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28 — Vanguard<br />
anguard, , WEDNESDAY, , NOVEMBER 23, 2022<br />
Hubby resents my cancer<br />
scars<br />
push him even further away.<br />
Dekemi, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
IHAD a mastectomy early<br />
last year. Naturally, I was<br />
anxious about my altered<br />
appearance, but my husband<br />
reassured me that it wouldn't<br />
matter to him.<br />
But despite his promises,<br />
he's not touched me since the<br />
operation and can hardly<br />
bring himself to look at my<br />
scars. I'm due to have a<br />
reconstruction shortly, but I'm<br />
worried that more surgery will<br />
Dad is bully who mentally abuses us<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I<br />
'M 23. Since I was six, I've<br />
been regularly hit by my<br />
father. He's made me feel<br />
worthless and comments on<br />
how fat and ugly I am,<br />
although I am no longer<br />
overweight. I have no selfconfidence.<br />
But I've started<br />
seeing a man who I feel totally<br />
relaxed with.<br />
I've told him about my dad<br />
and he's very understanding,<br />
but I'm still scared of my father.<br />
He makes me feel like such a<br />
failure. I haven't told my<br />
friends about him and I have<br />
to lie to my work colleagues<br />
about how I get cuts and<br />
bruises.<br />
I don't want to leave my<br />
mum and brothers alone with<br />
him, or I would have left to<br />
live anywhere, no matter how<br />
squalid. Although he's never hit<br />
them; he shouts at them and<br />
they're all afraid of him. I just want<br />
to be happy and I need this new<br />
relationship to work.<br />
My boyfriend is the first<br />
man I've trusted and I love<br />
him, please help me.<br />
Ego, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Dekemi,<br />
Surgery of whatever<br />
magnitude is a big step in a<br />
relationship, and the<br />
transition to the new life you'll<br />
both have must be gradual. It<br />
starts with you. You have to<br />
get the life you had back,<br />
whilst making the most of the<br />
opportunities open to you.<br />
Treat your body kindly;<br />
swimming and gentle<br />
exercise would help. Yoga too.<br />
As you grow more confident,<br />
Dear Ego,<br />
You need to realise that<br />
becoming a confident young<br />
woman who's unafraid of men<br />
will take time. The hurt you've<br />
suffered from this brute of a<br />
Why do girls think I'm fickle?<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I<br />
AM a nice, intelligent,<br />
attractive guy with a well<br />
paid job. I'm in my late 20s<br />
and would love to get married<br />
but my girlfriends have all<br />
dumped me, after accusing<br />
me of having a roving eye. I<br />
don't know where they got the<br />
idea from, as I've tried to be<br />
faithful with women and have<br />
already assured them I'm the<br />
faithful type. Am I doing<br />
anything wrong to make these<br />
women run away?<br />
Ben, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Ben,<br />
Do you tend to choose<br />
women who are prone to<br />
Your happiness<br />
does not depend on<br />
this boyfriend or<br />
any man or<br />
woman; you need<br />
to rely on yourself<br />
to survive.<br />
Be more open<br />
about your<br />
situation with<br />
friends and<br />
colleagues who<br />
care for you and<br />
you will be<br />
surprised at how<br />
sympathetic they<br />
could be.<br />
jealousy? As a rule, jealousy<br />
is a sign of low self-esteem.<br />
This type of women won't<br />
believe they deserve to keep<br />
you as a partner, so they're<br />
losing you to a rival. So, next<br />
time you're with an interesting<br />
woman, listen to her closely<br />
and encourage her to show<br />
more of her deeper self. If you<br />
make a woman feel good<br />
enough about herself to<br />
believe she's entitled to the<br />
love of a great guy, she'll have<br />
faith in your fidelity.<br />
If you don't want to go<br />
through all this hassle, it is<br />
best to avoid the jealous types<br />
altogether.<br />
There is the possibility that<br />
you start opening up to your<br />
husband. Tell him how you<br />
feel about your upcoming<br />
surgery. For all you know, he<br />
could be scared of your going<br />
through another operation all<br />
over again in case he hurts<br />
you by touching you. Slowly<br />
you'll reconnect emotionally<br />
in time; the physical intimacy<br />
will return.<br />
In the meantime, wait, if you're<br />
not ready for more surgery. Learn<br />
to love the body that helped you<br />
survive this and talk to your<br />
husband. Like you, I suspected<br />
he too is just afraid.<br />
father runs deep and your<br />
transformation into an<br />
independent and selfrespecting<br />
adult will not be<br />
easy. Leaving home, then<br />
feeling forced to return has<br />
increased your sense of<br />
vulnerability. You're pinning<br />
high hopes on a new<br />
relationship, but your<br />
happiness does not depend<br />
on this boyfriend or any man<br />
or woman. You need to rely on<br />
yourself to survive.<br />
Be more open about your<br />
situation with friends and<br />
colleagues who care for you<br />
and you will be surprised at<br />
how sympathetic they could<br />
be. You've been intimidated by<br />
your father's oppressive and<br />
bullying behaviour and it's<br />
about time you stood up to<br />
him.<br />
Focus on leaving home for<br />
good and find friends to share<br />
living accommodation with. In<br />
spite of your cruel childhood,<br />
you can achieve everything<br />
you want. When you are at last<br />
free and in control of your life,<br />
far greater happiness awaits<br />
you. Good luck.<br />
without being fully aware that<br />
you're doing it, you ogle other<br />
women when you're out with<br />
your girlfriends.<br />
You may think that giving<br />
the eye to every passing<br />
female is no more than an<br />
innocent male reflex, but a<br />
lot of women complain<br />
about it among themselves<br />
and see it as an affront.<br />
Finally, instead of telling<br />
your women how faithful<br />
you could be, don't make<br />
infidelity an issue or they<br />
may suspect a cover up.<br />
Fidelity doesn't need<br />
discussing. Just prove it by<br />
being faithful.<br />
How can I stop my son from<br />
stealing?<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
SOME months back, I<br />
noticed small amount of<br />
money had been withdrawn<br />
from my bank account when I<br />
was nowhere near a cash<br />
machine. In total, almost<br />
N190,000 was missing and<br />
there was only one person<br />
who could have taken it — my<br />
20-year-old son who is an<br />
undergraduate. I confronted<br />
him and he admitted it. He<br />
said he'd needed the money<br />
to pay off a debt.<br />
I forgave him but it seems<br />
he's at it again, money was<br />
missing from my purse the<br />
last time he came home. I<br />
don't want to get him into<br />
trouble, but being soft on him<br />
has got me nowhere.<br />
Fidelia, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Fidelia,<br />
It's difficult to stop petty<br />
thieving, once it started. You<br />
need to get your son's father,<br />
or any father figure in his life<br />
involved in talking some<br />
sense into him. Is he on drug?<br />
Does he drink a lot or is he<br />
involved in social activities on<br />
campus that cost a lot of<br />
money? As a drastic measure,<br />
you could get a friendly police<br />
officer to deal with the<br />
situation without your son<br />
ending up in court, by having<br />
an informal chat with him.<br />
In the meantime, I would be<br />
careful about how easy it<br />
could be for him to be tempted<br />
by not leaving money or your<br />
debit cards around when he<br />
visits. If he sees how much<br />
he's upsetting you by his<br />
dishonest behaviour, he could<br />
stop. But you need to find out<br />
the reason why he needs so<br />
much cash all the time.<br />
My sister takes advantage of<br />
my help<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
SOME years ago, my<br />
sister's husband left her<br />
with three children to move in<br />
with his mistress. She was so<br />
devastated that I promised I'd<br />
help by giving her lot of<br />
support, but now I have new<br />
man who I'm very interested<br />
in, yet my sister still expects<br />
me to be constantly at her<br />
beck and call. I need my life<br />
back but how can I tell her?<br />
Laura, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Laura,<br />
You made a promise to your<br />
sister when she was<br />
He doesn’t care for us<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
I<br />
AM a single mother,<br />
with a partner that is<br />
highly unreliable. In spite<br />
of having a young<br />
daughter, we don’t see him<br />
for days on end. He<br />
doesn’t phone to see if we<br />
are all right, though a lot<br />
of his friends see and hear<br />
from him regularly.<br />
I haven’t seen him for<br />
close to two months now<br />
and when he eventually<br />
answered my call, he said<br />
I should stop pestering<br />
him. Am I crazy for<br />
expecting him to keep in<br />
touch?<br />
Is he on drug?<br />
Does he drink a lot<br />
or is he involved in<br />
social activities on<br />
campus that cost a<br />
lot of money? You<br />
need to get your<br />
son's father, or any<br />
father figure in his<br />
life involved in<br />
talking some sense<br />
into him.<br />
vulnerable, so you need to<br />
stand by that. You can't simply<br />
ignore that sort of commitment<br />
when it suits you. That said,<br />
your sister should understand<br />
that your new relationship<br />
means you need to put more<br />
energy in that direction.<br />
Explain this to her and<br />
negotiate, so that she gets<br />
regular care for her kids, as<br />
you're not prepared to give up<br />
every evening or weekend.<br />
Her neighbours could help<br />
and there are quite a number<br />
of daycare centres. If you sit<br />
down and talk this through<br />
with her, you'll both he able<br />
to arrive at an amicable<br />
position.<br />
Labo, by e-mail.<br />
Dear Labo,<br />
You’re crazy, alright, for<br />
putting up with a man like<br />
him. He’s treating you<br />
appallingly. It’s obvious<br />
he doesn’t care for you or<br />
want to be with his child.<br />
There’s also the question of<br />
where he stays when he’s<br />
away from home. Is he<br />
playing away? You need to<br />
make a decision – either turn<br />
this relationship around by<br />
asking your man outright<br />
what he really wants, or walk<br />
away and find someone who<br />
really cares.<br />
Share your problems and release<br />
your burden. Write now to<br />
Dear Bunmi,<br />
Vanguard Newspapers,<br />
P.M.B 1007, Apapa, Lagos, or<br />
bunmsof@yahoo.co.uk
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