C4 antho - Chamber Four

~108~ The Chamber Four Fiction Anthology
And there was Eric. He had enrolled Vera in a nursery
school, but every few days I saw him in the hallway, leading
her by the hand. How are you, I’d ask. We’re getting by, he’d
answer, but his face was abject. Sorrow deepens some people’s
beauty, and this was true of him. His gleaming surfaces
had been abraded, and I detected something passionate, almost
devotional, about his grief.
How are you really? I asked him one day when he was
alone, and he told me Vera had wakened several times in the
night, calling out for her mother. It’s very hard, I offered in
reply.
Eric grabbed me and pinned me against the wall. I
braced myself for a slap. I did not try to shield myself or
shout at him to stop. Whatever happened next would be the
logical result of my trespasses. He pressed himself against
me and kissed me, with all of Harry’s ardor and none of his
tenderness. I felt Eric’s erection, but I understood this as a
purely physical response, nothing to do with me. His kiss
was as good as a slap. I brushed my teeth five, six times that
day, but all day I tasted his smoky breath.
* * * *
January 14, 1956. V. began crawling today. She looks
like a crab with her left leg stuck out straight. As she made
her way across the floor she laughed her low bewitching
chuckle. I know one thing: I love this girl.
September 28, 1956. Vera loves to hide her doll under a
cushion or behind the window blinds. She shrieks with glee
every time she finds it. I’m surprised at my own enjoyment
of this game. V. is thrilled to find her doll every time!
February 12, 1957. I see now that the answer to my survival
is to live a divided life. While I did not choose my cur-