C4 antho - Chamber Four

~106~ The Chamber Four Fiction Anthology
May 6, early morning. Up all night with V. Every time I
put her down, she cried. I was the one who got up each time
because E. has to teach class today. He says I can sleep
when she sleeps. But she only sleeps when I hold her and
yesterday when I fell asleep in the chair I almost dropped
her.
June 25. Why don’t you take a walk, E. keeps saying.
Fresh air will do you good. So today I put V. in the carriage
and walked up to campus. At first it felt good to walk in the
sunlight, but I’d forgotten the semester was over and the
place would be deserted. Still I sat on the steps of Milbank
Hall and hoped to see anyone who might remember me.
July 1. At dinner E. talks nonstop about his work. He
drones on and on and on, so in love with the sound of his
voice. I count the minutes until he’s done and I can wash the
dishes in peace.
July 16. E. is angry that I no longer want to sleep with
him but he is too much of a coward to have it out. I cannot
stand the feeling of his hands, his hunger, on my bloated
body. He is weak in the same ways I am weak. I have no respect
for him, no love, no affinity.
* * * *
“Have any of you read The Red and the Black?”
“Ha. That’s a good one. I don’t think I have the brain
cells anymore.”
“I think Danny has some kind of inner alarm that goes
off whenever I pick up a book. He can be in another room,
but the moment I turn the page, it’s ‘Mommy, Mommy.’”
“It’s moments like that when I think putting them in
Skinner’s box wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”