• Look for outbreaks of your Style Under Stress.
5A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in baskets of silver.—PROVERBS 25:11Make It SafeHow to Make It Safe to Talk About Almost AnythingThe last chapter contained a promise: If you spot safety risks as they happen, you can step out of the conversation, build safety, and then find a wayto talk about just about anything. In this chapter, we’ll fulfill that promise by teaching what it takes to restore safety.To get started, let’s eavesdrop on a couple as they try to discuss one of the most delicate of topics—physical intimacy.First a little background. Jotham thinks he and Yvonne are intimate with each other far too seldom. Yvonne is satisfied with their physicalrelationship. For years, the two have acted out rather than talked out their concerns. When Jotham wants to be amorous and Yvonne doesn’trespond, he goes to silence. He pouts, says almost nothing, and avoids Yvonne for the next few days.Yvonne knows what’s going on with Jotham. Occasionally she’ll go along with him even when she’s not feeling particularly romantic. She doesthis in hopes of avoiding Jotham’s pouting. Unfortunately, she then feels resentful toward Jotham, and it’s much longer before she feels genuinelyaffectionate toward him.So here’s the game. The more Jotham insists and pouts, the less attractive and interesting he is to Yvonne. The more Yvonne succumbs and thenresents, the less she’s interested in the relationship. The more both of them act out rather than talk out this crucial conversation, the more likely theyare to end up going their separate ways. Yvonne has decided to broach the subject with Jotham. Rather than waiting until they’re both upset, she’spicked a time when they’re relaxing on the couch. Here goes.YVONNE: Jotham, can we talk about what happened last night—you know, when I told you that I was tired?JOTHAM: I don’t know if I’m in the mood.YVONNE: What’s that supposed to mean?JOTHAM: I’m sick and tired of you deciding when we do what!YVONNE: (walks out)STEP OUT. MAKE IT SAFE. THEN STEP BACK INOkay, let’s look at Yvonne. She tried to tackle a tough topic. Good for her. She was already uncomfortable and her partner took a cheap shot at her.Some help he was. Now what should she do? How can she get back to honest and healthy dialogue? What do you do when you don’t feel like it’ssafe to share what’s on your mind?The key is to step out of the content of the conversation. Don’t stay stuck in what’s being said. Yvonne exited because she was focused on whatJotham was saying. If she had been looking at Jotham’s conditions of dialogue, she would have spotted his use of sarcasm—a form of silence.Rather than talking openly about his concern and adding to the Pool of Shared Meaning, he’s taking a potshot. Why would he do that? Because hedoesn’t feel safe using dialogue.Unfortunately, Yvonne then missed this point. Now, we’re not suggesting that Jotham’s behavior is acceptable, or that Yvonne should put up withit. But first things first—Start with Heart. The first question is: “What do I really want?”If you really want to have a healthy conversation about a topic that will make or break your relationship, then for a moment or two you may have toset aside confronting the current issue—i.e., Jotham’s sarcasm.At this moment, Yvonne needs to build safety—enough to talk about their physical relationship, about the way Jotham is dealing with it, or aboutany other concerns. But if she doesn’t make it safe, all she’s going to experience is an unhealthy continuation of the silence and violence games.So, what should she do?In these circumstances, the worst at dialogue do what both Jotham and Yvonne did. Like Jotham, they totally ignore the crying need for moresafety. They say whatever is on their minds— with no regard for how it will be received. Or like Yvonne, they conclude the topic is completely unsafeand move to silence.The good realize that safety is at risk, but they fix it in exactly the wrong way. They try to make the subject more palatable by sugarcoating theirmessage. “Oh, honey, I really want to be with you but I’m under a lot of pressure at work, and the stress makes it hard for me to enjoy our timetogether.” They try to make things safer by watering down or dressing up their content. This strategy, of course, avoids the real problem, and it nevergets fixed.The best don’t play games. Period. They know that in order to solve their problem, they’ll need to talk about their problem—with no pretending,sugarcoating, or faking. So they do something completely different. They step out of the content of the conversation, make it safe, and then stepback in. Once safety is restored, they can talk about nearly anything.For example, Yvonne gets back on the path of dialogue by saying: “Can we change gears for a minute? I’d like to talk about what happens whenwe’re not romantically in sync. It would be good if we could both share what’s working and what isn’t. My goal isn’t to make you feel guilty, and Icertainly don’t want to become defensive. What I’d really love is for us to come up with a solution that makes us both satisfied in our relationship.”NOTICE WHICH CONDITION IS AT RISKNow, let’s look at what Yvonne just did to establish safety—even though the topic was high risk, controversial, and emotional. She realized that thefirst step to building safety comes with understanding which of two different conditions of safety is at risk. Each requires a different solution.Mutual Purpose—the Entrance ConditionWhy Talk in the First Place?
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- Page 8 and 9: Foreword to the Second EditionNo on
- Page 10 and 11: PrefaceWhen we published Crucial Co
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Conditions of conversation:dual-pro
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beginning your path with, 140gettin
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Paraphrasing, 164-165Parker, Doroth
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excessive advocacy in, 150-153faile
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About the AuthorsThis award-winning