I Fell in Love with Hope - Lancali

“No, no–” she whimpers, as if I am poisonous, as if I have cursed
her. I keep her down, because I know if I let her stand, she will walk
into the fog, across the bridge, down the river, and into the dark.
“Hikari, please–”
“No, I can’t– I can’t–” She fights me, the scars on her arms
throbbing, the one on her neck raw from the cold. The shadow is
here, standing over us and whether its name is suicide, self-harm,
fear, depression, abuse, or hate, it will not take her hand. Not this
time.
“Hikari, it will end!” I yell, pinning down her arms. She stills, her chest
pulsing. I hold on to her wrists, our weight making indents in the
snow.
Hikari’s lower lip trembles, her skin cold beneath my palms. It heats
as emotions find her face again, as the shadow that looms over her
takes a step back.
“It will end,” I whisper, shaking my head. “Everything dies and
everything ends, even your pain. Don’t die for it, my Hamlet. Don’t
give it the satisfaction.
I promise you it will end.”
“Even if it does–” Hikari stutters, her breaths broken and wet. “Even
if it does, I don’t want to live for what comes after.”
“Yes, you do.”
“No, I can’t. I’m always going to be sick, Sam. For the rest of my life.
I’m not strong enough.”
“Then I’ll give you my strength,” I tell her. She cries for the night we
lied exactly like this. When waves rather than a river were our
background and stars rather than snow was our light.