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Share with us about marrying and transitioning into<br />
adulthood.<br />
When I grew up and entered high school, I felt a reprieve from the<br />
heavy emotions. I met Chip his junior year in college. When I saw<br />
him the first time I fell head over heels for him. I’d never met anyone<br />
like him before. We were friends for about a year and then we started<br />
dating. That was a high point in my life, for sure. We had the most fun.<br />
We were the exact opposites in personality. The old saying rings true<br />
for us. Opposites do attract. He made me feel special, and it was<br />
amazing to be with someone who was fun and spontaneous and<br />
who was following Jesus. I had given my life to Christ the same<br />
month I met him. I graduated high school in 1990 and went off to<br />
college at Ole Miss. My first day of class, Chip drove to Oxford from<br />
New Orleans where he was in seminary. He picked me up, and we<br />
drove to Memphis where he proposed. Three months later we got<br />
married and moved to New Orleans where he was in seminary.<br />
We were wildly in love and things were exciting, but when he wasn’t<br />
around I found myself alone in our tiny apartment much of the<br />
time with no friends. I became very isolated. And that is a breeding<br />
ground for depression.<br />
What was it like for both of you in those early years<br />
as you dealt with depression?<br />
When Chip first noticed it, it really pushed him away. He didn’t<br />
know what to do with me. He didn’t have a category for depression.<br />
Chip was raised to be super-independent. He didn’t have anything<br />
in him that felt like he could say ‘I need help or I’m struggling.’<br />
His attitude was ‘I’m fine, I can take care of myself.’ I have great<br />
compassion for him because there were some difficult stories behind<br />
that narrative in his head. So it was hard for him to be present. He<br />
didn’t know what to do so he would try to escape this pain - he’d<br />
go hunting or play basketball just to get away from all the discomfort.<br />
Looking back, we had some difficult seasons with all of this.<br />
When you feel isolated in your depression, it’s extremely hard to<br />
get out of. God opened up an opportunity for me to get out of the<br />
apartment and meet some good people. As an artist I was thankful<br />
to find a ceramics class. The lady who taught the class managed<br />
the business office on campus. She gave me a job and I started<br />
connecting with people and making friends. This helped me in many<br />
ways. I had another season of relief. After several years we began<br />
having our beautiful children—Rachel, Kenzie, and Regan. It was both<br />
a beautiful and brutal season. I had terrible bouts of postpartum<br />
depression. It was a different level of struggle than I’d had before.<br />
I think the deep-rooted feelings from the past began to come back<br />
up, combined with the overwhelming responsibilities and all the<br />
hormonal changes. It was the perfect storm.<br />
Postpartum depression is so heavy because it carries much<br />
shame. I would ask myself ‘Christy, you are so blessed. What is wrong<br />
with you? This should be such an enjoyable time.’ But I was really<br />
struggling emotionally and mentally. I was trying to keep my head<br />
above water. It was so hard not having anyone who truly understood<br />
the silent struggle that I was dealing with. I can remember<br />
rocking my babies, thanking God for them and at the same time<br />
weeping because of the pain. I did have sweet friends and my mom<br />
would come help me, but it was the first time I realized I needed<br />
professional help. I speak out about this a lot because I don’t want<br />
moms to feel shame. Postpartum depression is a very real thing<br />
and there’s a lot that contributes to it. There are people who DO<br />
understand what you are going through and they can support you<br />
in your suffering. Please don’t be afraid to seek that help.<br />
How would you describe your journey with depression<br />
since then?<br />
There was a long time of feeling isolated in my pain. I felt like a<br />
misfit. I felt like there were many people observing me, but very few<br />
really knew me. In the darker days, I doubted if I would ever be free.<br />
I wondered if the clouds would ever part. My connection with God<br />
was the only thing that kept me grounded. When my mental and<br />
emotional state was a wreck, I can remember going to my closet<br />
where I wrote God’s word on 4x6 cards and tacked them to the<br />
wall. My wall was covered. It helped me meditate. There were<br />
mornings that I would spend hours in there. I would light a candle<br />
to help me visualize the Holy Spirit as I prayed for strength. God held<br />
me in that space. But the depression was relentless. It was like I was<br />
in a war for my life. Off and on for four decades, I suffered to some<br />
degree.<br />
I know there are people out there who need to hear this—in<br />
the lowest moments, I didn’t want to live. This is hard to say, but I<br />
can remember waking up and being disappointed that I woke up.<br />
But I knew I had to live. God had a purpose for my life. There was a<br />
lie that Satan would whisper to me—’everyone would be better off<br />
without you,’ But I would look into the eyes of my children, and I<br />
knew that they needed their mama. This gave me the drive to<br />
persevere—to get out of bed and make breakfast and care for them.<br />
Recently, there came a breaking point for me. Things became<br />
unmanageable. I was under the care of physicians who had done<br />
everything they could to help. I had been placed on a terrible<br />
combination of medication that was toxic to my system. I was<br />
underweight and very weak, physically. I was in a state of disconnect<br />
with myself, my loved ones, and even feeling extremely disconnected<br />
from God. I’m 51 now and that happened when I was 47. By God’s<br />
grace, He put my feet on a healing path. I went to a place far away<br />
and spent a month and a half in intensive therapy. There were<br />
compassionate professionals there who helped me. It was very<br />
difficult going through a medical detox and then uncovering all of<br />
the pain that I had buried for so long. But with each session, I began<br />
to feel a difference. Slowly the light and freedom came to those<br />
wounded places inside my soul. God helped me dismantle false<br />
belief systems as I acknowledged the root causes of my pain.<br />
I felt the miracle begin in my body. It was a sacred space<br />
where I found greater intimacy with God than I could ever imagine.<br />
I tell people all the time that “Jesus reintroduced Himself to me.”<br />
Today the work continues. I still have someone I talk to therapeutically.<br />
I have a new physician. I am on safe medication with no side effects.<br />
38 • JANUARY 2024