Focus on the Family Magazine - August/September 2023

COUPLES / BOUNDARIES
boundaries in marriage
How to set marriage-strengthening
boundaries with your spouse
BY VICKI HOOPER
BOUNDARIES ARE an expression
of values. They define what I will do
and won’t do; what I allow and don’t
allow; what is okay and not okay for me.
When done well in marriage, boundaries
also create a sense of safety and
freedom for both spouses. Healthy
boundaries help us become who God
designed us to be and allow our marriages
to be as he intended.
All healthy marriages have boundaries;
unhealthy marriages don’t.
Some of us may avoid boundaries
because we believe that love means
we shouldn’t have boundaries at all.
Or perhaps we’re afraid boundaries
will only limit and divide us. However,
boundaries exist in all areas of our
lives and are there to keep us safe.
Think about stop signs and traffic lights,
SIGN UP NOW!
Vicki Hooper and Wayne Reed
explain how you and your spouse
can improve communication
and conflict resolution in this
seven-part video series.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/
EnrichYourMarriage
work hours and budgets, schedules
and property lines—life goes better
with these boundaries in place.
Are boundaries biblical?
The Bible is full of boundaries. God
told Adam and Eve to not eat from
that specific tree. He gave the people
of Israel the 10 commandments.
The book of Proverbs is full of ideas
for creating boundaries. For example,
Proverbs 25:17 advises us: “Seldom
set foot in your neighbor’s house—too
much of you and they will hate you.”
When Jesus lived on earth, he had
his own set of boundaries. He knew he
needed time away from people to rest
(Mark 6:30-32), to be with the Father,
to grieve (Matthew 14:1-3), and to
make decisions (Luke 6:12-13). In Luke
4:28-30, when Jesus declared he was
the Messiah and the people, believing
he was a heretic, angrily forced him
to the edge of a cliff with the intention
of pushing him off, we read, “but he
passed through the crowd and went on
his way.” He set a boundary that said,
“You will not do this to me.”
What are boundaries
in marriage?
Boundaries are vital to a healthy
marriage, and they honour the two
individuals in the relationship. A
boundary tells my spouse what I desire
and what will help me feel loved and
safe in our relationship. For example,
I am an introvert. I am not a morning
person and my brain does not come
online first thing in the morning. Thus,
I have set a simple boundary with
David, my extroverted husband: No
deep theological or intellectual conversations
first thing in the morning.
When that boundary is kept, the morning
is more enjoyable for both of us.
When it’s crossed, it may be humorous
for David because I don’t make sense,
but I’ll say things I regret and feel foolish
and frustrated. This boundary
creates safety for me in our relationship,
and it allows David to know more
about me.
Some boundaries are made by each
spouse and some we make together
for the health of our relationship. For
example, in regard to finances, some
couples set a limit for personal spending—if
either spouse wants to purchase
an item over $100, they talk about it
first. There are boundaries to protect
our relationship where we agree to
not have individual friendships with
someone of the opposite sex—these
boundaries create safety and a sense of
security for our marriage.
AJIJCHAN - ISTOCK
28
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA
AUG / SEP 2023