AUGUST 2005
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had three young children to raise alone — and was<br />
only 23 years old.<br />
“I remember all of my emotions being frozen,”<br />
she said. “My biggest worry was for my children<br />
and how they would grow up without a father.”<br />
Yono had many challenges facing her. “All of<br />
my family was still in Iraq, I didn’t have any skills<br />
to work and I didn’t know how to drive a car,” she<br />
said. “I even had to borrow money to bury my husband.”<br />
Yono had no idea how to act and wondered<br />
how she would fit in with her in-laws. She still<br />
wanted to wear her wedding ring<br />
but always wondered what others<br />
would think and say. “I felt pain<br />
and anger and was overwhelmed<br />
by all these challenges,” she said.<br />
Yono decided to educate herself<br />
and work to support her children.<br />
“While studying, my<br />
youngest daughter would climb<br />
into my bed with me and my stack<br />
of books,” she recalled. “This was<br />
sometimes the only time she<br />
would see me.”<br />
There is a saying Yono uses<br />
when counseling widows: “Doors<br />
open, doors close.” She said it gives<br />
hope that not only can widows recover, but also<br />
grow. “My door opened when I found my life’s purpose<br />
— helping others with their grief,” she said.<br />
Running the Southfield Funeral Home with her<br />
husband, Jerry, allows her to reach out to widows<br />
and their families. She conducts a widows’ grief<br />
support group that allows women to get in touch<br />
with their feelings and gives them permission to<br />
find their pathway through the challenges they face.<br />
“I encourage widows to help one another because it<br />
heals the helper just as much,” Yono said.<br />
“Not only<br />
can widows<br />
recover, but<br />
also grow”<br />
– FERIYAL YONO<br />
THE STIGMA OF REMARRYING<br />
There was once a time where widowhood<br />
carried a strong stigma and<br />
remarriage was rare. The Bible says<br />
to treat widows with kindness<br />
because a widow, confused about<br />
the present and worried about her<br />
future, may feel alone.<br />
“Well-meaning family and<br />
friends offered advice about how I<br />
should be acting and feeling,” Ilham<br />
said. This included some<br />
people encouraging her to<br />
remarry, while others<br />
warned against it. “Only the<br />
widow can make the decision<br />
as to whether remarriage<br />
is appropriate for her or<br />
not,” said Ilham.<br />
If the widowed do choose<br />
to remarry, it’s often after an<br />
extended period of mourning.<br />
“To me, the opportunity<br />
to find a suitable husband<br />
lessens,” Ilham said. “I am<br />
just not interested in finding<br />
another love.”<br />
The thought alone of remarriage<br />
is difficult when young children are<br />
involved. They might feel their<br />
parent is trying to replace the other. “A spouse is not<br />
replaceable,” Ilham said. “They are unique, the love<br />
of your life. We are not looking to rush out and get<br />
a replacement.” Many widows interviewed by The<br />
Chaldean News have said they won’t marry again.<br />
After her second husband died, Yono remained a<br />
widow for 15 years. “I was expected and encouraged to<br />
remarry even though my kids were young and needed<br />
LEARNING<br />
TO COPE<br />
With personal experience and<br />
years of counseling, Feriyal<br />
Yono offers widows some<br />
valuable advice and coping<br />
mechanisms.<br />
• Keep busy. Fill your days<br />
with worthwhile stuff. Get<br />
involved in community affairs,<br />
volunteer to do charitable<br />
work, take a trip and associate<br />
with your family and friends.<br />
• Don’t spend too much<br />
time thinking of the past. If<br />
your mind does take a stroll<br />
down memory lane, force it to<br />
remember those beautiful<br />
moments. Linger on lovely<br />
things; do not embrace those<br />
traumas that hurt you. Most<br />
bad things have already taken<br />
their pound of flesh; don’t give<br />
them any more. Fill your mind<br />
with thoughts of happiness,<br />
good health and bright hope.<br />
• Count your blessings, not<br />
your troubles. Instead of saying,<br />
“I miss him so much,”<br />
say, “I had him for X number<br />
of years.” Maybe you will find<br />
a religious response helpful:<br />
“My husband is in heaven,<br />
where life is more beautiful<br />
than life on earth.”<br />
my complete devotion,” she said.<br />
“Many people thought it was the<br />
only way I could possibly survive.”<br />
When her children were grown, it<br />
was then that she met Jerry, her current<br />
husband of 23 years.<br />
“After raising my kids and<br />
becoming educated and self supportive,<br />
people looked down on<br />
me for wanting to marry for love<br />
and companionship,” She said.<br />
“We quickly learned who our true<br />
friends were.”<br />
Men often have a harder time<br />
socially adjusting to the death of a<br />
spouse than do women. That’s<br />
because women are usually the<br />
emotional and social anchors of<br />
the family. When they die, their<br />
husbands can feel emotionally<br />
and socially adrift. Because most<br />
men work, taking care of kids and<br />
balancing work after their wife<br />
passes away takes its toll — leading<br />
to a higher likelihood of men<br />
remarrying sooner.<br />
There are no hard and fast rules<br />
as to the period of grieving. Some<br />
widows find with support from family<br />
and friends they are soon able to<br />
once again look forward to living. Others grieve for<br />
many years before they are able to even cope with the<br />
idea of trying to find a new life. Still others are never<br />
quite able to pick up the pieces.<br />
“The right thing to do is to realize that your<br />
friends and family love you and want to be there<br />
for you,” Ilham said. “Take advantage of that<br />
while they are still around.”<br />
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R.D. M.S. REGISTERED<br />
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<strong>AUGUST</strong> <strong>2005</strong> CHALDEAN NEWS 39