murakami, haruki - Norwegian wood

murakami, haruki - Norwegian wood murakami, haruki - Norwegian wood

09.01.2013 Views

at the end I added: Waiting for your answer is one of the most painful things I have ever been through. At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. When I posted it, I felt as if the cavern inside me had grown again. That June I went out with Nagasawa twice again to sleep with girls. It was easy both times. The first girl put up a terrific struggle when I tried to get her undressed and into the hotel bed, but when I began reading alone because it just wasn't worth it, she came over and started nuzzling me. And after I had done it with the second one, she started asking me all kinds of personal questions - how many girls had I slept with? Where was I from? Which university did I go to? What kind of music did I like? Had I ever read any novels by Osamu Dazai? Where would I like to go if I could travel abroad? Did I think her nipples were too big? I made up some answers and went to sleep, but next morning she said she wanted to have breakfast with me, and she kept up the stream of questions over the tasteless eggs and toast and coffee. What kind of work did my father do? Did I get good marks at school? What month was I born? Had I ever eaten frogs? She was giving me a headache, so as soon as we had finished eating I said I had to go to work. "Will I ever see you again?" she asked with a sad look. "Oh, I'm sure we'll meet again somewhere before long," I said, and left. What the hell am I doing? I started wondering as soon as I was alone, feeling disgusted with myself. And yet it was all I could do. My body was hungering for women. All the time I was sleeping with those girls I thought about Naoko: the white shape of her naked body in the darkness, her sighs, the sound of the rain. The more I thought about these things, the hungrier my body grew. I went up to the roof with my whisky and asked myself where I thought I was heading. Finally, at the beginning of July, a letter came from Naoko. A short letter. 52

Please forgive me for not answering sooner. But try to understand. It took me a very long time before I was in any condition to write, and I have started this letter at least ten times. Writing is a painful process for me. Let me begin with my conclusion. I have decided to take a year off from college. Officially, it's a leave of absence, but I suspect that I will never be going back. This will no doubt come as a surprise to you, but in fact I had been thinking about doing this for a very long time. I tried a few times to mention it to you, but I was never able to make myself begin. I was afraid even to pronounce the words. Try not to get so worked up about things. Whatever happened - or didn't happen - the end result would have been the same. This may not be the best way to put it, and I'm sorry if it hurts you. What I am trying to tell you is, I don't want you to blame yourself for what happened with me. It is something I have to take on all by myself. I had been putting it off for more than a year, and so I ended up making things very difficult for you. There is probably no way to put it off any longer. After I moved out of my flat, I came back to my family's house in Kobe and was seeing a doctor for a while. He tells me there is a place in the hills outside Kyoto that would be perfect for me, and I'm thinking of spending a little time there. It's not exactly a hospital, more a sanatorium kind of thing with a far freer style of treatment. I'll leave the details for another letter. What I need now is to rest my nerves in a quiet place cut off from the world. I feel grateful in my own way for the year of companionship you gave me. Please believe that much even if you believe nothing else. You are not the one who hurt me. I myself am the one who did that. This is truly how I feel. For now, however, I am not prepared to see you. It's not that I don't want to see you: I'm simply not prepared for it. The moment I feel ready, I will write to you. Perhaps then we can get to know each other 53

at the end I added: Waiting for your<br />

answer is one of the most painful things I have ever been through. At<br />

least let me know whether or not I hurt you. When I posted it,<br />

I felt as if the cavern inside me had grown again.<br />

That June I went out with Nagasawa twice again to sleep with girls. It<br />

was easy both times. The first girl put up a terrific struggle when I<br />

tried to get her undressed and into the hotel bed, but when I began<br />

reading alone because it just wasn't worth it, she came over and started<br />

nuzzling me. And after I had done it with the second one, she started<br />

asking me all kinds of personal questions - how many girls had I slept<br />

with? Where was I from? Which university did I go to? What kind of<br />

music did I like? Had I ever read any novels by Osamu Dazai? Where<br />

would I like to go if I could travel abroad? Did I think her nipples<br />

were too big? I made up some answers and went to sleep, but next<br />

morning she said she wanted to have breakfast with me, and she kept<br />

up the stream of questions<br />

over the tasteless eggs and toast and coffee. What kind of work did my<br />

father do? Did I get good marks at school? What month was I born?<br />

Had I ever eaten frogs? She was giving me a headache, so as soon as<br />

we had finished eating I said I had to go to work.<br />

"Will I ever see you again?" she asked with a sad look.<br />

"Oh, I'm sure we'll meet again somewhere before long," I said, and<br />

left. What the hell am I doing? I started wondering as soon as I was<br />

alone, feeling disgusted with myself. And yet it was all I could do. My<br />

body was hungering for women. All the time I was sleeping with<br />

those girls I thought about Naoko: the white shape of her naked body<br />

in the darkness, her sighs, the sound of the rain. The more I thought<br />

about these things, the hungrier my body grew. I went up to the roof<br />

with my whisky and asked myself where I thought I was heading.<br />

Finally, at the beginning of July, a letter came from Naoko. A short<br />

letter.<br />

52

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