Severely handicapped class arrives - The Lowell

7. Ito!
FE4TURE
SCHOOL DAZE
Bj Nlcfc Florcntinos
What is happening lo £K Sector Class? Member* appear lo have
lost interest in pirviously important aeivitiet. For IIUUM. >i il*
list rally. I only uw i dozen or so seniors. What happen: lo those
chcera of "rowdy and live makes W?
t think there's an explanation. They are suffering from the disease
known as "Senioritis." "Senuritis" attacks students through 'he ecu
tral nervous system, leaving tiiun with symptoms of cither extreme
boiedom or excessive cnzlness. Now, juniors ar: suffering from a
mild form of "Senioritis" known as "Junioriiis, " but this d«s r.nt
affeci them until after finals. The only known cure for "Senioritis"
b a grueling three hour event known as graduation.
Are you scared of heights? That condition is known as acrophobia
Fear of spiders is known as arachnophobb. Here are some lesser
known phobias.
Tteapbobla - fear of Mr. McMauu.
Gartattplckupaphobui — Tear of cutting clan.
Sklnbeadaphobla — fear of punk rockers.
BcanbajapbobU — fear or playing lucky lack.
GlrbwaUlngthroughapbobU — tear of taking a shower in the boys'
locker room
Notontlcphobia—fear of washing hands in the bathroom.
Dorkapbobla — fear of walking through the front courtyard.
Tfckrtapbobb — tear of parking in a two hour zone.
Prtpaohobla - fear of walking through the bock lawn.
Burttapbobla — fear of listening lo your wallcrran loo loud and nol
hearing the Tire hell.
SpUolerapfaobui — fear of silting on the courtyard benches.
DUptraphobil — feai of freshmen
I can't believe fouryrars of high soool arc just about over. Here
are some crystal ball predictions:
Debbie Hauler will be a housewife mi ,'trl •« a priest with six kids
KJchnrd Weeks will be coac'.iing the i.i*v »t varsity baseball team.
Ruse! Clufc will be in Kne at Sain; A ."l.my's Dining Room.
Sieve Folan will be in UV hospital suffering from a brain hemroor
rhage after being hit in the head with a soccer ball.
Sieve Abraniowilz wi'.l be the first male cheerleader for the Dallas
Cowboys.
Mike Zimmerman will be in jail waiting lor his trial, having been
irnisH of treason and selling secret documents lo the Ruuians.
Stephanie VoUroth will be the first woman Pope.
Viknro Partkh will be the first astroruut stranded on Mars. Me wil
be left behind by his crew, lo tskc pictures of his spaceship leaving
the planet.
Lyxa LeVfln will be the First Uxly. married to the first Asian Prcsi
dent of the United Sutcs. Dave Lew.
Pat Uskert will be hosting the Tonight Show.
Dan Harrington will be the late night janitor fur ratlin station KFKC
By Eric Fastlir
For the first, and probably last tiinc. this columnist is proud to
present The 1985 Indian Chief A-na-lnast-1 Awards. These
prestigious citations are awarded to Lowcl! peisorugcs »ho have
distingnished themselves in the course of the year. The award is
named in honor of Lowell's mascot who was killed while fighting
his teacher over grades, hence his name. I J»k at the name carefully...
This buffalo skinned envelope, please...
To No We Kjve Never Heard oT Hosv To Control Our Affection
In Public Award is bestowed upon a famed Junior Couple,
observed daily by many. The pair can be found intenwitwd
almost anywhere at anytime: tcsulc the auditorium, on the front
lawn, inside a locker, or during class. Love is great, but loo much is
loo much!
The No I'm Not Hip, I Jut Need Money Award is presented to
senior John Sloan. John sports 70 inch locks, half golden, half
chestnut. This new style is in direct contrast wi;h last year's 3
millimeter fashion. Jnhn admits his parcnu froze his S2 r. month
allowance last year in order to force pis hair .o grow to a more
respectable length by refusing him haircuts. "But they enjoyed the
extra.mcoroe so much, they decided not lo reinstate my monthly
allotment." laments John. However. John seems lo be having rhe
last laugh with the long bangs.
'Hu Yd You Cut Flirt with Your Girt Friend Avrmrd U given
lo senior Michael Zlnuremun for constantly making passes at his
girl friend Ua Levin.
Tbe Wimp Award is presented to Uw LF.C fot not commissioning
students u. iciroi'ce Lincoln in reuliation for -JK historic "Spin
Week Poster Attack." i^tcad. the I.EC wrote a letter ta Lincoln
demandirg a written apolog). Honorable mention is presented to the
Clajs of 1987 for their persona; letter in which they called Line )ln
students "hostile animals."
The Hyproactive Awsrd is duly presented to Shoko fUshljama
for attacking a returning Lowell alumnus with a traditional iicar hug.
5hoLo*s remarks about the murder, "I just can't control mysel'. You
understand; these things just happen to people," Right. Sholai.
Tbe Badtlawnen receive The PidfM Award for not throwing
the new bungalow down the hill as wns first suggested.
The We Are Right sod You K'x Wrong Award is eagerly
presented loco-editor-iixbieXLswboa Lee and Jessica Lecng for
tapoiing their opinioru about South Africa upon the entire stiff of
The Lowell.Their response u cri'teisro: "Win. we assumed every
person in their right mind would agree vrfth us." So much for logic.
Last, but defirilel/ not least, is the Ye>, I Finally Got My
Drivers License AwtrtL With all humility and hiendship aside. I
present this lost awtrd to Jenifer Rogers. This brilliant junior first
stalled, then flooded, and finally lost her key in one of the worst
neighborhoods in rbe city a: 2 a.m. Jenifer, welcome to the real
world. :
Duran Dsiran fan in love
By Alexandria S»*r
I know John Taylor ycnooill;.
Wtll ... not rcutly ... In f*.i, I
hivcn'i ocn nKt tin guy. B**t I sow
him. Ht Icoked ftwll;' u me »* if
t»> say, "I wsrjd whisk you off in
my limu. bkty. if only 1 didn't Uavc
to go to th r > mnvx."
the
ma\%c>. I had been on the wrong
iklcofthc building.
1 nonchalantly uuatcrcd ovct to
the cmrarcc of the theatre, nurlcd
by a great billboml nf Bond rc^cu-
inf his fragile blond maiden from
thv pci ilous wafers o( San Fr> ncisco
b*y, and noted that the fans -etroed
tc be congregating behind t. row of
steel barricades while th? ticket'
holders stood directly bj the entrance.
1 immediately neaped for the
entrance. Tccling ver/ pi out of my
•tealth ik-id ingenuity r.ad looking
Jown my nose at Lie poor fooU
dumb enough to be soxk behin.1 the
barricades. "A firstrate spot" 1
thought ui myself. Ard then the cop
came over.
"This place is rtierved for the
pre** »od tkkctrtjidcri. Do yr.ix
have a ticket?" Vx thought paued
through mj- n.;-*i that 1 should tetl
him 1 was a revoner from Rotting
Stonf, but somehow I didn't think
that would do it. I headed for the
barricades.
As there was already a crowd of
some 200 teenagers herded behind
the barricades, 1 could not get at the
front uf the crowd, but rather was
shoved between a kid sin hair and an
a»y«ring female impcrwwalor. compete
»itii rhincstone clip-: *tom near
>ou.
What do your teachers do all summer?
B> Laurie fttllon and
Marline Trrlaun
It's the tut t'jy of «ctun|
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