Untitled - CSUN ScholarWorks - California State University, Northridge

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I turn the page and it is August once again staring me
in the face and not letting go of the hand the left one that
hurts like the memory of that time I fell so hard for you that
my knees bruised and bled for days and lying here on my
stomach I feel my blood course through my veins and
shake the mattress ever so slightly and later I open my eyes
to see who is sitting on the edge of my bed and there is no
one there. I am alone. Closing eyes, dreaming again and
waking again and trying to realize life for what it is, a
superdilemma unwarranted and without a gift receipt so
never to be able to return it for another newer shinier more
suitable one. I don't think it is right for us to be forced to
live in bodies not of our own choosing. This skin, this
wrapper, this outer layer is too thick or thin or dark or pale.
It is not what I expected, not what I wanted, not acceptable
and I demand a reason for this mix up. I feel shiny and
glossy and bright and yet the brown paper package is tied
up with string and a stamp is placed on the left side,
crooked and black and it reads "Delivery" and I dream of
this deliverance which does not come and leaves me
stranded on this mattress, heat still slapping my bare legs
and sealing me to the sheets as the glue air settles onto my
skin hydrated with beads of sweat trickling into my eyes,
my hairline and brushing away the dead mosquito laden
with a milligram of blood donorship I remain as calm as a
wake and as still as a corpse and continue to stare at the
wall that will remain there forever and will keep slamming
me against itself as I try to pass through it by pure will but
it's never really that painful really it only smarts once in a
while, the muscles I mean as I lay dying wondering when
the final word will be the last one uttered from the mouth
forming breathing through the esophagus and suspended
in mid-air for awhile it will hover over my lips, my chest
and keep rising for all to hear and they will wonder why