I Fell in Love with Hope - Lancali

I thought. Then, he would tell me I was forgiven. That I didn’t need to
be hit or frightened anymore. I dreamt of taking mom with me too.
The next morning, I planned to walk into the road and let the bus run
me over. I kept imagining myself flattened on the road, my skull
cracked open, blood and brain oozing from my head.
But when I sat down, I found something. A book that’d been left at
the bus stop. It had Great Expectations written on the front. I stole it
without thought. The words were too difficult for me to make out, but
I tried anyway. The road could wait.
My teacher saw these struggling attempts and gave me other books
to start with that would be easier. I was determined to read the book,
so I took her advice and read
all the easier ones first.
That’s when I fell in love with stories.
Stories gave me an out, a loophole in life’s weaving.
It turns out I didn’t have to be me. I could be anyone. I learned to live
through pages, ink, and writing. I guess I have you to thank for that.
Without the shame and the loneliness, I would’ve never found my
raison d’être.
Mom encouraged me while you were away on your business trips.
She read to me before bed and gave me a pencil and a notebook
whenever I asked.
The shame and loneliness slowly began to wilt. I shed them like skin
on paper, and I wrote till I became good at it.
I think this bothered you too. Because I became less reliant on you. I
became consumed, intensely avoidant of reality through literature. I
began to learn and formulate opinions that weren’t yours.
I started becoming someone.