Booktree.ngIt-Starts-with-Us-Colleen-Hoover

reaction I’m having is too big for what just happened, or maybe that’s just
how I’ve conditioned myself to feel when I’m around Ryle. Maybe it’s a
combination of that and my lack of sleep. Maybe it’s the date with Atlas
that I almost ruined. Whatever it is that’s making me react so intensely
catches up with me right outside of Allysa’s apartment door.
I need a moment to collect my emotions before being near my daughter,
so I sit on the floor of the hallway to cry it out. I like to shed tears in
private. Happens quite regularly, unfortunately, but I’ve been finding myself
getting overwhelmed a lot. Divorce is overwhelming; being a single mother
is overwhelming; running a business is overwhelming; dealing with an exhusband
who still scares you is overwhelming.
And then there’s that splinter of fear that creeps into my conscience
when Ryle says something to suggest our divorce was a mistake. Because
sometimes I do wonder if my life wouldn’t be so overwhelming if I still had
a husband who shared some of the burdens of raising his child. And
sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting by not allowing my daughter to
have overnights with her own father. Relationships and custody agreements
don’t come with a blueprint, unfortunately.
I don’t know if every move I make is the right one, but I’m doing my
best. I don’t need his manipulation and gaslighting on top of that.
I wish I were at home; I would walk straight to my jewelry box and pull
out the list of reminders. I should take a picture of it so I always have it on
my phone in the future. I definitely underestimate how difficult and
confusing interactions with Ryle can be.
How do people leave these cycles when they don’t have the resources I
had or the support from their friends and family? How do they possibly stay
strong enough every second of the day? I feel like all it takes is one weak,
insecure moment in the presence of your ex to convince yourself you made
the wrong decision.
Anyone who has ever left a manipulative, abusive spouse and somehow
stayed that course deserves a medal. A statue. A freaking superhero movie.
Society has obviously been worshipping the wrong heroes this whole
time because I’m convinced it takes less strength to pick up a building than
it does to permanently leave an abusive situation.
I’m still crying a few minutes later when I hear Allysa’s door open. I
look up to find Marshall exiting the apartment carrying two bags of trash.
He pauses when he sees me sitting on the floor.