Focus on the Family Magazine - August/September 2023

Why boundaries are a big deal 02
How to set marriage-strengthening boundaries with your spouse 04
How boundaries with your extended family can improve your marriage 06
How to set healthy boundaries with kids and teens 08
Redrawing boundaries with adult children 10
How to navigate get-togethers with difficult family 12
Additional resources 14
BOUNDARIES / COUPLES
Healthy Marriage Model
At Hope Restored marriage intensives,
we teach couples the Healthy Marriage
Model. This is a guide when it comes to
setting healthy boundaries in marriage.
There are three primary boundaries in
a marriage: my yard, my spouse’s yard
and our covenant marriage boundary.
Each person has a boundary of personal
responsibility, and we call it “my
yard.” This is my personal space where
I am responsible for my actions and
how other people treat me, as well as
caring for myself emotionally, spiritually,
physically, and mentally. When
one of those areas is unhealthy, I am
personally responsible to do something
about it and to set boundaries
for myself. My spouse cannot make a
boundary for me; it is my job.
Here are some examples of personal
boundaries:
• I will exercise daily for 30 minutes.
• I will have a daily prayer time.
• I will not ignore emotional hurts
but will talk about them respectfully.
• I will not work past 6 p.m.
• I will commit to healthy eating.
We make personal boundaries to
establish healthy friendships, work
limitations, time for ourselves, etc.
Generally, they are not set to keep
people out, but to care well for myself
so that I can engage in relationships
wholeheartedly.
Healthy Marriage Model
However, if a relationship is abusive
or hurtful, stronger boundaries
are necessary: I will not allow you to
yell, swear and call me names, and
when that happens, I will leave the
house. If this boundary is crossed or
not respected, there are actions you
can take. First, restate the boundary or
remind your spouse calmly and clearly
of what you desire. Next, discuss the
consequences for when a boundary is
crossed over and over. And lastly, follow
through with the consequences.
I cannot enter my spouse’s yard or
cross their boundary without their permission.
Too often spouses have falsely
believed that on our wedding day, saying
“I do” means “I can,” giving me
permission to tell my spouse what to
do or who to be. My spouse’s yard is a
sacred place and not even God enters
it without permission—he sees it as
free will.
When a couple interacts, they don’t
go into each other’s yards, they enter
an interactive space where they do
things together and build their relationship
by talking, playing, working
together, being intimate, etc. Conflict
occurs here, but it is also where, as a
couple, they set boundaries together
for the health and safety of their
marriage. Together, spouses decide
boundaries for finances, communication,
relationships, children, intimacy,
recreation, work, privacy and in-laws.
Respectful boundaries that honour
each spouse will allow you both
to relax, feel safe and love each other
well, and in turn, this strengthens the
covenant marriage boundary, creating
security for the relationship.
How to create and
maintain boundaries
When considering personal boundaries,
I want to ask myself some
questions: What is important to me?
What do I value? What boundaries
will help me feel safe, and to relax and
engage more freely in my marriage?
Mutual boundaries are set to create
safety and security for both spouses,
so first take time to talk about what
is important to each of you. Ask each
other: What boundaries will protect
and enrich our marriage? It’s likely you
already have some, but a discussion
together will help build understanding
and prevent any confusion in the future.
Boundaries, both personal and
mutual, are expressions of our values.
They encourage us to build a healthy
relationship and to feel safe and secure
in the marriage. If boundaries are difficult
for you to make or keep, find a
trusted other, such as a counsellor,
to help.
Vicki Hooper is a Certified Clinical Counsellor
at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada’s Hope
Restored marriage intensives.
Understanding
Healthy
Boundaries
UNDERSTANDING HEALTHY
BOUNDARIES
In this free PDF booklet, you will find
practical, biblically based advice for
setting boundaries in marriage, as a
parent and with in-laws.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/BoundariesPDF
AUG / SEP 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA 29