C4 antho - Chamber Four

Peacocks ~113~
not-knowing would never be resolved, and he and Vera
would be stuck in a perpetual state of waiting.
One thing was clear: Rebecca loved Vera as best she
could. Didn’t they have the right to know?
* * * *
That spring, a young woman began taking Vera to the
park. We couldn’t help staring: this new woman was tall and
full-bodied. She glowed with sunny good health. She helped
Vera climb to the top of the slide and cheered her on when
she slid down. She looked like a Swedish film star, a completely
different species from us.
Vera had a pail and shovel for digging in the sand. She
now played as children do, ferociously and without any trace
of self-consciousness, until the blonde, whom we’d secretly
named the Big Swede, called her home.
One afternoon, Eric Redl appeared in the park. His hair
was trim again. His eyes caught mine, but he maintained the
smooth, impersonal look of a man whose desires were being
satisfied. I stood with the other mothers when Vera ran over
to hug him. We watched him swing her around and we
watched him kiss The Big Swede on the lips.
He didn’t let the grass grow, we said to one another.
* * * *
Over time, many of us, the old guard, the Collective Unconscious,
have spoken of our children’s earliest years. We
have spoken of our fatigue and boredom and the aspect of
performance, which is one of motherhood’s dirty little secrets,