The Courage of Children: Boston and Beyond XXXIII

SYLVIA EVERSON
KAITLYN CURRY, TEACHER
South Shore Charter Public School, Norwell, MA
I found out when I was twelve. It was terrifying. The gates of my mind were
opened. All the emotions came at me all at once. I was confused. I was scared.
How could I be gay? A ton of bricks hit me as my brain was flooded with so
many questions and so few answers. In the family I’ve grown up in, it was a
subject that was never talked about. Not avoided—just not talked about. In the
small town that I have lived in my whole life, there was plenty of representation
and obvious support, but I never thought it was made to include me, too.
During all this time, I had silly little crushes on boys, until I didn’t. The
pronouns of the people I liked started changing from “he” to “she.” Sitting in
the middle of math class, my body was there, but my mind was not. There was
no way I could focus on learning about reciprocals when I had just figured
something out that would forever alter my future.
Courage. What is it? How does it work? How is it shown? How do I show it? In
my case, courage came in the form of not only telling other people, but coming
to terms with it with myself. I knew that there would be people who would not
accept me. That brought me so much anxiety, and stress, and more anxiety.
I didn’t know what to do. I felt as if I owed it to people to tell them that I was
gay. As if I would be a fake, dishonest, bad person if people were not made
aware. That led me into a spiral of overthinking. Then, a week later, I was on
a call with my best friend. The subject had wandered up in our conversation.
I wanted to tell her that I was gay. I wanted to come out. After all, she was my
best friend. She would support me. Right? My overthinking started again, and
that brought along an anxiety attack. My breathing became more and more
shallow until it became difficult to breathe at all. My heart would not slow
down. It felt like someone was taking drumsticks and banging on my heart.
The room got smaller and smaller. I was stuck. I felt as if I could not think
clearly. I looked around and found my fidget toys. I picked one up and started
moving it around in my hands and between my fingers. I grabbed my water
and took a sip. Even though it was nearly painful, I tried my hardest to focus on
my breathing. Deep and long, my breaths became more gentle. I started feeling
more calm. I drank a little more water and continued to use my fidgets. After a
few minutes, my heartbeats were slower and more consistent, my breathing was
stable, and I was thinking clearly. I mustered up all the courage and bravery
I possibly could, and I told her. It took a lot of mental preparation and double
“THE MEDIA,
POLITICIANS, AND
EVEN SOME PEOPLE
WE PERSONALLY KNOW
HAVE TOLD US AS A
COMMUNITY THAT
BEING DIFFERENT IS
WRONG. SO, LIVING AS
MY TRUE SELF TAKES
LOTS OF COURAGE
EVERY DAY.”
the amount of courage, but I did it. Afterwards, I felt so much better, as if the
weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. That is what courage feels
like. I was so proud of myself. I had come out of the closet.
Fast forward two more years. I am now fourteen years old, and I am out to the
people who matter in my life. I realized that being different didn’t mean being
wrong. I am still showing the same kind of courage in my day-to-day life now
as I was two years ago. Not only does that include the never-ending process of
constantly coming out to new people, but also just existing as a queer person.
In the kind of world I am growing up in, being included in the LGTBQIA+
community, I show persistent courage by being my true self. This is for many
reasons. One of the most apparent reasons is the constant homophobia that
surrounds our society. The media, politicians, and even some people we
personally know have told us as a community that being different is wrong.
So, living as my true self takes lots of courage every day. However, even though
I still live with anxiety, I’ve learned how to handle it better. I know how to
recognize when I need a break and have developed healthy coping
mechanisms. I now know that utilizing fidgets, drinking lots of water, and
maintaining a social life helps me so much. I show courage not only by
expressing my true self, but also by being a mentor to younger people. To me,
courage is not just being brave in one moment, but rather living in a way that
leads to better outcomes, no matter how scary the processes to get there are.
I can be courageous now by being that role model I wish that I had as a
younger queer person. I am a courageous person.
THE COURAGE OF CHILDREN: BOSTON AND BEYOND
VOLUME XXXIII
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