AUGUST 2005

had three young children to raise alone — and was
only 23 years old.
“I remember all of my emotions being frozen,”
she said. “My biggest worry was for my children
and how they would grow up without a father.”
Yono had many challenges facing her. “All of
my family was still in Iraq, I didn’t have any skills
to work and I didn’t know how to drive a car,” she
said. “I even had to borrow money to bury my husband.”
Yono had no idea how to act and wondered
how she would fit in with her in-laws. She still
wanted to wear her wedding ring
but always wondered what others
would think and say. “I felt pain
and anger and was overwhelmed
by all these challenges,” she said.
Yono decided to educate herself
and work to support her children.
“While studying, my
youngest daughter would climb
into my bed with me and my stack
of books,” she recalled. “This was
sometimes the only time she
would see me.”
There is a saying Yono uses
when counseling widows: “Doors
open, doors close.” She said it gives
hope that not only can widows recover, but also
grow. “My door opened when I found my life’s purpose
— helping others with their grief,” she said.
Running the Southfield Funeral Home with her
husband, Jerry, allows her to reach out to widows
and their families. She conducts a widows’ grief
support group that allows women to get in touch
with their feelings and gives them permission to
find their pathway through the challenges they face.
“I encourage widows to help one another because it
heals the helper just as much,” Yono said.
“Not only
can widows
recover, but
also grow”
– FERIYAL YONO
THE STIGMA OF REMARRYING
There was once a time where widowhood
carried a strong stigma and
remarriage was rare. The Bible says
to treat widows with kindness
because a widow, confused about
the present and worried about her
future, may feel alone.
“Well-meaning family and
friends offered advice about how I
should be acting and feeling,” Ilham
said. This included some
people encouraging her to
remarry, while others
warned against it. “Only the
widow can make the decision
as to whether remarriage
is appropriate for her or
not,” said Ilham.
If the widowed do choose
to remarry, it’s often after an
extended period of mourning.
“To me, the opportunity
to find a suitable husband
lessens,” Ilham said. “I am
just not interested in finding
another love.”
The thought alone of remarriage
is difficult when young children are
involved. They might feel their
parent is trying to replace the other. “A spouse is not
replaceable,” Ilham said. “They are unique, the love
of your life. We are not looking to rush out and get
a replacement.” Many widows interviewed by The
Chaldean News have said they won’t marry again.
After her second husband died, Yono remained a
widow for 15 years. “I was expected and encouraged to
remarry even though my kids were young and needed
LEARNING
TO COPE
With personal experience and
years of counseling, Feriyal
Yono offers widows some
valuable advice and coping
mechanisms.
• Keep busy. Fill your days
with worthwhile stuff. Get
involved in community affairs,
volunteer to do charitable
work, take a trip and associate
with your family and friends.
• Don’t spend too much
time thinking of the past. If
your mind does take a stroll
down memory lane, force it to
remember those beautiful
moments. Linger on lovely
things; do not embrace those
traumas that hurt you. Most
bad things have already taken
their pound of flesh; don’t give
them any more. Fill your mind
with thoughts of happiness,
good health and bright hope.
• Count your blessings, not
your troubles. Instead of saying,
“I miss him so much,”
say, “I had him for X number
of years.” Maybe you will find
a religious response helpful:
“My husband is in heaven,
where life is more beautiful
than life on earth.”
my complete devotion,” she said.
“Many people thought it was the
only way I could possibly survive.”
When her children were grown, it
was then that she met Jerry, her current
husband of 23 years.
“After raising my kids and
becoming educated and self supportive,
people looked down on
me for wanting to marry for love
and companionship,” She said.
“We quickly learned who our true
friends were.”
Men often have a harder time
socially adjusting to the death of a
spouse than do women. That’s
because women are usually the
emotional and social anchors of
the family. When they die, their
husbands can feel emotionally
and socially adrift. Because most
men work, taking care of kids and
balancing work after their wife
passes away takes its toll — leading
to a higher likelihood of men
remarrying sooner.
There are no hard and fast rules
as to the period of grieving. Some
widows find with support from family
and friends they are soon able to
once again look forward to living. Others grieve for
many years before they are able to even cope with the
idea of trying to find a new life. Still others are never
quite able to pick up the pieces.
“The right thing to do is to realize that your
friends and family love you and want to be there
for you,” Ilham said. “Take advantage of that
while they are still around.”
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www.Pamshealthydiet.com
PAMELA THOMAS HADDAD,
R.D. M.S. REGISTERED
DIETITIAN/ HEALTH
EDUCATOR
“Registered Dietitians
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Office located in
Farmington Hills
32841 Middlebelt Road
AUGUST 2005 CHALDEAN NEWS 39