Focus on the Family Magazine - August/September 2023

COMMUNICATION / COUPLES
Defensive patterns
Even if your spouse isn’t working on being less defensive, you can make
a difference by choosing to dismantle your own defensiveness and
interact differently with your partner. Here are some practical steps for
dialing down defensiveness and infusing more compassion into your marriage.
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Listen to understand, not to respond.
Most of us are unskilled listeners who
listen to respond rather than to understand.
But listening to understand
lets your spouse know she is seen,
heard and valued. This doesn’t mean
you can’t respond at some point, but
working to understand your spouse’s
perspective before you respond will
help you keep defensiveness at bay.
Respond with empathy first.
A great way to express empathy for
your spouse is to start with the words,
“I can only imagine . . .” For instance, if
your spouse says, “The way you just
spoke to me felt like you were parenting
me,” avoid a defensive response
like “Well, if you were responsible, I
wouldn’t have to parent you.” Respond
instead with empathy: “I can only
imagine how that made you feel. Thank
you for giving me that feedback.”
If you need to share your
perspective, save it for later.
Good communication is rarely
efficient. Instead of sharing your perspective
immediately, take some time
to consider what you’ve heard. Slowing
down your response time will greatly
reduce defensiveness.
Don’t interrupt your spouse.
Interrupting your spouse is a red flag
that you’re reacting defensively. Let
your spouse finish his thoughts, using
the self-control God has given you to
listen well and seek to understand.
Proverbs 18:2 says, “A fool takes no
pleasure in understanding, but only in
expressing his opinion.” And Proverbs
18:13 tells us, “If one gives an answer
before he hears, it is his folly and
shame.” The Bible has a lot to say about
the importance of listening.
Reflect back what you heard.
To make sure you’re listening to understand,
repeat what you think your
spouse is saying: “What I hear you
saying is . . .” Then ask “Is that right?”
Invite your spouse to share more fully
by asking if there’s anything else that
needs to be said. This keeps defensiveness
from creeping in and helps you
focus on understanding.
Most importantly, talk to God and
seek His wisdom before talking with
your spouse. When I do this, I often
find I need to work something out in
my heart with God, and I don’t even
need to have a conversation with my
husband. When I realize that I do need
to talk with Mark, I handle it better
when I’ve talked to God first.
Dialing into God’s perspective and
infinite wisdom is the absolute best
way to dial down defensiveness.
Jill Savage and her husband, Mark, are the
authors of No More Perfect Marriages.
AUG / SEP 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA 27