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tine Vachon (Boys Don’t Cry) but nothing has come of
it, despite my seeing one excellent screenplay written by
a guy called Nix (I kid you not). Otherwise, not a single
one of the other narratives has been optioned.
CH: Would you be amenable to films made of your
work, or do think it might be disastrous?
WS: I think for a writer it’s an almost always an artistic
lose-lose scenario. Either you take the money and abrogate
all responsibility for the finished article (which
then, in all likelihood, ill serves the original), or else
you take less money and become creatively involved (if
they’ll have you), in which case, in all probability, your
participation will be vitiated to the point where it makes
no difference anyway. I know several of my peers who
have spent years working on film adaptations of their
work, only for them either to come out badly, or else
not come out at all. Martin Amis has it about right when
he says: “Don’t believe they’ve made a movie of your
book until you rent the video.” In part, I feel obscurely
satisfied that there have been no film adaptations. To
my mind it proves that I’m doing something which can
only be done in the form of prose fiction. Mind you, the
bank manager might well have a different take on this.
CH: Which stories would you be interested in seeing
adapted?
WS: I’ve always felt that ‘Tough Tough Toys For Tough
Tough Boys’ (the story) would make a great British road
movie. The problem with road movies in Britain is that
BUY Will Self books online from and
there isn’t usually enough road, but by starting in Caithness,
on the north coast of Scotland, and having scenes
the entire way to London, I think this story avoids the
usual pitfalls. I’ve even gone so far as to rough out a
scene plan for it, but because of all the problems mentioned
above, I’ve never gone any further. I also think
‘The Rock Of Crack As Big As The Ritz’ together with
its sequel ‘The Nonce Prize’ would make a good movie.
As for the novels, well, Cock would be good (no sight of
the genitals – just reaction shots); and Great Apes, I feel,
could be made quite easily and effectively, by simply
having humans play chimpanzees, without any makeup,
just half-naked, copulating freely, grooming etc … And
with subtitles (they would sign as in the book).
CH: Any filmmakers you’d trust with your work?
WS: Completely trust? Well, Cronenberg for Cock,
Gilliam for My Idea Of Fun or How The Dead Live.
CH: And finally, what question would you ask yourself?
WS: Erm, I think the question I ask myself most is, and
this comes up particularly in relation to this anti-war
stuff which is the first public political thing that I’ve put
my head above the parapet for kind of ever. So I’d be
inclined to ask myself: do you really believe that your
work as a writer represents a significant or a meaningful
contribution to political and social debate or do you
think there’s something more you should be doing? So
that’s the kind of question I tend to ask myself most.
Fin �
459
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