quiet-the-power-of-introverts-in-a-world-that-cant-stop-talking-susan-cain
and flattens her affect during fightswith Greg, she thinks she’s being respectfulby taking the trouble not to lether negative emotions show. But Gregthinks she’s checking out or, worse,that she doesn’t give a damn. Similarly,when Greg lets his anger fly, he assumesthat Emily feels, as he does, thatthis is a healthy and honest expressionof their deeply committed relationship.But to Emily, it’s as if Greg has suddenlyturned on her.658/929In her book Anger: The MisunderstoodEmotion, Carol Tavris recounts a storyabout a Bengali cobra that liked to bitepassing villagers. One day a swami—aman who has achieved self-mastery—convincesthe snake that biting is
wrong. The cobra vows to stop immediately,and does. Before long, the villageboys grow unafraid of the snake andstart to abuse him. Battered and bloodied,the snake complains to the swamithat this is what came of keeping hispromise.“I told you not to bite,” said theswami, “but I did not tell you not tohiss.”“Many people, like the swami’s cobra,confuse the hiss with the bite,”writes Tavris.Many people—like Greg and Emily.Both have much to learn from theswami’s story: Greg to stop biting,Emily that it’s OK for him—and forher—to hiss.Greg can start by changing his assumptionsabout anger. He believes, asmost of us do, that venting anger letsoff steam. The “catharsis659/929
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wrong. The cobra vows to stop immediately,
and does. Before long, the village
boys grow unafraid of the snake and
start to abuse him. Battered and bloodied,
the snake complains to the swami
that this is what came of keeping his
promise.
“I told you not to bite,” said the
swami, “but I did not tell you not to
hiss.”
“Many people, like the swami’s cobra,
confuse the hiss with the bite,”
writes Tavris.
Many people—like Greg and Emily.
Both have much to learn from the
swami’s story: Greg to stop biting,
Emily that it’s OK for him—and for
her—to hiss.
Greg can start by changing his assumptions
about anger. He believes, as
most of us do, that venting anger lets
off steam. The “catharsis
659/929
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