murakami, haruki - Norwegian wood

Please forgive me for not answering sooner. But try to understand. It
took me a very long time before I was in any condition to write, and I
have started this letter at least ten times. Writing is a painful process
for me.
Let me begin with my conclusion. I have decided to take a year off
from college. Officially, it's a leave of absence, but I suspect that I will
never be going back. This will no doubt come as a surprise to you, but
in fact I had been thinking about doing this for a very long time. I tried
a few times to mention it to you, but I was never able to make myself
begin. I was afraid even to pronounce the words.
Try not to get so worked up about things. Whatever happened - or
didn't happen - the end result would have been the same. This may not
be the best way to put it, and I'm sorry if it hurts you. What I am
trying to tell you is, I don't want you to blame yourself for what
happened with me. It is something I have to take on all by myself. I
had been putting it off for more than a year, and so I ended up making
things very difficult for you. There is probably no way to put it off any
longer.
After I moved out of my flat, I came back to my family's house in
Kobe and was seeing a doctor for a while. He tells me there is a place
in the hills outside Kyoto that would be perfect for me, and I'm
thinking of spending a little time there. It's not exactly a hospital, more
a sanatorium kind of thing with a far freer style of treatment. I'll leave
the details for another letter. What I need now is to rest my nerves in a
quiet place cut off from the world.
I feel grateful in my own way for the year of companionship you gave
me. Please believe that much even if you believe nothing else. You are
not the one who hurt me. I myself am the one who did that. This is
truly how I feel.
For now, however, I am not prepared to see you. It's not that I don't
want to see you: I'm simply not prepared for it. The moment I feel
ready, I will write to you. Perhaps then we can get to know each other
53