Focus on the Family Magazine - August/September 2023

COUPLES / COMMUNICATION
conversation 2.0
Improve communication
by dismantling defensiveness
in your marriage
BY JILL SAVAGE ILLUSTRATIONS BY SARAH WILKINS
MY HUSBAND and our high school
son went for a summer bike ride. As
the sun set, I kept expecting them to
ride down our driveway. When darkness
fell, I texted Mark, but by that
point, my communication was loaded
with anxiety, fear and frustration.
Mark eventually texted that they
were almost home. He could have
matched my emotional intensity with
a defensive response, but he didn’t.
Instead, he disarmed my emotions
with a gentle, empathetic response and
then continued the conversation after
they arrived home.
Conflict was averted. I felt heard and
valued, and our relationship remained
intact. Over the years, Mark and I have
learned to dial down defensiveness in
our marriage.
Better versions
of ourselves
Mark and I often say we’ve been married
39 years—29 of them happily. No,
there weren’t 10 bad years in a row.
There were simply a lot of ups and
downs. We’ve worked hard on our relationship
over the years and now call
ourselves Mark and Jill 2.0. Dialing
down defensiveness has been a big
part of this makeover.
Defensiveness usually rears its
ugly head when we receive what we
perceive as negative feedback from
our spouse. When we’re defensive,
the reasons for our actions become
more important than the relationship
itself. Learning to let go of defensiveness
happens when the relationship
becomes more important than the
reasons.
In the past, Mark likely would have
defended his reasons for continuing
to ride in the dark. He wouldn’t have
addressed how his decision caused me
to worry. This time, he focused on our
relationship and let go of the reasons.
By listening and responding to my fear
and anxiety, he kept defensiveness out
of the picture.
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY CANADA
AUG / SEP 2023