Crucial_Conversations

7
Good Night and Good-Bye!
To see how to discuss sensitive issues, let’s look at an enormously difficult problem. Bob has just walked in the door, and his wife, Carole, looks
upset. He can tell from her swollen eyes that she’s been crying. Only when he walks in the door, Carole doesn’t turn to him for comfort. Instead, she
looks at him with an expression that says, “How could you?” Bob doesn’t know it yet, but Carole thinks he’s having an affair. He’s not.
How did Carole come to this dangerous and wrong conclusion? Earlier that day she had been going over the credit card statement when she
noticed a charge from the Good Night Motel—a cheap place located not more than a mile from their home. “Why would he stay in a motel so close
to home?” she wonders. “And why didn’t I know about it?” Then it hits her—“That unfaithful jerk!”
Now what’s the worst way Carole might handle this (one that doesn’t involve packing up and moving back to Australia)? What’s the worst way of
talking about the problem? Most people agree that jumping in with an ugly accusation followed by a threat is a good candidate for that distinction.
It’s also what most people do, and Carole is no exception.
Outspoken by whom?
—DOROTHY PARKER,
WHEN TOLD THAT SHE WAS VERY OUTSPOKEN
STATE My Path
How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively
So far we’ve gone to great pains to prepare ourselves to step up to and master crucial conversations. Here’s what we’ve learned. Our hearts need
to be in the right place. We need to pay close attention to crucial conversations—particularly when people start feeling unsafe—and restore safety
when necessary. And heaven forbid that we should tell ourselves clever and unhelpful stories.
So let’s say that we are well prepared. We’re ready to open our mouths and start sharing our point of view. That’s right, we’re actually going to
express our opinion. Now what?
Most of the time, we walk into a discussion and slide into autopilot. “Hi, how are the kids? What’s going on at work?” What could be easier than
talking? We know thousands of words and generally weave them into sentences that suit our needs. Most of the time.
However, when stakes rise and our emotions kick in, well, that’s when we open our mouths and don’t do so well. In fact, as we suggested earlier,
the more important the discussion, the less likely we are to be on our best behavior. More specifically, we advocate or express our views quite
poorly.
To help us improve our advocacy skills, we’ll examine two challenging situations. First, we’ll look at five skills for talking when what we have to say
could easily make others defensive. Second, we’ll explore how these same skills help us state our opinions when we believe so strongly in
something that we risk shutting others down rather than opening them up to our ideas.
SHARE RISKY MEANING
Adding information to the pool of meaning can be quite difficult when the ideas we’re about to pour into the collective consciousness contain
delicate, unattractive, or controversial opinions.
“I’m sorry, Marta, but people simply don’t like working with you. You’ve been asked to leave the special-projects team.”
It’s one thing to argue that your company needs to shift from green to red packaging; it’s quite another to tell a person that he or she is offensive
or unlikable. When the topic turns from things to people, it’s always more difficult, and to nobody’s surprise, some people are better at it than others.
When it comes to sharing touchy information, the worst alternate between bluntly dumping their ideas into the pool of meaning and saying nothing
at all. Either they start with, “You’re not going to like this, but, hey, somebody has to be honest . . .” (a classic Fool’s Choice), or they simply stay
mum.
Fearful they could easily destroy a healthy relationship, those who are good at dialogue say some of what’s on their minds, but they understate
their views out of fear of hurting others. They talk all right, but they carefully sugarcoat their message.
The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it
as well. They are both totally frank and completely respectful.
MAINTAIN SAFETY
In order to speak honestly when honesty could easily offend others, we have to find a way to maintain safety. That’s a bit like telling someone to
smash another person in the nose, but, you know, don’t hurt him. How can we speak the unspeakable and still maintain respect? Actually, it can be
done if you know how to carefully blend three ingredients—confidence, humility, and skill.
Confidence. Most people simply won’t hold delicate conversations—well, at least not with the right person. For instance, your colleague Brian
goes home at night and tells his wife that his boss, Fernando, is micromanaging him to within an inch of his life. He says the same thing over lunch
when talking with his pals. Everyone knows what Brian thinks about Fernando—except, of course, Fernando.
People who are skilled at dialogue have the confidence to say what needs to be said to the person who needs to hear it. They are confident that
their opinions deserve to be placed in the pool of meaning. They are also confident that they can speak openly without brutalizing others or causing
undue offense.
Humility. Confidence does not equate to arrogance or pigheadedness. Skilled people are confident that they have something to say, but also
realize that others have valuable input. They are humble enough to realize that they don’t have a monopoly on the truth nor do they always have to
win their way. Their opinions provide a starting point but not the final word. They may currently believe something but realize that with new
information they may change their minds. This means they’re willing to both express their opinions and encourage others to do the same.
Skill. Finally, people who willingly share delicate information are good at doing it. That’s why they’re confident in the first place. They don’t make
a Fool’s Choice, because they’ve found a path that allows for both candor and safety. They speak the unspeakable, and people are grateful for their
honesty.