Focus on the Family Magazine - August/September 2023
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics. Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics.
Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
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COMMUNICATION / COUPLES<br />
Defensive patterns<br />
Even if your spouse isn’t working <strong>on</strong> being less defensive, you can make<br />
a difference by choosing to dismantle your own defensiveness and<br />
interact differently with your partner. Here are some practical steps for<br />
dialing down defensiveness and infusing more compassi<strong>on</strong> into your marriage.<br />
LISTEN NOW!<br />
Hear how God saved Jill and<br />
Mark’s marriage after infidelity.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Radio<br />
Listen to understand, not to resp<strong>on</strong>d.<br />
Most of us are unskilled listeners who<br />
listen to resp<strong>on</strong>d ra<strong>the</strong>r than to understand.<br />
But listening to understand<br />
lets your spouse know she is seen,<br />
heard and valued. This doesn’t mean<br />
you can’t resp<strong>on</strong>d at some point, but<br />
working to understand your spouse’s<br />
perspective before you resp<strong>on</strong>d will<br />
help you keep defensiveness at bay.<br />
Resp<strong>on</strong>d with empathy first.<br />
A great way to express empathy for<br />
your spouse is to start with <strong>the</strong> words,<br />
“I can <strong>on</strong>ly imagine . . .” For instance, if<br />
your spouse says, “The way you just<br />
spoke to me felt like you were parenting<br />
me,” avoid a defensive resp<strong>on</strong>se<br />
like “Well, if you were resp<strong>on</strong>sible, I<br />
wouldn’t have to parent you.” Resp<strong>on</strong>d<br />
instead with empathy: “I can <strong>on</strong>ly<br />
imagine how that made you feel. Thank<br />
you for giving me that feedback.”<br />
If you need to share your<br />
perspective, save it for later.<br />
Good communicati<strong>on</strong> is rarely<br />
efficient. Instead of sharing your perspective<br />
immediately, take some time<br />
to c<strong>on</strong>sider what you’ve heard. Slowing<br />
down your resp<strong>on</strong>se time will greatly<br />
reduce defensiveness.<br />
D<strong>on</strong>’t interrupt your spouse.<br />
Interrupting your spouse is a red flag<br />
that you’re reacting defensively. Let<br />
your spouse finish his thoughts, using<br />
<strong>the</strong> self-c<strong>on</strong>trol God has given you to<br />
listen well and seek to understand.<br />
Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool takes no<br />
pleasure in understanding, but <strong>on</strong>ly in<br />
expressing his opini<strong>on</strong>.” And Proverbs<br />
18:13 tells us, “If <strong>on</strong>e gives an answer<br />
before he hears, it is his folly and<br />
shame.” The Bible has a lot to say about<br />
<strong>the</strong> importance of listening.<br />
Reflect back what you heard.<br />
To make sure you’re listening to understand,<br />
repeat what you think your<br />
spouse is saying: “What I hear you<br />
saying is . . .” Then ask “Is that right?”<br />
Invite your spouse to share more fully<br />
by asking if <strong>the</strong>re’s anything else that<br />
needs to be said. This keeps defensiveness<br />
from creeping in and helps you<br />
focus <strong>on</strong> understanding.<br />
Most importantly, talk to God and<br />
seek His wisdom before talking with<br />
your spouse. When I do this, I often<br />
find I need to work something out in<br />
my heart with God, and I d<strong>on</strong>’t even<br />
need to have a c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong> with my<br />
husband. When I realize that I do need<br />
to talk with Mark, I handle it better<br />
when I’ve talked to God first.<br />
Dialing into God’s perspective and<br />
infinite wisdom is <strong>the</strong> absolute best<br />
way to dial down defensiveness.<br />
Jill Savage and her husband, Mark, are <strong>the</strong><br />
authors of No More Perfect Marriages.<br />
AUG / SEP <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA 27