Severely handicapped class arrives - The Lowell
Severely handicapped class arrives - The Lowell
Severely handicapped class arrives - The Lowell
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7. Ito!<br />
FE4TURE<br />
SCHOOL DAZE<br />
Bj Nlcfc Florcntinos<br />
What is happening lo £K Sector Class? Member* appear lo have<br />
lost interest in pirviously important aeivitiet. For IIUUM. >i il*<br />
list rally. I only uw i dozen or so seniors. What happen: lo those<br />
chcera of "rowdy and live makes W?<br />
t think there's an explanation. <strong>The</strong>y are suffering from the disease<br />
known as "Senioritis." "Senuritis" attacks students through 'he ecu<br />
tral nervous system, leaving tiiun with symptoms of cither extreme<br />
boiedom or excessive cnzlness. Now, juniors ar: suffering from a<br />
mild form of "Senioritis" known as "Junioriiis, " but this d«s r.nt<br />
affeci them until after finals. <strong>The</strong> only known cure for "Senioritis"<br />
b a grueling three hour event known as graduation.<br />
Are you scared of heights? That condition is known as acrophobia<br />
Fear of spiders is known as arachnophobb. Here are some lesser<br />
known phobias.<br />
Tteapbobla - fear of Mr. McMauu.<br />
Gartattplckupaphobui — Tear of cutting clan.<br />
Sklnbeadaphobla — fear of punk rockers.<br />
BcanbajapbobU — fear or playing lucky lack.<br />
GlrbwaUlngthroughapbobU — tear of taking a shower in the boys'<br />
locker room<br />
Notontlcphobia—fear of washing hands in the bathroom.<br />
Dorkapbobla — fear of walking through the front courtyard.<br />
Tfckrtapbobb — tear of parking in a two hour zone.<br />
Prtpaohobla - fear of walking through the bock lawn.<br />
Burttapbobla — fear of listening lo your wallcrran loo loud and nol<br />
hearing the Tire hell.<br />
SpUolerapfaobui — fear of silting on the courtyard benches.<br />
DUptraphobil — feai of freshmen<br />
I can't believe fouryrars of high soool arc just about over. Here<br />
are some crystal ball predictions:<br />
Debbie Hauler will be a housewife mi ,'trl •« a priest with six kids<br />
KJchnrd Weeks will be coac'.iing the i.i*v »t varsity baseball team.<br />
Ruse! Clufc will be in Kne at Sain; A ."l.my's Dining Room.<br />
Sieve Folan will be in UV hospital suffering from a brain hemroor<br />
rhage after being hit in the head with a soccer ball.<br />
Sieve Abraniowilz wi'.l be the first male cheerleader for the Dallas<br />
Cowboys.<br />
Mike Zimmerman will be in jail waiting lor his trial, having been<br />
irnisH of treason and selling secret documents lo the Ruuians.<br />
Stephanie VoUroth will be the first woman Pope.<br />
Viknro Partkh will be the first astroruut stranded on Mars. Me wil<br />
be left behind by his crew, lo tskc pictures of his spaceship leaving<br />
the planet.<br />
Lyxa LeVfln will be the First Uxly. married to the first Asian Prcsi<br />
dent of the United Sutcs. Dave Lew.<br />
Pat Uskert will be hosting the Tonight Show.<br />
Dan Harrington will be the late night janitor fur ratlin station KFKC<br />
By Eric Fastlir<br />
For the first, and probably last tiinc. this columnist is proud to<br />
present <strong>The</strong> 1985 Indian Chief A-na-lnast-1 Awards. <strong>The</strong>se<br />
prestigious citations are awarded to Lowcl! peisorugcs »ho have<br />
distingnished themselves in the course of the year. <strong>The</strong> award is<br />
named in honor of <strong>Lowell</strong>'s mascot who was killed while fighting<br />
his teacher over grades, hence his name. I J»k at the name carefully...<br />
This buffalo skinned envelope, please...<br />
To No We Kjve Never Heard oT Hosv To Control Our Affection<br />
In Public Award is bestowed upon a famed Junior Couple,<br />
observed daily by many. <strong>The</strong> pair can be found intenwitwd<br />
almost anywhere at anytime: tcsulc the auditorium, on the front<br />
lawn, inside a locker, or during <strong>class</strong>. Love is great, but loo much is<br />
loo much!<br />
<strong>The</strong> No I'm Not Hip, I Jut Need Money Award is presented to<br />
senior John Sloan. John sports 70 inch locks, half golden, half<br />
chestnut. This new style is in direct contrast wi;h last year's 3<br />
millimeter fashion. Jnhn admits his parcnu froze his S2 r. month<br />
allowance last year in order to force pis hair .o grow to a more<br />
respectable length by refusing him haircuts. "But they enjoyed the<br />
extra.mcoroe so much, they decided not lo reinstate my monthly<br />
allotment." laments John. However. John seems lo be having rhe<br />
last laugh with the long bangs.<br />
'Hu Yd You Cut Flirt with Your Girt Friend Avrmrd U given<br />
lo senior Michael Zlnuremun for constantly making passes at his<br />
girl friend Ua Levin.<br />
Tbe Wimp Award is presented to Uw LF.C fot not commissioning<br />
students u. iciroi'ce Lincoln in reuliation for -JK historic "Spin<br />
Week Poster Attack." i^tcad. the I.EC wrote a letter ta Lincoln<br />
demandirg a written apolog). Honorable mention is presented to the<br />
Clajs of 1987 for their persona; letter in which they called Line )ln<br />
students "hostile animals."<br />
<strong>The</strong> Hyproactive Awsrd is duly presented to Shoko fUshljama<br />
for attacking a returning <strong>Lowell</strong> alumnus with a traditional iicar hug.<br />
5hoLo*s remarks about the murder, "I just can't control mysel'. You<br />
understand; these things just happen to people," Right. Sholai.<br />
Tbe Badtlawnen receive <strong>The</strong> PidfM Award for not throwing<br />
the new bungalow down the hill as wns first suggested.<br />
<strong>The</strong> We Are Right sod You K'x Wrong Award is eagerly<br />
presented loco-editor-iixbieXLswboa Lee and Jessica Lecng for<br />
tapoiing their opinioru about South Africa upon the entire stiff of<br />
<strong>The</strong> <strong>Lowell</strong>.<strong>The</strong>ir response u cri'teisro: "Win. we assumed every<br />
person in their right mind would agree vrfth us." So much for logic.<br />
Last, but defirilel/ not least, is the Ye>, I Finally Got My<br />
Drivers License AwtrtL With all humility and hiendship aside. I<br />
present this lost awtrd to Jenifer Rogers. This brilliant junior first<br />
stalled, then flooded, and finally lost her key in one of the worst<br />
neighborhoods in rbe city a: 2 a.m. Jenifer, welcome to the real<br />
world. :<br />
Duran Dsiran fan in love<br />
By Alexandria S»*r<br />
I know John Taylor ycnooill;.<br />
Wtll ... not rcutly ... In f*.i, I<br />
hivcn'i ocn nKt tin guy. B**t I sow<br />
him. Ht Icoked ftwll;' u me »* if<br />
t»> say, "I wsrjd whisk you off in<br />
my limu. bkty. if only 1 didn't Uavc<br />
to go to th r > mnvx."<br />
the<br />
ma\%c>. I had been on the wrong<br />
iklcofthc building.<br />
1 nonchalantly uuatcrcd ovct to<br />
the cmrarcc of the theatre, nurlcd<br />
by a great billboml nf Bond rc^cu-<br />
inf his fragile blond maiden from<br />
thv pci ilous wafers o( San Fr> ncisco<br />
b*y, and noted that the fans -etroed<br />
tc be congregating behind t. row of<br />
steel barricades while th? ticket'<br />
holders stood directly bj the entrance.<br />
1 immediately neaped for the<br />
entrance. Tccling ver/ pi out of my<br />
•tealth ik-id ingenuity r.ad looking<br />
Jown my nose at Lie poor fooU<br />
dumb enough to be soxk behin.1 the<br />
barricades. "A firstrate spot" 1<br />
thought ui myself. Ard then the cop<br />
came over.<br />
"This place is rtierved for the<br />
pre** »od tkkctrtjidcri. Do yr.ix<br />
have a ticket?" Vx thought paued<br />
through mj- n.;-*i that 1 should tetl<br />
him 1 was a revoner from Rotting<br />
Stonf, but somehow I didn't think<br />
that would do it. I headed for the<br />
barricades.<br />
As there was already a crowd of<br />
some 200 teenagers herded behind<br />
the barricades, 1 could not get at the<br />
front uf the crowd, but rather was<br />
shoved between a kid sin hair and an<br />
a»y«ring female impcrwwalor. compete<br />
»itii rhincstone clip-: *tom near<br />
>ou.<br />
What do your teachers do all summer?<br />
B> Laurie fttllon and<br />
Marline Trrlaun<br />
It's the tut t'jy of «ctun|<br />
feden<br />
allcpi<br />
was<br />
Voiu:<br />
andf<<br />
thev<br />
ofnoh<br />
Suic.l<br />
ware<br />
guard<br />
KTRI<br />
Clay a<br />
oft<br />
<strong>The</strong>.<br />
oft<br />
after I