Focus on the Family Magazine - October/November 2022
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics. Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
It can be a struggle to raise a family while balancing your work life, social life and relationships. Focus on the Family magazine is here to help! Each complimentary issue delivers fresh, practical Biblical guidance on family and life topics.
Every issue comes packed with relevant advice to build up your kids, strengthen your marriage, navigate entertainment and culture, and handle common challenges you may face in your marriage and parenting journeys. Plus you'll find seasonal advice ranging from back-to-school activities to date night tips for you and your spouse.
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Helping Families Thrive in Christ<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong><br />
WHAT<br />
DO YOU<br />
EXPECT?<br />
Overcome<br />
unrealistic<br />
expectati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
in marriage<br />
Luke<br />
Smallb<strong>on</strong>e<br />
of FOR KING + COUNTRY<br />
with his wife, Courtney<br />
PAGE 26<br />
THE<br />
SPACE<br />
TO<br />
CREATE
The pressures facing families<br />
today are growing<br />
You can give couples, parents, grandparents, children, aunts and uncles<br />
practical help for <strong>the</strong> issues <strong>the</strong>y’re facing. Whe<strong>the</strong>r it’s a broadcast, article,<br />
video series or PDF download, families are finding help through <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
<strong>Family</strong> Canada. Your support will allow us to develop even more resources<br />
and address more of <strong>the</strong> topics that families are facing <strong>the</strong>se days.<br />
Will you d<strong>on</strong>ate today so every family looking for biblically<br />
based support can get <strong>the</strong> help <strong>the</strong>y need?<br />
Simply visit <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/HelpFamilies or call 1.800.661.9800
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER<br />
C<strong>on</strong>tents<br />
© CAREY SHAW / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
Couples<br />
13 OUR FRIDAY CONNECTION<br />
A marriage insight from A<strong>the</strong>nia<br />
Angi<strong>on</strong> as told to Sarah Brickens<br />
14 CREAMED, MASHED AND SLAMMED<br />
After feeling belittled by my husband’s<br />
family, I found a way to be at peace<br />
with my place at <strong>the</strong>ir table<br />
by Karen Ehman<br />
15 OUR JOURNEY TOWARD HEALING<br />
After a difficult seas<strong>on</strong> of marriage,<br />
we rediscovered how to have<br />
fun toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
by Jill Savage<br />
18 WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?<br />
Learn how to overcome unrealistic<br />
expectati<strong>on</strong>s in your marriage<br />
by Mike Bechtle<br />
21 UNREPENTANT PATTERNS<br />
How to recognize signs of<br />
emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse in your marriage<br />
by Darby Strickland<br />
24 TWO MUCH OF A GOOD THING<br />
Can your marriage handle<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r you?<br />
by Dave Meurer<br />
Faith & Inspirati<strong>on</strong><br />
26 ‘I NEED YOU MORE’<br />
Luke Smallb<strong>on</strong>e’s bold faith amid<br />
struggles inspires For King &<br />
Country’s musical journey<br />
by Benjamin Hawkins<br />
31 TOO OLD TO FOSTER?<br />
How <strong>on</strong>e couple helped a sibling<br />
group caught in <strong>the</strong> foster care<br />
system<br />
by Johnst<strong>on</strong> Moore<br />
34 DOING MY BEST TO SPOIL MY KIDS<br />
How I help my children overindulge<br />
in God’s goodness<br />
by Sandy Mayle<br />
In Every<br />
Issue<br />
4 LETTER FROM THE<br />
PRESIDENT<br />
5 HACKS & FACTS<br />
Kids & Teens<br />
36 THE BIGGEST REWARD<br />
Our family found a soluti<strong>on</strong><br />
to morning chaos<br />
by Elsa Kok Colopy<br />
38 THE SPACE TO CREATE<br />
Encourage your kids to explore,<br />
innovate and use <strong>the</strong>ir imaginati<strong>on</strong><br />
by Lori Z. Scott<br />
42 THE GRAND<br />
CAREGIVING COMPROMISE<br />
Should your parents be your<br />
children's caregivers?<br />
by Susan Layland<br />
44 MEDIA<br />
45 PRODUCTS & RESOURCES<br />
46 MY THRIVING FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3
LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT<br />
Jean-Paul Beran is<br />
president of <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada.<br />
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU,<br />
but I find gratitude very easy to practice<br />
when everything is going well. When my<br />
daughters are happy and healthy, my<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship with my wife, Susan, is str<strong>on</strong>g,<br />
friendships are fulfilling, work is rewarding—<br />
<strong>the</strong>re is so much to be thankful for.<br />
But what about when things aren’t going<br />
well? It feels impossible to have a grateful<br />
heart when <strong>the</strong>re’s sickness, relati<strong>on</strong>al tensi<strong>on</strong>,<br />
grief and loss, mental health challenges,<br />
global crises, <strong>the</strong> list goes <strong>on</strong>. What is <strong>the</strong>re to be thankful for in<br />
those instances?<br />
In 1 Thessal<strong>on</strong>ians 5:16-18, we are told, “Rejoice always, pray<br />
without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is <strong>the</strong><br />
will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” We are to give thanks in all<br />
circumstances, not because of any pers<strong>on</strong>al strength or mindover-matter<br />
thinking, but because Christ Jesus makes it possible.<br />
He is always with us, always ready to pour his love into our lives.<br />
Even in <strong>the</strong> difficult seas<strong>on</strong>s, he is <strong>the</strong>re, and we can be grateful<br />
for that amazing gift in our lives.<br />
In this issue of <strong>the</strong> magazine, you’ll find a few stories of<br />
people who went through difficult seas<strong>on</strong>s and became more<br />
dependent <strong>on</strong> God and more at peace. Luke Smallb<strong>on</strong>e from<br />
<strong>the</strong> band For King & Country shares his story of how his faith<br />
grew amidst struggles (page 26). Jill Savage explains how she<br />
and her husband, Mark, learned to find joy after going through<br />
a rocky seas<strong>on</strong> in <strong>the</strong>ir marriage (page 15). And Ginny and Ted’s<br />
story of fostering reveals God’s love in acti<strong>on</strong>, even in <strong>the</strong> midst<br />
of difficulty (page 31).<br />
I pray you are reminded of God’s nearness, no matter what<br />
seas<strong>on</strong> you find yourself in, and you find reas<strong>on</strong> to rejoice<br />
in him and give thanks to him. And remember, if you need<br />
any support to help your family thrive, visit our website at<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca, email us at info@fotf.ca or call our<br />
team at 1.800.661.9800.<br />
Blessings,<br />
Jean-Paul Beran<br />
Gratitude in<br />
every seas<strong>on</strong><br />
CLINT BARGEN PHOTOGRAPHY<br />
president Jim Daly<br />
chief operating officer Ken Windebank<br />
chief marketing and<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tent officer Tim Sawer<br />
focus canada president Jean-Paul Beran<br />
editorial director Sheila Seifert<br />
managing editor Andrea Gutierrez<br />
copy chief Scott DeNicola<br />
associate editors Sarah Brickens,<br />
Faith Wismer<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tributing editors Vance Fry,<br />
Marianne Hering, Meredith Hinds,<br />
Thomas Jeffries, Jennifer L<strong>on</strong>as, Jeff<br />
Masching, Rebecca Nordquist<br />
art director Anneka Jack<br />
designer Brian Mellema<br />
cover R<strong>on</strong>ald Pollard for<br />
K-LOVE Fan Awards<br />
media publishing director Kevin Shirin<br />
editorial assistant Kat Bittner<br />
print producti<strong>on</strong> Gail Wise<br />
circulati<strong>on</strong> Erika Lynch<br />
Thank you!<br />
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<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> magazine <strong>October</strong>/<strong>November</strong> <strong>2022</strong>,<br />
Vol. 7, No. 5 ISSN 2471-5921, © <strong>2022</strong> <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>.<br />
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4<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
Hacks & Facts<br />
CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING<br />
YOUR PARENTING HACK<br />
Do you have a parenting tip that o<strong>the</strong>r families could apply<br />
at Thanksgiving? If so, it could be published in <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> magazine.<br />
• Keep it under 150 words.<br />
• Make it hands-<strong>on</strong> and practical.<br />
• Write it from your own perspective, describing what you did and<br />
how it helped train your kids to be more grateful.<br />
Though not all submissi<strong>on</strong>s are published, all are read and<br />
c<strong>on</strong>sidered. Learn more at <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.com/Submissi<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Or send your idea to Hacks&Facts@fotf.org.<br />
ERIN DRAGO<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 5
HACKS & FACTS / GRATITUDE<br />
76%<br />
of parents rate teaching <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
children gratitude as a high priority<br />
source: Mott Poll Report, 2021<br />
grateful for <strong>the</strong> thought<br />
My kids and I talk through what might happen if <strong>on</strong>e of<br />
<strong>the</strong>m receives a gift that <strong>the</strong>y have no interest in. Toge<strong>the</strong>r,<br />
we list o<strong>the</strong>r things for which <strong>the</strong>y can be grateful.<br />
For instance, my daughter doesn’t play with dolls but<br />
occasi<strong>on</strong>ally receives <strong>the</strong>m as gifts. We brainstormed<br />
how she could still be grateful that <strong>the</strong> giver was willing to<br />
spend m<strong>on</strong>ey to buy or make her <strong>the</strong> gift. We also talked<br />
about how to express <strong>the</strong>se sentiments to <strong>the</strong> gift-giver,<br />
such as “How nice of you to think of me!”<br />
By practicing ahead of time, our kids more easily adjust<br />
to a disappointing gift while still expressing (and feeling)<br />
gratitude.<br />
—Elizabeth James<br />
more than a<br />
thank-you<br />
Our family members follow up a<br />
thank-you with a more detailed<br />
appreciati<strong>on</strong>, such as: “Thank you.<br />
I like this kind of sandwich.” This<br />
also applies to instances when my<br />
kids have spent time at a friend’s<br />
or grandparent’s house. We ask<br />
our kids to think of a specific thing<br />
<strong>the</strong>y liked doing as a guest in<br />
some<strong>on</strong>e’s house so that when<br />
it’s time to leave, a child might<br />
say, “Thank you. I liked <strong>the</strong> snacks<br />
you made,” or “I had fun playing<br />
with your toy train.” I’ve found<br />
that modeling and developing<br />
this habit of speech for and in<br />
my children helps <strong>the</strong>m show<br />
gratitude.<br />
—Christina Nunes<br />
LITTLE<br />
WAYS TO<br />
say thanks<br />
When my daughter was a toddler,<br />
we’d visit veterans at memorials or<br />
parades. Because she wasn’t very<br />
outspoken, we decorated labels to<br />
make thank-you stickers. She liked<br />
giving something instead of talking,<br />
so this motivated her to approach a<br />
veteran and thank him or her. The<br />
resp<strong>on</strong>ses from <strong>the</strong> veterans were<br />
heartfelt.<br />
My kids are also in charge of our<br />
thank-you box for delivery drivers.<br />
They’ve made a sign describing <strong>the</strong><br />
offered treats and a note saying,<br />
“Thank you for working hard.” The<br />
box sits <strong>on</strong> our porch, and my children<br />
routinely fill it with drinks.<br />
—Allis<strong>on</strong> Struber<br />
SONDEM / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
6<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
GRATITUDE / HACKS & FACTS<br />
LEAVES OF<br />
gratitude<br />
Every fall my children and I tape a<br />
brown, c<strong>on</strong>structi<strong>on</strong>-paper tree with<br />
branches to <strong>the</strong> wall. Then we use<br />
autumn colors such as reds, oranges<br />
and yellows to form different-shaped<br />
leaves. These leaves sit in a basket <strong>on</strong><br />
our kitchen table.<br />
Each night at dinner, we talk about<br />
what we’re each thankful for. Then<br />
we write our thoughts of gratitude <strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>the</strong> leaves. One by <strong>on</strong>e, family members<br />
tape <strong>the</strong>ir leaves to <strong>the</strong> tree. By <strong>the</strong><br />
end of <strong>the</strong> m<strong>on</strong>th, we have a tree covered<br />
in leaves of gratitude—a w<strong>on</strong>derful<br />
reminder of God’s faithfulness and our<br />
many blessings.<br />
—Jenny Nanninga<br />
Download our free Kids of<br />
Integrity less<strong>on</strong> <strong>on</strong> Gratitude!<br />
KidsOfIntegrity.com/Gratitude<br />
pausing for<br />
appreciati<strong>on</strong><br />
When my children were toddlers, I<br />
would pause in serving <strong>the</strong>ir plate at<br />
mealtimes until <strong>the</strong>y first said thank<br />
you. They quickly learned to show<br />
appreciati<strong>on</strong>. I helped <strong>the</strong>m develop<br />
this habit in o<strong>the</strong>r situati<strong>on</strong>s, too,<br />
including saying thank you when I<br />
delivered <strong>the</strong>ir clean laundry to <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
Now <strong>the</strong>y’re 10 years old, and <strong>the</strong>y<br />
still thank me if I’ve washed <strong>the</strong>ir bed<br />
sheets or prepared a meal.<br />
—Linsey Driskill<br />
grateful greetings<br />
ERIN DRAGO<br />
Though I may have many thoughts<br />
and worries to unload <strong>on</strong> my husband<br />
when he comes home, I try to make<br />
sure that <strong>the</strong> children see a grateful<br />
attitude from me and a ligh<strong>the</strong>arted<br />
exchange between us when we first<br />
greet. And when our family prays<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r at <strong>the</strong> dinner table, it’s<br />
become our habit to start off by<br />
praising God for His many blessings.<br />
—Laura Costea<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 7
HACKS & FACTS / CHURCH COMMUNITY<br />
building<br />
BONDS<br />
THROUGH<br />
MINISTRY<br />
talent <strong>on</strong> display<br />
My two s<strong>on</strong>s helped build wheelchair ramps<br />
and served <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> clean-up crew as part of a<br />
men’s ministry at our church. The guys volunteer<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir time to work <strong>on</strong> small c<strong>on</strong>structi<strong>on</strong><br />
and maintenance projects for people in <strong>the</strong><br />
community. My s<strong>on</strong>s were able to form b<strong>on</strong>ds<br />
with fellow church members and better see how<br />
a team can work toge<strong>the</strong>r, using <strong>the</strong>ir skills to<br />
share <strong>the</strong> love of Christ with o<strong>the</strong>rs.<br />
—Carol Bradfield<br />
Our church hosted an open house for all <strong>the</strong> kids. Children could sign up<br />
for short presentati<strong>on</strong>s to display <strong>the</strong>ir artwork, play an instrument or recite<br />
poetry. The turnout was fabulous, and <strong>the</strong> kids learned new things about<br />
<strong>on</strong>e ano<strong>the</strong>r. My s<strong>on</strong>, Isaac, discovered how beautifully his friend Jacob<br />
could sculpt with clay. Hannah, my preschooler, stood <strong>on</strong>stage with her<br />
stuffed tiger and told <strong>the</strong> kids about her trip to <strong>the</strong> zoo. It created a b<strong>on</strong>d<br />
am<strong>on</strong>g <strong>the</strong> mo<strong>the</strong>rs in attendance, and <strong>the</strong> kids all looked forward to <strong>the</strong><br />
next community event.<br />
—Jennifer Henn<br />
little greeter<br />
My 6-year-old daughter expressed<br />
an interest in helping out <strong>on</strong><br />
Sundays at church. I’m ashamed<br />
to say I put her off at first because I<br />
thought she would distract me and<br />
o<strong>the</strong>rs and not stay interested. But<br />
she was persistent. Finally, I asked,<br />
“H<strong>on</strong>ey, how do you want to help?”<br />
“Like you do,” she replied.<br />
I was <strong>on</strong>e of our greeters. I made<br />
it my missi<strong>on</strong> to take notice of people<br />
and make c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong> with<br />
<strong>the</strong>m. She wanted to show hospitality<br />
as well. So, from <strong>the</strong>n <strong>on</strong>, she<br />
joined me. Quickly, <strong>the</strong> greeting<br />
team understood that she wasn’t<br />
simply tagging al<strong>on</strong>g, but instead a<br />
little sister in Christ who was part of<br />
<strong>the</strong> team.<br />
—Anna E. Hannigan<br />
VICKY SCOTT<br />
8<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
CANDY / HACKS & FACTS<br />
<strong>on</strong>ly AS A TREAT<br />
During meals, my husband and I focus <strong>on</strong><br />
highlighting <strong>the</strong> foods that give us healthy<br />
energy, such as vegetables and meat. When<br />
we do have sweets, we call <strong>the</strong>m “sugary<br />
treats,” and we explain how <strong>the</strong>y are delicious,<br />
but <strong>the</strong>y d<strong>on</strong>’t provide our bodies with much<br />
nourishment. We talk about how too much<br />
candy or o<strong>the</strong>r sugary treats can make our<br />
bodies feel tired and our bellies feel sick. Being<br />
c<strong>on</strong>sistent with this messaging has helped my<br />
toddler understand that candy is a treat, not a<br />
food he should eat in abundance.<br />
—Autumn Shaffer<br />
a sometimes food<br />
At our home, candy isn’t totally off limits;<br />
it isn’t bad, and it isn’t meant to be eaten<br />
al<strong>on</strong>e. In order to teach my toddler, I keep<br />
<strong>the</strong> guideline short and sweet: “Candy is a<br />
sometimes food.” When we eat candy, we<br />
share in it toge<strong>the</strong>r because eating is a social<br />
activity, and we’re celebrating or having<br />
fun toge<strong>the</strong>r. Even our young toddler can<br />
remember that candy is a “sometimes food.”<br />
we buy apples<br />
—Melissa Johns<strong>on</strong><br />
©LEXIA FRANK / STOCKSY UNITED; (WOOD TEXTURE) BARTSADOWSKI / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
designed for health<br />
The Bible does instruct us to treat our bodies<br />
with respect, but no food by itself is really “good”<br />
or “bad.” God simply designed our bodies to<br />
need more vegetables and less candy, and for<br />
our meals and snacks, we h<strong>on</strong>or Him by eating<br />
what we need to stay healthy.<br />
—Claire Walker<br />
I keep fruit <strong>on</strong> hand for healthy snacks.<br />
Eventually, our s<strong>on</strong> began asking for apple<br />
slices instead of junk food. Our kids will<br />
become what <strong>the</strong>y eat, but he’ll eat what<br />
we buy, so we buy what we want. And we<br />
buy apples.<br />
—Priscilla Boafo<br />
Trick-or-treaters <strong>on</strong><br />
average c<strong>on</strong>sume<br />
up to 7,000 calories,<br />
which is equal to<br />
three cups of sugar<br />
or 169 sugar cubes.<br />
source: Nati<strong>on</strong>al Retail Federati<strong>on</strong>
sick day<br />
slideshow<br />
One day when my boys were sick, we<br />
hooked up a laptop to <strong>the</strong> TV and<br />
watched videos and pictures from our<br />
family photo stream. They loved seeing<br />
pictures of <strong>the</strong>mselves from when <strong>the</strong>y<br />
were younger. This activity kept <strong>the</strong>m<br />
distracted and in a positive mood.<br />
—Iva Saller<br />
comforting care kit<br />
After trying to force our toddler to rest (with little to no success),<br />
we decided to create a care kit. This kit has quiet activities (books,<br />
puzzles and o<strong>the</strong>r small toys), tissues, a blanket and easily<br />
digestible foods such as applesauce. When my daughter is sick,<br />
we get out <strong>the</strong> care kit and let her choose to snuggle up <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
couch with a blanket or do some of <strong>the</strong> activities. Since <strong>the</strong> <strong>on</strong>ly<br />
time she can use <strong>the</strong>se activities is when she is sick, <strong>the</strong>y are<br />
special enough to motivate her to sit and play for a while. This<br />
allows her body to rest and avoids a power struggle between us.<br />
—Autumn Shaffer<br />
hot water<br />
bottle rescue<br />
I keep my preschool s<strong>on</strong> still and<br />
comforted when he is sick by using an<br />
old-fashi<strong>on</strong>ed water bottle. I fill it with<br />
very warm tap water and wrap it in a<br />
soft blanket. While lying <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> couch<br />
or in his bed, he puts it where he hurts<br />
or simply cuddles it.<br />
As l<strong>on</strong>g as he doesn’t have a high<br />
fever, <strong>the</strong> hot water bottle calms him.<br />
When he calls my name in <strong>the</strong> middle<br />
of <strong>the</strong> night, I take him <strong>the</strong> bottle, and<br />
<strong>the</strong>n I leave his room to retrieve medicine.<br />
Most often, he’s already fallen<br />
asleep by <strong>the</strong> time I return.<br />
—Jennifer Henn<br />
calm recovery<br />
One thing that helped keep our s<strong>on</strong><br />
calm when he was sick was a late afterno<strong>on</strong><br />
walk (wea<strong>the</strong>r permitting). Being<br />
cooped up in <strong>the</strong> house all day felt wearying<br />
after a while, not <strong>on</strong>ly for him,<br />
but for me as well. A walk was refreshing,<br />
and if my s<strong>on</strong> got tired, he could<br />
rest in <strong>the</strong> stroller. Back home, I would<br />
remind my little <strong>on</strong>e that he is loved and<br />
that I was <strong>the</strong>re to comfort him. I would<br />
pray with my s<strong>on</strong> and remind him that<br />
God loved him and would help him get<br />
through this illness. I would sing, “He’s<br />
got <strong>the</strong> whole world in His hands.” More<br />
often than not, my boy would fall asleep<br />
or rest quietly afterward.<br />
—Julie Murrin<br />
tent coco<strong>on</strong><br />
When our kids were sick, we frequently<br />
turned a corner of our family room into<br />
a recovery spot. By creating an inviting<br />
“tent coco<strong>on</strong>” space complete with an<br />
air mattress, blankets, pillows, stuffed<br />
animals, books, etc., we were more<br />
successful in gaining some additi<strong>on</strong>al<br />
resting time. The new space felt like a<br />
treat ra<strong>the</strong>r than a forced c<strong>on</strong>finement.<br />
The tent’s closer proximity to <strong>the</strong> main<br />
living area made it easier for me, too.<br />
—Nancy Koenig<br />
doctor<br />
IN CHARGE<br />
When my toddler was sick, we pretended that<br />
she was <strong>the</strong> doctor in charge of her “patients”<br />
(stuffed animals), and her job was to take care<br />
of <strong>the</strong>m and make sure <strong>the</strong>y got plenty of rest.<br />
We got out her doctor kit and let her put Band-<br />
Aids <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong>m, check <strong>the</strong>ir temperature and use<br />
her stethoscope. It helped reinforce my advice<br />
that rest is best when you’re sick and helped<br />
her remember how to take care of herself<br />
when she’s not feeling well.<br />
—Emily Yang<br />
ERIN DRAGO<br />
10<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
SICKNESS / HACKS & FACTS<br />
under-<strong>the</strong> wea<strong>the</strong>r tales<br />
Nothing helps my children relax and forget about<br />
what is ailing <strong>the</strong>m more than getting lost in a<br />
storybook while staying cozy. If <strong>the</strong>y are feeling up<br />
for it, I even let <strong>the</strong>m become a storyteller. As <strong>the</strong>y tell<br />
<strong>the</strong> tale, I write down <strong>the</strong>ir ideas. This gets <strong>the</strong>ir brains<br />
active, and it allows <strong>the</strong>ir body to rest when it is most<br />
needed. When <strong>the</strong>y are feeling better it’s fun to read<br />
<strong>the</strong> stories <strong>the</strong>y came up with.<br />
—Alicia Gorski<br />
audio adventures<br />
When <strong>the</strong>y were sick, my kids were much more<br />
willing to lie <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> couch or snuggle quietly when I<br />
would let <strong>the</strong>m listen to audio books or o<strong>the</strong>r stories.<br />
We listened to Adventures in Odyssey, Your Story<br />
Hour, Curious George and o<strong>the</strong>r shorter stories that<br />
were age appropriate. I encouraged <strong>the</strong>m to listen<br />
while closing <strong>the</strong>ir eyes, and <strong>the</strong>y would often drift<br />
off to sleep.<br />
—Martha Artyomenko<br />
Colds affect toddlers and<br />
preschoolers around eight<br />
times a year.<br />
source: Dr. Cynthia Gellner, University of Utah<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 11
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Couples<br />
our friday<br />
c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong><br />
A marriage<br />
insight from<br />
A<strong>the</strong>nia Angi<strong>on</strong><br />
as told to Sarah<br />
Brickens<br />
REGARDLESS OF OUR<br />
BUSY SCHEDULES, my husband<br />
and I find time to c<strong>on</strong>nect each<br />
week. Since I work out of town and<br />
my husband has Fridays off, he rides<br />
with me to work so we can spend that<br />
time toge<strong>the</strong>r. He and I have made this<br />
a weekly traditi<strong>on</strong>. While driving, we<br />
listen to and discuss radio programs,<br />
plan weekend activities and make dinner<br />
plans.<br />
Once my husband drops me off,<br />
he’ll find a quiet place in town to catch<br />
up <strong>on</strong> tasks from his two jobs as a pastor<br />
and university president. When<br />
my shift is over, my husband picks me<br />
up, and we go out to eat. O<strong>the</strong>r times,<br />
my husband and I share <strong>the</strong> high and<br />
low moments of our days at dinner.<br />
No matter our schedules, we look for<br />
opportunities to transform our routines<br />
into meaningful moments in our<br />
marriage. •<br />
A<strong>the</strong>nia Angi<strong>on</strong> and her husband, <strong>the</strong> Rev. Dr.<br />
Stanford E. Angi<strong>on</strong>, have been married for 27<br />
years and have two grown daughters.<br />
The Rev. Dr. Stanford<br />
and A<strong>the</strong>nia Angi<strong>on</strong><br />
ASHLEY BROOKE PHOTOGRAPHY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 13
COUPLES / IN-LAW CONFLICT<br />
After feeling belittled by my husband’s<br />
family, I found a way to be at peace with<br />
my place at <strong>the</strong>ir table<br />
BY KAREN EHMAN<br />
I WAS EAGER to place my firstever<br />
homemade pie am<strong>on</strong>g <strong>the</strong> sweet<br />
offerings at my husband’s extended<br />
family’s get-toge<strong>the</strong>r. Grabbing a can<br />
of whipped cream as I headed out <strong>the</strong><br />
door, I envisi<strong>on</strong>ed satisfied smiles and<br />
sincere compliments surrounding my<br />
pretty pumpkin pastry.<br />
What I hadn’t anticipated, however,<br />
was a backhanded comment about<br />
how my husband’s family never sprays<br />
canned whipped cream <strong>on</strong>to <strong>the</strong>ir pies.<br />
They whip fresh cream and grate nutmeg<br />
<strong>on</strong> top. Sigh. My hopes of holiday<br />
glory were deflated, and I felt like a<br />
culinary flop.<br />
I’ve had my mo<strong>the</strong>ring skills subtly<br />
slammed, my method of mashing potatoes<br />
called into questi<strong>on</strong>—and worse.<br />
Amid <strong>the</strong> different pers<strong>on</strong>alities, lifestyles,<br />
religious beliefs and political<br />
views—even opini<strong>on</strong>s <strong>on</strong> pie toppings—<br />
<strong>the</strong>se ga<strong>the</strong>rings had <strong>the</strong> potential to<br />
cause tensi<strong>on</strong> in my marriage. But I<br />
came to realize loving my in-laws was<br />
an extensi<strong>on</strong> of loving my husband.<br />
A fresh perspective<br />
Happy family ga<strong>the</strong>rings didn’t always<br />
materialize, and my feelings were<br />
repeatedly—and sometimes deeply—<br />
hurt. Although I couldn’t change<br />
<strong>the</strong> people or circumstances, I could<br />
change my outlook and h<strong>on</strong>or my<br />
husband.<br />
I started to rely <strong>on</strong> Romans 12:18<br />
when interacting with my husband’s<br />
extended family members: “If it is possible,<br />
as far as it depends <strong>on</strong> you, live<br />
at peace with every<strong>on</strong>e” (NIV). I’m not<br />
single-handedly resp<strong>on</strong>sible for bringing<br />
peace to family ga<strong>the</strong>rings and can’t<br />
close <strong>the</strong> curtain <strong>on</strong> every scene of<br />
drama. But I can c<strong>on</strong>trol my words and<br />
acti<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
At peace<br />
As far as it depends <strong>on</strong> me, I can<br />
behave.<br />
I can change <strong>the</strong> subject. I can<br />
speak in a calm t<strong>on</strong>e when answering<br />
a combative pers<strong>on</strong>. I can go play<br />
with <strong>the</strong> children or quietly do <strong>the</strong><br />
dishes. Or I can simply say nothing<br />
at all.<br />
As far as it depends <strong>on</strong> me, I can<br />
weigh each word I say, asking myself<br />
if it’s totally appropriate, completely<br />
necessary and ultimately gracious.<br />
Then later, I can look back and see<br />
I chose—to <strong>the</strong> best of my ability—<br />
to create peace. I can give goodbye<br />
hugs and leave with no regrets. Well,<br />
except for eating that sec<strong>on</strong>d piece of<br />
pumpkin pie. •<br />
Karen Ehman is a Proverbs 31 Ministries speaker<br />
and a New York Times bestselling author. Karen<br />
and her husband, Todd, reside in Michigan and<br />
have three children.<br />
LISTEN NOW!<br />
Karen Ehman offers ways for busy<br />
families to offer hospitality<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Radio<br />
ILLUSTRATION BY SASKIA BUENO<br />
14<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
RESTORATION / COUPLES<br />
our journey toward healing<br />
After a difficult seas<strong>on</strong> of marriage, we<br />
rediscovered how to have fun toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
BY JILL SAVAGE<br />
©JOE ST.PIERRE PHOTOGRAPHY / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
(PATTERN) ALEXANDERZAM / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
WE HAD THE CONVERSATION<br />
<strong>on</strong> a Thursday afterno<strong>on</strong> while driving<br />
home from our marriage counseling<br />
appointment. My husband, Mark, and I<br />
were just four m<strong>on</strong>ths into our year-anda-half<br />
marriage restorati<strong>on</strong> journey after<br />
his infidelity. Counseling appointments,<br />
apologies, forgiveness and an attempt to<br />
figure out <strong>the</strong> underlying dysfuncti<strong>on</strong> in<br />
our relati<strong>on</strong>ship were c<strong>on</strong>suming most of<br />
our time and energy.<br />
As we made <strong>the</strong> hour-l<strong>on</strong>g drive home,<br />
Mark broke <strong>the</strong> silence. “So when do we get<br />
to start having fun toge<strong>the</strong>r again?”<br />
It was a questi<strong>on</strong> I’d also been feeling but<br />
hadn’t been able to put into words. I was<br />
grateful he’d verbalized my thoughts. Yes, it<br />
was time for us to put some fun back into<br />
our relati<strong>on</strong>ship.<br />
Enjoying life again as a couple is important<br />
after experiencing a marriage crisis or a<br />
hard seas<strong>on</strong> toge<strong>the</strong>r. Yet as Mark and I discovered,<br />
this doesn’t just happen. We had<br />
to intenti<strong>on</strong>ally put <strong>the</strong> fun back into our<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship.<br />
Whe<strong>the</strong>r you and your spouse have been<br />
through a crisis or just need fresh ideas<br />
to enjoy each o<strong>the</strong>r, here are some strategies<br />
that can increase <strong>the</strong> fun factor in your<br />
marriage. >>><br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 15
COUPLES / RESTORATION<br />
Laugh toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
As Mark and I recognized <strong>the</strong> need for<br />
fun in our relati<strong>on</strong>ship, we intenti<strong>on</strong>ally<br />
began to look for <strong>the</strong> funny side<br />
of life again. We shared ligh<strong>the</strong>arted<br />
memes with each o<strong>the</strong>r and watched<br />
Christian comedians <strong>on</strong> YouTube. We<br />
talked about funny things we heard or<br />
experienced throughout <strong>the</strong> day. As<br />
we laughed toge<strong>the</strong>r, we felt that easy<br />
b<strong>on</strong>d we’d had with each o<strong>the</strong>r return.<br />
When we go through a difficult<br />
seas<strong>on</strong> in our marriages, everything<br />
becomes serious. We focus so intently<br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> hurt that we often miss <strong>the</strong><br />
humor in everyday life. But we can<br />
choose to think about <strong>the</strong> things that<br />
<strong>on</strong>ce made us laugh toge<strong>the</strong>r as a couple<br />
and pursue <strong>the</strong>m again.<br />
Create a list of things you<br />
enjoy doing toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
Sometimes we just need to get back to<br />
<strong>the</strong> simple things we’ve always enjoyed<br />
doing as a couple. These may include<br />
activities at home, such as playing<br />
cards or board games, sitting <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
porch toge<strong>the</strong>r or reading, cooking or<br />
stargazing. Or your activities might<br />
take you <strong>on</strong> an adventure away from<br />
home, such as going out to dinner,<br />
antiquing, hiking, traveling or playing<br />
golf toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Mark and I left those fun things<br />
behind during our marriage crisis, so<br />
we made a point of reintegrating <strong>the</strong>m<br />
into our lives. We even scheduled <strong>on</strong>e<br />
fun activity at least every o<strong>the</strong>r week.<br />
We enjoyed each activity and now<br />
look forward to those times toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Scheduling some fun ahead of time<br />
and putting it <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> calendar helps<br />
us prioritize time to do <strong>the</strong> things we<br />
enjoy as a couple.<br />
Reserve hard<br />
c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s for <strong>the</strong><br />
counselor’s office<br />
One of <strong>the</strong> best things Mark and I did<br />
was resist tackling hard c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
<strong>on</strong> our own. We knew we could easily<br />
slide into c<strong>on</strong>fr<strong>on</strong>tati<strong>on</strong>, especially while<br />
we were enjoying an activity toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Since we didn’t want to ruin <strong>the</strong><br />
ligh<strong>the</strong>arted t<strong>on</strong>e and fun atmosphere,<br />
we decided to keep a list of issues we<br />
needed to talk about at our weekly<br />
counseling appointments. That was<br />
<strong>the</strong> safest place to bring up c<strong>on</strong>flicts.<br />
Reserving touchy topics for counseling<br />
kept <strong>the</strong>m from putting a damper<br />
<strong>on</strong> our fun. Since we knew <strong>the</strong> issues<br />
would get addressed, we didn’t feel <strong>the</strong><br />
need to let <strong>the</strong>m leak into our c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
This protected our fun and gave<br />
us <strong>the</strong> freedom to enjoy time toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
16<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
LISTEN NOW!<br />
Mark and Jill Savage share <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
pers<strong>on</strong>al story of rebuilding trust<br />
in <strong>the</strong>ir marriage.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Radio<br />
©JOE ST.PIERRE PHOTOGRAPHY<br />
/ STOCKSY UNITED; (PATTERN)<br />
ALEXANDERZAM / STOCK.ADOBE.COM<br />
Dream toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
When our marriages are in crisis, we<br />
tend to focus <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> here and now. It’s<br />
hard to think about <strong>the</strong> future when<br />
we’re hurting. But as <strong>the</strong> wounds begin<br />
to heal, looking forward as a couple<br />
is an important way to restore joy in<br />
our relati<strong>on</strong>ships. Mark and I b<strong>on</strong>ded<br />
as we began to share our hopes and<br />
dreams again. We started asking each<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r questi<strong>on</strong>s like:<br />
• What’s <strong>on</strong>e thing <strong>on</strong> your bucket list?<br />
• Where would you love to go <strong>on</strong> vacati<strong>on</strong><br />
sometime?<br />
• What do you think God’s visi<strong>on</strong> is for<br />
us as a couple?<br />
• What’s <strong>on</strong>e thing you’re looking forward<br />
to over <strong>the</strong> next year?<br />
• If we went <strong>on</strong> a day-trip, where would<br />
we go and what would we do?<br />
• What dream do we need to pursue<br />
again that we gave up perhaps<br />
prematurely?<br />
Questi<strong>on</strong>s like <strong>the</strong>se gave us a visi<strong>on</strong><br />
for <strong>the</strong> future and helped us tune in to<br />
each o<strong>the</strong>r’s desires.<br />
Explore<br />
If you and your spouse have trouble<br />
finding comm<strong>on</strong> ground in your pursuit<br />
of fun, you’re not al<strong>on</strong>e. This often<br />
happens with couples whose lives and<br />
interests have changed over <strong>the</strong> years.<br />
But d<strong>on</strong>’t believe for <strong>on</strong>e minute that<br />
this makes you incompatible. (After all,<br />
every married couple is w<strong>on</strong>derfully<br />
incompatible!) Instead, see those differences<br />
as permissi<strong>on</strong> to explore new<br />
activities toge<strong>the</strong>r. You might be pleasantly<br />
surprised.<br />
Mark and I had to resist clinging to<br />
our likes and dislikes and instead be<br />
willing to give new things a try. When<br />
I suggested taking dance less<strong>on</strong>s, my<br />
husband balked at first, but he found<br />
that he actually enjoyed learning how<br />
to swing dance. Initially I didn’t like<br />
<strong>the</strong> idea of riding with him <strong>on</strong> his<br />
motorcycle, but after I got past my<br />
fear, I grew to love those times toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Sure, we tried some activities that <strong>on</strong>e<br />
or both of us didn’t enjoy, but we just<br />
crossed <strong>the</strong>m off our list. More often<br />
than not, we were surprised that we<br />
actually enjoyed more activities than<br />
we thought we would.<br />
Ultimately, it’s all about attitude.<br />
When it comes to having fun toge<strong>the</strong>r,<br />
an “I’m willing to give it a try” mentality<br />
goes a l<strong>on</strong>g way! •<br />
Jill Savage is a wife, mom and marriage coach.<br />
She and her husband, Mark, are <strong>the</strong> authors<br />
of No More Perfect Marriages: Experience <strong>the</strong><br />
freedom of being real toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 17
COUPLES / EXPECTATIONS<br />
what do you expect?
EXPECTATIONS / COUPLES<br />
Learn how to overcome<br />
unrealistic expectati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
in your marriage<br />
BY MIKE BECHTLE<br />
ILLUSTRATION BY LUISA JUNG<br />
ON DAY ONE OF OUR<br />
HONEYMOON, I was looking<br />
forward to relaxing. For me that meant<br />
reading and having deep c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
with my new wife. After our crazy seas<strong>on</strong><br />
of wedding preparati<strong>on</strong>, I assumed<br />
Diane would feel <strong>the</strong> same way. But<br />
she wanted to hike and explore and go<br />
places and was c<strong>on</strong>vinced that’s what<br />
I wanted to do as well. In <strong>the</strong> end, we<br />
went for a l<strong>on</strong>g hike and had a deep<br />
discussi<strong>on</strong> about expectati<strong>on</strong>s. We<br />
addressed <strong>the</strong>m early enough that <strong>the</strong>y<br />
didn’t threaten <strong>the</strong> well-being of our<br />
new marriage.<br />
Clear expectati<strong>on</strong>s open <strong>the</strong> door<br />
to healthy relati<strong>on</strong>ships. But when<br />
we d<strong>on</strong>’t communicate or handle<br />
our expectati<strong>on</strong>s well, <strong>the</strong>y can wreak<br />
havoc <strong>on</strong> our marriages. Let’s c<strong>on</strong>sider<br />
two of <strong>the</strong> most dangerous expectati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
so we can identify <strong>the</strong>m when<br />
<strong>the</strong>y pop up and deal with <strong>the</strong>m in a<br />
healthy way.<br />
Unrealistic expectati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
of yourself<br />
“I found a great throw pillow <strong>on</strong> sale<br />
today,” Diane told me. “It’s <strong>the</strong> exact<br />
color we’ve been looking for to go with<br />
<strong>the</strong> living-room couch. It was $30, but<br />
it’s marked down to $6. Do we have<br />
enough m<strong>on</strong>ey in <strong>the</strong> budget to get it?”<br />
“Yes,” I lied. “Of course.”<br />
We didn’t have $6. It was early in our<br />
marriage, and m<strong>on</strong>ey was tight. Since<br />
I handled <strong>the</strong> finances, Diane was just<br />
asking if we could afford to get <strong>the</strong> pillow.<br />
Yet I assumed that if I told her <strong>the</strong><br />
truth, she would be disappointed—not<br />
just that she couldn’t buy <strong>the</strong> pillow,<br />
but in me as a provider as well.<br />
I believed that because I was <strong>the</strong><br />
husband, I should be good at handling<br />
m<strong>on</strong>ey. In truth, I was terrible at it,<br />
but I tried to cover up my inadequacy,<br />
which made everything worse.<br />
I put our finances at risk because I<br />
expected I could be a perfect husband,<br />
and that was more important to me<br />
than being h<strong>on</strong>est with Diane. Worse,<br />
my wife wasn’t getting to know <strong>the</strong> real<br />
me because I was hiding behind a false<br />
image of myself. I could never meet<br />
my own expectati<strong>on</strong>, but ra<strong>the</strong>r than<br />
let it go, I clung to it—until she learned<br />
<strong>the</strong> truth when checks bounced and<br />
creditors called. That led to tough c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
that were embarrassing for<br />
me, but it also forced us to be h<strong>on</strong>est<br />
with each o<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
I had to admit that I wasn’t good<br />
with finances. My gift was creativity,<br />
but Diane was gifted with logic and<br />
order. So she took over <strong>the</strong> budget, and<br />
we both relaxed. I came to realize that<br />
not being able to handle our finances<br />
didn’t mean I wasn’t a good husband<br />
or provider.<br />
Our spouses d<strong>on</strong>’t need us to be perfect;<br />
<strong>the</strong>y just need us to be h<strong>on</strong>est and<br />
au<strong>the</strong>ntic. Had I been up-fr<strong>on</strong>t with<br />
Diane about our finances and my failure<br />
in managing <strong>the</strong>m, we could have<br />
worked out a soluti<strong>on</strong> toge<strong>the</strong>r ra<strong>the</strong>r<br />
than waiting until <strong>the</strong> truth seeped<br />
out and <strong>the</strong> problems were bigger and<br />
more c<strong>on</strong>sequential.<br />
Unrealistic expectati<strong>on</strong>s of<br />
your spouse<br />
The first time I put away <strong>the</strong> dishes in<br />
our new home, I didn’t tell Diane I had<br />
d<strong>on</strong>e it. I wanted her to notice and tell<br />
me how amazing I was. But she didn’t<br />
notice, and I was hurt. Then I got quiet,<br />
hoping she would figure out what was<br />
wr<strong>on</strong>g. She didn’t notice that ei<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
Expecting our spouses to be mind<br />
readers can lead to untold misunderstandings<br />
and arguments, withdrawal<br />
and a loss of intimacy. Fortunately,<br />
I slowly realized that being a mind<br />
reader wasn’t in Diane’s skill set. By<br />
placing that expectati<strong>on</strong> <strong>on</strong> her, I was<br />
disrespecting her. She needed me to<br />
h<strong>on</strong>or her by communicating exactly<br />
what I wanted her to know, understand<br />
or do. >>><br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 19
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When we moved into our current<br />
house 15 years ago, we noticed how<br />
dated <strong>the</strong> baseboards looked. We<br />
replaced <strong>the</strong>m <strong>on</strong>e room at a time but<br />
never got around to <strong>the</strong> guest room.<br />
The room needed new carpeting, so<br />
we figured we’d update <strong>the</strong> baseboards<br />
<strong>the</strong>n. But finances got tight, and <strong>the</strong><br />
old carpet remained.<br />
One day, I noticed those baseboards<br />
had never been painted. I decided to<br />
tackle <strong>the</strong>m even though we still hadn’t<br />
replaced <strong>the</strong> old carpet. So I pulled<br />
back <strong>the</strong> furniture and gave those baseboards<br />
a fresh coat of white paint.<br />
When Diane came home, I didn’t<br />
wait for her to notice. I simply said,<br />
“Could you come into <strong>the</strong> guest room<br />
so you can ooh and aah over <strong>the</strong> baseboards<br />
I painted?”<br />
She grabbed my hand, and we<br />
walked into <strong>the</strong> guest room toge<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
She slowly looked around and playfully<br />
said, “Ooh! Aah!” Then she followed<br />
up with a genuine compliment: “This<br />
looks like a totally different room. The<br />
new paint lightens <strong>the</strong> whole place.<br />
You did a great job. Thanks!”<br />
It was direct. It was fun. And <strong>the</strong><br />
respect and praise I received from her<br />
lasted several days. Why? Because I<br />
told her exactly what I needed.<br />
Two simple soluti<strong>on</strong>s<br />
We can neutralize <strong>the</strong>se dangerous<br />
expectati<strong>on</strong>s by applying two simple<br />
soluti<strong>on</strong>s. First, we need to adjust our<br />
expectati<strong>on</strong>s of ourselves and our<br />
spouses. I’ve learned that I d<strong>on</strong>’t need<br />
to be perfect to be a good spouse. I<br />
love my wife best by being myself with<br />
her. I also h<strong>on</strong>or her when I share what<br />
I’m thinking instead of expecting her<br />
to be a mind reader.<br />
Our spouses d<strong>on</strong>’t<br />
need us to be perfect;<br />
<strong>the</strong>y just need us<br />
to be h<strong>on</strong>est and<br />
au<strong>the</strong>ntic.<br />
The sec<strong>on</strong>d soluti<strong>on</strong> is to communicate<br />
openly and h<strong>on</strong>estly with each<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r. It takes some humility, but <strong>on</strong>ce<br />
we start c<strong>on</strong>necting au<strong>the</strong>ntically, c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
about expectati<strong>on</strong>s become<br />
easier. Engaging in real dialogue with<br />
our spouses helps us learn what each<br />
pers<strong>on</strong> really desires. That builds trust,<br />
which is <strong>the</strong> foundati<strong>on</strong> of any healthy<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship. It starts with a simple<br />
statement like “Hey, h<strong>on</strong>ey, let me tell<br />
you what I’m thinking” or “Can I share<br />
with you what’s going <strong>on</strong>?”<br />
When a couple get married, two separate<br />
people become <strong>on</strong>e (Mat<strong>the</strong>w<br />
19:5). Expectati<strong>on</strong>s can divide us and<br />
ultimately harm our marriage if we<br />
d<strong>on</strong>’t talk about <strong>the</strong>m. But sharing<br />
our expectati<strong>on</strong>s and listening to each<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r with an open mind draws us<br />
closer and safeguards our love. •<br />
Mike Bechtle is <strong>the</strong> author of many books,<br />
including Dealing With <strong>the</strong> Elephant in <strong>the</strong><br />
Room: Moving from tough c<strong>on</strong>versati<strong>on</strong>s to<br />
healthy communicati<strong>on</strong>.<br />
LISTEN NOW!<br />
Hear more from Mike Bechtle as<br />
he talks about how to use your<br />
unique pers<strong>on</strong>ality to share your<br />
faith with o<strong>the</strong>rs.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Radio
EMOTIONAL ABUSE / COUPLES<br />
How to recognize signs<br />
of emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse in<br />
your marriage<br />
BY DARBY STRICKLAND<br />
SITTING WITH HER HUSBAND in<br />
fr<strong>on</strong>t of <strong>the</strong>ir pastor, trying not to cry, Angela*<br />
spoke softly. “I’m worn out. I’ve been trying to<br />
please Jas<strong>on</strong>* while also caring for our home and<br />
family. But I feel like nothing I do is ever enough.<br />
I just never know when he’ll be angry with me.<br />
When he is, he yells and <strong>the</strong>n ignores me for days.”<br />
Angela c<strong>on</strong>tinued, “Three nights ago, Jas<strong>on</strong><br />
spent over an hour pointing out all <strong>the</strong> things<br />
I did not do that day.”<br />
Jas<strong>on</strong> interjected: “When I get home, I want<br />
things to be in order and dinner made. Instead,<br />
I come home to find you still in your pajamas and<br />
<strong>the</strong> house looking like a disaster area!”<br />
Familiar with defending herself, Angela started<br />
to explain. “Hailey was sick that day with a stomach<br />
bug, so . . .”<br />
Jas<strong>on</strong> interrupted her. “You should hear your<br />
whiny voice. Some<strong>on</strong>e devoted to <strong>the</strong>ir marriage<br />
doesn’t complain about caring for <strong>the</strong>ir children or<br />
use <strong>the</strong>m as an excuse!” Jas<strong>on</strong> was looking for <strong>the</strong><br />
pastor to agree with his frustrati<strong>on</strong>, but instead, he<br />
was handing Angela tissues. >>><br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 21
COUPLES / EMOTIONAL ABUSE<br />
Is this emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse?<br />
Jas<strong>on</strong>’s criticism is harsh, and his<br />
words are deeply hurtful and unsettling.<br />
Is this just a typical marriage<br />
c<strong>on</strong>flict, or is it something more serious?<br />
Emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse occurs when <strong>on</strong>e<br />
spouse habitually elevates his or her<br />
self-interest over <strong>the</strong> interests of <strong>the</strong><br />
o<strong>the</strong>r. An emoti<strong>on</strong>ally abusive spouse<br />
seeks to dominate <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r through<br />
patterns of n<strong>on</strong>violent, yet coercive,<br />
punishing behaviors. All attenti<strong>on</strong> in<br />
<strong>the</strong> relati<strong>on</strong>ship is centered <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
abuser and his or her demands.<br />
But, a word of cauti<strong>on</strong>, emoti<strong>on</strong>al<br />
abuse is <strong>on</strong>e of <strong>the</strong> hardest forms of<br />
abuse to recognize. Determining its<br />
presence cannot solely be determined<br />
by incidents of ugly behaviors including<br />
name-calling, blame-shifting and<br />
yelling in anger. Sins like <strong>the</strong>se occur in<br />
most marriages at some time or o<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
The difference is that, for most spouses<br />
who’ve acted out in such an inappropriate<br />
manner, <strong>the</strong>y are moved by <strong>the</strong><br />
pain <strong>the</strong>y’ve caused and eventually<br />
repent. Again, emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse typically<br />
involves <strong>on</strong>going, unrepentant<br />
patterns of coerci<strong>on</strong> and c<strong>on</strong>trol.<br />
To decide if Jas<strong>on</strong> is abusive to<br />
Angela, we would want to find out<br />
more about <strong>the</strong>ir marriage. Are his<br />
desires healthy <strong>on</strong>es or unreas<strong>on</strong>able<br />
demands? How does he resp<strong>on</strong>d when<br />
he’s disappointed? Does he have an<br />
<strong>on</strong>going pattern of ignoring and berating<br />
her when she doesn’t meet his<br />
expectati<strong>on</strong>s? Is she afraid to express<br />
how he hurts her? Looking for <strong>the</strong>se<br />
patterns of coercive c<strong>on</strong>trol is key.<br />
Criticism and c<strong>on</strong>flict<br />
As <strong>the</strong> meeting with <strong>the</strong>ir pastor went<br />
<strong>on</strong>, Jas<strong>on</strong> c<strong>on</strong>tinued his criticism.<br />
“Angela’s always tending to <strong>the</strong> kids,<br />
but I have needs, too. I’ve put up with<br />
so much from her. I do not think she<br />
respects me.”<br />
Angela tried to protest, “I respect<br />
you and see how hard you work.”<br />
But he interrupted her again. “If<br />
you respected me, you wouldn’t<br />
questi<strong>on</strong> me. You’d take time to put<br />
yourself toge<strong>the</strong>r and look decent.”<br />
At this, <strong>the</strong> pastor finally spoke up.<br />
“Angela, I hear Jas<strong>on</strong> saying some hard<br />
things. What’s that like for you?”<br />
Angela hesitated, but Jas<strong>on</strong> was<br />
quick to speak. “I have to say hard<br />
things, and she needs to stop questi<strong>on</strong>ing<br />
me. If she parented better, <strong>the</strong> kids<br />
would not take up all her time. She<br />
needs to step up and be a better wife.”<br />
The l<strong>on</strong>ger we listen in, <strong>the</strong> clearer<br />
<strong>the</strong> situati<strong>on</strong> becomes. Jas<strong>on</strong>’s expectati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
are unreas<strong>on</strong>able, and when<br />
Angela doesn’t meet <strong>the</strong>m, he has<br />
no regard for her circumstances and<br />
punishes her with shame and isolati<strong>on</strong>.<br />
We also notice that he frequently<br />
interrupts and berates her, and she<br />
seems to be afraid of setting him off.<br />
Is abuse part of your story?<br />
Do you res<strong>on</strong>ate with Angela’s story?<br />
Ongoing crushing expectati<strong>on</strong>s and a<br />
domineering attitude from a husband<br />
or a wife are not God-h<strong>on</strong>oring or<br />
acceptable behaviors.<br />
If you’re experiencing this in your<br />
home, it’s worth taking an inventory of<br />
your marriage because <strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>flict you<br />
are experiencing might rise to <strong>the</strong> level<br />
of emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse. Answer <strong>the</strong> following<br />
questi<strong>on</strong>s to get a better sense of<br />
<strong>the</strong> potential patterns developing in<br />
your marriage:<br />
• Are you anxious around your spouse?<br />
• Are you afraid to make your spouse<br />
upset because of his or her prior<br />
resp<strong>on</strong>ses?<br />
• Are you exhausted from trying to<br />
please your spouse?<br />
• Are you told you “never get it right”?<br />
• Do your spouse’s expectati<strong>on</strong>s repeatedly<br />
crush you?<br />
• Does your spouse c<strong>on</strong>sistently complain<br />
that you’re a disappointment?<br />
Emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse does not always<br />
take <strong>the</strong> form of cruel words. Abusers<br />
use a variety of c<strong>on</strong>trol tactics. Some<br />
tactics are aggressive, such as yelling,<br />
threatening, towering over you,<br />
throwing objects or worse. Some are<br />
passive, such as lying, ignoring or<br />
22<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
EMOTIONAL ABUSE / COUPLES<br />
sulking. Abuse may also take <strong>the</strong> form of creating c<strong>on</strong>fusi<strong>on</strong>,<br />
“scorekeeping” or discrediting you. No matter what<br />
tactics abusers use, <strong>the</strong>y seek to coercively change your<br />
behavior so <strong>the</strong>y can live <strong>the</strong> lives <strong>the</strong>y want. Ask yourself,<br />
Does fear of my spouse change <strong>the</strong> way I serve him<br />
or her? What am I afraid might happen if my spouse is<br />
unhappy with me? God did not design marriage to be a<br />
place where you feel fearfully enslaved to your spouse.<br />
A final thought<br />
At its core, emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse is a heart problem. Instead of<br />
following God’s design for marriage, where each spouse<br />
helps with <strong>the</strong> care and encouragement of <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r, <strong>on</strong>e<br />
spouse coerces <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r so that his or her expectati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
and desires are met.<br />
Thankfully, Angela’s pastor suspected emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse<br />
and sent <strong>the</strong>m for individual counseling. Why not joint<br />
marriage counseling? Marriage counseling is not recommended<br />
when abuse is present because <strong>the</strong> abused spouse<br />
isn’t free to share his or her experiences without risking fur<strong>the</strong>r<br />
criticism and punishment at home. Initially, individual<br />
counseling is better suited to assess <strong>the</strong> severity of abuse<br />
and screen for a spouse’s safety.<br />
If you remain unsure if what you’re enduring is abuse,<br />
please d<strong>on</strong>’t wait until things fur<strong>the</strong>r deteriorate. Seek out<br />
some<strong>on</strong>e who can help you accurately discern your situati<strong>on</strong><br />
and help to address your c<strong>on</strong>cerns. •<br />
SEEK EXPERT HELP<br />
<strong>November</strong> is Nati<strong>on</strong>al Domestic Violence Awareness<br />
M<strong>on</strong>th in Canada. For more help learning about different<br />
forms of marital abuse, you can sign up for<br />
Darby Strickland’s free video series Understanding<br />
Abuse in Marriage by visiting <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/<br />
AbuseInMarriage.<br />
If you have questi<strong>on</strong>s about emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse or<br />
are worried about <strong>the</strong> dynamics in your marriage,<br />
call <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada at 1-800-661-9800<br />
weekdays from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. (Pacific time) for a<br />
free <strong>on</strong>e-time ph<strong>on</strong>e c<strong>on</strong>sultati<strong>on</strong> with <strong>on</strong>e of our<br />
counsellors, or to be referred to a counsellor in<br />
your area.<br />
For a full list of helplines and shelters across Canada,<br />
you can also visit EndingViolenceCanada.org. If<br />
you are in immediate danger or fear for your safety,<br />
please call 911.<br />
*Names changed to protect privacy. This example features a female<br />
victim of emoti<strong>on</strong>al abuse, but this advice can be applied to male<br />
victims as well.<br />
Darby Strickland is a counselor and faculty member for <strong>the</strong><br />
Christian Counseling & Educati<strong>on</strong>al Foundati<strong>on</strong>. Darby has a Master<br />
of Divinity degree in counseling from Westminster Theological<br />
Seminary where she currently teaches a course <strong>on</strong> counseling<br />
people in abusive marriages.<br />
LISTEN NOW!<br />
Darby Strickland offers guidance<br />
to identify abuse in marriage.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Radio<br />
IS IT ABUSE?<br />
BY DARBY STRICKLAND<br />
Understand <strong>the</strong> dynamics of abuse.<br />
This insightful book offers a wealth<br />
of screening questi<strong>on</strong>s to help<br />
determine <strong>the</strong> presence of abuse and<br />
how to find support.<br />
Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 23
COUPLES / HUMOR<br />
two much of a good thing<br />
Can your marriage handle ano<strong>the</strong>r you?<br />
BY DAVE MEURER | ILLUSTRATION BY SERGIO EDWARDS<br />
I WATCHED THE FINAL<br />
LEAVES FALL from our tree out of<br />
our large living room window. “I wish<br />
I could create a cl<strong>on</strong>e of me to rake all<br />
those leaves. Then I could enjoy <strong>the</strong><br />
comfort of my La-Z-Sloth recliner and<br />
watch sports.”<br />
My wife, Dale, folded her arms and<br />
frowned. “Two of you? Twice <strong>the</strong> laundry,<br />
and twice <strong>the</strong> dirty dishes? If<br />
you’re trying to double my irritati<strong>on</strong>,<br />
you’re succeeding.”<br />
“Think of it this way,” I replied, warming<br />
to <strong>the</strong> idea. “The o<strong>the</strong>r me would<br />
technically be me, but a much more<br />
disciplined versi<strong>on</strong>. He would pick up<br />
his own socks, walk <strong>the</strong> dog and perform<br />
oodles of o<strong>the</strong>r chores.”<br />
Dale looked thoughtful as she<br />
tapped her finger <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> windowsill.<br />
“Interesting. I could replace you with<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r more improved you. I am<br />
beginning to see <strong>the</strong> plus side of this.”<br />
“Replace?” I shook my head. “No,<br />
this would be an additi<strong>on</strong>al me, not a<br />
replacement for me.”<br />
But she was now staring off into <strong>the</strong><br />
blustery day. “A helpful you. A you<br />
who would rake leaves without complaining.<br />
A kinder, more thoughtful<br />
you. It would be like turning back <strong>the</strong><br />
clock to our newlywed days. I might<br />
even want to go out to dinner with<br />
this you.”<br />
The hair rose <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> back of<br />
my neck. “You can’t date <strong>the</strong> new<br />
me. That imposter would ruin our<br />
marriage.”<br />
“I would never leave you,” Dale said.<br />
“But <strong>the</strong> replacement you would, technically,<br />
be you. Same DNA, same<br />
fingerprints, same everything. He could<br />
be <strong>the</strong> wedding vow versi<strong>on</strong> of ‘for better,’<br />
and you could be <strong>the</strong> ‘for worse.’ ”<br />
“You can’t replace me with me. I<br />
can’t be <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r man in your life!”<br />
“You’re <strong>the</strong> <strong>on</strong>e who wanted two of<br />
you,” Dale said.<br />
“That was before I thought about<br />
<strong>the</strong> <strong>the</strong>ological implicati<strong>on</strong>s. I’m sure<br />
God had a very good reas<strong>on</strong> for making<br />
<strong>on</strong>ly <strong>on</strong>e of me.” I quickly put <strong>on</strong><br />
my jacket. “I’m off to rake <strong>the</strong> leaves. If<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r me dares to touch a single leaf,<br />
I will ph<strong>on</strong>e <strong>the</strong> authorities and have<br />
myself hauled off for trespassing.”<br />
Dale blew me a kiss. “You’re <strong>on</strong>e of<br />
a kind.”<br />
I nodded. “I d<strong>on</strong>’t think <strong>the</strong> world is<br />
big enough for two of me.”<br />
“Nei<strong>the</strong>r do I,” Dale agreed. •<br />
Dave Meurer is a humor writer and n<strong>on</strong>ficti<strong>on</strong><br />
book author.<br />
24<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
Faith & Inspirati<strong>on</strong><br />
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 25
FAITH & INSPIRATION / TRUSTING GOD<br />
Luke Smallb<strong>on</strong>e’s bold faith<br />
amid struggles inspires For King<br />
& Country’s musical journey<br />
BY BENJAMIN HAWKINS<br />
Bro<strong>the</strong>rs Luke and Joel Smallb<strong>on</strong>e<br />
of For King & Country<br />
26<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
TRUSTING GOD / FAITH & INSPIRATION<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 27
FAITH & INSPIRATION / TRUSTING GOD<br />
CRADLING HER LIMP,<br />
2-MONTH-OLD SON, Courtney<br />
Smallb<strong>on</strong>e ran out <strong>the</strong> door of her house. “Call<br />
911,” she cried to her husband, Luke, who was<br />
mowing <strong>the</strong> lawn. “Call 911!”<br />
Only a few moments earlier, <strong>on</strong> Sept. 15,<br />
2017, Courtney had entered <strong>the</strong> room where<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir s<strong>on</strong> Leo was napping. She found him<br />
silent and still, with blood running from his<br />
nose. His skin was pale, and he wasn’t breathing.<br />
Courtney lifted Leo in her arms and darted<br />
from <strong>the</strong> room, desperate for help.<br />
As so<strong>on</strong> as Luke saw <strong>the</strong> moti<strong>on</strong>less Leo, he<br />
called 911 and followed his wife to <strong>the</strong>ir gravel<br />
driveway. Courtney held Leo in her arms and<br />
prayed. “In <strong>the</strong> name of Jesus, bring back my<br />
boy,” she said. “In <strong>the</strong> name of Jesus, put air<br />
into his lungs.”<br />
Leo’s skin was turning blue, and he was cold<br />
to <strong>the</strong> touch. Luke w<strong>on</strong>dered if <strong>the</strong>y’d already<br />
lost him. But, as Courtney prayed, Leo suddenly<br />
took a deep breath. Then <strong>the</strong> ambulance arrived,<br />
rushing Courtney and Leo to <strong>the</strong> hospital.<br />
After family members arrived to watch <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r children, Luke quickly made his way to <strong>the</strong><br />
hospital. As <strong>on</strong>e half of <strong>the</strong> popular Christianmusic<br />
duo For King & Country, Luke naturally<br />
processes his pain and struggles through lyrics.<br />
As he drove to <strong>the</strong> hospital, he poured out his<br />
prayer to God in an impromptu s<strong>on</strong>g.<br />
In <strong>the</strong> blink of an eye, life flashed right in fr<strong>on</strong>t<br />
of my eyes, he sang. Never knew that <strong>the</strong> fear<br />
could cripple my chest. In <strong>the</strong> blink of an eye,<br />
<strong>the</strong> light left.<br />
I need You more, he c<strong>on</strong>tinued, I need You<br />
more, more than ever before. I need You more.<br />
Thanks to prompt treatment for Leo, Luke and<br />
Courtney’s prayers were answered. The medical<br />
scare was over, but <strong>the</strong> impact of Luke’s<br />
prayer-s<strong>on</strong>g carried <strong>on</strong>, res<strong>on</strong>ating <strong>on</strong> For King<br />
& Country’s 2018 album, Burn <strong>the</strong> Ships.<br />
Luke says <strong>the</strong> “gift of struggle” has often<br />
inspired his s<strong>on</strong>gs, helping to secure For King &<br />
Country’s success as four-time Grammy Award<br />
winners. More importantly, however, Luke’s<br />
many struggles in life remind him just how<br />
deeply he needs God’s love and grace.<br />
“As a young boy and, in some cases since I’ve<br />
been doing music, I’ve been given <strong>the</strong> gift of<br />
struggle,” Luke says. “For me, music has been<br />
about writing about those things . . . writing<br />
about <strong>the</strong> gift of life, in some cases <strong>the</strong> gift of<br />
sorrow, because it’s in <strong>the</strong> sorrow that you<br />
learn so much.”<br />
‘We saw God show up’<br />
Even as a child, Luke was familiar with <strong>the</strong><br />
struggles of life. In 1991, when Luke was <strong>on</strong>ly<br />
5, his c<strong>on</strong>cert-promoter fa<strong>the</strong>r, David, started<br />
a new job in Nashville, Tennessee. He moved<br />
Luke, his <strong>the</strong>n-pregnant wife, Helen, and <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
five o<strong>the</strong>r children away from <strong>the</strong>ir home in<br />
Australia. But so<strong>on</strong> after <strong>the</strong>y arrived in <strong>the</strong><br />
United States, David lost his job.<br />
The Smallb<strong>on</strong>es were stranded in Nashville<br />
with no m<strong>on</strong>ey, no family and—so <strong>the</strong>y<br />
thought—no friends. The children slept <strong>on</strong><br />
piles of laundry and lived <strong>on</strong> ramen noodles<br />
and Taco Bell 79-cent bean burritos. Both parents<br />
and <strong>the</strong> kids took odd jobs raking leaves,<br />
mowing lawns and cleaning houses to help<br />
support <strong>the</strong> needs of <strong>the</strong>ir household. They<br />
often circled up as a family in a room with no<br />
furniture, where <strong>the</strong>y asked God to meet each<br />
day’s needs.<br />
Despite <strong>the</strong>se struggles, Luke says he had<br />
a joyful childhood and witnessed God’s<br />
provisi<strong>on</strong>.<br />
“We saw God show up in amazing ways,” he<br />
says. “We had people give us a car <strong>the</strong> very first<br />
day <strong>the</strong>y met us. We had somebody pay for our<br />
little sister to be born in a hospital—to this<br />
day, we d<strong>on</strong>’t know who it was. We’d have people<br />
drop bags full of groceries <strong>on</strong> our doorstep.<br />
Checks would arrive in <strong>the</strong> mail that covered<br />
our bills by just a few dollars. That was really<br />
<strong>the</strong> introducti<strong>on</strong> to America for us. Americans<br />
have been so generous and kind to us.”<br />
In 1994, <strong>the</strong> Smallb<strong>on</strong>e family got a big<br />
break when Luke’s teenage sister, known<br />
“For me, music<br />
has been about<br />
writing about<br />
those things . . .<br />
writing about<br />
<strong>the</strong> gift of life, in<br />
some cases <strong>the</strong><br />
gift of sorrow,<br />
because it’s in<br />
<strong>the</strong> sorrow that<br />
you learn so<br />
much.”<br />
—Luke<br />
Smallb<strong>on</strong>e<br />
28<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
TRUSTING GOD / FAITH & INSPIRATION<br />
Luke and his family (l to r):<br />
Fr<strong>on</strong>t row: Phoenix, Leo, Jude<br />
Back row: Luke, Courtney, Evie<br />
PHOTOS COURTESY OF LUKE SMALLBONE<br />
professi<strong>on</strong>ally as Rebecca St. James, released<br />
her first major Christian music album with<br />
ForeFr<strong>on</strong>t Records. Rebecca’s musical success<br />
paved <strong>the</strong> way for her younger bro<strong>the</strong>rs, Luke<br />
and Joel. The bro<strong>the</strong>rs sang background vocals<br />
and ran <strong>the</strong> lights for <strong>the</strong>ir sister’s c<strong>on</strong>certs until<br />
<strong>the</strong>y decided, in 2007, to begin <strong>the</strong>ir own musical<br />
duo, eventually named For King & Country.<br />
By 2013, For King & Country had earned<br />
several Dove Award nominati<strong>on</strong>s and even<br />
appeared <strong>on</strong> “The T<strong>on</strong>ight Show With Jay Leno.”<br />
But later that year, Luke became seriously ill,<br />
and <strong>the</strong> bro<strong>the</strong>rs w<strong>on</strong>dered if <strong>the</strong>ir dreams<br />
would survive his illness—or if Luke himself<br />
would survive.<br />
Accepting grace<br />
Joel Smallb<strong>on</strong>e was <strong>on</strong> his h<strong>on</strong>eymo<strong>on</strong> with<br />
his wife, Moriah, that July when his ph<strong>on</strong>e lit<br />
up with a text message—news that Luke had to<br />
stop touring.<br />
Luke had struggled for some time with ulcerative<br />
colitis, a digestive disorder that eventually<br />
wi<strong>the</strong>red his 6-foot-4-inch-tall body from 185<br />
pounds to 125 pounds.<br />
“I looked like a c<strong>on</strong>centrati<strong>on</strong> camp survivor,”<br />
Luke says. He was extremely weak—too weak to<br />
even hold his 6-m<strong>on</strong>th-old s<strong>on</strong>, Jude.<br />
As Luke fought for his life, Courtney—whom<br />
Luke had married in 2010—struggled to nurse<br />
her 26-year-old husband back to health. She<br />
kept a journal of everything he ate and held his<br />
arm whenever he attempted to get some exercise.<br />
For Luke, <strong>on</strong>e lap around <strong>the</strong>ir cul-de-sac<br />
each day was all he could handle.<br />
Meanwhile, as he lay in bed exhausted, Luke<br />
struggled with God.<br />
“I made a decisi<strong>on</strong> to follow Jesus when I was<br />
8, and man, has that held me in good stead for<br />
life,” he says. “But <strong>the</strong>re are moments in life<br />
that it becomes more real than at o<strong>the</strong>r times.”<br />
One night in particular, he remembers crying<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 29
FAITH & INSPIRATION / TRUSTING GOD<br />
out to God: “Why am I so sick? I’m<br />
doing all <strong>the</strong> things that You’ve asked<br />
me to do.”<br />
As he prayed in desperati<strong>on</strong>, Luke<br />
began to realize how God was trying<br />
to get his attenti<strong>on</strong>. “That struggle<br />
allowed me to accept grace, truly, for<br />
<strong>on</strong>e of <strong>the</strong> first times in my life. And<br />
I’m not sure that is a less<strong>on</strong> that we<br />
can ever get tired of learning.”<br />
Luke struggled with <strong>the</strong> disease for<br />
<strong>the</strong> remainder of 2013 before he was<br />
healthy enough to tour with Joel <strong>on</strong>ce<br />
again <strong>the</strong> next year. But God wasn’t<br />
d<strong>on</strong>e teaching Luke amid <strong>the</strong> struggles<br />
of life—and not just his own<br />
struggles.<br />
God showed up<br />
In 2014, for example, Courtney was<br />
pregnant with <strong>the</strong>ir sec<strong>on</strong>d s<strong>on</strong>,<br />
Phoenix. Her doctor prescribed<br />
anti-nausea medicine to help her<br />
with severe morning sickness, but<br />
she became addicted to <strong>the</strong> pills.<br />
Courtney’s struggle to overcome <strong>the</strong><br />
addicti<strong>on</strong> and let go of her feelings<br />
of guilt inspired <strong>the</strong> title track of For<br />
King & Country’s third album, Burn<br />
<strong>the</strong> Ships.<br />
“Sometimes our past haunts our<br />
futures,” Luke says, and Burn <strong>the</strong> Ships<br />
calls listeners to leave <strong>the</strong> shame and<br />
pain of <strong>the</strong> past “to plunge into a<br />
future of hope.”<br />
When <strong>the</strong> COVID-19 pandemic<br />
hit in 2020, Luke and Joel spent <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
time in lockdown writing some of<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir latest hits—including “Toge<strong>the</strong>r”<br />
and “Relate”—encouraging <strong>the</strong>ir listeners<br />
to show compassi<strong>on</strong> for <strong>on</strong>e<br />
ano<strong>the</strong>r and pull toge<strong>the</strong>r amid <strong>the</strong><br />
struggles of life. Both s<strong>on</strong>gs appeared<br />
<strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> group’s <strong>2022</strong> album, What Are<br />
We Waiting For?<br />
Then, amid <strong>the</strong> pandemic, Luke faced<br />
yet ano<strong>the</strong>r struggle. His voice began<br />
to bo<strong>the</strong>r him, forcing him to undergo<br />
vocal cord surgery in May of 2021.<br />
Luke knew <strong>the</strong> risks that accompanied<br />
<strong>the</strong> surgery. But as he lay in a<br />
hospital bed, unable to speak during<br />
<strong>the</strong> week after surgery, troubling<br />
thoughts plagued him. What if I can’t<br />
talk anymore? What if I can’t sing?<br />
What if I can’t write s<strong>on</strong>gs? What if<br />
my vocal cords are damaged bey<strong>on</strong>d<br />
repair?<br />
Once again, God showed up to ease<br />
Luke’s fears: “I felt God really clearly<br />
say to me, ‘Look, it’s never been about<br />
a voice. It’s never been about a s<strong>on</strong>g.<br />
It’s never been about what you could<br />
do or what you could accomplish. It’s<br />
about <strong>the</strong> very fact that I love you, that<br />
I cherish you despite those things. So,<br />
if your voice never comes back, I’m<br />
still God. I still love you.’<br />
“Maybe,” Luke says, “I’m just <strong>on</strong>e<br />
of those silly people who has to have<br />
things happen time and time again . . .<br />
but that less<strong>on</strong> never gets old.”<br />
Sure enough, Luke’s vocal cords<br />
began to mend, and he’s returned<br />
<strong>on</strong>ce again to his music. But now he<br />
knows, without a doubt, that he needs<br />
God more.<br />
More than ever before. •<br />
Benjamin Hawkins is a freelance writer and<br />
associate editor of The Pathway, <strong>the</strong> news<br />
journal of <strong>the</strong> Missouri Baptist C<strong>on</strong>venti<strong>on</strong>.<br />
INSPIRED MUSIC<br />
Get For King & Country’s latest album,<br />
What Are We Waiting For?<br />
Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca<br />
30<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
FOSTER CARE / FAITH & INSPIRATION<br />
too old to foster?<br />
How <strong>on</strong>e couple helped a sibling group<br />
caught in <strong>the</strong> foster care system<br />
BY JOHNSTON MOORE | PHOTOS BY MATT RENAUD<br />
GINNY AND TED WEREN’T TYPICAL FOSTER PARENTS.<br />
Finding each o<strong>the</strong>r later in life, <strong>the</strong>y both had adult children and were in <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
60s. “We were in good health,” Ginny says, “and I, particularly, wanted to give to<br />
children what my own foster family gave me.”<br />
When a group of siblings—two boys, ages 8 and 3, and a 4-year-old girl—<br />
needed a place to stay, this couple took <strong>the</strong>m in. The kids had been in six<br />
different homes in <strong>the</strong> previous two years. “The children wouldn’t even<br />
acknowledge us at first,” Ginny says.<br />
God showed Ginny that a word like love might not have <strong>the</strong> same meaning<br />
to children who had experienced such pain. It had become an empty word. >>><br />
Ted and Ginny<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 31
FAITH & INSPIRATION / FOSTER CARE<br />
Sitting with him<br />
Ginny and Ted’s first priority was to<br />
address <strong>the</strong> violence between <strong>the</strong> children.<br />
Every day <strong>the</strong>y prayed for God’s<br />
help and guidance, and <strong>the</strong>y also<br />
tapped into <strong>the</strong> resources available<br />
to <strong>the</strong>m. “It was serious,” Ginny says,<br />
“not just bickering. We would separate<br />
[<strong>the</strong>m] and talk to <strong>the</strong>m about treating<br />
o<strong>the</strong>rs as <strong>the</strong>y would like to be treated.”<br />
The oldest bro<strong>the</strong>r’s violence was<br />
most c<strong>on</strong>cerning. Ginny says, “The psychologist<br />
suggested that I have [him]<br />
sit awhile to learn to calm himself.”<br />
Ginny decided to sit with him and<br />
hold his hand for short periods of time,<br />
with no interference from his siblings.<br />
Eventually, <strong>the</strong> time increased to 20<br />
minutes. The <strong>on</strong>e-<strong>on</strong>-<strong>on</strong>e time became<br />
important to him, and he even began<br />
reminding Ginny that he needed it.<br />
“That was a great moment!” she says.<br />
“He was actually asking for our time<br />
toge<strong>the</strong>r.”<br />
On to adopti<strong>on</strong><br />
Ginny and Ted faced o<strong>the</strong>r challenges<br />
with <strong>the</strong> children, but God provided<br />
<strong>the</strong> wisdom <strong>the</strong>y needed to help <strong>the</strong><br />
siblings heal. Eventually, all three were<br />
adopted into permanent homes—<strong>the</strong><br />
younger two in <strong>on</strong>e and <strong>the</strong> oldest<br />
in ano<strong>the</strong>r. Though giving <strong>the</strong>m up<br />
after being with <strong>the</strong>m over a year was<br />
painful, Ginny knew <strong>the</strong>y needed permanent<br />
families.<br />
“Ted and I were too old to raise <strong>the</strong>se<br />
little <strong>on</strong>es to adulthood,” she says.<br />
Now, more than a decade later,<br />
Ginny and Ted have remained in <strong>the</strong><br />
children’s lives. Because of serious<br />
health problems, <strong>the</strong>y have been<br />
unable to foster additi<strong>on</strong>al children.<br />
Still, <strong>the</strong>y are grateful that God blessed<br />
<strong>the</strong>m with <strong>the</strong>se w<strong>on</strong>derful kids. •<br />
Johnst<strong>on</strong> Moore, al<strong>on</strong>g with his wife, Terri, are<br />
parents to seven children who came to <strong>the</strong>m<br />
through <strong>the</strong> foster care system. Johnst<strong>on</strong> is an<br />
author and speaker, and is actively involved in<br />
<strong>the</strong> foster care and adopti<strong>on</strong> communities.<br />
WAITING TO BELONG<br />
<strong>November</strong> is Nati<strong>on</strong>al Adopti<strong>on</strong> M<strong>on</strong>th, a time to celebrate children<br />
being given a forever family. You can be a part of this life-changing step<br />
for adoptive families around you. Adoptive families benefit from <strong>the</strong><br />
support of <strong>the</strong>ir church, family and community. While not every<strong>on</strong>e<br />
is called to adopt, we can all bring joy to those families that follow <strong>the</strong><br />
Lord’s lead to open <strong>the</strong>ir homes and hearts to waiting kids. You can learn<br />
more about <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> Canada’s ministry for adoptive and<br />
foster families by visiting WaitingToBel<strong>on</strong>g.ca.<br />
32<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
Dr. Karl Benzio<br />
Natasha Crain<br />
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Ray Vander Laan<br />
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In <strong>the</strong>se free four- to eight-part video series, you will learn from expert guests <strong>on</strong> a variety<br />
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FAITH & INSPIRATION / PURPOSEFUL PARENTING<br />
doing my<br />
best to spoil<br />
my kids<br />
How I help my<br />
children overindulge<br />
in God’s goodness<br />
BY SANDY MAYLE<br />
I WANT TO SPOIL MY KIDS.<br />
Deliberately, and without remorse.<br />
I want to take <strong>the</strong>m to church week<br />
after week and let <strong>the</strong>m set out too l<strong>on</strong>g<br />
in <strong>the</strong> warmth of God’s love expressed<br />
by <strong>the</strong> fellowship of believers.<br />
I want to throw <strong>the</strong>m into a bushel of<br />
saints—young <strong>on</strong>es and old <strong>on</strong>es and<br />
in-betweens—so that <strong>the</strong>y’ll come into<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tagiously close c<strong>on</strong>tact.<br />
I want to overexpose <strong>the</strong>m to God’s<br />
glory shining through <strong>the</strong> Word of God,<br />
glowing <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> faces of His people,<br />
radiating from <strong>the</strong> presence of <strong>the</strong> Holy<br />
Spirit, reflecting through earnest and<br />
powerful prayer.<br />
I want to overindulge <strong>the</strong>ir quest for<br />
freedom and wholeness and fulfillment<br />
by bringing <strong>the</strong>m to <strong>the</strong> foot of a l<strong>on</strong>ely<br />
cross. There, sin is obliterated by <strong>the</strong><br />
blood of Jesus and both self-worship<br />
and self-destructi<strong>on</strong> are crucified with<br />
Christ “so that <strong>the</strong>y may take hold of<br />
that which is truly life” (1 Timothy 6:19).<br />
I want to cater to <strong>the</strong>ir desire to “see it<br />
all” and “have it all.” I will help remove<br />
<strong>the</strong> shortsightedness of <strong>on</strong>ly earthly<br />
living and surrealism of culture that<br />
envelops <strong>the</strong>m, so that <strong>the</strong>y may glimpse<br />
<strong>the</strong> hope to which <strong>the</strong>y are called and<br />
grasp <strong>the</strong> reality of immortality.<br />
The Lord leading me, I want to do<br />
my best to spoil <strong>the</strong>m for this world, so<br />
that it never really satisfies. So that <strong>the</strong>y<br />
have seen too much and understood<br />
too deeply to buy into its message. So<br />
<strong>the</strong>y demand far more than <strong>the</strong> world<br />
can supply and expect far too much for<br />
it to satisfy, and so that <strong>the</strong>y know Who<br />
can fulfill <strong>the</strong>ir l<strong>on</strong>ging.<br />
I know that all my spoiling can’t<br />
preserve <strong>the</strong>m. They have a choice. I<br />
just want to do all I can to spoil <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
likelihood of choosing wr<strong>on</strong>g.<br />
I want to spoil my kids.<br />
On purpose and bey<strong>on</strong>d salvaging.<br />
It’s <strong>the</strong> best method of preservati<strong>on</strong><br />
I know. •<br />
Sandy Mayle is a freelance writer, wife and<br />
mo<strong>the</strong>r of three s<strong>on</strong>s. She has been active in <strong>the</strong><br />
music and prayer ministries at her local church.<br />
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA<br />
34<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
Kids & Teens<br />
DOWNLOAD<br />
our free coloring sheet.<br />
“Enter his gates with thanksgiving,<br />
and his courts with praise!<br />
Give thanks to him; bless his name!”<br />
PSALM 100:4<br />
The children at your Thanksgiving<br />
ga<strong>the</strong>ring can color this festive coloring<br />
sheet this year.<br />
Download <strong>the</strong> free coloring sheet here.<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca/Thanksgiving<br />
CREDIT TK<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 35
<strong>the</strong> biggest reward<br />
Our family found a soluti<strong>on</strong><br />
to morning chaos<br />
BY ELSA KOK COLOPY<br />
©STUDIO FIRMA / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
36<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
TEACHING RESPONSIBILITY / KIDS & TEENS<br />
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? We<br />
were <strong>on</strong> our way to school, and two of<br />
my four kids had forgotten something.<br />
Again.<br />
“Mom, I forgot my water bottle!”<br />
“I’m sorry, but we d<strong>on</strong>’t have time to<br />
go back for it now.”<br />
“Mom, I left my homework in <strong>the</strong><br />
bathroom!”<br />
“What was it doing in <strong>the</strong> bathroom?<br />
Never mind. I’d ra<strong>the</strong>r not know.”<br />
At <strong>the</strong> start of <strong>the</strong> school year, my kids<br />
seemed <strong>on</strong> top of everything and were<br />
prepared when we walked out <strong>the</strong> fr<strong>on</strong>t<br />
door in <strong>the</strong> morning. But <strong>on</strong>ly three<br />
weeks later, <strong>the</strong>ir schoolwork was getting<br />
sloppy, and <strong>the</strong>re always seemed<br />
to be a crisis <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> way to school.<br />
Mornings would start off peacefully<br />
but would inevitably turn chaotic as I<br />
herded <strong>the</strong>m out <strong>the</strong> door.<br />
“D<strong>on</strong>’t forget your math book!”<br />
“Please grab your lunch box!”<br />
“Why are you wearing sandals when<br />
it’s cold out? Run back inside and<br />
change your shoes!”<br />
For <strong>the</strong> sake of my sanity as a mo<strong>the</strong>r<br />
of four little <strong>on</strong>es, I had to teach <strong>the</strong>m<br />
not <strong>on</strong>ly to manage <strong>the</strong>ir own daily<br />
resp<strong>on</strong>sibilities but also to value a job<br />
well d<strong>on</strong>e.<br />
Getting organized<br />
I recalled that my sister-in-law had<br />
used a whiteboard in <strong>the</strong> kitchen to<br />
communicate with her older kids, so<br />
I decided to purchase <strong>on</strong>e and place<br />
it in a high-traffic area where my children<br />
would be sure to see it. At <strong>the</strong> end<br />
of each day, I’d write <strong>the</strong> schedule for<br />
<strong>the</strong> next day’s activities <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> board. In<br />
<strong>the</strong> bottom corner, I included a chart of<br />
tasks my children needed to complete<br />
before school each morning.<br />
I put everything <strong>on</strong> that little chart:<br />
potty, teeth, hair, school clo<strong>the</strong>s (I put<br />
that <strong>on</strong>e <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> list after a mortifying<br />
pajama incident), prayer, homework<br />
in backpack, breakfast, packed lunch,<br />
snack, water bottle.<br />
Using a reward system to gain <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
interest, I gave each of <strong>the</strong>m a marble<br />
for completing <strong>the</strong>ir tasks every day. At<br />
<strong>the</strong> end of <strong>the</strong> week, <strong>the</strong>y could use <strong>the</strong><br />
marbles to “buy” something at my shop,<br />
which included items from <strong>the</strong> dollar<br />
store.<br />
There were c<strong>on</strong>sequences as well. If<br />
<strong>the</strong>y checked off tasks <strong>the</strong>y hadn’t completed<br />
or failed to check off any <strong>the</strong>y<br />
had finished, <strong>the</strong>y had to forfeit watching<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir favorite carto<strong>on</strong> that day.<br />
Rewarding hard work<br />
It took time for my kids to get used to<br />
<strong>the</strong> new system, but <strong>on</strong>ce <strong>the</strong>y established<br />
a rhythm, we sailed through our<br />
morning routine. Still, ano<strong>the</strong>r problem<br />
remained: <strong>the</strong>ir bare-minimum<br />
mentality about schoolwork. I wanted<br />
my kids to learn <strong>the</strong> value of hard work<br />
and do <strong>the</strong>ir best in school.<br />
The reward system had helped <strong>the</strong>m<br />
take charge of daily tasks, but I wasn’t<br />
sure it would be successful for <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
homework. I decided it was worth a<br />
try, so I developed a reward system for<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir Accelerated Reader (AR) program<br />
at school. In <strong>the</strong> AR program, children<br />
select books to read from an approved<br />
list and <strong>the</strong>n answer test questi<strong>on</strong>s<br />
about <strong>the</strong> c<strong>on</strong>tent to gain points. Each<br />
child must earn a required number of<br />
points by <strong>the</strong> end of <strong>the</strong> quarter.<br />
I told my kids <strong>the</strong>y would receive a<br />
financial reward if <strong>the</strong>y earned extra<br />
points by reading more books. The<br />
b<strong>on</strong>us wasn’t much, but <strong>the</strong>y were so<br />
excited about it that <strong>the</strong>y broke through<br />
<strong>the</strong> point barrier to earn <strong>the</strong> cash. I<br />
offered <strong>the</strong> same reward for <strong>the</strong> <strong>on</strong>line<br />
math games <strong>the</strong>y were required to play<br />
at least three times a week. Taking full<br />
advantage of <strong>the</strong> incentive, my youngest<br />
entrepreneur bumped up her math<br />
games to seven times a week.<br />
Reaping our rewards<br />
To my surprise, my reward system<br />
turned out to be wildly successful. My<br />
children loved <strong>the</strong> financial incentives,<br />
of course, but most important, <strong>the</strong><br />
rewards helped <strong>the</strong>m learn resp<strong>on</strong>sibility<br />
and <strong>the</strong> value of hard work. As <strong>the</strong>y<br />
grew in reading and math skills, <strong>the</strong>y<br />
also gained c<strong>on</strong>fidence and experienced<br />
<strong>the</strong> joy of doing well in school.<br />
Tangible rewards gave <strong>the</strong> steppingst<strong>on</strong>es<br />
<strong>the</strong>y needed to develop natural<br />
incentives to do <strong>the</strong>ir best, and in time,<br />
reap <strong>the</strong> l<strong>on</strong>g-lasting rewards.<br />
As <strong>the</strong> first half of <strong>the</strong> year came to<br />
a close, my children still needed occasi<strong>on</strong>al<br />
reminders, but <strong>the</strong>y were pulling<br />
<strong>the</strong>ir own weight and taking care of <strong>the</strong><br />
things that matter most. That was my<br />
biggest reward as a mom. •<br />
Elsa Kok Colopy is an author and speaker. She<br />
and her husband, Brian, are now parents to<br />
eight children.<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 37
KIDS & TEENS / RESILIENCE<br />
THE SPACE<br />
TO CREATE<br />
Encourage your kids to explore,<br />
innovate and use <strong>the</strong>ir imaginati<strong>on</strong><br />
BY LORI Z. SCOTT<br />
ILLUSTRATIONS BY INNA GUNTER<br />
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A<br />
ONE-LEGGED, THREE-<br />
EYED PIRATE? Me nei<strong>the</strong>r, until<br />
I stopped outside my s<strong>on</strong> Michael’s<br />
pre-K room to survey student artwork.<br />
The bulletin board showcased<br />
15 identically cut buccaneers and<br />
<strong>on</strong>e quirky m<strong>on</strong>strosity—with my<br />
s<strong>on</strong>’s name cray<strong>on</strong>ed in <strong>the</strong> corner.<br />
Hoping Michael was just too lazy<br />
to glue <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> extra leg, I asked him<br />
to tell me about his craft.<br />
He cocked his head as if <strong>the</strong><br />
answer was obvious. “That’s Pete <strong>the</strong><br />
Pirate.”<br />
I pointed to <strong>the</strong> head. “Why does<br />
he have three eyes?”<br />
“Two ‘eye, eye, Captain!’ regular<br />
<strong>on</strong>es.” He counted his fingers. “And<br />
<strong>on</strong>e eye that’s out to see.”<br />
I couldn’t argue with that logic.<br />
“And <strong>the</strong> leg?”<br />
“He likes to jump,” Michael<br />
declared. “Who’s g<strong>on</strong>na stop him?”<br />
Certainly not me. Oh, <strong>the</strong> creativity<br />
of my kid.<br />
Creativity can be fostered in all<br />
people, no matter <strong>the</strong>ir interests,<br />
goals or pers<strong>on</strong>ality. This is good<br />
news for parents. We can cultivate<br />
innovative thinking in our children.<br />
The source of creativity<br />
Developing creativity starts by tapping<br />
into <strong>the</strong> source—God. The Bible<br />
describes how our creator perfected<br />
every plant and creature, painted every<br />
sunrise and sunset, and placed every<br />
star and galaxy. Even microorganisms,<br />
fingerprints and snowflakes are intricately<br />
designed—<strong>the</strong> smallest details<br />
of <strong>the</strong> universe show off God’s artistic<br />
flair (Genesis 1:1-27; Psalm 104:24;<br />
Romans 1:20).<br />
The Bible also tells us that we are<br />
made in <strong>the</strong> image of God, which I<br />
take to mean that we have a capacity<br />
for innovative thinking. “From an<br />
early age, children scribble, build,<br />
plunk <strong>on</strong> a piano and experiment<br />
with <strong>the</strong>ir envir<strong>on</strong>ment,” says Rachel<br />
Savell, an elementary school counselor.<br />
“They d<strong>on</strong>’t worry if <strong>the</strong>y d<strong>on</strong>’t<br />
draw a perfect circle or play <strong>the</strong> right<br />
notes. They simply dive in.”<br />
So, how do we encourage <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
creativity?<br />
38<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
RESILIENCE / KIDS & TEENS<br />
A thousand steps<br />
As children grow, <strong>the</strong>ir creativity may<br />
be stifled by negative talk. Some start<br />
believing <strong>the</strong>y must succeed <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong><br />
first try. So fear keeps <strong>the</strong>m from<br />
exploring <strong>the</strong> abilities God gave <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
No <strong>on</strong>e will like this idea. What if I<br />
make a mistake? People will make fun<br />
of me.<br />
Creativity isn’t about perfecti<strong>on</strong>.<br />
It’s about embracing risks and questi<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
Creative people try and fail and<br />
try again.<br />
“Let your kids know it’s OK to make<br />
mistakes,” Linda Kussman, mo<strong>the</strong>r of<br />
three, says. “And be OK with letting<br />
<strong>the</strong>m make a mess. If you want creative<br />
kids, you’ve got to live with a mess.<br />
“And you’ve got to be creative yourself.<br />
I see my kids following my<br />
example,” she says. “I didn’t use a<br />
bunch of special tools. I often just took<br />
ordinary objects, like a shoe, and asked,<br />
‘What is a different way we could use<br />
this?’ The kids would let <strong>the</strong>ir imaginati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
run wild—inventing games,<br />
putting <strong>on</strong> shows, and doing all sorts of<br />
silly things with that shoe.”<br />
Whe<strong>the</strong>r you’re cooking, sewing,<br />
acting, dancing, solving a math problem<br />
or mapping out a new routine for<br />
your family, every attempt at doing<br />
something new is a step forward in <strong>the</strong><br />
creative process. As Thomas Edis<strong>on</strong><br />
<strong>on</strong>ce said, “I didn’t fail a thousand<br />
times. The light bulb was an inventi<strong>on</strong><br />
with a thousand steps.”<br />
Embrace <strong>the</strong> truth<br />
Help your child replace a negative<br />
mindset with God’s point of view: I’m<br />
fashi<strong>on</strong>ed in God’s image. Satisfacti<strong>on</strong><br />
stems from working to <strong>the</strong> best of my<br />
ability. God uses me when I surrender<br />
my heart to Him.<br />
“We do a Bible devoti<strong>on</strong>al as a family,”<br />
Rachel says. “We pick out a reaffirming<br />
verse and make it visible. I’ve written<br />
verses <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> bathroom mirror or<br />
tables with a dry-erase marker. That’s<br />
always fun. Sometimes we invent hand<br />
signs to learn <strong>the</strong> verse.”<br />
Scriptures <strong>on</strong> sticky notes posted<br />
around <strong>the</strong> house also work well.<br />
Your child can even help select <strong>the</strong><br />
Scriptures and decide where <strong>the</strong>y<br />
should be displayed.<br />
When my daughter felt discouraged,<br />
I wrote a dozen truths <strong>on</strong> sticky notes<br />
and placed <strong>the</strong>m in a circle around <strong>the</strong><br />
mirror. When she looked at <strong>the</strong> mirror<br />
in <strong>the</strong> morning, her face was framed by<br />
<strong>the</strong>se affirmati<strong>on</strong>s:<br />
God is c<strong>on</strong>tinually at work within me.<br />
“Now to him who is able to do far<br />
more abundantly than all that we<br />
ask or think, according to <strong>the</strong> power<br />
at work within us, to him be glory.”<br />
(Ephesians 3:20-21)<br />
God will guide me just as He<br />
guided His people.<br />
“And <strong>the</strong> LORD will guide you<br />
c<strong>on</strong>tinually.”<br />
(Isaiah 58:11)<br />
What I create is for God.<br />
“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for<br />
<strong>the</strong> Lord and not for men.”<br />
(Colossians 3:23) >>><br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 39
KIDS & TEENS / RESILIENCE<br />
Exhausti<strong>on</strong> vs. boredom<br />
One of my sec<strong>on</strong>d grade students is simultaneously involved<br />
in basketball and baseball, and he often goes from <strong>on</strong>e practice<br />
to ano<strong>the</strong>r. Most of his spare time is spent playing video<br />
games. When faced with unstructured free time, he often complains<br />
that he’s bored.<br />
But he’s not bored. He’s exhausted. With exhausti<strong>on</strong>, <strong>the</strong><br />
brain is drowsy, has trouble c<strong>on</strong>centrating and wants to shut<br />
down. With boredom, <strong>the</strong> brain has energy and is searching<br />
for an outlet.<br />
When children are bored, <strong>the</strong>ir thoughts turn inward. A<br />
mind free from stress and free to wander will seek stimulati<strong>on</strong>.<br />
Kids daydream, build c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong>s, problem-solve and formulate<br />
new ideas that hold increasing complexity.<br />
I gave a different antsy sec<strong>on</strong>d grade boy a tub of tiles and<br />
free rein to explore, and he started building patterned designs<br />
and three-dimensi<strong>on</strong>al shapes. He even modeled a strand of<br />
DNA. So d<strong>on</strong>’t be too quick to rescue your children when <strong>the</strong>y<br />
complain about being bored. Give <strong>the</strong>m time and perhaps a<br />
few props and see what <strong>the</strong>y cook up.<br />
Play<br />
Unstructured play is essential for cognitive development. My<br />
students use recess not <strong>on</strong>ly to learn important social skills<br />
but also to find new avenues for adventure. They invent new<br />
rules to standard games, such as tag or four square. They dig<br />
in <strong>the</strong> dirt and pretend <strong>the</strong> rocks <strong>the</strong>y find are buried treasure,<br />
figure out how to trap a grasshopper, build fairy houses out<br />
of woodchips and problem-solve about how to retrieve a ball<br />
from a puddle. Each acti<strong>on</strong> forms c<strong>on</strong>necti<strong>on</strong>s in <strong>the</strong>ir brains<br />
that lead to deeper thinking and “aha!” moments.<br />
If your children have demanding schedules, carve out time<br />
for <strong>the</strong>m to play. Shut off electr<strong>on</strong>ics at least 30 minutes before<br />
bedtime, and read books toge<strong>the</strong>r, imagining a new ending to<br />
<strong>the</strong> story. Or invent a new recipe. Do a puzzle. Take silly pictures.<br />
Build a blanket fort.<br />
My s<strong>on</strong> used to enjoy playing classical music, dressing in a<br />
cape and putting <strong>on</strong> a show. His dramatics later led to roles in<br />
local <strong>the</strong>ater producti<strong>on</strong>s. My daughter spent hours fiddling<br />
with rhythmic sounds and instruments. Now she composes<br />
music for films. If <strong>the</strong>y never had time for unstructured play,<br />
<strong>the</strong>y never would have fostered <strong>the</strong>ir creative abilities.<br />
It takes discipline<br />
Nurture your child’s creativity, but d<strong>on</strong>’t<br />
expect immediate results. Take <strong>on</strong>e step<br />
today and ano<strong>the</strong>r tomorrow. Athletes<br />
discipline <strong>the</strong>mselves to learn a particular<br />
skill, and we also must be deliberate<br />
in our methods. Here are a few fun<br />
activities that might just do <strong>the</strong> trick:<br />
• Set a timer for three minutes. Ask<br />
your family to write or draw whatever<br />
comes to mind. Share your creati<strong>on</strong>s<br />
and ask what if questi<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
• Create an art cart. Stock it with a variety<br />
of materials—cray<strong>on</strong>s, paper,<br />
markers, glue, stickers, play dough,<br />
paint, glitter, craft sticks, yarn. Pull it<br />
out at least <strong>on</strong>ce a week.<br />
• Make up new verses to a familiar<br />
s<strong>on</strong>g, like “The Itsy-bitsy Spider.” How<br />
about “The chunky-chubby spider<br />
squished <strong>the</strong> waterspout”? The goofier,<br />
<strong>the</strong> better.<br />
• Raid your recycling bin and use <strong>the</strong><br />
materials to create a playground for a<br />
stuffed animal. Or use <strong>the</strong> materials<br />
to build a roller coaster or maze.<br />
• Set a random rule—You can’t speak<br />
a word with <strong>the</strong> letter B in it or<br />
Every sentence must be a questi<strong>on</strong>.<br />
C<strong>on</strong>straints help stimulate creative<br />
thinking, and <strong>the</strong> results are hilarious.<br />
• Look at regular items in different<br />
ways. A Frisbee might be a hat or a<br />
dinner plate or a tennis racket. Use<br />
<strong>the</strong> Frisbee to act out a scene from<br />
your favorite movie or Bible story.<br />
40<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
RESILIENCE / KIDS & TEENS<br />
Keep <strong>on</strong><br />
Find ways to do things differently in<br />
everyday life. Creativity trains kids to<br />
be resilient by identifying a problem<br />
and coming up with multiple soluti<strong>on</strong>s.<br />
Push past <strong>the</strong> possible to explore<br />
<strong>the</strong> impossible. And embrace <strong>the</strong> mess.<br />
Remember, mistakes allow your kids to<br />
move bey<strong>on</strong>d boredom and celebrate<br />
<strong>the</strong> masterpieces <strong>the</strong>y discover <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
journey. •<br />
Lori Z. Scott is a bestselling author of<br />
children’s books and a freelance writer.<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong> FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 41
KIDS & TEENS / ROLES & RELATIONSHIPS<br />
<strong>the</strong> grand<br />
caregiving<br />
compromise<br />
Should your parents<br />
be your children’s<br />
caregivers?<br />
BY SUSAN LAYLAND<br />
WHEN MARISA AND HER HUSBAND,<br />
JUSTIN, asked her mo<strong>the</strong>r to care for <strong>the</strong>ir s<strong>on</strong>, Hayden,<br />
while <strong>the</strong>y were at work, Brenda was happy to do it. Brenda<br />
and her husband were retired, and she had more free time.<br />
Mo<strong>the</strong>r and daughter agreed <strong>on</strong> a schedule, and everything<br />
seemed like it was working . . . until Marisa requested that<br />
Brenda adhere to Hayden’s strict routine.<br />
Brenda was startled. She had raised her own children, and<br />
now she just wanted to enjoy time with her grands<strong>on</strong>. Marisa<br />
and Justin realized <strong>the</strong>y should have discussed <strong>the</strong> arrangement<br />
with Brenda beforehand.<br />
Grandparents can be an amazing resource for families. But<br />
before you ask your parents to care for your children while<br />
you’re at work, you need to talk about what caregiving success<br />
means to you.<br />
Be willing to compromise<br />
Compromise is important when asking your parents to become<br />
caregivers. Brenda wanted to enjoy unscheduled time with<br />
her grands<strong>on</strong>, Hayden, so Marisa included a few free hours of<br />
Grandma time into his routine. This compromise seemed to<br />
work well for every<strong>on</strong>e.<br />
Caring for children can also be physically demanding.<br />
Barbara, ano<strong>the</strong>r caregiving grandma, agreed to a full-time<br />
schedule because she wanted to be with her grandkids ra<strong>the</strong>r<br />
than just see <strong>the</strong>m <strong>on</strong> a video screen. Although she lived almost<br />
two hours away, she decided to drive to her daughter’s house<br />
early <strong>on</strong> M<strong>on</strong>day mornings and return home Friday evenings.<br />
By <strong>the</strong> end of <strong>the</strong> week, Barbara was exhausted. As time<br />
went <strong>on</strong>, she wasn’t sure she had <strong>the</strong> energy to c<strong>on</strong>tinue. She<br />
discussed <strong>the</strong> situati<strong>on</strong> with her daughter, Jill, who agreed to<br />
hire some<strong>on</strong>e to handle <strong>the</strong> more demanding tasks, such as<br />
meal preparati<strong>on</strong>, laundry and driving <strong>the</strong> kids to and from<br />
activities. The compromise worked for <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
Find soluti<strong>on</strong>s toge<strong>the</strong>r<br />
Hannah’s situati<strong>on</strong> was different. Her mo<strong>the</strong>r, Susie, lived<br />
less than a block away and had <strong>the</strong> energy and availability<br />
to care for her granddaughter, Faith. It was an ideal<br />
arrangement, but <strong>the</strong>y still had <strong>on</strong>e detail to work out: Since<br />
Hannah’s husband, Phil, came from a different culture and<br />
grew up with different family customs, <strong>the</strong>y wanted Faith to<br />
feel included in both cultures. So Susie asked her in-laws to<br />
teach Faith about <strong>the</strong>ir unique culture and customs. Then<br />
Susie set aside time to incorporate those traditi<strong>on</strong>s into her<br />
time with Faith.<br />
To find <strong>the</strong> right soluti<strong>on</strong>s, parents and grandparents can<br />
have frank discussi<strong>on</strong>s, ideally before moving into a caregiving<br />
agreement. The more each knows and agrees to<br />
beforehand, <strong>the</strong> easier <strong>the</strong> transiti<strong>on</strong> will be. •<br />
Susan Layland is a freelance writer, grandparent and caregiver<br />
to her w<strong>on</strong>derful grandchildren.<br />
©KELSEY SMITH / STOCKSY UNITED<br />
42<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
A CAREGIVING RELATIONSHIP between your children and <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
grandparents can be a fulfilling and rewarding experience for every<strong>on</strong>e.<br />
It can also enrich family relati<strong>on</strong>ships and deepen b<strong>on</strong>ds that will last a<br />
lifetime. Entering this arrangement with open eyes will help you avoid<br />
tensi<strong>on</strong>s and enjoy <strong>the</strong> experience. So c<strong>on</strong>sider <strong>the</strong> following questi<strong>on</strong>s<br />
to start <strong>the</strong> discussi<strong>on</strong>:<br />
QUESTIONS TO<br />
ASK PARENTS<br />
Grandparents shouldn’t be<br />
afraid to discuss <strong>the</strong> need for<br />
parents to be flexible. Here are<br />
some questi<strong>on</strong>s grandparents<br />
might ask:<br />
• What makes this arrangement a<br />
priority for you?<br />
• What are your expectati<strong>on</strong>s for<br />
this arrangement?<br />
• How l<strong>on</strong>g do you expect me to<br />
be a caregiver?<br />
• What are your children’s<br />
schedules?<br />
• What are <strong>the</strong> house rules, and<br />
which <strong>on</strong>es are n<strong>on</strong>negotiable?<br />
• What are <strong>the</strong> rules for meals<br />
and food?<br />
• Which rules can be relaxed so I<br />
can be a grandparent and not<br />
just a caregiver?<br />
• How do you reward good<br />
behavior and discipline bad<br />
choices?<br />
• What toys or games are <strong>on</strong>ly<br />
allowed with strict limits or<br />
require watchful supervisi<strong>on</strong>?<br />
• What safety measures will you<br />
require of me <strong>on</strong> outings?<br />
• Where do you keep your<br />
emergency c<strong>on</strong>tact numbers?<br />
QUESTIONS TO ASK<br />
GRANDPARENTS<br />
Before you arrange for your<br />
parents to become your<br />
children’s caregivers, here are<br />
some questi<strong>on</strong>s to ask:<br />
• What makes this arrangement a<br />
priority for you?<br />
• What are your expectati<strong>on</strong>s for<br />
this arrangement?<br />
• How l<strong>on</strong>g do you expect to be<br />
our children’s caregiver?<br />
• What are your physical<br />
limitati<strong>on</strong>s? What o<strong>the</strong>r<br />
challenges or limitati<strong>on</strong>s do you<br />
foresee?<br />
• What is your most immediate<br />
c<strong>on</strong>cern about caregiving?<br />
• What is your go-to approach<br />
for discipline and behavior<br />
reinforcement?<br />
• Are you prepared to h<strong>on</strong>or<br />
our children’s boundaries and<br />
dietary restricti<strong>on</strong>s? What are<br />
your c<strong>on</strong>cerns with <strong>the</strong>m?<br />
• How would you incorporate<br />
car seats and o<strong>the</strong>r safe-driving<br />
practices <strong>on</strong> outings?<br />
• How do you see your caregiving<br />
role in practical terms?<br />
• How will you synchr<strong>on</strong>ize your<br />
way of doing things with our<br />
children’s schedules?<br />
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• What is <strong>the</strong> procedure you<br />
want me to follow in case of an<br />
emergency?<br />
• How will you explain my role<br />
and authority to your children?<br />
• How might you want to<br />
enhance our children’s biblical<br />
worldview?<br />
—SL
KIDS & TEENS / MEDIA<br />
UPCOMING REVIEWS<br />
For reviews of <strong>the</strong>se and o<strong>the</strong>r titles, visit<br />
PluggedIn.com, <str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong>’s media<br />
review and discernment website.<br />
LYLE, LYLE, CROCODILE<br />
This adaptati<strong>on</strong> of a popular children’s book<br />
offers life less<strong>on</strong>s from a reptile that wants to<br />
prove he’s not a bad guy.<br />
Scheduled release: Oct. 7<br />
STRANGE WORLD<br />
Can a family of explorers resolve <strong>the</strong>ir<br />
differences and survive <strong>the</strong>ir latest missi<strong>on</strong>?<br />
Scheduled release: Nov. 23<br />
WHITE BIRD:<br />
A WONDER STORY<br />
Will a grandmo<strong>the</strong>r’s recollecti<strong>on</strong>s of life<br />
in Nazi-occupied France teach today’s<br />
children about <strong>the</strong> power of kindness?<br />
Scheduled release: Oct. 14<br />
SUPERNATURAL<br />
HORROR & YOUR TEEN<br />
BY ADAM HOLZ<br />
EVERY OCTOBER, advertising space is taken over by movie<br />
trailers that delve into <strong>the</strong> dem<strong>on</strong>ic. Back in <strong>the</strong> 1970s, audiences<br />
were terrified by The Exorcist and The Omen. More<br />
recently, The Cursed and The Unholy are scaring a new generati<strong>on</strong><br />
of viewers.<br />
The vast majority of Christian parents have no incentive<br />
to give <strong>the</strong>ir kids permissi<strong>on</strong> to watch people being dragged<br />
off, screaming, into <strong>the</strong> darkness. But think back to your teen<br />
years. Did you ever stay up late with a friend watching a scary<br />
movie, peeking out over a blanket and w<strong>on</strong>dering who’d<br />
cover <strong>the</strong>ir face first?<br />
For teens, especially, supernatural horror packs a “face<br />
your fears” kind of appeal. So how should we think about it<br />
as parents?<br />
These movies get lots wr<strong>on</strong>g, spiritually and <strong>the</strong>ologically.<br />
That said, <strong>the</strong>y also tend to present a world in which good<br />
and evil actually exist, in which dem<strong>on</strong>ic forces can influence<br />
human beings. More so than we might realize at first, that<br />
worldview has a very broad parallel with what Paul says in<br />
Ephesians 6 about <strong>the</strong> reality of <strong>the</strong> spiritual battle around us.<br />
Still, most of us w<strong>on</strong>’t cue up supernatural horror for a<br />
family-movie night—and for good reas<strong>on</strong>. But if we find out<br />
after <strong>the</strong> fact that <strong>on</strong>e of our kids did happen to see <strong>on</strong>e of<br />
<strong>the</strong>se films, d<strong>on</strong>’t panic. Instead, look at it as an opportunity<br />
to talk with your kids about God’s Word and <strong>the</strong> unseen<br />
struggle against evil. •<br />
Adam Holz is <strong>the</strong> director of Plugged In. He and his wife, Jennifer, have<br />
three children.<br />
(CLOCKWISE FROM TOP RIGHT) HUTCH PARKER ENTERTAINMENT;<br />
LIONSGATE; WALT DISNEY ANIMATION STUDIOS<br />
44<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
PRODUCTS & RESOURCES<br />
OUR fall<br />
PICKS<br />
A few products and resources<br />
The<br />
Chosen,<br />
book 1,<br />
by Jerry B.<br />
Jenkins<br />
Unshackled<br />
by Dr. Elizabeth<br />
Stevens<br />
Find <strong>the</strong>se books—and many<br />
o<strong>the</strong>r enriching reads—at<br />
Shop.<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g>OnThe<strong>Family</strong>.ca<br />
AVAILABLE FOR PREORDER<br />
“The Last<br />
Chance<br />
Detectives”<br />
sevenbook<br />
set
KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY<br />
COSTUMES<br />
Emma, 10, Isla, 3, and Lincoln, 8<br />
Superheroes! Our kids love dressing up in matching<br />
costumes.<br />
—Mike and Becky from Saskatchewan<br />
Fielden, 3<br />
Spider-Man loves to decorate sugar cookies!<br />
—Abby from South Carolina<br />
Paul, 6 ½ m<strong>on</strong>ths<br />
Ready to go out in his first costume, our<br />
baby boy is <strong>the</strong> sweetest little shark.<br />
—Gizelle from California<br />
Your kids could be in<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g> <strong>on</strong> <strong>the</strong> <strong>Family</strong> magazine!<br />
Email photos* of your child commemorating<br />
Thanksgiving or having a tea party. (Put<br />
“Thanksgiving” or “Tea Party” in <strong>the</strong> subject line.)<br />
Send to: info@fotf.ca<br />
* Largest photo possible. Professi<strong>on</strong>al photos are not accepted.<br />
46<br />
FOCUS ON THE FAMILY<br />
OCTOBER / NOVEMBER <strong>2022</strong>
Kids’ magazines<br />
a gift that gives all year!<br />
<str<strong>on</strong>g>Focus</str<strong>on</strong>g><br />
From<br />
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AGES<br />
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Clubhouse<br />
An award-winning<br />
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TEEN<br />
GIRLS<br />
Brio<br />
Godly role models,<br />
relati<strong>on</strong>ship advice, Bible<br />
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Subscribe or renew <strong>on</strong>line at<br />
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