Focus on the Family Magazine - February/March 2023
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics. Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics.
Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
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OUR LAUGHTER<br />
CONNECTION<br />
Helping Families Thrive in Christ<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong><br />
WHY CHURCH?<br />
A sneak peek at<br />
Brio magazine<br />
Better<br />
Toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
BY KIRSTEN WATSON<br />
page 14
ig<br />
Help<br />
emoti<strong>on</strong>s<br />
with managing<br />
Teaching kids to regulate <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
emoti<strong>on</strong>s isn’t easy. See <strong>the</strong> progress<br />
you’ve been hoping for at last!<br />
Canadian educati<strong>on</strong> c<strong>on</strong>sultant Cherilyn Orr shares<br />
her powerful traffic light model to help you teach your<br />
children how to manage str<strong>on</strong>g emoti<strong>on</strong>s – how to<br />
sense emoti<strong>on</strong>s rising, and how to calm down. Boost<br />
your child’s relati<strong>on</strong>ship skills with this proven approach<br />
that’s rooted in sound neuroscience and biblical truth!<br />
Order <strong>on</strong>line at Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca or call 1.800.661.9800
FEBRUARY / MARCH<br />
C<strong>on</strong>tents<br />
Couples<br />
13 ONGOING SATURDAY DATES<br />
A marriage insight from Tricia Couffer<br />
14 BETTER TOGETHER<br />
Working through our differences<br />
makes our marriage str<strong>on</strong>ger<br />
by Kirsten Wats<strong>on</strong><br />
19 A VALENTINE’S DAY MESS<br />
Setting realistic expectati<strong>on</strong>s for<br />
<strong>the</strong> “perfect” romantic holiday<br />
by Dr. Anth<strong>on</strong>y J. Nedelman<br />
21 A MAGICIAN’S GUIDE<br />
TO MARRIAGE<br />
Great communicati<strong>on</strong> is<br />
more than an illusi<strong>on</strong><br />
by Danny Ray<br />
In Every<br />
Issue<br />
4 LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT<br />
5 HACKS & FACTS<br />
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY<br />
Faith & Inspirati<strong>on</strong><br />
25 TRUSTING GOD WHEN OUR<br />
KIDS ARE HURTING<br />
A spiritual insight from<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> leadership<br />
by Kurt Aichele<br />
26 A SNEAK PEEK AT BRIO MAGAZINE<br />
“Why Church?” Discover its purpose<br />
and what it could mean for you<br />
by Megan Gover<br />
30 TAKE YOUR MARRIAGE<br />
FROM GOOD TO GREAT<br />
Investing in your relati<strong>on</strong>ship<br />
improves your marriage . . .<br />
and streng<strong>the</strong>ns your church<br />
by Scott Johns<strong>on</strong><br />
Kids & Teens<br />
33 HEARTS AND HANDS<br />
A parenting insight from Larke Ready<br />
34 OUR LAUGHTER CONNECTION<br />
Using humor as a shared<br />
family experience<br />
by Kevin A. Thomps<strong>on</strong><br />
36 ONE DIRTY DIAPER AT A TIME<br />
Surviving <strong>the</strong> frenzied pace of<br />
caring for your newborn as a<br />
first-time parent<br />
by Patrick Dunn<br />
37 ONE CHILD, TWO HOMES<br />
Minimizing your child’s stress<br />
when you have part-time custody<br />
by Linda Rans<strong>on</strong> Jacobs<br />
40 BOYS FORCED TO BE STOIC<br />
Why you need to foster your s<strong>on</strong>’s<br />
emoti<strong>on</strong>al intelligence<br />
by Todd Foley<br />
45 WHAT TO DO ABOUT DISNEY+<br />
by Adam Holz<br />
PRIXEL CREATIVE / LIGHTSTOCK
LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT<br />
Jean-Paul Beran is<br />
president of <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada.<br />
Want to help your children<br />
learn to be more c<strong>on</strong>siderate of<br />
o<strong>the</strong>rs? Download our free Kids<br />
of Integrity less<strong>on</strong> <strong>on</strong> kindness at<br />
KidsOfIntegrity.com/Kindness.<br />
loving o<strong>the</strong>rs<br />
through<br />
kindness<br />
HAVE YOU EVER been <strong>the</strong> recipient of<br />
a random act of kindness? Do you remember<br />
how you felt?<br />
There’s a reas<strong>on</strong> why stories of kindness<br />
am<strong>on</strong>g strangers spread like wildfire <strong>on</strong> social<br />
media. We seem to be living in a time where<br />
kindness is in short supply, but we know <strong>the</strong><br />
impact it can have <strong>on</strong> our lives. When some<strong>on</strong>e is kind<br />
to us, it can turn our day around, lift our spirits and even<br />
offer much-needed encouragement in a seas<strong>on</strong> of despair.<br />
Random acts of kindness shouldn’t be limited to strangers,<br />
though. Being kind is a simple but transformative way<br />
to show love to those around us every day.<br />
In this issue of <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> magazine, you’ll<br />
find many ideas for how to be kind, especially to those in<br />
your family. Whe<strong>the</strong>r it’s a well-timed compliment to your<br />
spouse (page 21), building c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong> through laughter<br />
(page 34) or teaching your s<strong>on</strong>s to h<strong>on</strong>or <strong>the</strong>ir emoti<strong>on</strong>s<br />
(page 40), <strong>the</strong>re are many ways we can show and model<br />
kindness to those in our lives.<br />
As a reminder, if you need any support to help your family<br />
thrive, we are here for you! We’re just a click, email or<br />
ph<strong>on</strong>e call away. I invite you to explore <strong>the</strong> full breadth of<br />
services we offer <strong>on</strong> our website at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca,<br />
email us at info@fotf.ca with your questi<strong>on</strong>s or c<strong>on</strong>cerns,<br />
or call our team at 1.800.661.9800 to learn more about<br />
how we can help.<br />
Blessings,<br />
Jean-Paul Beran<br />
CLINT BARGEN PHOTOGRAPHY<br />
president Jim Daly<br />
chief operating officer Ken Windebank<br />
chief marketing and<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tent officer Tim Sawer<br />
focus canada president Jean-Paul Beran<br />
editorial director Sheila Seifert<br />
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez<br />
copy chief Scott DeNicola<br />
associate editors Sarah Brickens,<br />
Faith Wismer<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tributing editors Vance Fry, Marianne<br />
Hering, Meredith Hinds, Thomas Jeffries,<br />
Jennifer L<strong>on</strong>as, Jeff Masching<br />
art director Anneka Jack<br />
designer Sally Dunn<br />
cover Michael and Amy Headingt<strong>on</strong><br />
media publishing director Kevin Shirin<br />
editorial assistant Kat Bittner<br />
print producti<strong>on</strong> Gail Wise<br />
circulati<strong>on</strong> Erika Lynch<br />
Thank you!<br />
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<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> magazine <strong>February</strong>/<strong>March</strong> <strong>2023</strong>, Vol.<br />
8, No. 1 ISSN 2471-5921, © <strong>2023</strong> <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>.<br />
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4<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
Hacks & Facts<br />
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING<br />
little acts of kindness<br />
Every m<strong>on</strong>th my kids and I think of little acts of kindness that we can do to spread<br />
a little happiness to o<strong>the</strong>rs. These can be anything from giving a compliment to a<br />
stranger to delivering a homemade treat to a neighbor. We write our ideas <strong>on</strong> little<br />
strips of paper and place <strong>the</strong>m into a jar. Each day my kids pick an “act of kindness”<br />
from <strong>the</strong> jar.<br />
We try to complete <strong>the</strong> act of kindness at some point throughout <strong>the</strong> same day.<br />
Sometimes we work toge<strong>the</strong>r and o<strong>the</strong>r times individually. It’s a great way to show<br />
my children how to spread kindness through simple, thoughtful acti<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
—Alicia Gorski<br />
SALLY DUNN / FOTF<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5
OY-GIRL<br />
BOY-GIRL<br />
FRIENDS<br />
BOY-GIRL<br />
FR<br />
FRIEN<br />
HACKS & FACTS / BOY-GIRL FRIENDS<br />
B OY- GI R L<br />
a fantastic gift<br />
We have two boys and two girls ranging in age from<br />
8 to 12 years old. We d<strong>on</strong>’t make a fuss about boygirl<br />
friendships. Our family spends time hanging out<br />
with o<strong>the</strong>r families that have children of similar ages.<br />
Toge<strong>the</strong>r we eat dinner, go to <strong>the</strong> beach, go to camp<br />
or have a b<strong>on</strong>fire with s’mores. The kids play games,<br />
perform plays and jump <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> trampoline toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
We tell our children that friendship is a fantastic gift,<br />
and since <strong>the</strong>y’re years away from dating, <strong>the</strong>y should<br />
enjoy <strong>the</strong> friendships <strong>the</strong>y have and give <strong>the</strong>ir romantic<br />
feelings (if <strong>the</strong>re are any) to God and trust future<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ships to His care.<br />
—Jolene Ceravalo<br />
F R I E N D S<br />
family playdates<br />
My daughter, who’s 10, enjoys playing with both<br />
boys and girls at recess. She will sometimes ask<br />
if she can have <strong>on</strong>e of her male friends from<br />
school over to our house for a playdate. Instead<br />
of her extending <strong>the</strong> invite to just her friend, I’ve<br />
started to invite <strong>the</strong> boy’s mom and perhaps his<br />
siblings as well. That way, it’s a family playdate,<br />
ra<strong>the</strong>r than a playdate between a girl and a boy.<br />
When our kids develop friendships with <strong>the</strong><br />
opposite sex, we d<strong>on</strong>’t allow siblings to tease<br />
each o<strong>the</strong>r about having boyfriends or girlfriends,<br />
having a crush or going <strong>on</strong> dates. Instead,<br />
we encourage <strong>the</strong>m to show respect and value<br />
<strong>the</strong> healthy nature of plat<strong>on</strong>ic friendship.<br />
—Jenni Clark Dickens<br />
“You can’t choose your<br />
children’s friends . . .<br />
but you can choose<br />
<strong>the</strong> envir<strong>on</strong>ment from<br />
which <strong>the</strong>y take <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
friends.”<br />
source: <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Parents' Guide to<br />
<strong>the</strong> Spiritual Growth of Children, 2000<br />
BoyFriends<br />
We d<strong>on</strong>’t tease our daughters about having<br />
“boyfriends.” Friends, whe<strong>the</strong>r boys or<br />
girls, are just . . . friends. Period. My oldest (an<br />
athletic and competitive girl) mostly has boy<br />
friendships. But she doesn’t act silly about it.<br />
Yet. She just recognizes and values <strong>the</strong> friendships,<br />
without seeing anything romantic<br />
about <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
—Stacey M. Gravely<br />
STUDIO FIRMA / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
6<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
SPIRITUAL GROWTH / HACKS & FACTS<br />
C<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
With Jesus<br />
“Particularly important<br />
milest<strong>on</strong>es to mark are your<br />
children’s spiritual birthdays.”<br />
source: <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Parents' Guide to <strong>the</strong><br />
Spiritual Growth of Children, 2000<br />
PAUCHI / ADOBE STOCK<br />
When my 3- and 5-year-olds are making<br />
poor choices (for example, biting<br />
or not sharing), we encourage <strong>the</strong>m to<br />
pause and tell Jesus what is happening.<br />
Then <strong>the</strong>y ask, “Jesus, what do You want<br />
me to do?” It hasn’t quite sunk in yet for<br />
my 3-year-old, but it’s been neat to see<br />
my older daughter begin to understand<br />
prayer and repentance. Ra<strong>the</strong>r than<br />
always looking to Mom or Dad (or even<br />
herself) to decide <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> right thing to<br />
do, she’s initiating a c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong> with<br />
Jesus, trying to discern His voice.<br />
—Christina Nunes<br />
<strong>the</strong> habit of<br />
prayer<br />
After studying for a test, my s<strong>on</strong> told<br />
me he was feeling nervous about it.<br />
I encouraged him to quietly say a<br />
prayer before he started <strong>the</strong> exam <strong>the</strong><br />
next day. So he did, asking God for<br />
both calm and focus.<br />
Since <strong>the</strong>n, I’ve heard my s<strong>on</strong> ask<br />
God <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> car ride to a football game<br />
that he and his team would play to <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
potential, or that he’d be able to make<br />
beautiful music at his cello recital. The<br />
habit of prayer has helped alleviate his<br />
anxiety and bolster his c<strong>on</strong>fidence.<br />
—Kelly Bakshi<br />
setting an example<br />
I established a habit of pers<strong>on</strong>al devoti<strong>on</strong>al time and<br />
often shared with my children from my Bible readings.<br />
Inspired by my example, my kids started having <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
own quiet times, which so<strong>on</strong> began to show fruit in<br />
unexpected ways. One day my 11-year-old was crying<br />
because she believed she wasn’t as beautiful or as<br />
smart as her friends. She opened her Bible journal to<br />
write about it. On <strong>the</strong> page was Ecclesiastes 3:11: “He<br />
has made everything beautiful in its time.”<br />
Later, when she opened her Bible to do her daily<br />
reading, <strong>the</strong> same verse was <strong>the</strong>re. Her next tears<br />
were tears of joy. “Mom, God says I am beautiful!”<br />
she said. “Everything He makes is beautiful!”<br />
I’ve learned that <strong>the</strong> greatest thing my children can<br />
learn is by watching me seek God when life hurts.<br />
—Denise Pass<br />
SPIRITUAL G R O W T H<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7
HACKS & FACTS / DRAMA<br />
dad humor<br />
Our five daughters’ emoti<strong>on</strong>s are real and abundant. My<br />
husband uses his sense of humor to ease a dramatic situati<strong>on</strong><br />
quickly. When my 4-year-old was learning to ride<br />
a bike, she would often fall and begin to cry. But my husband<br />
could quickly recognize <strong>the</strong> difference between an<br />
actual injury and <strong>the</strong> sort of overreacti<strong>on</strong> our daughter<br />
often had when something didn’t go her way. If <strong>the</strong> latter,<br />
he would rush over and exclaim, “Oh, no! Your legs got<br />
switched. Better put <strong>the</strong>m back <strong>on</strong> correctly!”<br />
Then he’d make a hilarious sound as he pretended to pop<br />
off and rearrange various limbs. Without fail, my daughter’s tears<br />
turned to giggles, and she was back <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> bike.<br />
As <strong>the</strong> children grew older, this tactic often worked with a daughter<br />
pr<strong>on</strong>e to overreacting to requests to clean up after dinner or do some o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
chore. My husband would dramatically overreact even more—with a silly t<strong>on</strong>e,<br />
not a mocking <strong>on</strong>e. This immediately stopped <strong>the</strong> girls in <strong>the</strong>ir tracks, allowing us<br />
to talk calmly about our request without <strong>the</strong> drama.<br />
—Jenny Nanninga<br />
Doughnut Dilemma<br />
Events that may seem trivial to a mom are anything but trivial to my s<strong>on</strong>.<br />
I validated my s<strong>on</strong>’s disappointment when <strong>the</strong> doughnut shop was out of<br />
sprinkle doughnuts. I said, “It’s OK to be disappointed that <strong>the</strong>y’re out of <strong>the</strong><br />
doughnut you wanted. I know you were looking forward to it.”<br />
Then, to separate <strong>the</strong> feeling from <strong>the</strong> negative overreacti<strong>on</strong>, I said, “But<br />
even when we feel upset, it isn’t OK to kick and scream.”<br />
A hug communicated my assurance and love as he worked through his<br />
feelings. Once he was calm, I talked about what we could do next. “We can<br />
be grateful for <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r doughnuts we have to choose from. I think that <strong>the</strong><br />
powdered <strong>on</strong>e looks fun to eat—I w<strong>on</strong>der if <strong>the</strong> sugar will give us white lips.”<br />
This process invited my s<strong>on</strong> to move <strong>on</strong> with gratitude.<br />
—Melissa Johns<strong>on</strong><br />
VICKY SCOTT<br />
8<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
DRAMA / HACKS & FACTS<br />
routine adjustments<br />
I noticed that my s<strong>on</strong>’s behavior was particularly worse <strong>on</strong><br />
Thursdays. Since we arrived home from church close to<br />
bedtime <strong>on</strong> Wednesdays, we changed his routine that day<br />
to get to bed earlier. Our nightly routine included packing<br />
backpacks and picking out clo<strong>the</strong>s for <strong>the</strong> next day, so we<br />
opted to begin this routine before leaving for church.<br />
If he was really tired and difficult to wake, we’d let him<br />
sleep l<strong>on</strong>ger Thursday mornings, and I’d take him to<br />
school instead of putting him <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> bus. When we realized<br />
his overreacting happened when he was tired, we<br />
adjusted our routine and talked about how we have to do<br />
our best to resp<strong>on</strong>d appropriately—even when we’re tired.<br />
—Carol Bradfield<br />
fast-food drama<br />
When my kids’ emoti<strong>on</strong>s erupt, I sit calmly instead<br />
of overreacting. This helps <strong>the</strong>m let some air out of<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir emoti<strong>on</strong>al ballo<strong>on</strong>s. One time, my daughter<br />
was upset about not being able to stop for fast food<br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> way to her bro<strong>the</strong>r’s game. I asked her, <strong>on</strong> a<br />
scale of 1 to 10, to rate how much of a resp<strong>on</strong>se this<br />
situati<strong>on</strong> deserved, compared to something truly devastating<br />
such as <strong>the</strong> death of a family member. Did<br />
her emoti<strong>on</strong>al outburst match <strong>the</strong><br />
number? She said that while she was<br />
very upset because she expected to<br />
get food <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> way, she knew her<br />
reacti<strong>on</strong> was too str<strong>on</strong>g, and she’d<br />
work <strong>on</strong> it. Using short questi<strong>on</strong>s<br />
and a kind t<strong>on</strong>e helps me coach my<br />
kids, and I find <strong>the</strong>ir resp<strong>on</strong>se is better<br />
than when I lecture.<br />
—Michelle Nietert<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 9
HACKS & FACTS / OVERSTIMULATION<br />
<strong>the</strong> great toy rotati<strong>on</strong><br />
Our 8-m<strong>on</strong>th-old s<strong>on</strong> has been blessed with many different<br />
play mats, activity centers and toys. But when it’s playtime,<br />
my husband and I offer <strong>on</strong>ly <strong>on</strong>e toy at a time. We keep a lidded<br />
box of toys in <strong>the</strong> living room and <strong>on</strong>ly keep eight to 10 toys in<br />
his bedroom. All <strong>the</strong> remaining stuff is stored out of reach. We<br />
rotate <strong>the</strong>se extras in every two to three weeks. When <strong>the</strong>re’s<br />
a new toy to add to his collecti<strong>on</strong>, we retire an older <strong>on</strong>e. He’s<br />
better able to focus <strong>on</strong> his toys without feeling overwhelmed<br />
with too much “stuff.”<br />
—Shirley Mald<strong>on</strong>ado<br />
shopping<br />
meltdowns<br />
One day, my husband and I went<br />
shopping with our toddler and<br />
infant. We had a lengthy list of<br />
items to buy and errands to run.<br />
However, I had underestimated<br />
how l<strong>on</strong>g our daughters would be<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tent. They so<strong>on</strong> grew weary of<br />
<strong>the</strong> new sights and sounds. My husband<br />
suspected our oldest was <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> verge of a meltdown. All I could<br />
see were <strong>the</strong> unchecked items <strong>on</strong><br />
my list.<br />
After that frenzied outing, my<br />
husband suggested that we give<br />
ourselves a fixed amount of time<br />
to shop with our children. Just like<br />
we needed a budget for spending<br />
our m<strong>on</strong>ey, we needed to limit our<br />
children’s sensory exposure. As we<br />
had more children, we c<strong>on</strong>sidered<br />
<strong>the</strong> unique needs of each child and<br />
adjusted <strong>the</strong> details and durati<strong>on</strong> of<br />
our outings accordingly.<br />
—Katrina Williams<strong>on</strong><br />
A Calming Touch<br />
I started a post-bath, baby massage routine<br />
when my baby was born, knowing that skinto-skin<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tact encourages b<strong>on</strong>ding. It was<br />
so nurturing that when my baby (and later<br />
toddler) became overstimulated, I’d stroke<br />
his arms in <strong>the</strong> same method he was familiar<br />
with, and he’d calm down.<br />
—Kelly Bakshi<br />
GUILLE FAINGOLD / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
10<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
OVERSTIMULATION / HACKS & FACTS<br />
Comfort Compani<strong>on</strong><br />
When my children were babies, I brought al<strong>on</strong>g<br />
familiar items while away from home, such as <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
favorite stuffed animals, blankets or toys. One evening<br />
I took my 8-m<strong>on</strong>th-old s<strong>on</strong> to my school’s open<br />
house where new people were flooding into <strong>the</strong><br />
room every few minutes. At <strong>the</strong> first sign of irritability,<br />
I put Mr. Ed, his stuffed horse, in his lap, al<strong>on</strong>g with a<br />
bottle and pacifier. I immediately saw a change in his<br />
dispositi<strong>on</strong>, and he quickly relaxed.<br />
—Tania Alward<br />
JUNO / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
I O N<br />
OVER STIMULATION<br />
<strong>the</strong> story of our new home<br />
When my husband and I anticipated that a big change was coming, we’d take a little<br />
time to create a few short stories for our 2-year-old s<strong>on</strong>. For example, when we<br />
were moving from Georgia to Virginia, we made a book with pictures of our house<br />
in Georgia and of our new house in Virginia. We described what our s<strong>on</strong> could<br />
expect as we packed up and made <strong>the</strong> trip to <strong>the</strong> new house. Then we added pictures<br />
of his new bedroom, <strong>the</strong> playroom and a nearby playground. We talked about<br />
how all his toys would be waiting for him <strong>on</strong>ce we arrived at our new home.<br />
Before <strong>the</strong> move, we read this story many times and talked about what he could<br />
do if he got nervous or sad. We reminded him that he could always ask for a hug,<br />
revisit his storybook or hold his stuffed animal to help him feel better. We reassured<br />
him that we’d all be moving to <strong>the</strong> new home toge<strong>the</strong>r as a family.<br />
We created similar books for o<strong>the</strong>r big family events. Having <strong>the</strong>se stories helped<br />
him adjust, and he’d even repeat phrases from his book when he was feeling anxious.<br />
My favorite part is that we can revisit <strong>the</strong>se stories and photos as he gets older.<br />
OV E R S T I M U L AT I O N<br />
—Autumn Shaffer<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11
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Couples<br />
<strong>on</strong>going Saturday dates<br />
A marriage insight from Tricia Couffer<br />
SOMETHING GOOD came out of <strong>the</strong> quarantine<br />
for our marriage. My husband and I started<br />
taking Saturday morning drives. We’d sneak out of<br />
<strong>the</strong> house while our teens were sleeping, and he and<br />
I would grab coffee (iced for me, hot for him) and talk<br />
about current events in our lives including dreaming<br />
about our future or planning our daughter’s wedding.<br />
We even sang al<strong>on</strong>g to s<strong>on</strong>gs <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> radio.<br />
After <strong>the</strong> quarantine, this routine became our <strong>on</strong>going<br />
Saturday date. Even now we grab cameras and hit<br />
botanical gardens, wooded areas or o<strong>the</strong>r local spots<br />
to take photos and spend time toge<strong>the</strong>r. •<br />
Tricia Couffer has been married for 30 years and is mom to five.<br />
Former foster parent and church coordinator for special needs<br />
and preschool educati<strong>on</strong>, she now focuses <strong>on</strong> photography,<br />
home schooling and her new granddaughter.<br />
LANE ALBERS PHOTOGRAPHY<br />
Steve and Tricia Couffer<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13
COUPLES / UNITY<br />
Better ter<br />
Toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
Kirsten and<br />
Benjamin Wats<strong>on</strong><br />
14<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
UNITY / COUPLES<br />
Working through our differences<br />
makes our marriage str<strong>on</strong>ger<br />
BY KIRSTEN WATSON<br />
PHOTOS BY IMAGES OF GRACE PHOTOGRAPHY<br />
(PATTERN) VERIS STUDIO; CASTECODESIGN / ADOBE STOCK<br />
IN OUR MARRIAGE, my husband,<br />
Benjamin, is <strong>the</strong> finance guy. For him,<br />
things are black and white. He knows what<br />
we’re doing and how we’re going to get<br />
<strong>the</strong>re—and it’s always directly from point<br />
A to point B.<br />
I tend to think outside <strong>the</strong> box. I bring<br />
nuance to our decisi<strong>on</strong>s. I start at <strong>the</strong> same<br />
point A, but I might take a pit stop or two<br />
before eventually arriving at point B.<br />
While Benjamin asks, “Why are we<br />
doing this?” I say, “Why not give it a try?”<br />
That’s how we’ve related to each o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
since our college days when we began dating.<br />
It was our joke when we introduced<br />
ourselves, and it even led to our nicknames<br />
for each o<strong>the</strong>r: he’s Why? and I’m<br />
Why Not? It’s how our relati<strong>on</strong>ship still<br />
plays out, 16 years later.<br />
Even though we have distinct pers<strong>on</strong>alities<br />
and different perspectives, we have<br />
<strong>the</strong> same goals. We not <strong>on</strong>ly recognize<br />
<strong>the</strong>se differences in each o<strong>the</strong>r, but we<br />
also believe <strong>the</strong>y bring balance in our marriage.<br />
We’ve even learned to maximize<br />
those variances for <strong>the</strong> betterment of our<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship.<br />
When we’re united in our visi<strong>on</strong>, we’re<br />
an unstoppable team.<br />
What we bring to marriage<br />
Benjamin is an amazing leader. He’s good<br />
at weighing <strong>the</strong> opti<strong>on</strong>s, making decisi<strong>on</strong>s<br />
and knowing why we’re doing what we’re<br />
doing. He doesn’t act <strong>on</strong> a whim—he’s<br />
methodical and thoughtful and good at<br />
c<strong>on</strong>sidering different scenarios.<br />
Our gifts complement each o<strong>the</strong>r well.<br />
I push Benjamin to think outside <strong>the</strong> box,<br />
and he reels me in when I go too far. I also<br />
help balance us out as a couple. I’m <strong>the</strong> <strong>on</strong>e<br />
who says, “It doesn’t have to be d<strong>on</strong>e <strong>the</strong> way<br />
it’s always been d<strong>on</strong>e.” I’m not impulsive, but<br />
I do push us to move bey<strong>on</strong>d our comfort<br />
z<strong>on</strong>e and take some risks. When both of our<br />
gifts work in tandem, we end up taking more<br />
chances, but in a thoughtful way.<br />
I’m very verbal, especially in my relati<strong>on</strong>ship<br />
with Benjamin. This has a good side,<br />
because I’m tenacious about making sure<br />
we talk through important issues, both as<br />
a couple and with our children. But sometimes<br />
Benjamin’s quiet way of simply being<br />
present is exactly what I need.<br />
His quiet steadiness was exactly what<br />
I needed when delivering our fifth child.<br />
I d<strong>on</strong>’t remember much about that delivery,<br />
but I distinctly remember Benjamin<br />
breathing with me. Instead of telling me<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15
COUPLES / UNITY<br />
to brea<strong>the</strong>, he inhaled and deeply<br />
exhaled with me. Over and over again.<br />
My brain was overloaded, so my<br />
rati<strong>on</strong>al functi<strong>on</strong>ing wasn’t really<br />
working. I simply followed his example,<br />
inhaling and exhaling, and that’s how<br />
I delivered our baby girl.<br />
D<strong>on</strong>’t get me wr<strong>on</strong>g—just because<br />
we balance each o<strong>the</strong>r doesn’t mean<br />
it’s all peaches and cream. Sometimes<br />
our differences drive us crazy. There<br />
are moments when I want to say,<br />
“Would you get <strong>on</strong> my side for a sec<strong>on</strong>d?!”<br />
We’re firstborns, so we’re both<br />
used to being right. It’s been a process<br />
of learning and growing toge<strong>the</strong>r over<br />
<strong>the</strong> past decade and a half.<br />
When we’re united in<br />
our visi<strong>on</strong>, we’re an<br />
unstoppable team.<br />
“He’s so lucky to have me”<br />
During <strong>the</strong> first few years of our marriage,<br />
I made it my goal to change<br />
Benjamin. I assumed <strong>the</strong> Lord put us<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r so I could transform my husband<br />
into <strong>the</strong> man God wanted him to<br />
be. I thought he was so lucky to have<br />
me. (I say this mostly in jest, but a part<br />
of me really believed it.)<br />
Back <strong>the</strong>n, Benjamin was in <strong>the</strong> NFL<br />
and would make appearances around<br />
<strong>the</strong> city where people stood in line<br />
to get <strong>the</strong>ir picture taken with him or<br />
get an autograph. One night I was sitting<br />
off to <strong>the</strong> side at an event, irritated<br />
about some recent tiff, when an unfamiliar<br />
woman came up to me.<br />
“You’re so lucky to be married to<br />
Ben!” she said. “He’s so nice!”<br />
I put <strong>on</strong> my best fake smile and<br />
replied, “He is nice.”<br />
Since Benjamin and I weren’t<br />
exactly <strong>on</strong> speaking terms at <strong>the</strong><br />
moment, nice wasn’t <strong>the</strong> word I would<br />
have used to describe my husband.<br />
He was stubborn and disciplined and<br />
smart and so many things I didn’t yet<br />
have <strong>the</strong> words to express. Yes, he was<br />
nice, but he sure could upset me.<br />
I loved Benjamin and wanted to be<br />
a good wife to him, but I was mostly<br />
16<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
UNITY / COUPLES<br />
determined to prove my worth. My<br />
focus was <strong>on</strong> me and what I could<br />
accomplish. This often resulted in<br />
butting heads with my new husband—<br />
some<strong>on</strong>e who was busy working out his<br />
own stuff.<br />
Then I started talking to women who<br />
were fur<strong>the</strong>r al<strong>on</strong>g in marriage. They<br />
told me, “Girl, you’d better get <strong>on</strong> your<br />
knees and see how you need to change.”<br />
That’s when I started asking God, “What<br />
kind of wife do You want me to be?” and<br />
that’s when <strong>the</strong> Lord began working<br />
w<strong>on</strong>ders in our marriage.<br />
The more I worked <strong>on</strong> myself instead<br />
of worrying about what my husband<br />
needed to do, <strong>the</strong> more <strong>the</strong> Holy Spirit<br />
was at work. What I’ve come to realize<br />
is that God is much better at changing<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r people than we are.<br />
That’s because He changed me.<br />
Support during<br />
changing seas<strong>on</strong>s<br />
Ever since Benjamin and I started<br />
doing our “Why or Why Not” podcast,<br />
we’ve learned to work toge<strong>the</strong>r in<br />
new ways. In <strong>the</strong> past, we supported<br />
each o<strong>the</strong>r, but we had our own lanes.<br />
He played pro football, and I’m never<br />
going to do that. I was at home with<br />
<strong>the</strong> kids and busy with home schooling.<br />
With seven kids in a span of 10 years—<br />
including twins—it’s important for us<br />
to be in sync with each o<strong>the</strong>r. We were<br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> same path, but we had different<br />
roles.<br />
With our podcast, for example,<br />
we’re both heavily involved, but<br />
<strong>the</strong>re are big differences in <strong>the</strong> way<br />
we prepare. I’ll create a general outline,<br />
with questi<strong>on</strong>s and spaces for our<br />
answers, <strong>the</strong>n print it out for each of<br />
us. When we go to record, my paper<br />
looks <strong>the</strong> same. I tend to say what I<br />
feel in <strong>the</strong> moment—I have no idea<br />
what’s going to come out of my mouth.<br />
But Benjamin’s page is full of research,<br />
Scripture verses and articles to support<br />
his points. Despite our differences,<br />
<strong>the</strong>re’s a level of trust, knowing we<br />
have each o<strong>the</strong>r’s back. Even if we disagree,<br />
we respect each o<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
With <strong>the</strong> recent release of my book,<br />
it’s been fun to experience somewhat<br />
of a role reversal in our relati<strong>on</strong>ship.<br />
Benjamin has always been <strong>the</strong>re for<br />
me, but now that he’s retired from<br />
playing, his support is evident in<br />
more tangible ways. Our kids and I<br />
were <strong>the</strong>re for every game he played,<br />
cheering him <strong>on</strong>, praying for him<br />
and hugging him afterward, win or<br />
lose. Now that I’ve been <strong>the</strong> <strong>on</strong>e in <strong>the</strong><br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17
COUPLES / UNITY<br />
NEW<br />
SIS, TAKE A BREATH<br />
As a wife, mom of seven and<br />
podcast co-host, Kirsten<br />
Wats<strong>on</strong>’s hard-w<strong>on</strong> wisdom<br />
to o<strong>the</strong>r women when feeling<br />
overwhelmed is to take a breath<br />
and lean <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> Word of God to<br />
give us what we need.<br />
Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca<br />
spotlight, I’ve seen Benjamin take <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> role of encourager. He assured me<br />
I had something to say, created time<br />
and space for me to write, celebrated<br />
with me when <strong>the</strong> book launched,<br />
and even rented a billboard to let people<br />
know about it! Al<strong>on</strong>g <strong>the</strong> way, he<br />
taught <strong>the</strong> kids to cheer me <strong>on</strong> and<br />
pray for strength to keep going.<br />
Grounded in God’s Word<br />
While our pers<strong>on</strong>alities and temperaments<br />
differ, Benjamin and I are<br />
united when it comes to <strong>the</strong> values we<br />
rely <strong>on</strong> to streng<strong>the</strong>n our family. We<br />
believe <strong>the</strong> Bible is <strong>the</strong> Word of God<br />
and that it gives us <strong>the</strong> wisdom and<br />
hope we need to carry <strong>on</strong>.<br />
Before we were dating, Benjamin<br />
shared at a Fellowship of Christian<br />
Athletes meeting that marriage is like<br />
a triangle: God is at <strong>the</strong> top, and <strong>the</strong><br />
husband and wife are <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r ends.<br />
The <strong>on</strong>ly way to get closer to each<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r is for each pers<strong>on</strong> to enhance <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship with God. That reminder c<strong>on</strong>tinues<br />
to fuel us, especially when life gets<br />
challenging.<br />
Over <strong>the</strong> years, I’ve learned to pray<br />
Scripture over my entire family. If <strong>on</strong>e of<br />
our children is feeling anxious, I’ll paraphrase<br />
Psalm 46:1-3: “God, You are Grace’s<br />
refuge and strength, an ever-present help<br />
in trouble. Remind her of Your presence<br />
and cast out her fear.” One evening our<br />
daughter came home crying from soccer<br />
tryouts. Ano<strong>the</strong>r girl at practice had told<br />
her that she couldn’t see my daughter’s<br />
sweat because she’s black. After more tears<br />
and a l<strong>on</strong>g c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong> with my daughter<br />
and <strong>the</strong> rest of our kiddos, Benjamin and<br />
I prayed for that o<strong>the</strong>r little girl. Turns out<br />
<strong>the</strong>y were placed <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> same team, and by<br />
<strong>the</strong> end of <strong>the</strong> seas<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong>y became friends.<br />
Benjamin and I are both str<strong>on</strong>g-willed,<br />
capable people. But we’ve come to realize<br />
that when we rely <strong>on</strong> our own strength—<br />
whe<strong>the</strong>r we’re making parenting decisi<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
moving to a new home, or making career<br />
choices—that’s when things get difficult.<br />
It’s <strong>on</strong>ly when we rely <strong>on</strong> God and spend<br />
time in His Word that we stay c<strong>on</strong>nected.<br />
I’m c<strong>on</strong>vinced that Benjamin and I are<br />
better toge<strong>the</strong>r—a powerful force when<br />
we’re <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> same page. And while <strong>the</strong>re<br />
remain some things that we’re able to do<br />
<strong>on</strong> our own, it’s much more fun when we’re<br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> same team. •<br />
Kirsten Wats<strong>on</strong> is <strong>the</strong> author of Sis, Take a Breath<br />
and co-host of a podcast she produces with her<br />
husband, Benjamin, who’s a retired NFL player.<br />
Toge<strong>the</strong>r, <strong>the</strong>y have seven children and reside in<br />
<strong>the</strong> Atlanta area.<br />
18<br />
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FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
EXPECTATIONS / COUPLES<br />
Setting realistic<br />
expectati<strong>on</strong>s for<br />
<strong>the</strong> “perfect”<br />
romantic holiday<br />
BY DR. ANTHONY J. NEDELMAN<br />
ILLUSTRATIONS BY DÉBORA ISLAS<br />
THE FIRST VALENTINE’S DAY my wife<br />
and I shared as a married couple wasn’t exactly <strong>the</strong><br />
romantic interlude we had anticipated. Since we<br />
didn’t have much m<strong>on</strong>ey, she planned to pick up<br />
some takeout <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> way home from work, and I<br />
intended to clean our small apartment to surprise<br />
her. But when I got home, I found a bigger mess<br />
than I expected. Our two dogs had gotten into a<br />
large bag of chocolates, and our floors were covered<br />
with diarrhea.<br />
When my wife arrived home, I ran outside to prepare<br />
her for what she’d encounter inside. But before<br />
I could open my mouth, she blurted out that she<br />
had ruined our evening. She’d hit a pothole driving<br />
home, and our dinner had toppled <strong>on</strong>to <strong>the</strong> car’s<br />
floorboard. Between <strong>the</strong> doggy doo and <strong>the</strong> ruined<br />
food, our first Valentine’s Day was a total disaster.<br />
For some, Valentine’s Day is about sweeping gestures<br />
and declarati<strong>on</strong>s of love. That’s why it can<br />
come with big expectati<strong>on</strong>s and even bigger pressures<br />
that set up couples for trouble. In our quest<br />
to hit a romantic grand slam <strong>on</strong> this special day,<br />
we may try to find <strong>the</strong> perfect gift, reserve a table<br />
for two at a trendy restaurant or throw in an exquisite<br />
combinati<strong>on</strong> of romantic gestures to make our<br />
spouse fall for us all over again. That’s a lot of pressure<br />
for a made-up holiday in <strong>the</strong> dead of winter!<br />
Romantic plans can often end up in disappointment<br />
and c<strong>on</strong>flict when <strong>the</strong> unexpected happens.<br />
To avoid <strong>the</strong>se kinds of pitfalls, get <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> same<br />
page as a couple. Here are three ways you can tame<br />
Valentine’s Day tensi<strong>on</strong>s and manage expectati<strong>on</strong>s:<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19
COUPLES / EXPECTATIONS<br />
• Do we want <strong>the</strong> evening to be<br />
extra special or just a low-key<br />
night toge<strong>the</strong>r?<br />
• Do we want to celebrate <strong>on</strong><br />
Valentine’s Day or <strong>on</strong> a day when<br />
restaurants are less crowded and<br />
chocolate is discounted?<br />
A few weeks before <strong>the</strong><br />
big day, talk about your<br />
hopes and expectati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
for <strong>the</strong> evening. To get<br />
<strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s started,<br />
ask each o<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong>se<br />
questi<strong>on</strong>s:<br />
• Do we want to exchange gifts<br />
we can afford or splurge <strong>on</strong> things<br />
each of us has always wanted?<br />
• What gestures say, “I love you,”<br />
to each of us?<br />
Regardless of how <strong>the</strong> evening turns<br />
out, paving <strong>the</strong> way ahead of time<br />
will help you avoid <strong>the</strong> potholes that<br />
can ruin your time toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
There are many practical ways to simplify your celebrati<strong>on</strong> so<br />
it’s more meaningful and less hectic. Here are some ideas:<br />
• Celebrate <strong>on</strong> a different day.<br />
• Set guidelines for gift-giving.<br />
• Let go of perfecti<strong>on</strong>ism and<br />
unrealistic expectati<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
• Stay off social media and tune<br />
out TV commercials.<br />
• Prepare for child care in advance.<br />
• Plan an activity you both enjoy.<br />
• List <strong>the</strong> qualities you love about<br />
each o<strong>the</strong>r. Then share <strong>the</strong>m <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> day you celebrate.<br />
As Feb. 14 approaches, we’re inundated<br />
with romantic images of smiling<br />
couples <strong>on</strong> social media and n<strong>on</strong>stop<br />
TV commercials for fine jewelry, lingerie,<br />
floral bouquets and chocolate. The<br />
message is that if we really love our<br />
spouse, we’ll shower our chosen <strong>on</strong>e<br />
with expensive gifts and Hollywoodstyle<br />
romantic gestures.<br />
God’s definiti<strong>on</strong> of love is found in<br />
1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient and<br />
kind; love does not envy or boast; it is<br />
not arrogant or rude. It does not insist<br />
<strong>on</strong> its own way; it is not irritable or<br />
resentful; it does not rejoice at wr<strong>on</strong>gdoing,<br />
but rejoices with <strong>the</strong> truth. Love<br />
bears all things, believes all things,<br />
hopes all things, endures all things”<br />
(verses 4-7).<br />
The world promotes a warped definiti<strong>on</strong><br />
of love that focuses <strong>on</strong> external<br />
beauty and worth ra<strong>the</strong>r than <strong>the</strong><br />
inner qualities God values most.<br />
Shifting your focus from <strong>the</strong> world’s<br />
distorted view to God’s perspective<br />
can help neutralize <strong>the</strong> Valentine’s<br />
Day pressures so you can enjoy time<br />
with your spouse.<br />
Above all, keep in mind that <strong>the</strong> quality of your relati<strong>on</strong>ship isn’t<br />
measured by <strong>the</strong> outcome of <strong>on</strong>e day. D<strong>on</strong>’t let ruined dinners and<br />
soiled carpets distract you from what really matters. And whatever<br />
you end up doing to celebrate Valentine’s Day, do it with love and<br />
for your spouse. •<br />
Dr. Anth<strong>on</strong>y J. Nedelman is a clinical psychologist, an expert blogger for<br />
Psychology Today and chair of <strong>the</strong> Ohio Psychological Associati<strong>on</strong>’s Science and<br />
Research Committee. He enjoys spending time with his wife and two young boys,<br />
serving <strong>on</strong> his church’s worship team and spreading <strong>the</strong> Gospel.<br />
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<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Cherish<br />
20<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
COMMUNICATION / COUPLES<br />
a magician's guide to<br />
LORI LEIMAKAMAE DILL; BLAGORODEZ / ADOBE STOCK<br />
GREAT COMMUNICATION IS<br />
MORE THAN AN ILLUSION<br />
BY DANNY RAY
COUPLES / COMMUNICATION<br />
REMEMBER THE DAYS<br />
before Amaz<strong>on</strong> revoluti<strong>on</strong>ized<br />
package delivery? Back <strong>the</strong>n, to<br />
get a package required putting aside<br />
everything else you were supposed to<br />
be doing, standing by <strong>the</strong> mailbox at<br />
<strong>the</strong> end of your driveway and praying<br />
that your mail carrier would be <strong>the</strong>re<br />
at <strong>the</strong> usual time . . . or else you got <strong>the</strong><br />
dreaded note saying to pick up your<br />
package at <strong>the</strong> post office, which was<br />
like taking a “quick” trip to <strong>the</strong> DMV. (If<br />
you d<strong>on</strong>’t remember those days, just be<br />
grateful, OK?)<br />
In <strong>the</strong> mid-2000s, I took a missi<strong>on</strong><br />
trip to Japan, performing 14 magic<br />
shows in 12 days. This was <strong>the</strong> l<strong>on</strong>gest<br />
I'd been away from my family, and I<br />
knew my wife, Kimberly, was already<br />
exhausted from taking care of three<br />
young children while running <strong>the</strong><br />
administrative side of our ministry.<br />
I d<strong>on</strong>’t always get things right in our<br />
marriage, but I was intenti<strong>on</strong>al about<br />
communicating my love and appreciati<strong>on</strong><br />
for her by focusing <strong>on</strong> three<br />
things: clarity, timing and tempo. These<br />
elements are crucial when I’m performing<br />
magic shows . . . but <strong>the</strong>y’re also<br />
important in any marriage!<br />
Before I left, I went to our local UPS<br />
Store with 12 little gifts and asked if <strong>the</strong>y<br />
could put <strong>on</strong>e in our in-store mailbox<br />
each day. They very generously offered,<br />
“We’ll do better than that; we’ll deliver<br />
<strong>the</strong>m to your wife’s doorstep each day.”<br />
Kimberly loved it! She had no idea<br />
how <strong>the</strong>se gifts were arriving, but she<br />
called <strong>the</strong>m “a tiny rainbow in <strong>the</strong> storm.”<br />
Th e clarity of my message to her<br />
was easily understood, and<br />
<strong>the</strong> gifts were timed to<br />
arrive while she was dropping<br />
off our two oldest at<br />
school. As for <strong>the</strong> tempo,<br />
each gift was a daily surprise<br />
that brought her joy<br />
and reminded her how<br />
much I love her.<br />
As an illusi<strong>on</strong>ist,<br />
I’ve<br />
learned a thing or two about <strong>the</strong><br />
importance of communicating with<br />
<strong>the</strong>se three elements in mind. I’ve performed<br />
sleight of hand for milli<strong>on</strong>s of<br />
people all over <strong>the</strong> world, and even<br />
fooled two of <strong>the</strong> most knowledgeable<br />
magicians <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> hit TV show “Penn &<br />
Teller: Fool Us.” I’ve spent thousands of<br />
hours scripting material to perfect <strong>the</strong><br />
clarity, timing and tempo of my act to<br />
create <strong>the</strong> most ast<strong>on</strong>ishing experience<br />
for my audience.<br />
Similarly, applying <strong>the</strong>se same script<br />
elements to a marriage relati<strong>on</strong>ship<br />
also takes work. Toge<strong>the</strong>r, a husband<br />
and wife can learn<br />
to move past <strong>the</strong>ir old<br />
patterns of communicati<strong>on</strong><br />
by replacing<br />
i d<strong>on</strong>’t always get<br />
things right in our<br />
marriage, but i was<br />
intenti<strong>on</strong>al about<br />
communicating my<br />
love and appreciati<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Here and <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> previous<br />
page: Danny Ray and his<br />
wife, Kimberly<br />
LORI LEIMAKAMAE DILL<br />
22<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
COMMUNICATION / COUPLES<br />
Clarity<br />
Timing<br />
KERONNART / ADOBE STOCK; DOLLITUDE / ADOBE STOCK<br />
poor habits with updated scripts that<br />
bring clarity to <strong>the</strong>ir c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s, are<br />
timed to meet each o<strong>the</strong>r’s needs, and<br />
are more c<strong>on</strong>cerned with <strong>the</strong> tempo<br />
than <strong>the</strong> outcome.<br />
Clarity<br />
If a magician’s intent is unclear, <strong>the</strong> illusi<strong>on</strong><br />
fails. The same is true in marriage:<br />
C<strong>on</strong>fusing communicati<strong>on</strong> and murky<br />
goals will take a toll <strong>on</strong> both spouses.<br />
But if you clearly express your intenti<strong>on</strong>s<br />
and follow through, you’ll build<br />
trust with each o<strong>the</strong>r. By making clear<br />
what you want and how you’re going to<br />
get <strong>the</strong>re, you’ll significantly increase<br />
your ability to “make magic” in your<br />
marriage. My love notes included with<br />
each gift clearly c<strong>on</strong>veyed my appreciati<strong>on</strong><br />
and thankfulness to my wife.<br />
Increased clarity makes us into<br />
better communicators. Yet if you<br />
clearly tell your spouse <strong>on</strong>e thing but<br />
do ano<strong>the</strong>r, you’ll create c<strong>on</strong>fusi<strong>on</strong><br />
and miss out <strong>on</strong> an opportunity to<br />
build trust.<br />
Clarity influences <strong>the</strong> outcome of<br />
almost every c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>. Asking<br />
questi<strong>on</strong>s helps—questi<strong>on</strong>s like, “Just<br />
to be clear, are you saying . . . ?” or<br />
“I’m not sure exactly what you mean;<br />
could you help me understand?”<br />
When you’re both clear about what<br />
you’re saying, you’re better able to<br />
arrive at a good outcome.<br />
Clarity builds trust.<br />
Timing<br />
If a magician’s big reveal happens at <strong>the</strong><br />
wr<strong>on</strong>g time, <strong>the</strong> illusi<strong>on</strong> fails. Likewise,<br />
I chose <strong>the</strong> timing of when my packages<br />
would arrive. I knew <strong>the</strong> most difficult<br />
part of my wife’s day was getting <strong>the</strong><br />
kids dressed, fed and out of <strong>the</strong> house<br />
each morning, so <strong>the</strong> timing of <strong>the</strong> gifts<br />
mattered.<br />
What we say (clarity) and when we<br />
say it (timing) increase our ability to be<br />
heard and understood. Proverbs 25:11<br />
reminds us, “Like apples of gold in settings<br />
of silver, Is a word spoken at <strong>the</strong><br />
proper time” (NASB).<br />
My wife was lamenting <strong>the</strong> layer of<br />
dust <strong>on</strong> everything in our home. The<br />
next day, while Kimberly was out, a<br />
w<strong>on</strong>derful idea came into my head: I<br />
could use a leaf blower <strong>on</strong> all that dust.<br />
Now, I d<strong>on</strong>’t know if you have ever<br />
turned <strong>on</strong> a 75-mph leaf blower inside<br />
your home, but it’s, well, amazing!<br />
The first place I pointed my new<br />
weap<strong>on</strong> was under <strong>the</strong> stove. Not <strong>on</strong>ly<br />
did I blow out <strong>the</strong> dust, but a playing<br />
card and a swirl of o<strong>the</strong>r toys emerged<br />
from <strong>the</strong>ir shelter.<br />
The power was exhilarating, and I<br />
felt like <strong>the</strong> king of my castle! I “dusted”<br />
everything imaginable. Ten minutes<br />
later, I turned off <strong>the</strong> blower to survey<br />
my work. While I had vanquished <strong>the</strong><br />
dust, it also looked like a hurricane had<br />
blown through our house. Imagine how<br />
I felt when I heard my wife’s car pull up.<br />
How does <strong>on</strong>e explain a great idea g<strong>on</strong>e<br />
wr<strong>on</strong>g?<br />
If your husband has just dropped<br />
dinner <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> floor and is yelling at <strong>the</strong><br />
mashed potatoes, it might be <strong>the</strong> wr<strong>on</strong>g<br />
time to tell him he has an anger problem.<br />
If your wife has a habit of stepping<br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> gas and <strong>the</strong>re’s a police officer<br />
behind her, it might be <strong>the</strong> wr<strong>on</strong>g time<br />
to lecture her about her driving.<br />
Finding <strong>the</strong> right time to address<br />
LISTEN NOW!<br />
Danny Ray and his wife,<br />
Kimberly, offer tips <strong>on</strong> putting<br />
<strong>the</strong> magic back into marriage.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Radio<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23
Patnes<br />
– in life and love –<br />
Resources<br />
for your<br />
marriage<br />
Order <strong>on</strong>line at<br />
Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca<br />
or call 1.800.661.9800<br />
Tempo<br />
issues can influence <strong>the</strong> outcome<br />
for <strong>the</strong> better. In fact, even a small<br />
change in timing can make a big<br />
difference toward creating healthy<br />
communicati<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Timing influences understanding.<br />
Tempo<br />
If a magic trick is weakened because<br />
of <strong>the</strong> speed at which it’s performed,<br />
<strong>the</strong> illusi<strong>on</strong> fails. To keep my c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong><br />
with my wife str<strong>on</strong>g even while<br />
traveling, my little gifts arrived at a<br />
tempo of <strong>on</strong>e per day. Thus, <strong>the</strong> gifts<br />
became something Kimberly could<br />
count <strong>on</strong>. Counting <strong>on</strong> each o<strong>the</strong>r is<br />
also crucial in marriage.<br />
One of <strong>the</strong> phrases my wife and I<br />
use to change <strong>the</strong> tempo of our c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
is: “This is important to<br />
me.” If we’re having a heated discussi<strong>on</strong><br />
and <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r pers<strong>on</strong> doesn’t<br />
seem to recognize its importance,<br />
<strong>on</strong>e of us will say, “This is important<br />
to me.” This literally stops <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
pers<strong>on</strong> in his or her tracks. Because<br />
we try to limit our use of <strong>the</strong> phrase,<br />
it’s a game changer when it comes up.<br />
This phrase gives us <strong>the</strong> ability to<br />
slow down <strong>the</strong> tempo, especially amid<br />
a heated c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>. It also helps us<br />
avoid saying things we might regret.<br />
The right tempo leads to better<br />
paced, more effective communicati<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Echoing James’ words to firstcentury<br />
believers, tempo in life (and<br />
in marriage) involves being “quick<br />
to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger”<br />
(James 1:19). In o<strong>the</strong>r words, tempo<br />
is <strong>the</strong> rhythm of communicati<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Just as magic tricks need clarity,<br />
timing and tempo, so does your marriage.<br />
The daily surprise gifts for my<br />
wife were a tangible way that I—with<br />
<strong>the</strong> help of my secret team—communicated<br />
with clarity, timing and<br />
tempo that I loved, cherished and<br />
appreciated her. C<strong>on</strong>sider how<br />
you’re currently doing in <strong>the</strong>se areas<br />
and adjust where necessary. Trust<br />
me, you d<strong>on</strong>’t have to be a magician<br />
to make this happen—you just need<br />
to be willing to do what it takes to<br />
have a great marriage. •<br />
Danny Ray is <strong>on</strong>e of <strong>the</strong> world’s premiere<br />
illusi<strong>on</strong>ists, entertaining audiences with<br />
sleight of hand while offering <strong>the</strong> Gospel’s<br />
transformative message. Fa<strong>the</strong>r to three<br />
children and married more than 25 years,<br />
he is <strong>the</strong> author of No, I Can’t Make Your<br />
Wife Disappear.<br />
NO, I CAN’T MAKE<br />
YOUR WIFE DISAPPEAR<br />
by Danny Ray<br />
Peek behind <strong>the</strong> curtain in this<br />
ligh<strong>the</strong>arted, practical, and<br />
sometimes hard-hitting guide<br />
that reveals ways to create a<br />
loving, fun-filled relati<strong>on</strong>ship.<br />
Before l<strong>on</strong>g, you’ll be enjoying<br />
<strong>the</strong> magic in your marriage.<br />
Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca<br />
KERONNART / ADOBE STOCK; DOLLITUDE / ADOBE STOCK
Faith & Inspirati<strong>on</strong><br />
trusting<br />
God when<br />
our kids are<br />
hurting<br />
A spiritual insight<br />
from <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>Family</strong> leadership<br />
BY KURT AICHELE<br />
how I never could have envisi<strong>on</strong>ed <strong>the</strong><br />
way God would answer my prayers.<br />
Ano<strong>the</strong>r example came when a couple<br />
—who didn’t know <strong>the</strong> details of our<br />
overwhelming medical bills—gave us<br />
<strong>the</strong> precise amount we needed to cover<br />
<strong>the</strong> cost of a bill we couldn’t afford.<br />
Nathanial’s path remains rocky. The<br />
c<strong>on</strong>diti<strong>on</strong>, rare in young people, generally<br />
goes away by age 30. My s<strong>on</strong><br />
is now 13 and receives weekly chemo<strong>the</strong>rapy<br />
dosages to suppress his<br />
immune system, persevering through<br />
pain and fighting against despair. I<br />
sometimes questi<strong>on</strong> God when it’s<br />
especially hard, but I know we’re to<br />
walk <strong>the</strong> path <strong>the</strong> Lord has ordained<br />
in humble trust and reliance.<br />
Nathanial’s struggles have reminded<br />
me that I should c<strong>on</strong>tinually entrust<br />
all five of my children to God’s care<br />
and provisi<strong>on</strong>. I hope you’ll join me<br />
in releasing our kids to God every day,<br />
trusting in Him as <strong>the</strong>ir Guide and<br />
Healer. After all, He loves our children<br />
even more than we do. •<br />
Kurt Aichele is <strong>the</strong> vice president of marketing<br />
at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>.<br />
SALLY DUNN / FOTF<br />
I’M LEARNING LESSONS<br />
about <strong>the</strong> Lord’s kindness and<br />
mercy as my family and I are challenged<br />
in a journey that began<br />
<strong>March</strong> 2021. One night l<strong>on</strong>g after<br />
we’d all g<strong>on</strong>e to bed, my <strong>the</strong>n<br />
12-year-old s<strong>on</strong>, Nathanial, woke<br />
up complaining about severe pain<br />
behind <strong>on</strong>e of his eyes. And it<br />
didn’t go away with time.<br />
In subsequent weeks, physicians,<br />
optometrists, ophthalmologists<br />
and immunologists struggled to<br />
diagnose <strong>the</strong> cause and expressed<br />
c<strong>on</strong>cern that it could eventually<br />
lead to blindness if not treated. As<br />
I prayed for wisdom, I was providentially<br />
c<strong>on</strong>nected to a top<br />
ophthalmologist who had recently<br />
resigned from a positi<strong>on</strong> at a prestigious<br />
clinic. The man c<strong>on</strong>nected<br />
me with <strong>on</strong>e of <strong>the</strong> few doctors in<br />
<strong>the</strong> world who could treat my s<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Ephesians 3:20 says: “Now to<br />
him who is able to do far more<br />
abundantly than all that we ask or<br />
think, according to <strong>the</strong> power at<br />
work within us,” which describes<br />
Kurt Aichele and<br />
his s<strong>on</strong>, Nathanial<br />
To download a free 12-page booklet <strong>on</strong><br />
navigating chr<strong>on</strong>ic health challenges, visit<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Chr<strong>on</strong>icHealthPDF.<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25
FAITH & INSPIRATION / TEEN FAITH<br />
AN ARTICLE FROM BRIO MAGAZINE.<br />
A SNEAK PEEK AT<br />
BRIO MAGAZINE<br />
Many adults are questi<strong>on</strong>ing why <strong>the</strong>y need to<br />
attend church in pers<strong>on</strong>, and teens are asking<br />
<strong>the</strong> same questi<strong>on</strong>. These next four pages offer<br />
Brio magazine’s take <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> topic.<br />
What is Brio? It’s a 76-page bim<strong>on</strong>thly publicati<strong>on</strong><br />
for teen girls. The journals, crafts and<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r features, including articles <strong>on</strong> culture,<br />
fashi<strong>on</strong> and beauty tips, are filtered through a<br />
biblical worldview. And more important, Brio<br />
encourages teen girls to read <strong>the</strong>ir Bibles and<br />
grow in faith.<br />
26<br />
46<br />
AUGUST / SEPTEMBER 2022<br />
BRIOMAGAZINE.COM<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
TEEN FAITH / FAITH & INSPIRATION<br />
SUBSCRIBE AT BRIOMAGAZINE.CA.<br />
Why Church?<br />
Discover its purpose and<br />
what it could mean for you<br />
BY MEGAN GOVER<br />
Have you ever sighed while setting your alarm clock <strong>on</strong><br />
a Saturday night for church <strong>the</strong> next morning? After a week<br />
of waking up early for school, homework and extracurricular<br />
activities, sleeping in <strong>on</strong> Sunday can sound refreshing.<br />
There’s always <strong>the</strong> opti<strong>on</strong> to watch <strong>the</strong> serm<strong>on</strong> later <strong>on</strong>line,<br />
right? So, why not hit <strong>the</strong> snooze butt<strong>on</strong>?<br />
In certain ways, <strong>the</strong> digital age is a blessing to <strong>the</strong> church.<br />
It allows believers to watch serm<strong>on</strong>s <strong>the</strong>y may have missed<br />
and offers an at-home experience for those who can’t travel<br />
to a church building. But as we’ve seen with many aspects<br />
of life since <strong>the</strong> COVID-19 pandemic, substituting <strong>on</strong>line<br />
opti<strong>on</strong>s for in-pers<strong>on</strong> ga<strong>the</strong>rings brings a different experience.<br />
And often it’s a poor substitute for real c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong><br />
and community. This reality is <strong>the</strong> same when it comes to<br />
attending church.<br />
ADOBE STOCK–JURII<br />
Why church?<br />
Imagine sitting in <strong>the</strong> fr<strong>on</strong>t row at a c<strong>on</strong>cert. You experience<br />
<strong>the</strong> crowd’s excitement, feel <strong>the</strong> booming speakers<br />
and hear an arena filled with people singing at <strong>the</strong> top of<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir lungs. Now instead of attending <strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>cert, imagine<br />
you decide to watch <strong>the</strong> show <strong>on</strong> a ph<strong>on</strong>e. While you might<br />
be grateful to view <strong>the</strong> event, <strong>the</strong>re’s no denying <strong>the</strong> difference<br />
between <strong>the</strong> two experiences.<br />
Likewise, <strong>the</strong> temptati<strong>on</strong> to replace a local community<br />
with <strong>on</strong>line recordings settles for a lesser-than versi<strong>on</strong> of<br />
God’s intenti<strong>on</strong> for <strong>the</strong> church. God’s purpose for <strong>the</strong> local<br />
body is to ga<strong>the</strong>r. ><br />
@BRIOMAGAZINE AUGUST / SEPTEMBER 2022 47<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27
FAITH & INSPIRATION / TEEN FAITH<br />
AN ARTICLE FROM BRIO MAGAZINE.<br />
According to Scripture, <strong>the</strong> church is <strong>the</strong> local body of<br />
believers saved by grace through faith in Jesus Christ. It is<br />
God’s creati<strong>on</strong>. He builds it, provides for it and protects it<br />
(Mat<strong>the</strong>w 16:18). Paul even menti<strong>on</strong>s that Jesus died for<br />
<strong>the</strong> church and often refers to it as His bride (Ephesians<br />
5:25). Clearly, God loves His church!<br />
After Jesus ascended back into heaven, <strong>the</strong> body of<br />
believers beautifully embodied God’s design for <strong>the</strong> church.<br />
“They devoted <strong>the</strong>mselves to <strong>the</strong> apostles’ teaching and <strong>the</strong><br />
fellowship, to <strong>the</strong> breaking of bread and <strong>the</strong> prayers” (Acts<br />
2:42). This example defines <strong>the</strong> purpose of <strong>the</strong> church today.<br />
The purpose of <strong>the</strong> church<br />
Attending a local church allows believers to worship and<br />
study sound teaching with o<strong>the</strong>r Christians. It is where<br />
we ga<strong>the</strong>r to celebrate salvati<strong>on</strong> through symbols such as<br />
baptism and <strong>the</strong> Lord’s Supper. Discipleship groups foster<br />
fellowship with like-minded believers who can pray with<br />
us, hold us accountable and encourage us in our walk with<br />
Christ. Additi<strong>on</strong>ally, <strong>the</strong> church provides opportunities to<br />
serve our communities and spread <strong>the</strong> Gospel.<br />
Maybe you have a knack for hospitality and like to make<br />
o<strong>the</strong>rs feel welcomed. Perhaps you have a desire to organize<br />
service projects through your church. Or you might<br />
have awesome leadership abilities. You can be certain that<br />
<strong>the</strong> Holy Spirit equipped you with unique gifts to help grow<br />
<strong>the</strong> church. And He wants to use you to encourage and<br />
equip o<strong>the</strong>r believers.<br />
You’ll never know how <strong>the</strong> Lord will use you for His glory.<br />
So, d<strong>on</strong>’t let fear keep you from building His church. It is<br />
our privilege to be part of a local body. But we lose out <strong>on</strong><br />
exalting God’s glory as a community when we c<strong>on</strong>fine our<br />
church attendance to an <strong>on</strong>line experience or choose not<br />
to participate.<br />
How to get plugged in<br />
Do you want to get involved in a church but aren’t sure<br />
where to begin? Here are a few next steps depending <strong>on</strong><br />
your current involvement:<br />
Start attending weekly services. Or tag al<strong>on</strong>g with a friend<br />
who’s already plugged into a church. Then, as you become<br />
more comfortable, c<strong>on</strong>sider joining a youth group. It’s<br />
much more enjoyable to do life al<strong>on</strong>gside o<strong>the</strong>r believers.<br />
Serve in an area of your church. If you love <strong>the</strong> squeals of<br />
toddlers, ask <strong>the</strong> children’s director if you can volunteer<br />
in <strong>the</strong> children’s ministry. Or perhaps <strong>the</strong> Lord has given<br />
you a beautiful singing voice, which could help lead o<strong>the</strong>rs<br />
into worship. Your spiritual gifts and passi<strong>on</strong>s are no<br />
coincidence. You have <strong>the</strong> opportunity to use <strong>the</strong>m for <strong>the</strong><br />
Lord’s glory.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> missi<strong>on</strong>s. Jesus calls believers to “go <strong>the</strong>refore<br />
and make disciples of all nati<strong>on</strong>s, baptizing <strong>the</strong>m in <strong>the</strong><br />
name of <strong>the</strong> Fa<strong>the</strong>r and of <strong>the</strong> S<strong>on</strong> and of <strong>the</strong> Holy Spirit,<br />
teaching <strong>the</strong>m to observe all that I have commanded you”<br />
(Mat<strong>the</strong>w 28:19-20). Your next act of obedience might be<br />
missi<strong>on</strong>-oriented. Maybe you’ve felt called to go <strong>on</strong> a missi<strong>on</strong><br />
trip to share <strong>the</strong> Gospel, or perhaps you could start<br />
with praying for missi<strong>on</strong>aries throughout <strong>the</strong> world.<br />
Attending a local church requires time and energy, but<br />
<strong>the</strong> benefits are worth it. When Christ-followers meet for<br />
Gospel-centered teaching, worship, community and missi<strong>on</strong>,<br />
<strong>the</strong> church magnifies <strong>the</strong> beauty and power of Christ<br />
Jesus in <strong>the</strong> world. And you have a hand-picked role in <strong>the</strong><br />
church to help accomplish this missi<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Megan Gover is <strong>the</strong> founder of Minted Truth, an <strong>on</strong>line community for<br />
teen girls to study <strong>the</strong> Bible and actively live out <strong>the</strong>ir faith.<br />
28<br />
48<br />
AUGUST / SEPTEMBER 2022<br />
BRIOMAGAZINE.COM<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
TEEN FAITH / FAITH & INSPIRATION<br />
SUBSCRIBE AT BRIOMAGAZINE.CA.<br />
Teen girls are given space to journal <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
answers to thought-provoking prompts.<br />
WHAT I LIKE ABOUT MY CHURCH:<br />
WHAT CAN I DO TO GET MORE<br />
INVOLVED AT CHURCH?<br />
ADOBE STOCK–JURII<br />
This article first appeared in <strong>the</strong> August/<br />
September 2022 issue of Brio magazine.<br />
@BRIOMAGAZINE AUGUST / SEPTEMBER 2022 49<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 29
FAITH & INSPIRATION / MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT<br />
Take your<br />
marriage<br />
from<br />
good to great<br />
Investing in your relati<strong>on</strong>ship<br />
improves your marriage . . .<br />
and streng<strong>the</strong>ns your church<br />
BY SCOTT JOHNSON<br />
JOHN AND EMILY ARE<br />
VISITING A NEW CHURCH<br />
and notice an announcement for a <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> marriage c<strong>on</strong>ference. A friendly<br />
couple at <strong>the</strong> informati<strong>on</strong> table encourages<br />
<strong>the</strong>m to sign up. So <strong>the</strong>y schedule a<br />
sitter for <strong>the</strong> kids and set aside Friday night<br />
and Saturday morning to invest in <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship.<br />
John and Emily have a “fair-to-good” marriage,<br />
<strong>the</strong>y think. They d<strong>on</strong>’t argue . . . much.<br />
AIMEE WHITMIRE / LIGHTSTOCK<br />
30<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT / FAITH & INSPIRATION<br />
Dr. Greg and Erin<br />
Smalley leading a<br />
marriage c<strong>on</strong>ference<br />
(PATTERN) KASHEEV / ADOBE STOCK; FOTF STAFF<br />
Maybe <strong>the</strong>y d<strong>on</strong>’t feel as c<strong>on</strong>nected as<br />
<strong>the</strong>y used to, but with <strong>the</strong> kids’ activities<br />
and <strong>the</strong>ir respective jobs, that’s<br />
just normal, right? Life may seem a little<br />
mundane at times, but compared to<br />
some of <strong>the</strong>ir friends and co-workers,<br />
<strong>the</strong>y’d say <strong>the</strong>y’re doing OK.<br />
At <strong>the</strong> event, John and Emily enjoy<br />
<strong>the</strong> worship time that starts each sessi<strong>on</strong>.<br />
The speakers—Dr. Greg Smalley<br />
and his wife, Erin—are leaders at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g><br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> in <strong>the</strong> U.S.. The Smalleys<br />
transparently (and hilariously) share<br />
about <strong>the</strong>ir own relati<strong>on</strong>ship foibles,<br />
offering compelling illustrati<strong>on</strong>s amid<br />
<strong>the</strong> laughter. Some of <strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>cepts are<br />
marriage basics that John and Emily<br />
realize <strong>the</strong>y’ve neglected al<strong>on</strong>g <strong>the</strong> way.<br />
O<strong>the</strong>r insights are genuine “lightbulb”<br />
moments for each of <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
During breaks, John and Emily meet<br />
several o<strong>the</strong>r couples <strong>the</strong>y want to<br />
get to know better. There’s also a registrati<strong>on</strong><br />
table in <strong>the</strong> lobby for small<br />
groups doing six-week follow-up studies,<br />
expanding <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> insights <strong>the</strong>y’ve<br />
learned at <strong>the</strong> event. They eagerly sign<br />
up for a group near <strong>the</strong>ir home.<br />
John and Emily are pleased that<br />
<strong>the</strong>y’ve found <strong>the</strong>ir new home church.<br />
The marriage event has reminded <strong>the</strong>m<br />
how much <strong>the</strong>y love each o<strong>the</strong>r, and<br />
<strong>the</strong>y have str<strong>on</strong>g hopes that <strong>the</strong>y can<br />
recapture <strong>the</strong> spark <strong>the</strong>y felt as newlyweds.<br />
It will help to walk <strong>the</strong> path al<strong>on</strong>gside<br />
<strong>the</strong> new friends <strong>the</strong>y’ve made.<br />
Sure, Friday evening and half of<br />
Saturday was an investment. But John<br />
and Emily are glad <strong>the</strong>y came.<br />
Healthier marriages =<br />
healthier churches<br />
Several years ago, <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong><br />
in <strong>the</strong> U.S. partnered with Lifeway<br />
Research in a study examining how <strong>the</strong><br />
typical local church is influenced by <strong>the</strong><br />
relati<strong>on</strong>al health of its members. The<br />
results were c<strong>on</strong>clusive: As go marriages,<br />
so go families, and so goes <strong>the</strong> church<br />
and its impact <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> community.<br />
Greg says that when couples aren’t<br />
doing well, <strong>the</strong>y’re less likely to be<br />
involved with church ministries or<br />
serving in o<strong>the</strong>r ways; <strong>the</strong>y even ti<strong>the</strong><br />
less. But when a church invests in <strong>the</strong><br />
marriages within its c<strong>on</strong>gregati<strong>on</strong>, <strong>the</strong><br />
benefits are multiplied.<br />
“When couples are doing well relati<strong>on</strong>ally,<br />
<strong>the</strong>y give more, <strong>the</strong>y’re more<br />
involved, <strong>the</strong>y’re interacting with o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
families and modeling God’s design to<br />
every<strong>on</strong>e around <strong>the</strong>m,” Greg explains.<br />
“When a church brings us in for an<br />
event, it’s saying, ‘Marriage matters to<br />
us, and we recognize how important it<br />
is. We’re committed to helping you be<br />
successful in your relati<strong>on</strong>ship.’ ”<br />
Greg also points out that each event<br />
is a welcome opportunity to invite<br />
participants to step up <strong>the</strong>ir overall<br />
engagement with <strong>the</strong> church body.<br />
“During each weekend we emphasize<br />
following up in small groups,” Greg<br />
says. “Even am<strong>on</strong>g couples who haven’t<br />
been to church in years, <strong>the</strong>y’re<br />
encouraged to take that informati<strong>on</strong><br />
and learn toge<strong>the</strong>r how to apply it.”<br />
The COVID effect<br />
Greg believes that <strong>the</strong> extra “toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
time” many couples experienced<br />
during COVID-19 lockdowns sh<strong>on</strong>e<br />
a spotlight <strong>on</strong> underlying issues that<br />
couples were pushing aside.<br />
“Some husbands and wives realized<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir marriage wasn’t working,” Greg<br />
says. “They didn’t want to put in <strong>the</strong><br />
effort and, sadly, walked away.”<br />
O<strong>the</strong>rs, however, experienced a new<br />
level of intimacy and c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong>. >>><br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31
FAITH & INSPIRATION / MINISTRY HIGHLIGHT<br />
“Some couples rallied around each<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r, hurt toge<strong>the</strong>r through <strong>the</strong> losses<br />
and were compassi<strong>on</strong>ate with each<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r,” Greg says. “Slowing down gave<br />
<strong>the</strong>m <strong>the</strong> chance to remember, We<br />
enjoy each o<strong>the</strong>r, we like each o<strong>the</strong>r, and<br />
we’re good toge<strong>the</strong>r.”<br />
Now that life has opened up again,<br />
<strong>on</strong>ce well-c<strong>on</strong>nected couples seem<br />
even busier than <strong>the</strong>y were pre-COVID.<br />
Greg says he sees lots of parents who<br />
feel guilty because <strong>the</strong>ir kids missed<br />
out <strong>on</strong> graduati<strong>on</strong>s, trips, sports tournaments<br />
and o<strong>the</strong>r experiences. And<br />
now that families are busy with packed<br />
schedules, <strong>the</strong>re’s a danger that couples<br />
are drifting again.<br />
In-pers<strong>on</strong> energy<br />
Greg and Erin became adept at doing<br />
social media livestreams and o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
digital outreach efforts during <strong>the</strong><br />
shutdowns. But <strong>the</strong>y believe <strong>the</strong>re’s<br />
no substitute for in-pers<strong>on</strong> ga<strong>the</strong>rings—and<br />
<strong>the</strong>y thrive <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> energy<br />
of live events.<br />
“There’s something powerful<br />
when you bring a bunch of couples<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r in <strong>on</strong>e spot,” Greg<br />
says. “These husbands and wives are<br />
around like-minded people—o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
couples who are experiencing <strong>the</strong><br />
same challenges.<br />
“When every<strong>on</strong>e is laughing and<br />
learning toge<strong>the</strong>r, people realize<br />
<strong>the</strong>y aren’t al<strong>on</strong>e,” Greg c<strong>on</strong>tinues.<br />
“They’re instantly receiving practical<br />
takeaways, and <strong>the</strong>y’re getting a little<br />
healthier right <strong>the</strong>n and <strong>the</strong>re. That<br />
type of streng<strong>the</strong>ning has so many<br />
benefits in a community.”<br />
But Greg does understand <strong>the</strong><br />
reluctance that some people feel<br />
about attending a live event.<br />
“We want to have all <strong>the</strong> answers.<br />
We d<strong>on</strong>’t want to reach out for help,<br />
and we think that we have <strong>the</strong> power<br />
to do it all,” Greg says. “Then <strong>the</strong>re’s<br />
<strong>the</strong> humility of coming to an event<br />
and saying, ‘I d<strong>on</strong>’t know everything,<br />
and I’m going to trust that God is<br />
going to use <strong>the</strong>se people <strong>on</strong>stage to<br />
speak something into our marriage.’ ”<br />
Greg frequently advises couples<br />
that even a str<strong>on</strong>g marriage requires<br />
deliberate, <strong>on</strong>going investments<br />
to keep <strong>the</strong> relati<strong>on</strong>ship growing.<br />
“If you say your marriage is valuable,<br />
<strong>the</strong>n part of how you h<strong>on</strong>or that<br />
is spending time and m<strong>on</strong>ey <strong>on</strong> your<br />
marriage,” Greg says. “And coming<br />
to a marriage event is a great way<br />
to do that.” •<br />
Scott Johns<strong>on</strong> is a senior writer in <strong>the</strong> Ministry<br />
Values divisi<strong>on</strong> at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>.<br />
CHOOSE THE EVENT FOR YOU<br />
Thriving marriages are key to a thriving church and community. <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada offers three different<br />
Marriage Enrichment events to equip couples to make <strong>the</strong>ir str<strong>on</strong>g marriage str<strong>on</strong>ger.<br />
Marriage Enrichment C<strong>on</strong>ference<br />
Sit back and learn from our speakers in<br />
a local church as you discover practical<br />
tools for improving communicati<strong>on</strong><br />
with your spouse, working through<br />
c<strong>on</strong>flict in a healthy way, and<br />
experiencing more intimacy in your<br />
marriage. This is <strong>the</strong> best opti<strong>on</strong> if you<br />
prefer learning in a seminar format<br />
ra<strong>the</strong>r than interactive group teaching.<br />
EnrichYourMarriage.ca/C<strong>on</strong>ferences<br />
Marriage Enrichment<br />
Premium Retreat<br />
These retreats take place from Friday<br />
evening to Sunday afterno<strong>on</strong> with<br />
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you have more time than a c<strong>on</strong>ference<br />
to understand <strong>the</strong> program material,<br />
but you’ll also have <strong>the</strong> opportunity to<br />
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EnrichYourMarriage.ca/Retreats/<br />
Premium<br />
Learn more at EnrichYourMarriage.ca<br />
All-Inclusive Marriage<br />
Enrichment Retreat<br />
All-Inclusive Retreats take place from<br />
Friday evening to Sunday afterno<strong>on</strong><br />
with approximately 5 couples per<br />
retreat. Enjoy a weekend away at <strong>on</strong>e of<br />
our two luxury retreat centres in Alberta<br />
and Manitoba, with all food and details<br />
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marriage speakers.<br />
EnrichYourMarriage.ca/Retreats/<br />
All-Inclusive<br />
KASHEEV / ADOBE STOCK<br />
32<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
Kids & Teens<br />
hearts and hands<br />
A parenting insight<br />
from Larke Ready<br />
TO TEACH MY CHILDREN <strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong><br />
between <strong>the</strong> compassi<strong>on</strong> in our hearts and <strong>the</strong><br />
acti<strong>on</strong>s our hands can take, we trace each of our<br />
hands <strong>on</strong>to colored paper and cut <strong>the</strong>m out. Then we<br />
cut out a similar-sized heart from a different color of<br />
paper. On <strong>the</strong> heart, we write <strong>the</strong> names of treasured<br />
people in our lives.<br />
We talk about why we chose each pers<strong>on</strong> and think<br />
of ways to show our appreciati<strong>on</strong>. Ideas include small<br />
gestures such as giving a hug, raking <strong>the</strong> yard, taking<br />
out <strong>the</strong> trash, reaching out with a ph<strong>on</strong>e call, sending<br />
a card or walking <strong>the</strong> dog. After this, we write those<br />
activities <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> paper hands.<br />
We reflect <strong>on</strong> Hebrews 10:24, “Let us c<strong>on</strong>sider<br />
how to stir up <strong>on</strong>e ano<strong>the</strong>r to love and good<br />
works,” as we attach <strong>the</strong> paper hands to <strong>the</strong><br />
hearts and hang <strong>the</strong>se reminders in prominent<br />
places around <strong>the</strong> house. Each week<br />
we choose a loving acti<strong>on</strong> that we can do<br />
to bless some<strong>on</strong>e. •<br />
Larke Ready is a teacher, writer, women’s<br />
ministry speaker and aspiring author.<br />
MODELS KELSY HALL AND DAUGHTER; SALLY DUNN / FOTF<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 33
KIDS & TEENS / TOGETHERNESS<br />
our laughter c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong><br />
Using humor as<br />
a shared family<br />
experience<br />
BY KEVIN A. THOMPSON<br />
I WALKED THROUGH THE<br />
SUNROOM, where my 12-year-old typically<br />
played video games—but <strong>the</strong> televisi<strong>on</strong><br />
was off. He was <strong>on</strong> his ph<strong>on</strong>e.<br />
“What’re you watching?” I asked. He<br />
explained that he was watching two people<br />
play his favorite video game.<br />
“You’re watching a video of o<strong>the</strong>r people<br />
playing a game? That’s <strong>the</strong> dumbest thing<br />
I’ve ever heard.”<br />
Four hours later, my s<strong>on</strong> walked through<br />
<strong>the</strong> living room, stopped, and said, “What’re<br />
you watching?” I pointed at <strong>the</strong> football<br />
game. He said, “You’re watching a video<br />
of o<strong>the</strong>r people playing a game? That’s <strong>the</strong><br />
dumbest thing you’ve ever heard.”<br />
We both laughed.<br />
In our home, we value humor. Life is<br />
tough, and we need moments of levity to<br />
ease tensi<strong>on</strong> and create c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong>. Few<br />
things are as powerful as humor for doing<br />
just that.<br />
STUDIO FIRMA / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
34<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
TOGETHERNESS / KIDS & TEENS<br />
Be human<br />
One Sunday, <strong>on</strong> my way to <strong>the</strong> fr<strong>on</strong>t of<br />
<strong>the</strong> church to preach, I tripped and had<br />
to work hard to keep from falling.<br />
Later that week, my s<strong>on</strong> faked a trip<br />
and said, “Maybe God is calling me to<br />
preach as well.”<br />
I laughed. While we should never<br />
make fun of <strong>on</strong>e ano<strong>the</strong>r’s physical characteristics<br />
(weight, looks, features, etc.),<br />
we can laugh about our physical bodies.<br />
Be humble<br />
Humble people can laugh at <strong>the</strong>mselves.<br />
Arrogant people lack that<br />
ability. They can <strong>on</strong>ly laugh at o<strong>the</strong>rs.<br />
The greatest gold mine for humor<br />
is yourself. Being able to laugh at your<br />
foolishness and failures shows your<br />
kids that you aren’t perfect.<br />
Children may think you can do no<br />
wr<strong>on</strong>g, but teens know better. And<br />
since parents are c<strong>on</strong>stantly correcting<br />
kids, kids pay attenti<strong>on</strong> when parents<br />
make fun of <strong>the</strong>ir own foibles. My<br />
daughter is quick to tell people about<br />
my inability to cook.<br />
“Dad is much better at fixing your<br />
marriage than fixing your breakfast,”<br />
she’ll say. I always laugh.<br />
Having <strong>the</strong> humility to laugh at<br />
yourself (and giving your children permissi<strong>on</strong><br />
to laugh with you respectfully)<br />
is a skill worth practicing. It was funny<br />
when my s<strong>on</strong> mocked my watching of<br />
a game with my own words. His joke<br />
brought my inc<strong>on</strong>sistency to light, and<br />
what could have separated us instead<br />
brought us toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Be aware<br />
A key aspect of humor is <strong>the</strong> shared<br />
experience. A laugh at <strong>the</strong> expense<br />
of ano<strong>the</strong>r is costly, but a laugh with<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r is c<strong>on</strong>necting. Whenever a parent<br />
and child laugh toge<strong>the</strong>r, <strong>the</strong>y see<br />
<strong>on</strong>e ano<strong>the</strong>r. Our kids need us to see<br />
<strong>the</strong>m—few things are as powerful as<br />
feeling seen.<br />
When my family transiti<strong>on</strong>ed<br />
to a new church in California, my<br />
first preaching assignment was<br />
1 Corinthians 7: str<strong>on</strong>g adm<strong>on</strong>iti<strong>on</strong>s<br />
<strong>on</strong> sexual intimacy. Imagine my two<br />
teenagers’ reacti<strong>on</strong> to <strong>the</strong>ir dad’s first<br />
serm<strong>on</strong> topic in <strong>the</strong>ir new church.<br />
In <strong>the</strong> days before <strong>the</strong> serm<strong>on</strong>, I told<br />
<strong>the</strong>m <strong>the</strong> topic and said I planned <strong>on</strong><br />
having <strong>the</strong>m stand so every<strong>on</strong>e could<br />
see where <strong>the</strong>y were seated. Of course,<br />
I was joking, and <strong>the</strong>y realized it. But<br />
through <strong>the</strong> humor, I said, “I see you,<br />
and I recognize this might be uncomfortable<br />
for you.”<br />
Humor pitfalls<br />
While our humility and awareness can<br />
aid levity, <strong>the</strong>re are a few things we can<br />
train our kids to avoid regarding humor.<br />
• Insecurities. We can laugh with <strong>on</strong>e<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r but never at each o<strong>the</strong>r. One<br />
way we model this is by never joking<br />
about something our children are<br />
insecure about.<br />
• Passive aggressiveness. Hiding a command<br />
or a critique in a joke is c<strong>on</strong>fusing<br />
for every<strong>on</strong>e. Ra<strong>the</strong>r than drawing us<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r, a joke that hides a corrective<br />
message can pull us apart. If you need<br />
your children to do something, make<br />
your request plain. D<strong>on</strong>’t make <strong>the</strong>m<br />
guess what you need or want.<br />
• Crudeness. Every<strong>on</strong>e has defining<br />
lines for what is crude, but I’m quick<br />
to remind my s<strong>on</strong> that <strong>the</strong>re are things<br />
we might joke about toge<strong>the</strong>r that<br />
aren’t appropriate when his mom or<br />
sister are around.<br />
Humor might be <strong>the</strong> ultimate litmus<br />
test for <strong>the</strong> well-being of a family. We<br />
can’t laugh freely with some<strong>on</strong>e if we<br />
questi<strong>on</strong> that pers<strong>on</strong>’s motives toward<br />
us. We d<strong>on</strong>’t laugh deeply when our<br />
guards are up. Mutual laughter is a<br />
sign of peace. It’s a byproduct of safety,<br />
compassi<strong>on</strong> and c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong> in our<br />
families. •<br />
Kevin A. Thomps<strong>on</strong> is <strong>the</strong> lead pastor at<br />
Community Bible Church in Arkansas.<br />
LISTEN NOW!<br />
Kevin A. Thomps<strong>on</strong> shares<br />
how to inspire your family<br />
to be courageous.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Radio<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 35
KIDS & TEENS / HUMOR<br />
when you start analyzing diaper c<strong>on</strong>tents<br />
for proper weight, color and<br />
compositi<strong>on</strong>, as if you’re <strong>the</strong> star of<br />
“CSI: Scatological Divisi<strong>on</strong>.”<br />
Baby-care books instill fear. Their<br />
underlying message is that your child<br />
is <strong>on</strong>e step away from <strong>the</strong> emergency<br />
room. Let’s see . . . Keep baby from sun,<br />
wind, hot, cold, overstimulati<strong>on</strong>, noise,<br />
germs, chemicals, salsa music and cat<br />
lovers! Every beloved item in your<br />
home is a death trap.<br />
<strong>on</strong>e dirty diaper at a time<br />
Surviving <strong>the</strong> frenzied pace of caring<br />
for your newborn as a first-time parent<br />
BY PATRICK DUNN | ILLUSTRATION BY AGNÈS ERNOULT<br />
WATCH FOR THE SIGNS:<br />
• shut blinds<br />
• lights <strong>on</strong> at all hours of <strong>the</strong> night<br />
• disheveled adults staggering about<br />
Unscrupulous activity in your neighborhood?<br />
Nope. First-time parents.<br />
A baby thrusts well-adjusted adults<br />
into a frenzied pace of feeding, clothing,<br />
burping and changing, al<strong>on</strong>g with o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
new ing words. One of those words is<br />
protecting—and even <strong>the</strong> most rati<strong>on</strong>al<br />
parents can go overboard.<br />
It’s a slippery slope, fueled every<br />
time you look into your precious little<br />
angel’s eyes.<br />
You may say, “Goochey-goochey goo.<br />
Aren’t you <strong>the</strong> most beautiful baby!”<br />
What you’re thinking: Mommy and<br />
Daddy have no idea what to do.<br />
Love turns to worry<br />
<strong>Family</strong>, friends and strangers are<br />
swabbed and tested for signs of illnesses<br />
and germs—and you treat<br />
crying like a four-alarm fire. The situati<strong>on</strong><br />
goes from bad to worse when<br />
you replace your baby m<strong>on</strong>itor with an<br />
Obsessor 2000—which includes video,<br />
<strong>the</strong>rmal imaging, vital-sign m<strong>on</strong>itoring<br />
and a mood ring. But you hit bottom<br />
Mentor advice<br />
Many new parents find <strong>the</strong> counsel of<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r parents helpful, a “here’s how we<br />
did it” savvy. But <strong>the</strong>n <strong>the</strong>re’s every<strong>on</strong>e<br />
else who feels obligated to offer<br />
unsolicited advice: “She’s not wearing<br />
a blanket? She’ll freeze!” “I’d get rid of<br />
that _____ (insert any noun); he’ll lose<br />
an eye!”<br />
C<strong>on</strong>sulting empty-nest parents and<br />
grandparents can offset <strong>the</strong>se worries.<br />
However, this increases <strong>the</strong> risk of<br />
swinging too far in <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r directi<strong>on</strong>.<br />
“Hand sanitizer? Hmmmph! When you<br />
and your bro<strong>the</strong>r were 6 m<strong>on</strong>ths old,<br />
I had you poop-scoopin’ <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> goat<br />
farm!” “When I was a baby, a child seat<br />
was wherever <strong>the</strong>y set you.”<br />
Being a caretaker of a new, vulnerable<br />
life is a challenge. But somewhere<br />
between c<strong>on</strong>stant panic and complete<br />
obliviousness is a prudent approach.<br />
You may ask, “How did you find <strong>the</strong><br />
balance?”<br />
I’d be happy to answer that—right<br />
after I install our newest SWAT-teamresistant<br />
baby gate. •<br />
Patrick Dunn is a visual media producer for<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> and stays involved in<br />
<strong>the</strong> Christian music industry. He is <strong>the</strong> fa<strong>the</strong>r<br />
of two. This article first appeared in Thriving<br />
<strong>Family</strong> magazine.<br />
36<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
BLENDED FAMILY / KIDS & TEENS<br />
<strong>on</strong>e child,<br />
two homes<br />
Minimizing your child’s<br />
stress when you have<br />
part-time custody<br />
BY LINDA RANSON JACOBS<br />
ILLUSTRATIONS BY HAO HAO<br />
“NOW I CAN FINALLY UNPACK!”<br />
The night before my nephew, Nathan, left for college,<br />
he spoke excitedly about how he finally would be<br />
getting a place of his own, even if <strong>on</strong>ly a dorm room.<br />
Nathan had been living out of a suitcase since his parents<br />
divorced when he was 11. Because his parents had<br />
shared custody of him, <strong>the</strong>y divided his time between<br />
<strong>the</strong> two homes—a few days at Mom’s place, a few days<br />
at Dad’s, week after week, year after year.<br />
“Whenever Mom, Dad or <strong>the</strong> steps told me to unpack,<br />
I’d go upstairs and dump my bag out <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> floor,”<br />
Nathan says. “I thought, Why bo<strong>the</strong>r? I knew I’d be<br />
leaving again in a couple of days.”<br />
Transiti<strong>on</strong>s<br />
Like many children from blended families, Nathan<br />
lived a life of c<strong>on</strong>stant transiti<strong>on</strong>. Life meant two sets of<br />
parents, two groups of siblings and two different beds.<br />
It meant switching between different rules and routines<br />
and having two homes, yet often feeling as if he<br />
were not a part of ei<strong>the</strong>r. Parents are often unaware of<br />
<strong>the</strong> stress a child endures when he’s shuffled between<br />
two homes.<br />
Children crave stability. In its absence, <strong>the</strong>y may<br />
become territorial about <strong>the</strong>ir bel<strong>on</strong>gings and <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
space. Their “things” become <strong>the</strong>ir security.<br />
I remember a young boy named Josh I was working<br />
with in a day-camp program. His fa<strong>the</strong>r had brought<br />
him to camp an hour before his mo<strong>the</strong>r dropped off<br />
his stepbro<strong>the</strong>r. When <strong>the</strong> stepbro<strong>the</strong>r walked into <strong>the</strong><br />
room, Josh’s eyes filled with tears.<br />
“That’s my new shirt he’s wearing,” he sobbed. “Dad<br />
gave it to me for my birthday. How could Mom let him<br />
wear it?”<br />
To Josh, who shared his entire life with a new stepbro<strong>the</strong>r,<br />
<strong>the</strong> loss of a simple shirt made him feel as if<br />
he’d been betrayed. >>><br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37
KIDS & TEENS / BLENDED FAMILY<br />
Stress reducti<strong>on</strong><br />
As a parent, you can help each child<br />
feel like a valuable, respected member<br />
of <strong>the</strong> family and take measures<br />
to minimize <strong>the</strong> stress of switching<br />
homes by doing <strong>the</strong> following:<br />
Establish an arriving ritual. Rituals<br />
provide an emoti<strong>on</strong>al c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong> so<br />
children can integrate <strong>the</strong>mselves<br />
into a different envir<strong>on</strong>ment. It could<br />
be something as simple as a special<br />
handshake, a high-five or a hug.<br />
Value and protect each child’s space<br />
and bel<strong>on</strong>gings. Assign individual storage<br />
places, and instruct siblings not to<br />
touch o<strong>the</strong>r kids’ bel<strong>on</strong>gings.<br />
Give kids choices. Choices empower<br />
children and allow <strong>the</strong>m to feel as<br />
though <strong>the</strong>y have some c<strong>on</strong>trol over<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir lives.<br />
Assign chores and resp<strong>on</strong>sibilities.<br />
Children feel welcome and valuable<br />
when <strong>the</strong>y c<strong>on</strong>tribute to a functi<strong>on</strong>ing<br />
household.<br />
Keep a calendar <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> refrigerator<br />
so <strong>the</strong>re is no c<strong>on</strong>fusi<strong>on</strong> <strong>on</strong> who is<br />
coming and going.<br />
Aim for a time when all <strong>the</strong> kids<br />
are toge<strong>the</strong>r for planning big family<br />
activities.<br />
Allow children to spend quality<br />
al<strong>on</strong>e time with <strong>the</strong>ir birth parent.<br />
Realize that some extended family<br />
will be partial to <strong>the</strong>ir biological<br />
grandchildren, nieces and nephews.<br />
Explain what is happening to <strong>the</strong> children<br />
who may feel left out, and let<br />
<strong>the</strong>m know that <strong>the</strong>y are special to you.<br />
Most important, pray every day that<br />
you’ll not overlook <strong>the</strong> needs of any<br />
child. Ask God to give you a deeper<br />
insight into each child’s pers<strong>on</strong>ality,<br />
talents and skills, as well as his likes<br />
and dislikes. By knowing as much as<br />
you can about each child, you’ll be<br />
able to truly value him for who he is. •<br />
Linda Rans<strong>on</strong> Jacobs is an author and<br />
<strong>the</strong> founder of <strong>the</strong> DivorceCare for<br />
Kids program. She has written two books<br />
including The Single Parent: C<strong>on</strong>fident and<br />
Successful. This article first appeared in<br />
Thriving <strong>Family</strong> magazine.<br />
38<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
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KIDS & TEENS / EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE<br />
BOYS<br />
FORCED<br />
TO<br />
BE<br />
STOIC<br />
Why you need to foster your s<strong>on</strong>’s<br />
emoti<strong>on</strong>al intelligence<br />
BY TODD FOLEY<br />
YOUR SON RETURNS HOME FROM SCHOOL.<br />
HE’S QUIET, BUT COLLECTED.<br />
“How was your day?” you ask.<br />
What he wants to say is, I'm having a hard time at school. I feel like<br />
I'll never measure up to <strong>the</strong> coach's expectati<strong>on</strong>s. I'm scared I'm losing<br />
my friend to some<strong>on</strong>e else. It's hard to keep going. I just d<strong>on</strong>'t think I can<br />
do this any l<strong>on</strong>ger. It's too much.<br />
When he finally speaks, however, his words are simple, yet c<strong>on</strong>vincing:<br />
“Fine.”<br />
Ra<strong>the</strong>r than risk being perceived as weak or fragile, he’ll put up<br />
walls whenever necessary.<br />
While you may never know exactly what is running through your<br />
s<strong>on</strong>’s mind at a given moment, you can build a better understanding<br />
of <strong>the</strong> world he lives in, learn to create a safe space for him to be heard,<br />
and set him up for an emoti<strong>on</strong>ally healthy life.<br />
The cost of telling boys<br />
to “man up”<br />
If you’re w<strong>on</strong>dering why your s<strong>on</strong> has<br />
become so secretive about his emoti<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
it helps to look at <strong>the</strong> culture he lives in<br />
and <strong>the</strong> language that’s often used with<br />
good intenti<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
Phrases like “man up” have been<br />
around for decades, and for decades<br />
parents, teachers and coaches have<br />
used terms like this to motivate boys.<br />
But according to Karin Gregory, director<br />
of counseling at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong><br />
Canada, <strong>the</strong>se good intenti<strong>on</strong>s can<br />
sometimes have negative effects.<br />
There is a translati<strong>on</strong> process,<br />
explains Gregory. When a parent says:<br />
• “Be a man,”<br />
• “You’re fine,”<br />
• “Man up,” or<br />
• “Boys d<strong>on</strong>’t cry,”<br />
boys may interpret that as:<br />
STOCKROCKET / ISTOCKPHOTO; (PATTERN) THEMEFIRE / ENVATO ELEMENTS<br />
40<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE / KIDS & TEENS<br />
• “I can’t have feelings,”<br />
• “I can’t be a weakling,”<br />
• “I can’t be afraid,” or<br />
• “I can’t feel like I need help.”<br />
The parent may mean, I'm trying to<br />
tell you to step up and take resp<strong>on</strong>sibility,<br />
take ownership, says Gregory. But<br />
what a young boy will often hear is,<br />
You're not measuring up.<br />
Jennifer Ant<strong>on</strong>sen, a counselor at<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada, notes<br />
that urging boys to “man up” can have<br />
a domino effect <strong>on</strong> boys. “It can bring<br />
embarrassment, shame, sadness, c<strong>on</strong>fusi<strong>on</strong><br />
and eventually a shutting down.<br />
To hear those words would mean that<br />
<strong>on</strong>e’s emoti<strong>on</strong>s are negative or undesired;<br />
<strong>the</strong>y are to be stifled, hidden,<br />
ignored.”<br />
And that’s an idea, Ant<strong>on</strong>sen adds,<br />
that’s directly c<strong>on</strong>trary to biblical truth.<br />
“The emoti<strong>on</strong>al part of who a boy is is<br />
part of God’s good design—it’s something<br />
to be valued and embraced.”<br />
Learned behavior from<br />
not-so-great modeling<br />
“The ideas we have emphasized in<br />
socializing children—we could call it<br />
<strong>the</strong> ‘playground culture’—have traditi<strong>on</strong>ally<br />
leaned toward “boys can take<br />
pain, girls are all about mushy feelings”<br />
and d<strong>on</strong>’t mix up <strong>the</strong> two,” says Gregory.<br />
“If you as a boy get hurt and you cry,<br />
you will get ridiculed, so you suck it up.<br />
Whe<strong>the</strong>r you banged your knee or your<br />
feelings got hurt, it’s not okay to feel<br />
that feeling. Boys are socialized in that<br />
way by our culture. The world is not<br />
always kind, even am<strong>on</strong>g seven-yearolds<br />
<strong>on</strong> a playground.”<br />
Even though God created boys to<br />
experience a wide gamut of emoti<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
boys are inundated with messages that<br />
<strong>the</strong>y’re not to feel those emoti<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
Home or familial settings can<br />
perpetuate this “suck-it-up” mindset.<br />
For example, a boy’s fa<strong>the</strong>r may have<br />
witnessed emoti<strong>on</strong>al stoicism from<br />
his own fa<strong>the</strong>r, who witnessed it from<br />
his fa<strong>the</strong>r, and so <strong>on</strong>. “If I d<strong>on</strong>’t see my<br />
dad experiencing his own emoti<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
navigating and handling <strong>the</strong>m<br />
successfully, I’m not learning to do<br />
that well,” says Gregory.<br />
When <strong>the</strong>se patterns aren’t broken,<br />
<strong>the</strong>y tend to be repeated in future relati<strong>on</strong>ships.<br />
“In <strong>the</strong> l<strong>on</strong>g term, it makes<br />
it difficult for boys to have close male<br />
friends,” says Ant<strong>on</strong>sen. “These men<br />
w<strong>on</strong>’t know how to feel or c<strong>on</strong>nect<br />
with <strong>the</strong>ir emoti<strong>on</strong>s well, let al<strong>on</strong>e<br />
express <strong>the</strong>m to <strong>the</strong>ir wives. They w<strong>on</strong>’t<br />
know how to have hard c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
how to resolve c<strong>on</strong>flict in a healthy<br />
way, or how to share a different >>><br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41
KIDS & TEENS / EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE<br />
perspective in a safe manner.”<br />
Ant<strong>on</strong>sen adds that this often<br />
impacts marriages as well. “I have<br />
heard from quite a few wives who<br />
share that this type of expectati<strong>on</strong> was<br />
placed <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir husbands growing<br />
up,” she says. “It brings shame, hidden<br />
feelings, an inability in <strong>the</strong> l<strong>on</strong>g term<br />
to express <strong>on</strong>eself, and even to a larger<br />
degree an inability to allow <strong>on</strong>eself to<br />
feel those emoti<strong>on</strong>s.”<br />
Rec<strong>on</strong>ciling our faith with<br />
mindful reflecti<strong>on</strong><br />
While a number of factors may cause<br />
young boys and teens to feel uncomfortable<br />
in getting in touch with <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
feelings, this discomfort can also stem<br />
from misinterpreting Scripture.<br />
“As believers, we d<strong>on</strong>’t have a traditi<strong>on</strong><br />
of understanding feelings well,”<br />
says Gregory. “There’s a disc<strong>on</strong>nect<br />
between what we teach our kids and<br />
often what Scripture is really saying.<br />
The Bible says, ‘In your anger, do not<br />
sin.’ But lots and lots and lots of generati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
in <strong>the</strong> Church have experienced<br />
that as, ‘it’s a sin to be angry.’ The Bible<br />
FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
ADVENTURES IN ODYSSEY<br />
EMOTION CHART<br />
Let some of <strong>the</strong> most popular<br />
Adventures in Odyssey audio drama<br />
characters and friends help your kids<br />
identify eight of <strong>the</strong>ir core emoti<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Emoti<strong>on</strong>sChart<br />
says, ‘D<strong>on</strong>’t be anxious,’ so we say,<br />
‘stop being anxious.’ We need to be<br />
able to understand what we feel in <strong>the</strong><br />
true c<strong>on</strong>text of <strong>the</strong> Scriptures.”<br />
Leaning into our feelings can actually<br />
help us understand <strong>the</strong>m more.<br />
And boys should be encouraged to take<br />
time for self-reflecti<strong>on</strong>—to really think<br />
about what <strong>the</strong>y might be feeling.<br />
“A lot of Christians get really distressed<br />
when <strong>the</strong>y hear a word like<br />
‘mindfulness,’ but mindfulness is<br />
really just <strong>the</strong> world’s rediscovery of<br />
what Scripture has always understood,”<br />
Gregory explains. “Phrases like ‘Take<br />
every thought captive,’ ‘Think <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong>se<br />
things,’ ‘Be still and know that I am<br />
God”—<strong>the</strong> world repackages that as<br />
‘mindfulness.’”<br />
The dangerous side<br />
effects of shame<br />
When young boys experience shame<br />
under <strong>the</strong> umbrella of secrecy, it can<br />
become a self-perpetuating cycle.<br />
Suppressed feelings which aren’t<br />
acknowledged or worked through—<br />
especially if <strong>the</strong>re’s not a sense of safety<br />
in expressing those feelings in <strong>on</strong>e’s<br />
home or church—almost always lead to<br />
depressi<strong>on</strong>, even in young boys, which<br />
fuels a sense of boys not feeling safe.<br />
For example, if your child is scared<br />
of thunder in <strong>the</strong> night, you may feel<br />
<strong>the</strong> urge to quell <strong>the</strong>ir fears by saying,<br />
“It’s fine, you’re safe, <strong>the</strong>re’s nothing<br />
wr<strong>on</strong>g.” But this can create a disc<strong>on</strong>nect<br />
between what <strong>the</strong>y feel and what<br />
<strong>the</strong>y are told. If this is what “feeling<br />
fine” is like and <strong>the</strong>y are told <strong>the</strong>y are<br />
“safe,” <strong>the</strong>y w<strong>on</strong>’t know how to deal<br />
with <strong>the</strong>se feelings <strong>the</strong> next time<br />
around.<br />
This kind of “emoti<strong>on</strong>al discrepancy”<br />
can lead to emoti<strong>on</strong>al unhealth. “It<br />
means boys are feeling al<strong>on</strong>e, disc<strong>on</strong>nected<br />
and emoti<strong>on</strong>ally isolated,”<br />
Ant<strong>on</strong>sen says. “They are feeling like<br />
something is ‘missing,’ but not even<br />
knowing what that is.”<br />
Several comm<strong>on</strong> fears that young<br />
boys experience can <strong>the</strong>n feed this<br />
cycle of secrecy and shame:<br />
• getting in trouble with <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
parents<br />
• being disciplined by a teacher<br />
• not performing to his coach’s<br />
standards<br />
• losing a meaningful friendship.<br />
When <strong>on</strong>e of <strong>the</strong>se fears becomes a<br />
reality, an unhealthy way of coping<br />
might present itself—pornography c<strong>on</strong>sumpti<strong>on</strong><br />
being a comm<strong>on</strong> outcome.<br />
The young boy may not intenti<strong>on</strong>ally<br />
seek out explicit material but will enjoy<br />
<strong>the</strong> relief it brings from his feelings. At<br />
<strong>the</strong> same time though, <strong>the</strong> guilt of disappointing<br />
his parents or God will <strong>on</strong>ly<br />
fuel a sense of shame.<br />
“The more stress <strong>the</strong>y feel, <strong>the</strong> more<br />
<strong>the</strong> shame cycle grows, and it can<br />
become problematic, even to <strong>the</strong> level<br />
of an addicti<strong>on</strong>,” Gregory explains.<br />
“Most people we talk to who have a<br />
pornography addicti<strong>on</strong> or any kind of<br />
addicti<strong>on</strong>, it can be traced back to a<br />
place of trying to cope with big challenges,<br />
big feelings, big issues, but<br />
not having an effective, healthy way<br />
to cope. So this counterfeit thing<br />
becomes <strong>the</strong> attracti<strong>on</strong> and <strong>the</strong>n it<br />
becomes <strong>the</strong> ensnarement, and <strong>the</strong>n it<br />
becomes <strong>the</strong> addicti<strong>on</strong>.”<br />
It all goes back to those primary<br />
feelings boys may have been told <strong>the</strong>y<br />
shouldn’t feel—anger, frustrati<strong>on</strong>, fear,<br />
sadness—and not being able to ask for<br />
help with those feelings. They can’t ask<br />
for help because <strong>the</strong>y’ve been told that<br />
those feelings are sinful, or that <strong>the</strong>y<br />
should toughen up. “When <strong>the</strong>re’s no<br />
guidance for that, <strong>the</strong>re’s this increased<br />
risk for addicti<strong>on</strong> and everything that<br />
may bring in time,” says Gregory.<br />
STOCKROCKET / ISTOCKPHOTO; (PATTERN) THEMEFIRE / ENVATO ELEMENTS<br />
42<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE / KIDS & TEENS<br />
SIGNALS<br />
Cherilyn Orr introduces parents to her<br />
traffic light model rooted in sound<br />
neuroscience and biblical truth to help<br />
kids manage str<strong>on</strong>g emoti<strong>on</strong>s and<br />
boost <strong>the</strong>ir relati<strong>on</strong>ship skills.<br />
Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca<br />
Cultural changes<br />
Even though family and cultural histories<br />
tend to discourage boys and men<br />
from expressing <strong>the</strong>ir emoti<strong>on</strong>s, our<br />
counselors see many positive shifts in<br />
our world today.<br />
Public role models are opening up<br />
more, including famous figures, pastors,<br />
youth group leaders and teachers. “More<br />
public c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s are happening<br />
with <strong>the</strong> knowledge about stereotypes,<br />
<strong>the</strong> importance of emoti<strong>on</strong>al and mental<br />
health, and an emerging desire and<br />
awareness that healthy relati<strong>on</strong>ships<br />
require emoti<strong>on</strong>ally healthy men,”<br />
Ant<strong>on</strong>sen says.<br />
Gregory points to mainstream<br />
awareness movements like <strong>the</strong> Bell<br />
Let’s Talk campaign, noting its reverberati<strong>on</strong><br />
across social media and<br />
communities. She also notes our growing<br />
understanding of <strong>the</strong> complex<br />
c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong> between our bodies, brains<br />
and behaviors, and <strong>the</strong> importance of<br />
mind-and-body interacti<strong>on</strong>s and soul<br />
care. “Current and younger generati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
have more opportunity to name feelings<br />
and emoti<strong>on</strong>s than people did in <strong>the</strong><br />
past,” she says.<br />
A way forward for parents<br />
So what’s a parent to do? It starts with<br />
small, intenti<strong>on</strong>al moments of c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong>.<br />
“When families <strong>on</strong>ly have time to<br />
check in briefly with kids and not have<br />
regular, deeper heart c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
with <strong>the</strong>ir kids, that can be a barrier,”<br />
Ant<strong>on</strong>sen notes.<br />
Ideas for parents:<br />
• Create time to c<strong>on</strong>nect with your<br />
s<strong>on</strong> <strong>on</strong>ce a day. Whe<strong>the</strong>r it’s <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
drive to or from school, or before<br />
bed, make it a priority to check in<br />
with him.<br />
• Ask open-ended questi<strong>on</strong>s, with<br />
first words like What, Who, or How.<br />
• Follow up with feeling-based<br />
questi<strong>on</strong>s: How does this make<br />
you feel? Why do think you feel<br />
this way?<br />
• Share about your own feelings and<br />
emoti<strong>on</strong>s. Vulnerability invites vulnerability.<br />
You can still maintain<br />
healthy parent-child boundaries,<br />
but by opening up about your own<br />
fears or worries or anxieties, it will<br />
help your s<strong>on</strong> know that <strong>the</strong>y are<br />
not al<strong>on</strong>e in experiencing <strong>the</strong>se<br />
God-given feelings.<br />
If you feel you need more support in<br />
dem<strong>on</strong>strating emoti<strong>on</strong>al vulnerability<br />
with your s<strong>on</strong> or about how to react<br />
when <strong>the</strong>y do open up, please feel<br />
free to c<strong>on</strong>tact <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong><br />
Canada for a <strong>on</strong>e-time complimentary<br />
ph<strong>on</strong>e counseling c<strong>on</strong>sultati<strong>on</strong>. Call<br />
1.800.661.9800 M<strong>on</strong>days to Fridays,<br />
8 a.m. to 4 p.m. Pacific time, or visit<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Counseling to<br />
learn more. •<br />
Todd Foley is <strong>on</strong> staff with <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong><br />
Canada.<br />
© 2021 <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> (Canada)<br />
Associati<strong>on</strong>. All rights reserved.<br />
To learn more about helping<br />
kids handle <strong>the</strong>ir emoti<strong>on</strong>s,<br />
go to <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/<br />
ManageEmoti<strong>on</strong>s for articles,<br />
broadcasts, resources and more<br />
<strong>on</strong> this topic.<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 43
Help your kids<br />
learn to be kind<br />
Take your kids <strong>on</strong> a fun-filled adventure in showing Christlike love to o<strong>the</strong>rs!<br />
Our Kids of Integrity less<strong>on</strong> <strong>on</strong> Kindness is packed with activities you can do<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r as a family. You can choose from a number of opti<strong>on</strong>s for Bible stories,<br />
Scripture memory verses and fun activities like role-playing to practice<br />
kind resp<strong>on</strong>ses, spreading “kindness germs” or taking <strong>the</strong> random acts<br />
of kindness challenge.<br />
As you work through <strong>the</strong> activities that best suit your family,<br />
you’ll help your kids<br />
• overcome selfishness and put o<strong>the</strong>rs first<br />
• be inclusive and encouraging to o<strong>the</strong>rs<br />
• be peacemakers<br />
• resp<strong>on</strong>d politely, even when wr<strong>on</strong>ged.<br />
Download <strong>the</strong> Kindness less<strong>on</strong> for FREE at<br />
KidsOfIntegrity.com/Kindness
KIDS & TEENS / MEDIA<br />
THUNDER ROAD PICTURES; FAIRVIEW ENTERTAINMENT; KINGDOM STORY COMPANY<br />
WHAT TO DO<br />
ABOUT DISNEY+<br />
BY ADAM HOLZ<br />
ONCE UPON A TIME, Disney offered<br />
families a safe harbor when it came to<br />
entertainment you didn’t have to worry<br />
too much about. But, alas, those days<br />
are over. In <strong>the</strong> last couple of years, <strong>the</strong><br />
Mouse House and its streaming service,<br />
Disney+, have increasingly embraced<br />
a decidedly progressive agenda. Last<br />
year, <strong>the</strong> movie Lightyear, for instance,<br />
sparked c<strong>on</strong>troversy with its inclusi<strong>on</strong> of<br />
a main character’s gay marriage.<br />
Many families have simply moved <strong>on</strong><br />
at this point. But not all. Some Disney+<br />
shows, such as “The Mandalorian,” have<br />
generated lots of fans. For those who<br />
haven’t pulled <strong>the</strong> plug <strong>on</strong> Disney+, how<br />
do we navigate this entertainment outlet’s<br />
sometimes choppy seas?<br />
First, do your homework as parents.<br />
PluggedIn.com is a great first stop to<br />
learn what issues a given show, movie or<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r entertainment is delivering. Sec<strong>on</strong>d,<br />
decide ahead of time what your family’s<br />
boundaries are regarding potentially c<strong>on</strong>troversial<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tent. Some families may<br />
choose to avoid those shows, while o<strong>the</strong>rs<br />
may decide <strong>the</strong>y present teachable<br />
moments when accompanied by thoughtful<br />
c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s afterward. And finally,<br />
always leave time to talk about what<br />
you’ve watched toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
All of that said, many families may<br />
very well indeed be d<strong>on</strong>e with Disney+<br />
at this point. If you’re looking for positive<br />
alternatives that avoid <strong>the</strong> worldview<br />
problems that pervade so much<br />
mainstream entertainment today, o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
streaming outlets—including Pure Flix,<br />
VidAngel, Minno, Crackle and Redeem<br />
TV—are worth checking out. •<br />
Adam Holz is <strong>the</strong> director of Plugged In. He and<br />
his wife, Jennifer, have three children.<br />
UPCOMING REVIEWS<br />
For reviews of <strong>the</strong>se and o<strong>the</strong>r titles, visit PluggedIn.com,<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>’s media review and discernment website.<br />
“THE<br />
MANDALORIAN”:<br />
SEASON 3<br />
Will <strong>the</strong> soft-spoken<br />
bounty hunter be a good<br />
role model to his infant<br />
compani<strong>on</strong>?<br />
Scheduled<br />
release:<br />
Feb. 22<br />
JESUS<br />
REVOLUTION<br />
What can we learn<br />
from <strong>the</strong> 1970s spiritual<br />
awakening known as <strong>the</strong><br />
Jesus movement?<br />
Scheduled<br />
release:<br />
Feb. 24<br />
ANT-MAN AND<br />
THE WASP:<br />
QUANTUMANIA<br />
What will Scott and<br />
Hope find as <strong>the</strong>y<br />
explore <strong>the</strong> far reaches<br />
of tininess?<br />
Scheduled<br />
release:<br />
Feb. 17<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 45
KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY<br />
musical<br />
instruments<br />
Livia, 15<br />
The cat is never<br />
far behind<br />
<strong>the</strong> sounds<br />
of our cellist<br />
granddaughter.<br />
— Dot from Nebraska<br />
Benjamin, 5<br />
Our s<strong>on</strong> adores playing <strong>the</strong><br />
tromb<strong>on</strong>e any chance he gets.<br />
— Shann<strong>on</strong> from M<strong>on</strong>treal<br />
Kaylee, 9<br />
Our granddaughter loves<br />
to play <strong>the</strong> piano.<br />
— George and Karin from Massachusetts<br />
Danny, 8<br />
A smile from our s<strong>on</strong> as<br />
he plays <strong>the</strong> ukulele.<br />
—Gracia from New York<br />
Your kids could be in<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> magazine!<br />
Email photos* of your child sorting through<br />
valentines or reading his or her favorite<br />
books. (Put “Valentine Cards” or “Reading”<br />
in <strong>the</strong> subject line.)<br />
Send to: info@fotf.ca<br />
* Largest photo possible.<br />
Professi<strong>on</strong>al photos are not accepted.<br />
46<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
FEBRUARY / MARCH <strong>2023</strong>
Uplifting<br />
inspirati<strong>on</strong><br />
for your teen girl<br />
TREAT YOUR TEEN DAUGHTER TO<br />
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It’s more than just fun c<strong>on</strong>tent; Brio<br />
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Lord, and helping her explore how her<br />
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OF BRIO IN OUR ONLINE STORE<br />
Find Brio and our Clubhouse and<br />
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or call 1.800.661.9800 for pers<strong>on</strong>al help.
Shop with c<strong>on</strong>fidence<br />
at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada<br />
Today <strong>the</strong>re are many ways to shop for<br />
faith‐building resources for your family.<br />
And yet, when you c<strong>on</strong>sider purchasing<br />
an item, <strong>the</strong> same questi<strong>on</strong>s resurface:<br />
Is <strong>the</strong> author offering a biblically based perspective?<br />
Would a counsellor c<strong>on</strong>sider it sound advice?<br />
Will <strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>tent engage your kids?<br />
When you shop at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada,<br />
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We stand behind <strong>the</strong> items we sell, because<br />
<strong>the</strong>y have been approved by <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong><br />
staff for excellent c<strong>on</strong>tent that's in line with<br />
God's Word.<br />
Shop <strong>on</strong>line at Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca or shop by ph<strong>on</strong>e at 1.800.661.9800