Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2023

COMMUNICATION / COUPLES
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Mark and Jill Savage share their
personal story of rebuilding trust
in their marriage.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
to understand that when she was
young and her stepdad was quiet, it
usually meant that he was angry with
her. When she married, she automatically
assigned the same meaning to her
husband’s silence. There was only one
problem: Her husband was simply a
quiet guy.
Resist making assumptions
Over the course of our marriage, Mark
and I have learned to resist making
assumptions about each other. Here are
three strategies we’ve found helpful.
Be aware of the lenses you see life
through. Our perspectives can be
accurate at times and terribly distorted
at other times. Think about the experiences
you’ve had that shaped the
way you see life. Some common lenses
are fear, loss, rejection, shame, hopelessness,
avoidance, people pleasing,
resignation and anger. As you process
your spouse’s actions or words, ask
yourself, What lens am I viewing this
through?
Ask what you’re thinking. When
Mark expresses concerns about my
ideas, instead of making assumptions,
I can bring my thoughts out of the
shadows and ask questions to clarify
what he means. For example, I might
say, “You’re expressing fear about
doing this. Are you saying you don’t
want to do it, or are you just processing
your thoughts and feelings?”
My friend with the quiet husband
might say to him, “When I was a child
and my stepdad got quiet, he was usually
angry with me. I notice you’re
quiet today. Does that mean you’re
angry with me?”
Push your thoughts in a more
accurate direction. Our thoughts are
powerful, and they can mislead us in
powerfully destructive ways. That’s
why we need to “take every thought
captive” (2 Corinthians 10:5). When
you find yourself making wrong
assumptions, pause before reacting
and work to recognize how your
own lens is distorting your view of the
situation.
Using these strategies can help you
let go of assumptions and focus
instead on what your spouse is actually
thinking, feeling and intending
to communicate. Don’t let wrong
assumptions make your path rocky.
Instead, clear up any false expectations
and misunderstandings for a more
pleasant future together. •
Jill Savage is the host of the “No More Perfect
Podcast” and co-authored the book No More
Perfect Marriages with her husband, Mark.
APRIL / MAY 2023 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19