Crucial_Conversations

Meaning: Your idea is insane, and people will fight it with their last breath.
“Oh yeah, that’ll work like a charm. Offer people a discount, and they’ll drive all the way across town just to save six cents on a box of soap.
Where do you come up with this stuff?”
Meaning: What a dumb idea.
• Avoiding involves steering completely away from sensitive subjects. We talk, but without addressing the real issues.
“How does your new suit look? Well, you know that blue’s my favorite color.”
Meaning: What happened? Did you buy your clothes at the circus?
Speaking of ideas for cost cutting—what if we diluted the coffee? Or used both sides of our copier paper?
Meaning: If I offer trivial suggestions perhaps we can avoid discussing sensitive things like staff inefficiency.
• Withdrawing means pulling out of a conversation altogether. We either exit the conversation or exit the room.
“Excuse me. I’ve got to take this call.”
Meaning: I’d rather gnaw off my own arm than spend one more minute in this useless meeting.
“Sorry, I’m not going to talk about how to split up the phone bill again. I’m not sure our friendship can stand another battle.” (Exits.)
Meaning: We can’t talk about even the simplest of topics without arguing.
Violence
Violence consists of any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view. It violates safety by trying to force
meaning into the pool. Methods range from name-calling and monologuing to making threats. The three most common forms are controlling,
labeling, and attacking.
• Controlling consists of coercing others to your way of thinking. It’s done through either forcing your views on others or dominating the
conversation. Methods include cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to
control the conversation.
“There’s not a person in the world who hasn’t bought one of these things. They’re the perfect gift.”
Meaning: I can’t justify spending our hard-earned savings on this expensive toy, but I really want it.
“We tried their product, but it was an absolute disaster. Everyone knows that they can’t deliver on time and that they offer the worst customer
service on the planet.”
Meaning: I’m not certain of the real facts, so I’ll use hyperbole to get your attention.
• Labeling is putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.
“Your ideas are practically Neanderthal. Any thinking person would follow my plan.”
Meaning: I can’t argue my case on its merits, so to get what I want I’ll attack you personally.
“You’re not going to listen to them are you? For crying out loud! First, they’re from headquarters. Second, they’re engineers. Need I say
more?”
Meaning: If I pretend that all people from headquarters and all engineers are somehow bad and wrong, I won’t have to explain anything.
• Attacking speaks for itself. You’ve moved from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Tactics include belittling and threatening.
“Try that stupid little stunt and see what happens.”
Meaning: I will get my way on this even if I have to bad-mouth you and threaten some vague punishment.
“Don’t listen to a word Jim is saying. I’m sorry Jim, but I’m on to you. You’re just trying to make it better for your team while making the rest of
us suffer. I’ve seen you do it before. You’re a real jerk, you know that? I’m sorry, but someone has to have the guts to tell it like it is.”
Meaning: To get my way, I’ll say bad things about you and then pretend that I’m the only one with any integrity.
Look for Your Style Under Stress
Let’s say you’ve been watching for both content and conditions. You’re paying special attention to when a conversation turns crucial. To catch this
important moment, you’re looking for signs that safety is at risk. As safety is violated, you even know to watch for various forms of silence and
violence. So are you now fully armed? Have you seen all there is to see?
Actually, no. Perhaps the most difficult element to watch closely as you’re madly dual-processing is your own behavior. Frankly, most people have
trouble pulling themselves away from the tractor beam of the argument at hand. Then you’ve got the problem other people present as they employ
all kinds of tactics. You’ve got to watch them like a hawk. It’s little wonder that paying close attention to your own behavior tends to take a back-seat.
Besides, it’s not like you can actually step out of your body and observe yourself. You’re on the wrong side of your eyeballs.
Low self-monitors. The truth is, we all have trouble monitoring our own behavior at times. We usually lose any semblance of social sensitivity
when we become so consumed with ideas and causes that we lose track of what we’re doing. We try to bully our way through. We speak when we
shouldn’t. We withdraw into a punishing silence. We do things that don’t work—all in the name of a cause. We eventually become so unaware that
we become a bit like this fellow of Jack Handy’s invention.