murakami, haruki - Norwegian wood

trying to go on, but had come up against nothing. Something was gone
now, and I was probably the one who had destroyed it. My words
might have finally reached her, taken their time to be understood, and
obliterated whatever energy it was that had kept her talking so long.
Lips slightly parted, she turned her half focused eyes on mine. She
looked like some kind of machine that had been humming along until
someone pulled the plug. Her eyes appeared clouded, as if covered by
some thin, translucent membrane.
"Sorry to interrupt," I said, "but it's getting late, and ..."
One big tear spilled from her eye, ran down her cheek and splattered
onto a record jacket. Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed
in an unbroken stream. Naoko bent forwards on all fours on the floor
and, pressing her palms to the mat, began to cry with the force of a
person vomiting. Never in my life had I seen anyone cry with such
intensity. I reached out and placed a hand on her trembling shoulder.
Then, all but instinctively, I took her in my arms. Pressed against me,
her whole body trembling, she continued to cry without a sound. My
shirt became damp - then soaked - with her tears and hot breath. Soon
her fingers began to move across my back as if in search of
something, some important thing that had always been there.
Supporting her weight with my left arm, I used my right hand to
caress her soft, straight hair. And I waited. In that position, I waited
for Naoko to stop crying. And I went on waiting. But Naoko's crying
never stopped.
I slept with Naoko that night. Was it the right thing to do? I can't tell.
Even now, almost 20 years later, I can't be sure. I suppose I'll never
know. But at the time, it was all I could do. She was in a heightened
state of tension and confusion, and she made it clear she wanted me to
give her release. I turned the lights down and began, one piece at a
time, with the gentlest touch I could manage, to remove her clothes.
Then I undressed. It was warm enough, that rainy April night, for us to
cling to each other's nakedness without a sense of chill. We explored
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