Southern Indiana Living Magazine - Sept / Oct 2023
September / October Issue of Southern Indiana Living September / October Issue of Southern Indiana Living
A Walk in the Garden with Bob Hill The Tale of a Lost Billfold This will be a story, nay a possible movie, about a lost billfold, the amazing bureaucratic response to same and the destruction of an old piano with a sledgehammer named “Buster.” Yes, that old plotline. It begins with the lost billfold, a worn, faded brown-leather relic that has been a passenger in my left rear pocket for maybe 15 to 20 years. It contained a driver’s license with a photo of me looking like a depressed bank robber, a Visa credit card and the address-card of my foot doctor who cuts my toenails every 10 weeks or so. It takes him about five minutes. Minor bleeding. Occasional salve. God bless Medicare. Speaking of which, tucked away in a fold of my lost billfold was that Medicare card, my AARP medicine card, proof of my car insurance and an ever-evolving, typewritten list of old-guy medicines with typical multi-syllable names such as Clopidogrel Bisulfate and Atorvastatin Calcium. Losing a billfold at my stage of the game is a depressing experience. I know the smart folks stuff all that is important and useful into cellphones, then find ways to find lost cellphones. I’m an old guy. My accumulated life was in that worn brown billfold. Financial, gastronomical and pedicurical. I was now in charge of finding myself. The billfold was last seen during a possible hand-off to my wife while I was sitting in a golf cart just behind the house, and she headed into the house through the garage. It was a possible hand-off. We agreed on that. Then it got lost. Bitter divorces have occurred over less. The search was on. A bomb squad couldn’t have done a better job of searching the house with its thousands of nooks and crannies and bookshelves and drawers and closets and heat ducts. It was also my understanding some lost billfolds have been found in refrigerators next to Hellmann’s mayonnaise. A guy can hope while fully understanding anything lost will finally be found in the last place he looks. I just hadn’t found that last place yet. We also repeatedly and unsuccessfully drove the golf cart past trees, shrubs and fountains and my depression kicked up another notch. I knew what came next and feared the bureaucracy involved, the minutes, hours, days, months and years required in contacting all the various agencies needed to get my life and financial security back. The first call was to our insurance carrier. I explained the situation as the kind woman on the phone took my personal information and said, “Don’t worry about it, I’ll get you a new card out today.” Somewhat encouraged by that experience, I decided to go after the missing elephant in the room: Medicare. I was a little worried that I might suffer a heart attack in the lengthy process, thus unable to get in the hospital door without my Medicare card. I Googled the Medicare phone number and was directed to a pleasant-voiced Medicare robot who kept asking what my problem was. I less than pleasantly explained he was the problem: “How about a live person, please?” In a flash, R2-D2 connected me to a live person who was very official yet kind, understanding and helpful. She took my personal information and promised a new card in the mail in two weeks. She then connected me to the very live AARP prescription lady who was equally fast and helpful; my card soon in the mail. Moving on by phone, once I got past the Social Security robot to a live voice, I got the same results. A very understanding person promised a new card before Christmas, maybe sooner, and I was still going to get my monthly checks. My lost Visa card experience went just as smoothly. The call. A five-minute wait. A live voice. A new Visa card within three days — somebody wants me out there buying stuff. Probably plant nurseries. I was happily astounded. The whole dreaded bureaucratic, getmy-life-back by telephone experience took less than 45 minutes. Giddy was on the horizon. Leaving only the missing driver’s license. It required a personal visit unless I wanted to try online — which would have taken me until Christmas. I walked into the Clarksville Bureau of Motor Vehicles the next morning fearing I would need a sack lunch. Wrong. I was number 48 in line and 46 had already been called. I had, for some reason, taken a photo of my driver’s license on my cellphone. The clerk looked at it, banged away on her computer and told me my new card would be in the mail within 24 days. Then she leaned over and sort of whispered, “But it usually only takes about a week.” Shazam. A genuine love for bureaucrats. Our tax dollars and Visa at work, I had become a fully and duly authorized man in about 36 hours. And only $9 for the new plasticized driver’s license. But what of my missing billfold? Lean in a little closer for the big finish. We did find it in the last place we looked. A buddy was over to help me take a sledgehammer we call “Buster” to take apart a very old piano and salvage its sounding board for Hoosier yard art. The process did offer some serious reverberating sound. Buster’s home is in the corner of our garage next to where my billfold had been placed on a step stool by my wife and forgotten. We had searched high in the garage but never got to the low part. A truly happy reunion without blame or recrimination. We have been married 61 years and have gone through worse than a lost billfold. The resonating theme through this tale is if we had not decided to demolish the old piano, we never would have had need for Buster, and thus not found my billfold as quickly. Piano. Buster. Bingo. Before finding my old billfold, we purchased a shiny new one. All new bureaucratic cards will go in there for the next time I lose my old billfold. Stay tuned for the movie. • About the Author Former Courier-Journal columnist Bob Hill enjoys gardening, good fun, good friends and the life he and his wife, Janet, have created on their eight bucolic acres near Utica, Indiana. 8 • Sept/Oct 2023 • Southern Indiana Living
TIRES WHEELS BRAKES SHOCKS, ALIGNMENTS 812-347-3134 1529 Hwy. 64 NW Ramsey, IN 47166 1-800-847-0770 Fax: 812-347-2166 Theresa J Lamb Ins Agency Inc Theresa Lamb, Agent 1523 State Street New Albany, IN 47150 Bus: 812-945-8088 Talk to your neighbors, then talk to me. See why State Farm ® insures more drivers than GEICO and Progressive combined. Great service, plus discounts of up to 40 percent.* Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. ® CALL FOR QUOTE 24/7. www.vanwinkleservice.com 1001174.1 *Discounts vary by states. State Farm Mutual Automobile Insurance Company State Farm Indemnity Company, Bloomington, IL SYCAMORESPRINGSPARK.COM Tina Lee, Owner 812-620-0754 56 Public Square, Salem IN Tues-Sat: 10AM-5PM Admission (& Fun!) ALWAYS FREE English, IN RESERVE NOW! Southern Indiana Living • Sept/Oct 2023 • 9
- Page 1 and 2: Dining on the River: The Overlook R
- Page 3 and 4: Missi Bush-Sawtelle, Owner 812-267-
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- Page 35 and 36: Southern Indiana Living • Sept/Oc
TIRES<br />
WHEELS<br />
BRAKES<br />
SHOCKS, ALIGNMENTS<br />
812-347-3134<br />
1529 Hwy. 64 NW<br />
Ramsey, IN 47166<br />
1-800-847-0770<br />
Fax: 812-347-2166<br />
Theresa J Lamb Ins Agency Inc<br />
Theresa Lamb, Agent<br />
1523 State Street<br />
New Albany, IN 47150<br />
Bus: 812-945-8088<br />
Talk to your<br />
neighbors,<br />
then talk<br />
to me.<br />
See why State Farm ® insures<br />
more drivers than GEICO and<br />
Progressive combined. Great<br />
service, plus discounts of up<br />
to 40 percent.*<br />
Like a good neighbor,<br />
State Farm is there. ®<br />
CALL FOR QUOTE 24/7.<br />
www.vanwinkleservice.com<br />
1001174.1<br />
*Discounts vary by states.<br />
State Farm Mutual Automobile Insurance Company<br />
State Farm Indemnity Company, Bloomington, IL<br />
SYCAMORESPRINGSPARK.COM<br />
Tina Lee, Owner<br />
812-620-0754<br />
56 Public Square, Salem IN Tues-Sat: 10AM-5PM<br />
Admission (& Fun!)<br />
ALWAYS FREE<br />
English, IN<br />
RESERVE<br />
NOW!<br />
<strong>Southern</strong> <strong>Indiana</strong> <strong>Living</strong> • <strong>Sept</strong>/<strong>Oct</strong> <strong>2023</strong> • 9
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