITRESS: I heard it at nine fifteen.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I thought the entire thing was rude and<br />
childish.<br />
ROZ: Well, you're just mad because you fell for it.<br />
Come on, <strong>Frasier</strong>, "Hall of Thinkers"?<br />
FRASIER: Well, it's not such a bad idea. In a society<br />
where we glorify our athletes and rock musicians, I<br />
thought maybe we should... Well, it was early.<br />
ROZ: Hey, that's them over there with Kenny. Wow!<br />
The chicken's a lot cuter than he is on his billboard.<br />
FRASIER: Do you know, I think I might just go over<br />
there and introduce myself.<br />
ROZ: I don't know what you're thinking but don't.<br />
FRASIER: I'm just going to go over there and let them<br />
know that what they did today was completely<br />
unacceptable.<br />
ROZ: <strong>Frasier</strong>, I know guys like this. Once they know<br />
they can rattle you, they never stop. Just take your<br />
lungs and laugh it off.<br />
FRASIER: I'm perfectly capable of laughing it off, I<br />
just want to let them know that I don't appreciate<br />
being made the punch-line at my own station. I'm<br />
going to go over there and tell them from now on, I<br />
don't want to be part of their shenanigans.<br />
ROZ: Oh God, please don't say shenanigans!<br />
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frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
FRASIER: Hello Kenny. I believe introductions are in<br />
order.<br />
KENNY: Oh, right, this is The Chicken and Carlos.<br />
CARLOS: We're actually called "Carlos and the<br />
Chicken".<br />
FRASIER: Yes well, nice to meet you boys. About this<br />
morning...<br />
KENNY: Wo, Wo, Wo, I don't want to see any feathers<br />
flying here. Just kidding.<br />
CARLOS: Dr. Crane, I hope we didn't go too far. We<br />
love your show.<br />
FRASIER: Really, you're listeners?<br />
CARLOS: Oh, yeah we're big fans and you know the last<br />
thing we want to do is step on your toes.<br />
FRASIER: Well you know, you do tread a fine line with<br />
your style of comedy but, perhaps you can be<br />
excused for stomping on it rather exuberantly on<br />
your first day. Just keep in mind in the future<br />
that this station does have a certain pecking order.<br />
(laughs)<br />
CARLOS: We totally get it, Dr. Crane, it felt wrong<br />
when we did it.<br />
CHICKEN: We sure did, you're not upset or anything?<br />
FRASIER: Oh no. No harm, no foul.<br />
CHICKEN: It's great meeting you, Dr. Crane.<br />
FRASIER: Likewise, boys. Hey, call me <strong>Frasier</strong>, but<br />
don't call me at home.<br />
ROZ: Is it over? I couldn't look.<br />
FRASIER: God sakes Roz, have a little faith in me,<br />
after all I do reason with people for a living. It's<br />
all settled. You know, they're good kids really, quite<br />
sensible actually.<br />
ROZ: Yeah, if you go for beer-belching frat boy<br />
types, which I do, was the chicken wearing a<br />
wedding ring?<br />
FRASIER: You know, I really did over-react this<br />
morning. After all, it was kinda cute, I suppose.<br />
page 28
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
(laughs) "Hall of Thinkers". Never let it be said that<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong> Crane is the kind of man who is incapable of<br />
laughing at himself.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong>'s Apartment. Martin is on the phone to his friend.<br />
MARTIN: No kidding. He's flying you to Las Vegas for<br />
the fight? That's a great son you've got there,<br />
Duke.<br />
NILES: <strong>Frasier</strong>, I thought you might like to join me. I'm<br />
going down to Abigail's to have my crepe pans<br />
reseasoned.<br />
FRASIER: Gosh, I'd love to Niles, but I've just drawn a<br />
nice herbal bath.<br />
MARTIN: No, it's Daphne, she's watching PBS. Okay, I'll<br />
talk to you later, Duke. Does the whole world have<br />
to know what goes on in this house?<br />
FRASIER: Help yourself to some coffee, Niles.<br />
DAPHNE: Dr. Crane, how do you know it's time to have<br />
your crepe pans reseasoned, anyway?<br />
NILES: It can be confusing. But this may help;<br />
"Saucepans in summer, crepe pans in fall, when<br />
winter's upon us, there's food for us all."<br />
The phone sounds.<br />
MARTIN: Whoever it is, I'm not home, I'm not here!<br />
CHICKEN: (with accent) Is Dr. Crane there?<br />
NILES: No, actually he's taking a bath.<br />
CHICKEN: Who's this?<br />
NILES: This is his brother, Niles.<br />
CHICKEN: Okay, well this is the building<br />
superintendent. I'm in the bathroom just below<br />
his and I think the pipes are getting corroded. Is<br />
your brother putting anything unusual in his bath?<br />
NILES: I'm not exactly sure what he puts in. Better let<br />
me ask him.<br />
MARTIN: I smell a bit.<br />
DAPHNE: Put the radio on.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong> is enjoying his bath singing "I'm in the Mood for Love".<br />
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frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: <strong>Frasier</strong>, what do you put in your bath water? …<br />
It's your super. There's something corroding the<br />
pipes in the unit below you, he thinks it may be<br />
something in your tub.<br />
FRASIER: (to phone) Hello, yes, I'm sure it's not my fault<br />
but if you insist, I use... jasmin, lavender, rose hips<br />
and a little Tehesian Vanilla.<br />
CHICKEN: It sounds okay. Boy, with a bath like that I<br />
bet the ladies sure go for you though, huh?<br />
FRASIER: Yes well, love does enter through the nose.<br />
CHICKEN: Hey, you know, the neighbors down here<br />
have been complaining about a little sound bleedthrough.<br />
I think we got a bad tile, I sure would like<br />
to check it. I heard you sing into the phone<br />
earlier, you think you could do it again.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong> begins singing "I'm in the Mood for Love" again.<br />
CHICKEN: Yeah, that's great. I definitely heard some<br />
bleed through. You know, I could isolate the tile if<br />
you could just walk around a little bit, or maybe<br />
you know, if you could stomp around, that would<br />
be great. But if it's too much trouble I could send<br />
my assistant, Jimmy, up to stomp around.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, no, please. You just leave Jimmy where<br />
he is. I certainly don't need an audience while I'm<br />
singing in the bath tub.<br />
CHICKEN: I really appreciate this, we'll get it all<br />
cleared up in a jiffy. Thanks a lot, Dr. Crane.<br />
FRASIER: Just wait a second and I'll tell you when I'm<br />
ready. (gets out of the bath) I'm ready. Here goes.<br />
CHICKEN: Oh my God! The whole ceiling's falling down.<br />
FRASIER: Oh good Lord. Niles, be careful, the whole<br />
ceiling is caving in.<br />
CHICKEN: Hey listen, I think we found out what the<br />
problem is. It's that humungous ass of yours!<br />
CARLOS: Listeners, "Carlos and the Chicken" are<br />
offering one thousand pounds for the best picture of<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong> Crane's humungous ass for our website.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, dear God.<br />
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frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
NILES: Now, now, it won't get you down for long.<br />
You've always had a thick skin. Unless that<br />
Tehesian Vanilla softened you up a bit.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong>'s Apt. <strong>Frasier</strong> bursts in. A camera flashes outside.<br />
FRASIER: Leave me alone! For God's sake, have some<br />
respect.<br />
MARTIN: Was that Mrs. Curdsmen?<br />
FRASIER: She dropped her medication in the hallway,<br />
as I stooped to pick it up. Out came her camera like<br />
an assassin's blade. Well, if she wants to control<br />
those blood clots, she'll cough up that film!<br />
MARTIN: You're really getting riled up.<br />
FRASIER: I certainly am.<br />
MARTIN: Come on, they're just pranks. Back in the<br />
force, we used to do stuff like this all the time. Fill a<br />
guy's hat with shaving cream or nail a guy's shoes to<br />
the floor. Sometimes we get a guy dead drunk and<br />
leave him in a draw in the morgue.<br />
FRASIER: You know, dad, I might have been able to<br />
laugh it off if all of Seattle hadn't started stalking<br />
me with cameras!<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong> looks through the spy-hole in the door, pulls a surprised<br />
Niles inside, and slams the door again.<br />
NILES: Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you<br />
hear me shouting?<br />
FRASIER: That was you? I'm sorry, Niles, I was afraid<br />
you might be trying to get a picture of my butt!<br />
NILES: How exciting to be present at the birth of a<br />
new phobia.<br />
FRASIER: I'm talking about Carlos and the Chicken.<br />
NILES: Oh, yes, their little contest. I can't believe<br />
anyone's taking that seriously.<br />
FRASIER: Oh, well, they won't be for much longer.<br />
I've decided it's time to fight back. I was up to all<br />
hours last night crafting my response to those two<br />
idiots. I believe I have arrived at a masterful<br />
rebuttal.<br />
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frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: I'm not sure you want to call it your<br />
reBUTTal.<br />
NILES: I see your "Bartletts" is out. You're not pulling<br />
any punches!<br />
FRASIER: Hardly. I go in swinging with Le Roché Va<br />
Coe; "If we had no faults of our own, we would not<br />
take so much pleasure in noticing those of<br />
others".<br />
NILES: Ouch!<br />
FRASIER: And when I've knocked them reeling, I go<br />
in with a jab of Dorothy Parker; "Wit has truth in<br />
it, wise-cracking is merely callous thenix with<br />
words".<br />
NILES: Pow!<br />
FRASIER: And when they're bloody and against the<br />
ropes, I go in with the kill; Twain, Wilde, Twain,<br />
Twain, Mencken.<br />
NILES: It's not a fight, it's an execution!<br />
MARTIN: You know <strong>Frasier</strong>, if you go and read that on<br />
the air you're going to set yourself up for a year of<br />
abuse. You know, this kind of thing is probably<br />
the reason why these guys started picking on you<br />
in the first place.<br />
FRASIER: Dad, what exactly are you saying? That I<br />
somehow managed to bring all this misery on<br />
myself?<br />
MARTIN: No, I'm not saying that, well, have you ever<br />
wondered why these bullies have always kind of<br />
zeroed in on you two?<br />
NILES: No, we don't wonder why, we know the reason.<br />
Jealousy!<br />
MARTIN: Okay, so there's a little bit of that too but you<br />
know you kinda give people the impression that<br />
you're above them.<br />
FRASIER: Pish-tosh!<br />
NILES: Poppycock!<br />
FRASIER: Oh, Daphne, do you think we're snobby,<br />
superior and condescending?<br />
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frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
DAPHNE: That's it! I'm getting my door soundproofed.<br />
MARTIN: See what I mean? People think you're stuffy.<br />
You know with your opera parties, and your wine<br />
parties and your seasoned crepe pans.<br />
FRASIER: In my defense, Niles is the only one who<br />
seasons his crepe pans.<br />
NILES: Which is the precisely why I've had the same<br />
set since the ninth grade, thank you very much!<br />
MARTIN: My point is, you guys could never resist<br />
putting on airs. Even when you were in junior<br />
high, you used to love that TV program... "The<br />
Avengers". You used to run all over the<br />
neighborhood pretending you were that guy with<br />
the umbrella… Steve.<br />
FRASIER: Steed! There were worse role models. Steed<br />
was dapper and witty. When anyone tried to give<br />
him grief, he gave them a sound thrashing with<br />
the umbrella.<br />
MARTIN: Well, that's great, admire him if you want. But<br />
did you have to run through the neighborhood in<br />
bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.<br />
FRASIER: Come to think of it, it was rather a rough<br />
summer that year, wasn't it?<br />
NILES: I remember getting a chin strap, so the<br />
bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.<br />
MARTIN: And all that did was make you look like<br />
Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet". My point is, if<br />
you go down to the station and read that over the air<br />
then you might as well go down there in a great big<br />
bowler hat. I mean, people are never going to let you<br />
forget it.<br />
DAPHNE: You know, it's funny hearing you talk about<br />
"The Avengers". My first Halloween in America, I<br />
went to a party dressed as Mrs. Peel. Head to toe in<br />
that skin tight black leather catsuit. Come to think<br />
of it, I still have it somewhere, and Halloween's<br />
coming up.<br />
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frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
MARTIN: Yeah, catsuit. (to Eddie) Better not let this guy<br />
hear you talking about that, he'll go nuts.<br />
NILES: I would not! (sees Eddie) be surprised if he did!<br />
FRASIER: Excuse me. (answers) Hello. Why, Roz, yes just<br />
calm down. No, I'm not listening. Hang on a second.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong> turns on the radio. "Carlos and the Chicken" have put<br />
together a tape which sounds like Roz and <strong>Frasier</strong> having sex.<br />
CARLOS: I think we're going to have to throw a bucket<br />
of water on these two.<br />
CHICKEN: Roz and <strong>Frasier</strong> stopped around for a quick<br />
hello, next thing you know, they're getting it on<br />
in the booth!<br />
FRASIER: Do we have time to squeeze in one more?<br />
ROZ: Plenty of time, <strong>Frasier</strong>. Two more minutes.<br />
CARLOS: For a man carrying around a good fifty extra<br />
pounds of ass, <strong>Frasier</strong> Crane has got unbelievable<br />
stamina. <strong>Frasier</strong>, where do you get your energy?<br />
FRASIER: Lavender, rose hips and a little Tehesian<br />
Vanilla.<br />
CARLOS: Oh my God, they're changing positions. I've<br />
never seen that one before.<br />
FRASIER: Love does enter through the nose.<br />
<strong>Frasier</strong> turns it off.<br />
FRASIER: I'm going down there. Dad, don't try to talk<br />
me out of this, I'm going to teach those two a<br />
lesson, they'll not soon forget. Where's my<br />
umbrella?<br />
MARTIN: Oh, no, not that again, not the umbrella, I'm<br />
begging you.<br />
FRASIER: It's raining!<br />
KACL Radio Station. <strong>Frasier</strong> storms in.<br />
FRASIER: Roz, what are you doing here?<br />
ROZ: Getting revenge, that's what! These guys are<br />
going down. Did you hear the disgusting, vile<br />
things they said about me?<br />
FRASIER: Just the part about us having sex.<br />
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frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
ROZ: Exactly! And now they've got a photo contest<br />
about me, now, too.<br />
FRASIER: Roz, a thousand dollars for a shot of your<br />
behind? Sorry.<br />
ROZ: No, it's fifty bucks and a six pack. There were<br />
seven winners before I even left the house. <strong>Frasier</strong>,<br />
what shall we do? Slash their tyres, crack their<br />
windshields?<br />
FRASIER: I was thinking of a more direct approach.<br />
ROZ: I'm down with that too. Next commercial, I'll get<br />
the chicken, you take the big guy.<br />
FRASIER: No, no, that's not it and you know it, Roz.<br />
ROZ: I knew you'd say that. Fine, I'll take the big guy.<br />
FRASIER: No, Roz. Listen to yourself, you're lusting for<br />
blood like a barbarian. I have a more civilized<br />
approach in mind. I have composed a speech!<br />
ROZ: A speech? Well, unless you plan to roll it up and<br />
cram it down their throats, what good is that<br />
gonna do?<br />
FRASIER: Just watch me.<br />
ROZ: No, <strong>Frasier</strong>, they're never going to stop making<br />
fun of you.<br />
FRASIER: Roz, I don't care. I just figured out<br />
something, maybe you can't stop bullies from<br />
attacking you, but the only way they win is if they<br />
change who you are and I'll tell you something, let<br />
them do their worst.<br />
CARLOS: Holy Cow, look who just walked into the<br />
booth, <strong>Frasier</strong> Crane, the automatic sex pilot.<br />
CHICKEN: What's up, love-doctor?<br />
FRASIER: Oh, I think you two know what's up. There's<br />
only so much I can take, there's only so much<br />
anyone can take from a juvenile comic and his<br />
straight man. I believe it was La Roché Va Coe who<br />
first said...<br />
CHICKEN: Listen to me, I'll take my straight man over<br />
your sex starved producer any day, my friend.<br />
page 35
frasier season seven part one small black beetles: the overkill<br />
CARLOS: Hey, wait a second, I'm not your straight man.<br />
If anything, I'm the funny one.<br />
CHICKEN: Let's not start with this again, okay?<br />
CARLOS: You're the one who just started it, on the air!<br />
You always do this.<br />
CHICKEN: Hey Carlos, the therapist said not to use the<br />
word always.<br />
CARLOS: I just wish you could say I was as funny as<br />
you are.<br />
CHICKEN: Now, I wish I could say that too but who does<br />
all the funny voices?<br />
CARLOS: If I'm so unfunny, how come I get all the solo<br />
gigs?<br />
CHICKEN: Oh, now I'm laughing, ha-ha!<br />
CARLOS: Don't believe me? Ask our agent!<br />
CHICKEN: You talked to Zacri behind my back.<br />
FRASIER: You know if I could just get a word in...<br />
CARLOS: I'm going.<br />
CHICKEN: Go ahead, be my guest.<br />
CARLOS: Great, because I don't need you and I don't<br />
need "Carlos and the Chicken".<br />
CHICKEN: Oh, really? Well, best of luck, funny boy!<br />
CARLOS: Same to you, Dwayne!<br />
CHICKEN: Hey, that's not cool.<br />
FRASIER: Chicken! I believe it was La Roché Va Coe,<br />
the great French thinker...<br />
CHICKEN: I know, I went to grad school too. And it's<br />
pronounced (different) La Roché Va Coe.<br />
FRASIER: That's it! Nobody challenges my<br />
pronunciation!<br />
KENNY: Chicken! (to <strong>Frasier</strong>) Did you have to be so<br />
vicious? We got dead air, take over!<br />
FRASIER: Yes, right. This is Dr. <strong>Frasier</strong> Crane, I'll be<br />
filling in for the next hour of the morning zoo with<br />
my own particular brand of zany antics.<br />
page 36