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Share with us about marrying and transitioning into
adulthood.
When I grew up and entered high school, I felt a reprieve from the
heavy emotions. I met Chip his junior year in college. When I saw
him the first time I fell head over heels for him. I’d never met anyone
like him before. We were friends for about a year and then we started
dating. That was a high point in my life, for sure. We had the most fun.
We were the exact opposites in personality. The old saying rings true
for us. Opposites do attract. He made me feel special, and it was
amazing to be with someone who was fun and spontaneous and
who was following Jesus. I had given my life to Christ the same
month I met him. I graduated high school in 1990 and went off to
college at Ole Miss. My first day of class, Chip drove to Oxford from
New Orleans where he was in seminary. He picked me up, and we
drove to Memphis where he proposed. Three months later we got
married and moved to New Orleans where he was in seminary.
We were wildly in love and things were exciting, but when he wasn’t
around I found myself alone in our tiny apartment much of the
time with no friends. I became very isolated. And that is a breeding
ground for depression.
What was it like for both of you in those early years
as you dealt with depression?
When Chip first noticed it, it really pushed him away. He didn’t
know what to do with me. He didn’t have a category for depression.
Chip was raised to be super-independent. He didn’t have anything
in him that felt like he could say ‘I need help or I’m struggling.’
His attitude was ‘I’m fine, I can take care of myself.’ I have great
compassion for him because there were some difficult stories behind
that narrative in his head. So it was hard for him to be present. He
didn’t know what to do so he would try to escape this pain - he’d
go hunting or play basketball just to get away from all the discomfort.
Looking back, we had some difficult seasons with all of this.
When you feel isolated in your depression, it’s extremely hard to
get out of. God opened up an opportunity for me to get out of the
apartment and meet some good people. As an artist I was thankful
to find a ceramics class. The lady who taught the class managed
the business office on campus. She gave me a job and I started
connecting with people and making friends. This helped me in many
ways. I had another season of relief. After several years we began
having our beautiful children—Rachel, Kenzie, and Regan. It was both
a beautiful and brutal season. I had terrible bouts of postpartum
depression. It was a different level of struggle than I’d had before.
I think the deep-rooted feelings from the past began to come back
up, combined with the overwhelming responsibilities and all the
hormonal changes. It was the perfect storm.
Postpartum depression is so heavy because it carries much
shame. I would ask myself ‘Christy, you are so blessed. What is wrong
with you? This should be such an enjoyable time.’ But I was really
struggling emotionally and mentally. I was trying to keep my head
above water. It was so hard not having anyone who truly understood
the silent struggle that I was dealing with. I can remember
rocking my babies, thanking God for them and at the same time
weeping because of the pain. I did have sweet friends and my mom
would come help me, but it was the first time I realized I needed
professional help. I speak out about this a lot because I don’t want
moms to feel shame. Postpartum depression is a very real thing
and there’s a lot that contributes to it. There are people who DO
understand what you are going through and they can support you
in your suffering. Please don’t be afraid to seek that help.
How would you describe your journey with depression
since then?
There was a long time of feeling isolated in my pain. I felt like a
misfit. I felt like there were many people observing me, but very few
really knew me. In the darker days, I doubted if I would ever be free.
I wondered if the clouds would ever part. My connection with God
was the only thing that kept me grounded. When my mental and
emotional state was a wreck, I can remember going to my closet
where I wrote God’s word on 4x6 cards and tacked them to the
wall. My wall was covered. It helped me meditate. There were
mornings that I would spend hours in there. I would light a candle
to help me visualize the Holy Spirit as I prayed for strength. God held
me in that space. But the depression was relentless. It was like I was
in a war for my life. Off and on for four decades, I suffered to some
degree.
I know there are people out there who need to hear this—in
the lowest moments, I didn’t want to live. This is hard to say, but I
can remember waking up and being disappointed that I woke up.
But I knew I had to live. God had a purpose for my life. There was a
lie that Satan would whisper to me—’everyone would be better off
without you,’ But I would look into the eyes of my children, and I
knew that they needed their mama. This gave me the drive to
persevere—to get out of bed and make breakfast and care for them.
Recently, there came a breaking point for me. Things became
unmanageable. I was under the care of physicians who had done
everything they could to help. I had been placed on a terrible
combination of medication that was toxic to my system. I was
underweight and very weak, physically. I was in a state of disconnect
with myself, my loved ones, and even feeling extremely disconnected
from God. I’m 51 now and that happened when I was 47. By God’s
grace, He put my feet on a healing path. I went to a place far away
and spent a month and a half in intensive therapy. There were
compassionate professionals there who helped me. It was very
difficult going through a medical detox and then uncovering all of
the pain that I had buried for so long. But with each session, I began
to feel a difference. Slowly the light and freedom came to those
wounded places inside my soul. God helped me dismantle false
belief systems as I acknowledged the root causes of my pain.
I felt the miracle begin in my body. It was a sacred space
where I found greater intimacy with God than I could ever imagine.
I tell people all the time that “Jesus reintroduced Himself to me.”
Today the work continues. I still have someone I talk to therapeutically.
I have a new physician. I am on safe medication with no side effects.
38 • JANUARY 2024