C4 antho - Chamber Four

Eupcaccia ~31~
“Sure as heck that bastard was clogging the pipe, along
with a shitload of hair, and not far from it was the little foil
package it came in. Came in.... Ha ha. It was a...you know...”
the plumber snarled, using a gesture with two fingers to encircle
his groin. “One of them lubed pups. Rib-bed.”
The plumber finished the pantomime and his hands
went back to Mal’s neck. Mal felt seasick and embarrassed
and he started giggling, as if a skit intended as slapstick had
knocked an old lady down and she was writhing in pain.
“You get my joke, do you?” The plumber laughed. “It was
a clear I.D. And from the look on my customer’s face, whoa, I
could tell right away the ’lil bastard had not been a mutual
purchase in this household, meaning husband and wife had
not selected that piece of family planning together.”
“...” Malchicken swallowed hard.
“He stared at me and said ‘motherfucker.’ I tried nosing
the blockage some more. The bastard wasn’t budging. He
said to me ‘Motherfucker that fucking motherfucker.’ I said it
sure looked like one. Yup. He said ‘Motherfucker it’s...I...I
don’t...I don’t...no, not me. No, no, no, no, no. One does not
make an ass out of me. Motherfucking cocksucker.’ I kept my
nodding. So then the guy calls up his wife who was in a meeting
so he leaves her this sweet little message about how there
had been an emergency and could she come home at once.
After that he hung up and started whacking himself with the
phone. Like this. In the head. Blap. Then he got tired of that
and hurled it into the bathtub. The batteries went flying
everywhere and he went and pitched them one by one into
the bedroom.”
“...”
“Motherfucker comes back to the bathroom and takes
me by the neck. Here, like this,” the plumber said, swinging
Mal around and locking one arm around his neck. “And he