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disagree, her voice gets quiet and flat,

her manner slightly distant. What she’s

trying to do is minimize aggression—Emily

is uncomfortable with anger—but

she appears to be receding

emotionally. Meanwhile, Greg does just

the opposite, raising his voice and

sounding belligerent as he gets ever

more engaged in working out their

problem. The more Emily seems to

withdraw, the more alone, then hurt,

then enraged Greg becomes; the angrier

he gets, the more hurt and distaste

Emily feels, and the deeper she retreats.

Pretty soon they’re locked in a destructive

cycle from which they can’t escape,

partly because both spouses believe

they’re arguing in an appropriate

manner.

This dynamic shouldn’t surprise anyone

familiar with the relationship

between personality and conflict

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