Focus on the Family Magazine - August/September 2023
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics. Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics.
Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
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Why boundaries are a big deal 02<br />
How to set marriage-streng<strong>the</strong>ning boundaries with your spouse 04<br />
How boundaries with your extended family can improve your marriage 06<br />
How to set healthy boundaries with kids and teens 08<br />
Redrawing boundaries with adult children 10<br />
How to navigate get-toge<strong>the</strong>rs with difficult family 12<br />
Additi<strong>on</strong>al resources 14<br />
BOUNDARIES / COUPLES<br />
Healthy Marriage Model<br />
At Hope Restored marriage intensives,<br />
we teach couples <strong>the</strong> Healthy Marriage<br />
Model. This is a guide when it comes to<br />
setting healthy boundaries in marriage.<br />
There are three primary boundaries in<br />
a marriage: my yard, my spouse’s yard<br />
and our covenant marriage boundary.<br />
Each pers<strong>on</strong> has a boundary of pers<strong>on</strong>al<br />
resp<strong>on</strong>sibility, and we call it “my<br />
yard.” This is my pers<strong>on</strong>al space where<br />
I am resp<strong>on</strong>sible for my acti<strong>on</strong>s and<br />
how o<strong>the</strong>r people treat me, as well as<br />
caring for myself emoti<strong>on</strong>ally, spiritually,<br />
physically, and mentally. When<br />
<strong>on</strong>e of those areas is unhealthy, I am<br />
pers<strong>on</strong>ally resp<strong>on</strong>sible to do something<br />
about it and to set boundaries<br />
for myself. My spouse cannot make a<br />
boundary for me; it is my job.<br />
Here are some examples of pers<strong>on</strong>al<br />
boundaries:<br />
• I will exercise daily for 30 minutes.<br />
• I will have a daily prayer time.<br />
• I will not ignore emoti<strong>on</strong>al hurts<br />
but will talk about <strong>the</strong>m respectfully.<br />
• I will not work past 6 p.m.<br />
• I will commit to healthy eating.<br />
We make pers<strong>on</strong>al boundaries to<br />
establish healthy friendships, work<br />
limitati<strong>on</strong>s, time for ourselves, etc.<br />
Generally, <strong>the</strong>y are not set to keep<br />
people out, but to care well for myself<br />
so that I can engage in relati<strong>on</strong>ships<br />
wholeheartedly.<br />
Healthy Marriage Model<br />
However, if a relati<strong>on</strong>ship is abusive<br />
or hurtful, str<strong>on</strong>ger boundaries<br />
are necessary: I will not allow you to<br />
yell, swear and call me names, and<br />
when that happens, I will leave <strong>the</strong><br />
house. If this boundary is crossed or<br />
not respected, <strong>the</strong>re are acti<strong>on</strong>s you<br />
can take. First, restate <strong>the</strong> boundary or<br />
remind your spouse calmly and clearly<br />
of what you desire. Next, discuss <strong>the</strong><br />
c<strong>on</strong>sequences for when a boundary is<br />
crossed over and over. And lastly, follow<br />
through with <strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>sequences.<br />
I cannot enter my spouse’s yard or<br />
cross <strong>the</strong>ir boundary without <strong>the</strong>ir permissi<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Too often spouses have falsely<br />
believed that <strong>on</strong> our wedding day, saying<br />
“I do” means “I can,” giving me<br />
permissi<strong>on</strong> to tell my spouse what to<br />
do or who to be. My spouse’s yard is a<br />
sacred place and not even God enters<br />
it without permissi<strong>on</strong>—he sees it as<br />
free will.<br />
When a couple interacts, <strong>the</strong>y d<strong>on</strong>’t<br />
go into each o<strong>the</strong>r’s yards, <strong>the</strong>y enter<br />
an interactive space where <strong>the</strong>y do<br />
things toge<strong>the</strong>r and build <strong>the</strong>ir relati<strong>on</strong>ship<br />
by talking, playing, working<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r, being intimate, etc. C<strong>on</strong>flict<br />
occurs here, but it is also where, as a<br />
couple, <strong>the</strong>y set boundaries toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
for <strong>the</strong> health and safety of <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
marriage. Toge<strong>the</strong>r, spouses decide<br />
boundaries for finances, communicati<strong>on</strong>,<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ships, children, intimacy,<br />
recreati<strong>on</strong>, work, privacy and in-laws.<br />
Respectful boundaries that h<strong>on</strong>our<br />
each spouse will allow you both<br />
to relax, feel safe and love each o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
well, and in turn, this streng<strong>the</strong>ns <strong>the</strong><br />
covenant marriage boundary, creating<br />
security for <strong>the</strong> relati<strong>on</strong>ship.<br />
How to create and<br />
maintain boundaries<br />
When c<strong>on</strong>sidering pers<strong>on</strong>al boundaries,<br />
I want to ask myself some<br />
questi<strong>on</strong>s: What is important to me?<br />
What do I value? What boundaries<br />
will help me feel safe, and to relax and<br />
engage more freely in my marriage?<br />
Mutual boundaries are set to create<br />
safety and security for both spouses,<br />
so first take time to talk about what<br />
is important to each of you. Ask each<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r: What boundaries will protect<br />
and enrich our marriage? It’s likely you<br />
already have some, but a discussi<strong>on</strong><br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r will help build understanding<br />
and prevent any c<strong>on</strong>fusi<strong>on</strong> in <strong>the</strong> future.<br />
Boundaries, both pers<strong>on</strong>al and<br />
mutual, are expressi<strong>on</strong>s of our values.<br />
They encourage us to build a healthy<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship and to feel safe and secure<br />
in <strong>the</strong> marriage. If boundaries are difficult<br />
for you to make or keep, find a<br />
trusted o<strong>the</strong>r, such as a counsellor,<br />
to help.<br />
Vicki Hooper is a Certified Clinical Counsellor<br />
at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada’s Hope<br />
Restored marriage intensives.<br />
Understanding<br />
Healthy<br />
Boundaries<br />
UNDERSTANDING HEALTHY<br />
BOUNDARIES<br />
In this free PDF booklet, you will find<br />
practical, biblically based advice for<br />
setting boundaries in marriage, as a<br />
parent and with in-laws.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/BoundariesPDF<br />
AUG / SEP <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA 29