Get It - Dec 2012

Beware
what you wish for
I have to admit that every time the
Christams season approaches I break
into cold sweats and have sleepless
nights.
The reason for this is quite simple
- Christmas gifts! T hese prettily
wrapped presents fill me with
dread in so many ways.
Firstly, having to decide on
suitable items for friends and
family is stressful enough, you
have to work out a budget, think
about what everyone likes, make
sure one doesn’t buy a bigger,
better, nicer gift for one person
at the expense of another - and
then you have to wrap them
all up.
This involves brightly
coloured paper, miles of sticky
tape and little bows.
For some unknown reason the
presents that I am required to
buy never come in square boxes,
but rather in the oddest and most
impossible shapes and sizes which
require paper folding skills that even
an origami expert would be baffled
by.
To be honest this frightens me
enough, but what really strikes dread
into me is the receiving of gifts.
While I try my best, I am one of those
unfortunates who battles to lie with a
straight face, and although I have spent
hours in front of the bathroom mirror
practising a look of delight and surprise, it
never quite comes off properly.
This is especially true when I open
the annual parcel from my doting
grandmother and find yet
another pair of
striped
socks and the traditional hand-knitted
cardigan.
The look of disappointment on her
face each year is enough to send me into
months of penance and self flagellation
for breaking her dear heart yet again.
However, while close family will forgive
and forget, it is with the significant other
that things can go really wrong.
I recall a life changing incident
numerous years ago.
It involved the squeeze at the time and
went something like this.
Arriving at her house with my carefully
wrapped present for her, I began a
tirade against my family who, to the last
member, had bought me silk boxer shorts.
I had built up a huge head of steam over
the course of the day and I let vent with
gusto.
While I ranted and raved over the quality
of people who lacked originality and
who could not think of any other gift
than silk undergarments, I failed to notice
the colour drain from her face, then the
mounting redness before she burst into
tears.
Still not thinking straight, I
imagined they were tears of joy at the
thoughtfulness and beauty of my gift to
her.
I thus quickly opened mine knowing
it would be a wondrous present and
we would bask in our mutual love and
gratefulness to the other.
Unfortunately, it was not to be as inside
my wrapping paper was...
yep, silken boxer shorts.
Needless to say the girlfriend didn’t last,
but I do still have those under shorts.
So, before unwrapping your gifts this
year, remember this cautionary tale and
follow this simple tip - keep your mouth
firmly closed and plaster a huge smile on
your face and you’ll be certain
to have a very merry
Christmas.
26 Get It Zululand December 12