Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2022

Helping Families Thrive in Christ 

APRIL / MAY / MAY 2019 2022 

Canada 

Is the Truth 

True for 

Everyone? 

Teach your kids that 

God’s truths are 

uncompromising 

Faces 

of Foster 

Care 

DR. GREG SMALLEY 

Conquering 

the Mountain 

with Jim Daly 

PAGE 29 

Arguments 

don’t have to 

tear you apart

How to Respond 

When Your Kids Ask Tough 

Questions About God 

video series 

—— 

In a world that’s moving away from biblical truth, our children are going to 

face challenging questions from others who doubt the Christian faith. 

And as they grow, our kids will likely have some hard questions of their own. 

It’s more important than ever to show our kids that their faith can withstand 

scrutiny and that there are sound answers to their questions. 

Join in this FREE, six-part video series with 

apologetics author Natasha Crain and learn how 

to draw out your kids’ doubts and questions and 

provide them with satisfying, biblical answers. 

SIGN UP TODAY! 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/ToughQuestions

APRIL / MAY 

Contents 

Couples 

Faith & Inspiration 

Kids & Teens 

© ANDREY / STOCKSY UNITED 

13 SHARED PLAYLISTS AND 

PODCASTS 

A marriage insight from Jenny 

Nanninga 

14 ARGUMENTS DON’T 

HAVE TO TEAR YOU APART 

Conflict can lead you toward a 

deeper marriage connection 

by Nicole Unice 

17 3 PRAYERS TO PRAY 

WITH YOUR SPOUSE 

Enrich your relationship 

by praying as a couple 

by Dean Ridings 

20 FISHING FOR CONNECTION 

Understanding my husband’s 

hobbies brought us closer together 

by Sabrina McDonald 

21 A WAY FORWARD 

A spiritual insight from <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family leadership 

by Dr. Daniel Huerta 

22 SCRAPPY HOSPITALITY 

Show Christ’s love by building 

relationships with neighbors 

who don’t think like you 

by Preston Ulmer 

25 MY FAMILY OF FIGHTERS 

The Stier family’s journey from body 

builders to bold evangelists 

by Benjamin Hawkins 

29 FACES OF FOSTER CARE 

Snapshots of five kids who grew 

up in the foster care system 

compiled by Dr. Sharen Ford 

36 A SHADOW OF FEAR 

Even fearless kids can feel 

anxiety about something 

by Manndi DeBoef 

37 KNEES AND PRAISE 

A parenting insight from 

Quinnise Pettway 

38 ‘IS THE TRUTH 

TRUE FOR EVERYONE?’ 

Teach your kids that God’s 

truths are uncompromising 

by Elizabeth Urbanowicz 

41 CONQUERING THE MOUNTAIN 

My daughter Annie and I faced 

our fears and bonded 

by Dr. Greg Smalley 

45 MY ABCs OF LEARNING 

Laurentz’s mind was flourishing 

even before I recognized it 

by Elsa Kok Colopy 

In Every 

Issue 

4 LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT 

5 HACKS & FACTS 

12 MEDIA 

46 MY THRIVING FAMILY 

APRIL / MAY 2022 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 3

LETTER FROM THE PRESIDENT 

Jean-Paul Beran is 

president of <strong>Focus</strong> on 

the Family Canada. 

IN THIS ISSUE of the magazine, we have 

stories from five people who have gone through 

the foster care system—including our friend 

Jim Daly, president of <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family in 

the U.S. and host of the <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

Broadcast (turn to page 30 to read more). 

In light of these stories, I want to introduce 

you to Aaron and Kveta, a couple in Vancouver, 

BC, who have faithfully followed God’s call on 

their lives to become foster parents. 

Even in the early stages of their relationship, 

they both agreed they wanted to be open to 

what God wanted their family to look like and 

how it would come to be. Even though neither of them were intimately 

familiar with fostering and adoption, they didn’t want to close a door if 

God wanted to open it for them. 

When Aaron went to a conference put on by a social worker who shared 

the need for foster parents, he came home and told Kveta they might need 

to consider this. 

“When someone tells you about how many children are in your city 

that need a home, and here you’ve been kind of waiting and wondering 

what God was doing with that longing,” Kveta explains, “we were just like, 

maybe this is why he had laid this on our heart.” 

When people find out Aaron and Kveta are foster parents, one thing 

they hear often is, “I could never do that because we wouldn’t be able to 

give a child back.” 

As Aaron explains: “We have to remind ourselves over and over again— 

it’s not about us. For us to say we’re not going to enter into this area of 

brokenness because we don’t want to have heartache, well, somebody 

has to take care of this child. Somebody has to be there to do that and so 

I think we know as Christians that life isn’t supposed to be easy in every 

regard. There is a lot of dying to ourselves.” 

They both look forward to the day when providing stability through 

fostering, for as long a time as a child needs, is no longer a rarity, but 

rather normative, especially within the church. You can watch their story 

at <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/AaronAndKveta. 

Fostering and adoption are big decisions that come with a lot of responsibility, 

but we encourage you to pray and ask God for wisdom if this is the 

journey for you. Visit WaitingToBelong.ca to learn about our ministry for 

foster and adoptive families in Canada. 

Jean-Paul Beran 

What is God 

calling you to? 

CLINT BARGEN PHOTOGRAPHY 

president Jim Daly 

chief operating officer Ken Windebank 

publisher Steve Johnson 

focus canada president Jean-Paul Beran 

editorial director Sheila Seifert 

managing editor Andrea Gutierrez 

copy chief Scott DeNicola 

contributing editors Karen Scalf Bouchard, 

Vance Fry, Marianne Hering, Thomas 

Jeffries, Ginger Kolbaba, Jennifer Lonas 

and Jeff Masching 

art director Brian Mellema 

designer Anneka Jack 

cover Katherine Marie Photography 

media publishing director Kevin Shirin 

editorial assistant Kat Bittner 

print production Gail Wise 

circulation Sandy Grivy 

Thank you! 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family provides this magazine and 

other resources through the generosity of friends 

like you. <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Donate 

For a subscription, go to <strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/ 

Magazine. 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine April/May 2022, Vol. 7, 

No. 2 ISSN 2471-5921, © 2022 <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. All 

rights reserved. Published by <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family, a 

nonprofit organization recognized for taxdeductible 

giving by the federal government. <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family is a federally registered trademark of 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

To notify us of an address change or to contact <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family: 800-232-6459; 8605 Explorer Dr., 

Colorado Springs, CO 80920-1051; 

HELP@focusonthefamily.com. 

Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are 

from the Holy Bible, English Standard Version ® (ESV ® ). 

Copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry 

of Good News Publishers. All rights reserved. ESV Text 

Edition: 2016. 

IMPORTANT NOTICE! By submitting letters and other 

materials, you agree 1) they become the property of 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family and will not be returned; 2) <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family, its assigns and licensees, have been 

granted the nonexclusive right to use and/or 

reproduce the materials in any manner for any 

purpose. Our agreement is made in Colorado and 

controlled by Colorado law. 

Send author submissions to 

<strong>Focus</strong>MagSubmissions@family.org. 

REPRINT PERMISSION: 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.com/Permissions 

Website references do not constitute blanket 

endorsement or complete agreement by <strong>Focus</strong> on 

the Family with information or resources offered at 

or through those sites. 

Return undeliverable Canadian addresses to: 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family, 19946 80A Avenue, Langley, BC 

V2Y 0J8; 800-661-9800; info@fotf.ca; 

GST# 10684 5969 RT0001 

Printed in the U.S.A. Paper manufactured by a mill that 

practices sustainable forestry. 

back cover: Halfpoint / stock.adobe.com 

oneinchpunch / stock.adobe.com 

LIGHTFIELD STUDIOS / stock.adobe.com 

4 

FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 

APRIL / MAY 2022

Hacks & Facts 

CLEVER IDEAS FOR SMARTER PARENTING 

spring flowers 

© SERGEY NAREVSKIH / STOCKSY UNITED 

My kids and I enjoy surprising our neighbors with a basket 

of spring flowers a few days before Easter. We include 

a little note about God’s promise of new life that is coming 

soon. The flowers often come from our own garden, and 

it’s special for my kids to feel like they’re sharing some of 

our blessings with others. 

—Emily Yang 


HACKS & FACTS / EASTER 

OUR DEBT AND 

DOUGHNUTS 

To help the meaning of Christ’s resurrection 

come alive for our family, we head to the drivethru 

of our kids’ favorite fast-food restaurant. 

When we pull up to the payment window, we 

not only pay for our food but also for the people 

behind us. Then as we head home, we talk about 

how Jesus paid our debt. 

For the younger kids, we have doughnuts 

and doughnut holes for one weekend breakfast 

before Easter. As I read through the Resurrection 

story, our kids form an empty tomb by stacking a 

doughnut hole on a doughnut. When I read the 

part about the stone being rolled away, everyone 

eats the doughnut hole. Then we talk about the 

Resurrection as we finish our breakfast. 

—Jared Hottenstein 

DIY Easter playset 

When my daughter was a toddler, I 

wanted to bring the Easter story alive in a 

way that she could understand. I repurposed 

the Nativity figurines to be Jesus, 

Mary Magdalene, His disciples and the 

angel at the tomb. I found other figurines 

to become Roman guards, Pontius Pilate 

and Barabbas. I wanted to make sure all 

my children knew about how Christ was 

sacrificed in our place. I fashioned a small 

cross and spray-painted an old toy case 

shaped like a cave to use for Christ’s grave. 

Then we found a stone in the yard to “roll 

away.” And I love when I catch my children 

playing with the set even when it’s 

not Easter. 

—Elizabeth James 

“nailing” our sins to a cross 

During the Easter season, we talk with our children about sin— 

what it does to us and how it harms our relationship with God. 

We discuss why sin deserves punishment. Then we take a cross 

that we made from two-by-fours and set it in the living room. 

We each write on pieces of paper the sins we’ve done. Then 

we let our kids “nail” them to the cross with tape or thumbtacks. 

Afterward, each person receives a blank piece of paper 

representing a clean slate. It really helps our children understand 

how Jesus took away our sins. 

—Brooke Grangard 

6 



EASTER / HACKS & FACTS 

a hallelujah hiatus 

Before Easter week, we have our children 

write the word hallelujah on a piece of 

paper. We put the papers into a box and 

all shout “hallelujah” as loud as we can 

while the lid inches closed. We bury 

the box in the snow or hide it in the 

basement. As soon as the box is closed, 

that word is off-limits until Resurrection 

Sunday, even if it comes up in a song at 

church. On Easter Sunday, we open the 

box and let the “hallelujah” out, yelling it 

as loud as we can. This tradition has been 

a fun way to help our kids feel the joy of 

the Resurrection. 

—Christie Thomas 

care basket 

During Easter week, one of my daughter’s 

friends was bedridden while recovering from 

surgery. The girl’s family had little time for Easter 

preparations. Our family realized God had 

provided an opportunity for us to demonstrate 

His love, and we talked about what we could do. 

My daughter asked if we could fill an Easter 

basket with homemade bread and cookies. She 

also suggested that we buy activity books for 

her friend. My son donated the basket he had 

received the previous year, and we included information 

to livestream our church’s Easter service. 

While preparing the items for the basket, we 

prayed for God’s blessings for their family and 

asked that our gift would be well received as tangible 

evidence of His love. 

We felt that God honored our prayer, blessing 

two families that Easter week—ours in sharing His 

love, theirs in receiving it. 

—Nancy Koenig 

EASTER EGG INVITE 

FOTF / ANNEKA JACK 

I explained to our children that when I was 

younger, we used only real eggs for an Easter 

egg hunt. They were boiled and dyed, hidden 

and hunted. Because many of our senior citizen 

friends can’t eat candy, we made a little egg 

carrier out of sturdy paper and staples, added 

some fake grass and placed a dyed Easter egg 

in it. Then our kids visited several seniors who 

lived alone and gave them their basket along 

with a homemade card. We also included an 

invitation and an offer for a ride to church on 

Easter to celebrate the Resurrection. 

—Donna J. Wright

HACKS & FACTS / JOY 

HAPPY HEARTS 

Our family recently participated in our church’s workday. At first, our girls weren’t 

thrilled about going, but once they began helping with the others, their hearts 

were transformed. They weeded flower beds, waxed cabinets, washed windows 

and cleaned baseboards all with a happy heart. We were exhausted by the end 

of the day, yet the ride home was filled with satisfaction. My 9-year-old daughter 

told me, “It made me feel joy when I was helping others.” While finding joy wasn’t 

our motive, it was a natural outcome of working together with our church. 

—Katie T. Kennedy 

enjoy the wow 

the flip side 

My daughter can become sulky when life seems 

dull. Many days after school, she would ask if 

she could go play at a friend’s house or visit a 

restaurant or store. So on days when we planned 

to hang out as a family at home, we used the 

phrase, “Enjoy the wow that’s happening now,” 

to gently remind her that joy is always at hand— 

even in the ordinary. While it took some practice, 

now she can find and savor her own fun. For 

example, she can recruit her brothers to play a 

giant game of “the floor is lava” in the backyard. 

She now knows that real joy is not something 

“out there” that we chase after. Instead, it’s 

something we carry with us. 


Our family began something that we call “flip it.” 

For each negative thought we acknowledge, we 

accept the emotions that go with it, but then 

flip it to say why we are blessed. For example, 

my daughter would say, “I don’t get to go to 

school.” We would flip this thought and turn it 

into a reason we were blessed: “Not going to 

school is hard and makes you sad, but it means 

we are safe, healthy and get to spend extra time 

together.” After some time, she began flipping 

her own thoughts and seemed to understand 

that it is OK to be sad or upset, but that even 

in the hardest times we can find ways we are 

blessed. 

—Autumn Shaffer 

VIACHESLAV LAKOBCHUK / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

8 



JOY / HACKS & FACTS 

praise playlist 

“Dad, can you play that song?” my 

9-year-old daughter asked as we 

hopped in the car. 

“Which one?” I asked. 

“The one from church,” she answered. 

I turned back and looked at her. “Of 

course!” I played the song from my 

playlist, and we all sang our hearts out 

in joy to King Jesus. 

For 30 days straight, I chose a new 

song that praised Jesus. I found lists of 

praise songs on social media posts. 

I also searched YouTube and asked our 

youth pastors what they listen to. 

My children quickly moved beyond 

merely gravitating to praise music; they 

began needing it. They played Christian 

music in the afternoons around the 

house. And the songs comforted my 

daughter as she listened quietly while 

lying in bed. It was a dream fulfilled to 

hear my children calling on the name of 

the Lord. 

—Michael B. Kopans 

drawing God’s good gifts 

We recently cultivated joy in our home by creating a mural of 

God’s good gifts. 

After discussing James 1:17 (NIrV), I wrote “Every good and perfect 

gift is from God” on the top of the poster, and we hung it in 

the hallway. 

At the end of each day, we gathered around the mural, and each 

person illustrated one gift from the day. Some drawings were as 

simple as a sunrise or a flower. We took a few minutes to talk about 

the simple, powerful ways our loving God gives us His joy. 

—Stacey Pardoe 

“ JOY IS 

deep, cheerful 

contentment. . . . 

JOY IS CONTAGIOUS. 

<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Parents’ Guide 

to the Spiritual Growth of Children 

” 

© MAL DE OJO STUDIO / STOCKSY UNITED 

PUPPY-DOG 

PRAYER 

My kids know that our dog will be 

waiting for them when they come 

home from school. He is always 

overjoyed to see them. His joy 

comes from his relationship with 

our family, and not from the day’s 

happenings while we were away 

from home. 

With that picture of joy in their 

minds, I encouraged my kids to 

start our bedtime prayers with what 

I call a “puppy-dog” prayer—that is, 

to begin with all the ways they are 

joyful. This has become a reminder 

to greet God joyfully and thank Him 

for who He is and what He’s done 

for us. 



HACKS & FACTS / CONVERSATIONS 

discussion-starter photos 

I’ve found that flipping through a photo album with my kids sparks 

great conversations. The often awkward or goofy photos of our 

younger years prompt lots of questions from my kids, and I turn 

those questions into stories that I share about different stages of 

my life. I can handle my kids laughing at some of my awkward 

teen year photos if it helps me talk with my kids about peer pressure 

and fitting in. The photos are discussion starters. My kids 

don’t ever feel like our conversation is scripted or unnatural. 


moving blues 

Earlier this year, some family friends moved away. My daughter 

was best friends with one of their children, so I knew it would be 

hard on her. For a while, she stood strong and pretended as if it 

didn’t bother her. Finally, one night when I was tucking her in, I 

told her that I was feeling sad about the move. She looked at me, 

and her eyes filled with tears as she admitted her own grief about 

their move. By leading the way in showing my own vulnerability, 

I gave my daughter a safe opening to do the same, and it paved 

the way for a healing conversation about change. 


well-timed 

connections 

My husband’s approach to 

encouraging deep conversations 

with our daughter is to do a focused 

activity of interest with her. From 

there, the conversation usually 

blossoms naturally. When my 

husband carves out time to take 

her fishing, our daughter bubbles 

over with words. This has proven 

very helpful in strengthening their 

relationship. 

Bedtime can also be a great time 

for me to foster conversations. As a 

family we share why we are thankful, 

and sometimes those statements 

can lead to deeper discussions. 

With a few well-timed questions or 

comments, our daughter can be 

very reflective in the evenings, so 

I use this time as an opportunity to 

reconnect with her. 

—Lisa Johnson 

‘CAN WE TALK?’ 

Deep conversations at our house often 

start with an apology: “I’m sorry I hurt 

your feelings,” or “I didn’t respond to you 

well earlier. Will you give me another 

chance? I want to hear what you have to 

say.” Then, when my child trusts enough 

to open up, I’ll hear a soft, late-night 

knock on my bedroom door followed 

by, “Mom, are you awake. Can we talk?” 

Then I’ll hold back the temptation to 

pour out all my motherly wisdom, and 

I’ll just listen. 

—Jennifer Henn 

© IVAN GENER / STOCKSY UNITED 

10 



CONVERSATIONS / HACKS & FACTS 

BOOK TALK 

In our family of book lovers, our goto 

conversation starter goes beyond 

“What are you reading?” to “Tell me 

about the hero or the villain. Why do 

you like or dislike that character?” My 

husband and I get a glimpse at our 

kids’ favorite fictional characters and 

also learn what personality traits our 

kids admire. 

—Julia Springman 

reflection 

questions 

© ALTO IMAGES / STOCKSY UNITED 

conversation cues 

I use two questions to get great conversations rolling with my 

kids: “If you could make our family rules, what would they be?” 

and “What is something you’re happy you get to have?” 

I always find out something interesting in my kids’ answers. 

—Laura Schwier 

use your words 

When my kids were younger, I started intentionally verbalizing 

my feelings. For example, if I heard a loud noise, I would say, “Oh! 

That loud noise scared me.” Or when our family endured hardship, 

I openly expressed my feelings of heartbreak. After a while, I 

noticed my oldest started voicing his feelings more. The more we 

talked about feelings, the more my son realized that he was safe 

to open up and tell me about situations in which he was scared 

or frustrated or sad. As we talked about these challenges, we 

discussed the best ways for him to handle his emotions. I am able 

to help guide my son in a way that is more productive because we 

can discuss feelings openly. 

—Niki Poland 

Every day, my husband, daughter 

and I ask each other two questions 

so we can connect and learn 

more about each other’s life. The 

first question has worked well at 

our dinner table to encourage 

conversation: “What are you 

GLAD about today?” This is a 

little acronym we developed, so 

my daughter starts things out by 

sharing something she is Grateful 

for from that day; something she 

Learned; something she Achieved; 

and something that made her 

feel Delighted. The answers 

have often evoked laughter and 

curiosity as my husband and I ask 

follow-up questions to deepen the 

conversation. And then it’s our turn 

to answer the same question. 

The second question concerns 

faith: “How were you like Jesus to 

someone today?” This prompts my 

daughter to reflect on her day to 

consider the opportunities she had 

to be kind, forgiving or inclusive to 

someone in need. 

—Colleen Lasky 


MEDIA / PLUGGED IN 

UPCOMING 

REVIEWS 

For reviews of these and other 

titles, visit PluggedIn.com, <strong>Focus</strong> 

on the Family’s media review and 

discernment website. 

‘THE CHOSEN’: SEASON 3 

Series creator Dallas Jenkins explores 

how Jesus’ rising fame rankles political 

and religious leaders. 

Scheduled release: Spring 2022 

DOCTOR STRANGE IN THE 

MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS 

Will Marvel’s latest sequel be a mindbending 

trip into mysticism? 

Scheduled release: May 6 

DC LEAGUE OF 

SUPER-PETS 

Can these superpowered pets 

keep the potty humor to a 

minimum? 

Scheduled release: May 20 

Are there any worthwhile movies 

about kids in foster care? 

Surprisingly, Hollywood has produced a number of 

films that have great things to say about both foster care 

and the closely related subject of adoption. Here are a 

handful worth considering: 

ANNE OF GREEN GABLES 

This beloved 1985 two-part, G-rated miniseries 

brings the equally beloved book series by Lucy Maud 

Montgomery to life. Fiery-haired Anne Shirley mistakenly 

ends up in the care of two elderly siblings on Prince 

Edward Island in Canada, and nothing is ever the same 

for any of them again. 

THE BLIND SIDE 

This PG-13 drama tells the story of troubled, homeless 

teen Michael Oher, who’s taken in by a family who 

could hardly be more different. The care and love of 

Leigh Anne Tuohy (played by Sandra Bullock) transforms 

Michael’s life and ultimately contributes to his 

first-round selection by the Baltimore Ravens in the 

2009 NFL draft. 

ANNIE 

This musical tale of yet another red-headed orphan has 

captivated audiences in multiple movies since its 

1977 Broadway debut. In it, a precocious little girl 

named Annie wins the heart of hard-driving businessman 

Daddy Warbucks. 

INSTANT FAMILY 

Mark Wahlberg and Rose Byrne star in this poignant, 

realistic film about a couple who adopt three siblings 

through the foster care system. Note, however, 

said “realism” also involves a lot of language woven 

into an otherwise beautiful story, which means 

Instant Family won’t be for all families. 

—Adam Holz, director of Plugged In 

(LEFT TO RIGHT) OUT OF ORDER STUDIOS; MARVEL STUDIOS; WARNER ANIMATION GROUP 

12 



Couples 

shared 

playlists 

and podcasts 

A marriage insight 

from Jenny Nanninga 

MY HUSBAND, SCOTT, AND I 

have managed to stay connected through 

intentionally sharing our interests. Scott is 

an autobody repairman. This allows him 

to listen to music, audiobooks or podcasts 

while working. Similarly, I often listen to 

podcasts while washing dishes or cleaning 

house (with only one earbud in to be on 

alert for the needs of our five children). 

Because of this, we began recommending 

resources to each other. I’d hear an 

excellent presentation on home schooling 

and tell my husband about it. Then he’d 

check it out for himself. Or he might hear a 

good sermon and share it with me. 

In our brief moments after the children 

are asleep, we often discuss what we’ve 

heard. This activity opens avenues for discussion 

on topics ranging from politics 

to child-rearing to missionaries to theology 

to exercise. We typically don’t have 

the time to listen together, but by listening 

at separate times and then coming 

together to talk, we can get to the heart of 

the matter quickly. And doing this creates 

a strong bond between us mentally and 

intellectually. • 

Scott and Jenny 

Nanninga 

WINTER LIGHT IMAGERY 

Jenny and Scott Nanninga home-school their fi v e 

daughters. When they aren’t taking care of their 

garden, chickens, bunnies and cats, they can be 

found adventuring in nature as a family. 


COUPLES / CONFLICT 

Arguments 

Don’t Have to 

Tear You Apart 

Confl ict can lead you toward 

a deeper marriage connection 

BY NICOLE UNICE 

ILLUSTRATIONS BY WU HE PING 

MY HUSBAND AND I knew we 

were too upset for a conversation—but 

we had it anyway. What started as a 

tense volley of one-liners devolved into 

a yelling match and then the ice-cold 

silence that often follows our heated 

exchanges. By the end of the evening, 

we were both exhausted from the tension 

and frustrated by our inability to 

communicate. 

I wish I could say this exchange 

happened ages ago. But it didn’t. It 

happened last year. 

I’ve spent most of my adult life 

engaging in the dynamics of relationships—what 

works, what doesn’t 

and how we move past the hurt into 

places of vulnerability, connection 

and love. Though I’m a “professional” 

relationship person, I still find myself 

in frustrating situations with my 

husband in which we both feel misunderstood, 

unseen and disrespected. 

But what made this conflict different 

from others in the past is that we 

allowed it to lead us toward, rather 

than away from, deeper places of connection 

and love. 

Most of us have experienced 

moments of conflict. We try to communicate 

our needs or desires to each 

other and end up feeling misunderstood, 

or even worse, dismissed. Our 

natural reaction is to blow up, shut up 

or give up. But there is another way. It’s 

not about never having a disagreement 

or conflict with your spouse; it’s about 

what you do after it happens. 

Growing closer 

after the fight 

The moment after the irritated, raised 

voices or cold silence is when we recognize 

that we’ve misunderstood each 

other. What we do next is an opportunity 

to either let the argument drive 

us apart or bring us together. To grow 

closer through conflict, we need some 

new tools in our relationship toolbox. 

According to Dr. John Gottman, 

a marriage therapist, author and 

researcher, only 30% of problems that 

couples face are solvable. Perhaps 

that’s why we rarely focus on the real, 

unsolvable problem when we argue. 

I might feel frustrated because my 

spouse always seems to be on his cellphone 

when we’re talking. But the 

14 



CONFLICT / COUPLES 

problem isn’t necessarily the phone; 

it’s the fact that I feel disregarded when 

I want to connect with him. 

The majority of the problems couples 

fight about have to do with our 

personalities, wiring or conflicting values. 

When we fight, many of us see only 

what is in front of us without asking the 

deeper questions about what is really 

upsetting us. Next time you argue with 

your spouse, allow curiosity to help you 

understand what the real problem is. 

Curiosity helped me understand that 

if my spouse is scrolling on his phone 

when I’m trying to talk with him, I interpret 

his lack of undivided attention as a 

lack of interest in me. That’s the primary 

problem. The cellphone is secondary. 

perceptions and interpretations, we get 

in touch with our actual hurts, desires 

and longings. And that is the place 

where intimacy can grow. 

Moving past behaviors 

Fighting about behaviors often keeps 

us from addressing more vulnerable 

issues of desire and need. But breakthrough 

moments happen when we’re 

willing to move past the behaviors into 

deeper conversations. Only then can 

we open ourselves to each other with 

vulnerability and courage. 

For instance, I once worked with a 

couple named Debbie and Mike,* who 

were dealing with behavior issues. They 

squabbled over weekend plans, social 

When we’re curious about our time with other couples and parenting. >>> 


COUPLES / CONFLICT 

But beyond the behaviors, Debbie was 

frustrated that Mike tended to dismiss 

her ideas and then respond defensively 

when she tried to bring it up. Mike was 

frustrated that Debbie tended to withdraw 

and go silent whenever he wanted 

to “have it out.” 

To move past the behavior, they 

needed to have deeper conversations 

about how their behavior, such 

as squabbling over weekend plans, 

led to feelings of frustration and disappointment, 

and how each person 

was interpreting those feelings. These 

moments would happen only when 

Mike (or Debbie) could honestly say, 

“When we talked about weekend plans, 

I felt frustrated that you walked away. 

I interpreted that to mean that you 

didn’t care or didn’t want to spend time 

with me. Can you help me understand 

your perspective?” 

Connecting through 

compromise 

Conflict feels most threatening when 

we lose connection. When we disagree 

and then distance from each other, fear 

and insecurity rise to the surface. We 

tend to protect ourselves by blaming, 

guarding or acquiescing without really 

working through the conflict. But when 

we maintain connection, we are often 

able to compromise on behaviors to 

unite with love. 

Closer connection happens when 

we let down our guard and validate the 

other’s experience. This doesn’t necessarily 

mean apologizing, although 

sometimes it does. Validating means 

seeking to understand the other person’s 

perspective and choose empathy 

that says, “I can see how you would feel 

that way” or “Now that I hear your side, 

I can see how that would be difficult/ 

frustrating/disappointing.” Validation 

is the willingness to leave our corner 

and say, “I’m open to viewing this 

differently.” 

Another way we move from defensiveness 

toward connection is by 

conveying commitment. Conveying 

commitment can be as simple as saying, 

“I’m on your team” or “I’m committed 

to us, and I want to work through this.” 

When we convey commitment, we 

soothe any fears (even irrational ones) 

the other person may have about conflict 

fracturing the relationship. 

Compromise without connection 

feels like losing. Compromise with 

connection feels like love. This kind of 

intimacy happens when we choose to 

seek understanding, move past behaviors 

and stay connected even amid 

conflict. When we’re connected, conflict 

becomes less scary and love grows 

deeper, one conversation at a time. • 

*Names and details changed for confidentiality 

Nicole Unice is an author, pastor, leadership 

coach and podcast host who helps people 

learn how to love one another. Her latest 

book, The Miracle Moment, guides readers to 

transform conflict into connection.

Enrich your relationship by praying as a couple | BY DEAN RIDINGS 

I’LL NEVER FORGET AN EVENTFUL 

DRIVE HOME from a road trip to Oregon. My 

wife, Kim, our four kids, and I were packed into our 

station wagon, complete with luggage in our rooftop 

carrier. Coming out of the California mountains, we 

passed a semitruck. 

Soon after, a huge sandstorm swept over us. I 

couldn’t see ahead or behind us. I slowed the car to 

a crawl, aware that the 18-wheeler wasn’t far behind 

us. Trying to keep our own fears in check, Kim and I 

worked to calm our panicked kids. 

Most memorably, my wife and I cried out to God 

for help. 

If you’re like me, the most natural times to pray 

with your spouse are in times of crisis: when you get 

a late-night phone call, doctor’s diagnosis or sudden 

urge to say, “Jesus, take the wheel!” 

But praying together can be so much more than that. 

Christian couples find greater joy in their relationship 

with God and each other when they intentionally take 

time to pray together. As Kim and I have made this a 

regular practice, we’ve been better able to see each 

other’s hearts, gently realize our own flaws, receive 

and extend forgiveness, and grow in intimacy. 

In the process, we’ve discovered three important, 

biblically based prayers to pray together: 


COUPLES / PRAYER 

“Lord, help 

us to seek 

You first” 

WE BELIEVE that a couple’s most important prayer is to ask God to 

help them seek Him first and foremost, individually and as a couple. 

Kim and I start by thanking God for our marriage and each other. 

We ask the Lord to show us how to honor each other as individuals 

uniquely created in His image. We also ask God to help each of us 

thrive in an abiding relationship with Him. 

Then we adapt Paul’s prayers for early church believers. Paul’s 

words provide a wonderful template for praying that God would give 

our spouse wisdom and revelation so our spouse might know Him 

better (Ephesians 1:17), that he or she would be filled to the measure 

of the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:19), that good works would 

bear fruit as our spouse grows in the knowledge of God (Colossians 

1:10), and much more. 

Finally, in light of challenges of the week ahead, we always ask 

God to help us cast our cares on Him (1 Peter 5:7). 

“Lord, we pray 

for our family” 

IF YOU’RE A PARENT, praying for your children’s 

well-being is probably second nature. The following 

topics and verses can help direct those prayers: 

• Kim and I pray for our children’s personal relationships 

with God through Jesus Christ. Keeping 

in mind Joshua’s call to “choose this day whom you 

will serve,” we declare as he did, “As for me and my 

house, we will serve the Lord” (Joshua 24:15). 

• We also pray that God would be at the center 

of our children’s lives. This leads us to think about 

what’s going on in their world—at home, school 

or work. We also talk to God about our children’s 

friends and acquaintances, especially those who 

have influence on their lives. 

• Finally, we adapt the words found in Deuteronomy 

6:5-9. In these verses, Moses encourages parents 

to impress God’s commandments on the hearts of 

their children all throughout the day: sitting at home, 

walking along the road, preparing for bed and rising 

in the morning. This Scripture feels as relevant today 

as it did when it was written. We ask God to help us 

live out these words before our children. 

In addition to praying for our kids, we pray 

together for our extended families. The idea of 

embracing each other’s extended families is so 

important that, whenever I officiate a wedding, 

I remind people of Ruth’s beautiful words in Ruth 

1:16: “Your people shall be my people.” Ruth made 

this promise to her mother-in-law; how much more 

important it is for a bride and groom to embrace 

each other’s extended families. 

As you pray for the salvation and spiritual growth 

of members of your extended families, you’ll draw 

closer together as a couple as well. 

18 



Take our 

FREE 

marriage 

assessment 

“Lord, show us 

how to love our 

neighbors” 

THE TWO GREATEST COMMAND- 

MENTS are to love God and love 

others (Matthew 22:37-39). Praying 

together for your community is a 

wonderful way to put these commandments 

in action. 

Kim and I pray for the lost and hurting 

in our community, and as the Lord 

leads, we invite them into our home 

(Luke 14:13-14). 

We also pray as we walk through 

our neighborhood, letting each 

house remind us of the precious lives 

within. When we aren’t aware of specific 

needs among our neighbors, we 

pray for their spiritual health, physical 

well-being and their relationships with 

Jesus and each other. And when God 

brings a Bible passage to mind, we 

base our prayers on it. 

Finally, we keep the names of our 

immediate neighbors written on the 

inside of one of our cabinet doors. 

Every time we welcome new neighbors 

with fresh-baked goodies, we add their 

names to the list. The more we reach 

out to our neighbors in the day to day, 

the more they share their lives with 

us, which helps us pray specifically for 

their needs. 

Start today! 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca 

/MarriageAssessment 

Now it’s your turn 

In case you’re wondering, my family and I made it safely through the sandstorm. It 

took a while for the trembling to stop—but you can imagine how grateful to God 

we were as we settled into our hotel room that night. 

There’s another reason I share this story. Like driving through a sandstorm, praying 

with your spouse can feel unfamiliar, challenging, even scary. 

Let me encourage you to give it a go anyway. 

Scripture tells us that when we pray together, God is present, He cares, and He 

hears and answers our prayers. What’s more, the prayers you say with your spouse 

can draw you both closer to God’s heart and to each other. • 

Dean Ridings is a pastor and the director of biblical counseling at Calvary Worship Center in Colorado 

Springs, Colorado. He’s the author of Walking and Talking With God: A simple way to pray every day.

COUPLES / COMMUNICATION 

fishing for connection 

Understanding my husband’s 

hobbies brought us closer together 

BY SABRINA MCDONALD 

I'VE LEARNED THAT 

little can prepare stepfamilies for 

the blended journey. Surprises are 

standard. So successful remarriages 

require adaptability. For me, this 

learning curve first appeared in the 

form of my husband’s interests— 

hunting and fishing. 

Robbie is a 21st-century Daniel 

Boone. There’s not an animal he can’t 

kill, skin and fry up for dinner. I had 

never been around an outdoorsman, 

and I soon realized I was a fish out of 

water. 

While watching a fishing show 

(something Robbie mysteriously finds 

entertaining), an angler explained he 

was “ripping the Rat-L-Trap out of the 

coontails.” My brow crinkled and head 

cocked. It sounded like English but 

made no sense. 

A new language 

Outdoorsman talk was a new dialect 

of the English language for me. 

Personally, I like reading, writing and 

crafting, and I don’t like sweating. So 

learning an “outdoorsy” lingo and lifestyle 

wasn’t my idea of fun. But I did 

know I loved this man, and if being 

closer to him meant giving up a little 

comfort, I felt the extra work was 

worth it. 

I started my new education by asking 

lots of questions. “What’s a Shakey 

Jighead? What’s a Whopper Plopper? 

How does a deer rut?” 

At times, learning the jargon was 

exhausting, and I often felt stupid. 

Robbie was confused by my ignorance, 

thinking everyone knew these terms. 

But in order to communicate, fellowship 

and encourage this man, I had to 

learn his mysterious language. And 

soon he even enjoyed imparting his 

knowledge to me, an eager listener. 

Speaking his language 

Eventually, I organized a fishing trip for 

our anniversary. Robbie teemed with 

pride when I caught a 6-pound trout. 

I’ve never seen him more in love. 

Now, years later, I’m still not outdoorsy. 

I don’t anticipate deer season 

or practice duck calls. I’ve gained new 

experiences, though, including shooting 

guns at the range and reloading 

ammo. But the greatest gain is the ability 

to talk to my husband about what 

he loves, and best of all, catch that penetrating 

glimmer in his eyes when I 

join him on his adventures. • 

Sabrina McDonald is the author of Write God 

In Deeper: Journal your way to a richer faith. 

© MEGHAN PINSONNEAULT / STOCKSY UNITED 

20 



Faith & Inspiration 

a way forward 

A spiritual insight from <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family leadership 

BY DR. DANIEL HUERTA 

OLGA.AND.DESIGN / STOCK.ADOBE.COM 

AS A THERAPIST, I’ve encountered 

people who find it difficult to 

break their own destructive patterns. 

They’re used to behaving one way, and 

they continue those habits, despite 

receiving an invitation to wholeness. 

One young woman told me she was 

comfortable with what she knew and 

did not see herself being able to change. 

Perhaps we all have a tendency to do 

that, to continue doing things the way 

we’ve always done them, even though 

the results are not what we want. But 

1 Peter 1:13-25 presents a way forward 

for Christians who want to move toward 

healthier patterns of living. Because 

our actions follow our thoughts, Peter 

encourages us to prepare our minds. 

Then he tells us to consciously set 

our hope in Christ Jesus, not in our circumstances 

or the people around us. 

The goal is to be holy through the holiness 

of Christ. Here are a few questions 

to ask yourself: 

Is my life governed by the 

direction of the Holy Spirit? 

(Psalm 105:4; John 15) 

Do I take the time to prepare 

my mind to demonstrate godly 

actions each week? 

(Colossians 3:16) 

Do I work to authentically 

love others in the day to day? 

Am I life-affirming to others? 

(John 7:38) 

The point is to view life in light of 

God’s truth, which we find in His Word. 

Bible reading helps us take a long-term 

view of what God can do—in our decisions, 

directions and relationships. 

So, to live in a way that allows me 

to adjust and continue to abide in 

Christ’s holiness, I spend time in 

God’s Word and trust the Holy Spirit 

to equip me for every good work He’s 

prepared for me (2 Timothy 3:16-17). 

Jesus said in John 15:5, “Apart from 

me you can do nothing.” The path 

forward may not be comfortable or 

familiar, but it leads to wholeness and 

purpose in Jesus every day. • 

Dr. Daniel Huerta is the vice president of 

Parenting and Youth at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

He is a psychologist, a licensed clinical social 

worker and the author of 7 Traits of Effective 

Parenting. 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / COMMUNICATION 

scrappy 

hospitality 

Show Christ’s 

love by building 

relationships with 

neighbors who 

don’t think like you 

BY PRESTON ULMER 

ILLUSTRATIONS BY 

BRIAN MELLEMA 

SOME NEIGHBORHOODS 

ARE DESIGNED to encourage 

friendship. We live in one of them. 

Our driveway is a cement canvas for 

budding chalk artists, and our 4-foot 

backyard fence allows jumping chihuahuas 

to greet energetic poodles. The 

kids play together, running between 

yards and entering each other’s 

homes as if they were their own. The 

neighborhood pool has become the 

impromptu social gathering for introverts 

and extroverts alike. The problem 

is, no real relationships form by just 

talking about sports and the weather. 

Not long after moving to this neighborhood, 

my wife, Lisa, and I were 

invited to a neighbor’s house for dinner. 

We were pretty sure the family wasn’t 

Christian. Everything went well until, 

Brian, the father of the family, asked 

who I voted for in the last election. 

“Who did I vote for?” I stalled. I 

wanted to answer in a way that showed 

Brian the love of Christ, whether we 

voted the same or differently. After 

explaining my reasoning, I eventually 

told him. 

He smiled. “I voted for the other guy.” 

Our conversation continued, and 

we talked about the why behind our 

election choices. At the core, we both 

wanted what was good for the people 

in our country. Since then, Brian and 

I have had many meals together and 

many conversations. 

Granted, not all relationships go 

this way. So when faced with people 

who believe differently from us—politically, 

socially, spiritually—I now 

apply four principles to show them 

Christ’s light and love. 

22 



COMMUNICATION / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

Respect 

I do my best to treat every person I 

talk to with dignity, remembering that 

he or she is made in God’s image. As 

the apostle Paul said, “Let your reasonableness 

be known to everyone” 

(Philippians 4:5). 

Showing others respect allows people 

to be vulnerable without feeling 

judged. And if anything shuts down a 

conversation, it’s when someone feels 

condemned or judged. 

Lisa and I consider inviting neighbors 

into our home to be an act of 

“scrappy hospitality.” Recently, my wife 

hosted a gathering at our house. One 

of the neighbors confessed how she 

was drunk the previous night and was 

still experiencing a hangover. Her kids 

were playing with ours in the driveway 

while she was talking about her 

half-remembered evening. Lisa asked 

her if she was doing OK and if we could 

help with anything. 

“No,” she said, and then admitted, 

“my grandparents and parents are in 

the hospital with COVID. I think I’m 

having trouble processing that.” This 

was no time to condemn her behavior. 

Our friend needed gentle support that 

made her feel respected and heard. 

Investment 

Lisa and I are convinced that there is 

something sacred about our driveway 

because some of the most important 

people sit there. When our children are 

playing with neighborhood kids, we 

invite other parents over. This is where 

we keep conversations going. We check 

on the status of their job, upcoming 

weddings or anything else that’s 

pressing to them. The playing children 

are a welcome distraction. Watching 

them on scooters brings levity to some 

of the most important topics. 

Short, quick interactions do not 

build trust. Long, intentional conversations 

do. And some of the best ways 

to initiate relationships are as simple 

as walking around the neighborhood 

or sitting in the bleachers during soccer 

practice. If we put our phones away 

and give people more than a hand 

wave, our relationships are better able 

to withstand disagreements. 

Vulnerability 

After I pulled into the garage from a 

four-day work trip, one of the neighbor’s 

kids opened the door from 

inside my house to greet me before 

my own children did. >>> 


LISTEN NOW! 

Amy Lively explains how to cultivate 

community and share the love of 

Christ with your neighbors. 

<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio 

“Hi, Mr. Preston,” she said. 

“Hi, Ava! Thanks for holding the door 

open for me.” 

Ava’s family members aren’t 

Christians. One of the best ways we 

can rebuild the impression Ava’s parents 

have of Jesus is by welcoming 

their children as He would. 

I’m grateful Jesus has a special place 

in His heart for children because children 

don’t judge the cleanliness of 

our houses. If anything, they judge the 

openness of our homes. 

Interest 

Years ago, when my family and I first 

moved to Denver, I was talking with 

one of our neighbors who was walking 

his dog. But really, I wasn’t all that 

interested in what he did for a living. 

Like an overzealous church planter, 

I couldn’t wait to tell him that we were 

starting a local faith community. 

“So what do you do?” he finally asked. 

“We moved here to start a church,” 

I told him. 

His eyes glazed over. “A church?” He 

gave a light tug on the leash to indicate 

to his resting dog that the conversation 

was over. It was time to leave. 

I’ve replayed that exchange numerous 

times in my head. Every time, I’m 

reminded that I was so excited to talk 

about myself that it kept me from getting 

to know him better. 

People can tell when we are generally 

interested in them. To seem more interested 

in people, we have to be more 

interested in them. To seem curious, we 

have to be curious. To look as if we’re 

listening, we have to actually listen. 

One of the ways to keep neighbors 

in the conversation is resisting the 

temptation to talk about ourselves too 

much or give unsolicited opinions. 

Conversations are supposed to be how 

we continue relationships, not how we 

end them. Disagreements don’t have 

to result in a break in the relationship, 

just a break in the conversation. 

Perhaps one of Jesus’ most intriguing 

personality traits was that He asked 

questions. He was always listening to 

His Father and to those around Him. 

My daughter Piper’s third grade 

teacher lives across the street from us. 

Her son, James, is one of Piper’s best 

friends. Although James and his family 

are not Christians, we have seen them 

have an increasing interest in Jesus’ 

way of living. The impromptu driveway 

talks, random dinner parties and intentional 

conversations have created a safe 

space for them to explore Jesus. And 

whether they ever think like us will not 

determine our commitment to them. • 

Preston Ulmer is the founder and director of the 

Doubters’ Club, an organization that teaches 

people, regardless of their beliefs, to be kind to 

one another and pursue truth together. He’s also 

the director of the Church Multiplication Network, 

the church planting arm of the Assemblies of 

God and the author of The Doubters’ Club. 

24 



EVANGELISM / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

MY FAMILY 

OF FIGHTERS 

The Stier family’s 

journey from 

body builders to 

bold evangelists 

BY BENJAMIN HAWKINS 

PHOTOS BY JAMES STUKENBERG 

Greg Stier 


Greg and his mother 

GREG STIER WAS JUST 5 

YEARS OLD when he noticed an 

unfamiliar car pull up in front of the 

box-brick duplex his family rented in 

crime-ridden north Denver. He immediately 

called for his mother. Since 

gang members were known to hang 

out in the neighborhood, she’d warned 

him to watch out for strangers. 

But this time Greg recognized the 

driver. 

“Ma, one of my daddies is here,” he 

said. His mother, Shirley, stood at the 

kitchen window, where she’d been 

washing dishes. A cigarette hung from 

her mouth. 

“Paul,” his mother growled. “That 

jerk!” 

Shirley’s husband had walked out 

on her and her two sons only a few 

months earlier. Paul was back now, 

looking to claim a tax return check. 

“Where’s the bat?” Shirley asked. In 

reply, Greg held up a small plastic bat 

that he often played with. Shirley had 

something else in mind. She reached 

behind the front door, pulled out a 

Louisville Slugger and stormed out 

of the house, cursing and shouting at 

Paul. She shattered Paul’s windshield, 

knocked the side-view mirrors loose 

and left dents around the vehicle. 

Paul jumped out of the car to stop 

her, but he never stood a chance. 

Shirley bloodied him with the bat until 

he climbed back in his car and fled. 

“I remember thinking,” Greg says, “as 

she walked up that sidewalk with the 

bloody, splintered bat, I will never disobey 

my mommy again.” 

A family of fighters 

His mother’s entire family was tough. 

Her five brothers were body building, 

street-fighting siblings, dubbed by the 

Denver Mafia as “the crazy brothers.” 

Five-year-old Greg saw with his own 

eyes his family’s penchant for violence. 

Not only did his mother beat her husband 

with a bat, but his uncle Jack also 

spent time in jail for choking two cops 

who tried to arrest him, and his uncle 

Bob nearly beat a man to death. 

Greg, however, was different. Rather 

than fighting, he preferred to crawl 

under the kitchen sink or behind the 

couch to read books. One Christmas, 

when Greg was only 6, his uncle Dave 

mocked him as a sissy by giving him a 

girl’s doll. When Greg reacted in anger, 

Uncle Dave applauded him. 

“Well,” he said, “maybe he’s one of us 

after all.” 

“I was not a tough kid,” Greg admits, 

“and I didn’t know how I got into this 

family.” 

By the end of the decade that followed, 

that same family was barely 

recognizable. Greg watched how God 

transformed the lot of them from a 

gang of lawbreaking street brawlers into 

a family filled with passion for Jesus. 

“Take out the toughest guy” 

To win Greg’s family to Christ, God used 

the faithful witness of a tough Southern 

preacher known in the community as 

Yankee. Born to a counterfeiting and 

bootlegging father, Yankee came to faith 

in Christ at age 18, attended Bible college 

and eventually planted a church in 

the Denver suburb of Arvada. There he 

met a man who knew Greg’s family. 

This man dared Yankee to share 

the Gospel with them, and Yankee 

accepted the challenge. He started 

with the toughest one of all, and when 

Greg’s uncle Jack came to faith, the 

other dominoes started to fall. 

“It was like a gang fight,” Greg says. 

“Take out the toughest guy, and everyone 

else gives in. . . . So, praise the Lord, 

the whole family came to Christ.” 

Greg himself accepted Jesus as his 

Savior at age 8, and as he matured 

as a believer, Yankee taught him 

how to share his faith with enthusiasm 

and preach sermons that led the 

lost to repentance. Later, Greg even 

26 



EVANGELISM / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

participated in preaching competitions 

through his Christian high school. 

In his latest book, Unlikely Fighter, 

Greg admits, “Having struggled all my 

life with feeling like a misfit in my own 

family, I had a burning desire for both 

peer acceptance and adult approval 

coursing through my veins. That was 

one of my underlying drives behind 

. . . my desire to be an award-winning 

preacher and spiritual leader.” 

Greg wasn’t alone in his evangelistic 

zeal. Other members of his family 

earned a reputation for sharing Christ 

without shame—and often with flare. 

For example, Greg’s brother, Doug, 

once pulled up his bicycle alongside a 

car full of young men at the stoplight 

of a busy intersection. Doug began to 

share the Good News but couldn’t finish 

before the light turned green. So he 

grabbed hold of the car as it accelerated 

to nearly 40 miles an hour. Doug 

pedaled and preached as he held on to 

the car, not letting go until he finished 

his Gospel presentation. 

When Greg heard what his older 

brother had done, he reprimanded 

him. “You could have been pulled 

under the tires and killed,” Greg said. 

Doug simply replied, “Those guys 

need to know Jesus.” 

On another occasion, Uncle Jack 

shared Christ with another body 

builder at the gym. Jack hadn’t been 

a Christian very long, and he hadn’t 

quite overcome all of his rough-andtumble 

habits. As he shared the Gospel, 

another man began to jeer at him and 

interrupt the conversation. 

“I’m trying to tell this guy about the 

love of Jesus,” Jack said. “Why don’t 

you shut your stinking mouth?” If 

the man didn’t stop, Jack warned, he 

would take him down. 

When the heckler continued to 

interrupt the conversation, Jack made 

good on his threat. A powerful right 

hook sent the message that Jack wasn’t 

kidding around. 

“Jesus didn’t go around hitting people,” 

the other man protested. 

“Well, I ain’t Jesus,” he replied. “I’m 

Jack.” 

Greg's uncle Larry 

Greg's uncle Jack 

FAMILY PHOTOS COURTESY OF GREG STIER 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / EVANGELISM 

And then there were two 

While most of Greg’s family members 

were transformed from the inside 

out, there remained two holdouts who 

resisted the call to faith: Greg’s uncle 

Richard, who lived out of state, and his 

mother, Shirley. 

“My mom never thought God could 

forgive her,” Greg says. On many occasions, 

he recalls, his mother would cry 

when she looked at Greg. 

“I’m a bum,” she would say. “I’m 

nothing but a no-good bum.” When 

Greg was older, his grandmother 

revealed that his mother’s fits of rage 

and sadness grew from the shame of 

an unplanned pregnancy and that 

Shirley nearly had an abortion before 

changing her mind. The child she carried 

was Greg, and the shame made 

her slow to turn to Christ. 

“He’d never accept me into His family,” 

Shirley told Greg. But her son 

refused to give up. One day, when Greg 

was 15 years old, he once more urged 

his mother to follow Christ and find 

forgiveness for her sins. After listening 

once again, she took a drag on her cigarette 

and looked off into the distance. 

At last she spoke: “I’m in.” 

That same year, Greg’s grandfather 

died, and his uncles encouraged Greg to 

preach the sermon at the funeral. They 

all wanted his uncle Richard—the family’s 

last remaining holdout—to hear 

the Gospel, and they knew Greg could 

share it better than anyone in the family. 

Standing in front of some 500 guests 

at the funeral, Greg proclaimed the 

message of salvation. He spoke for half 

an hour, and when he called on those 

gathered to turn to Christ, many did. 

But Uncle Richard was unconvinced, 

arms folded, staring at Greg and shaking 

his head. He refused the call of 

Christ that day, though God used Greg 

to lead Uncle Richard to faith 12 years 

later as his uncle was dying of cancer. 

Even as Uncle Richard remained 

unmoved, Greg Stier discovered his 

true calling in life during those 30 minutes 

in the pulpit. 

A new family trait 

From that point on, Greg never hesitated 

to share his faith. “If you found 

the cure to cancer and everybody had 

cancer,” he asks, “why wouldn’t you 

tell everybody?” 

Yankee and others taught him that 

sin and its consequences were as bad 

as, or worse than, cancer, and they 

instilled in him a sense of evangelistic 

urgency. He had seen for himself how 

Christ could transform an entire family, 

and it stirred up his passion for the lost. 

Greg writes in Unlikely Fighter that 

it wasn’t just urgency that lit up his 

preaching. It was the surety that the 

Gospel could change lives (as it did in 

his), change families (as it did in his), 

and change entire cities, as Greg seeks 

to do today through Dare 2 Share, a 

global ministry he started that mobilizes 

teenagers to share the Gospel 

around the world. Dare 2 Share equips 

youth leaders to build evangelism programs 

in their churches and train teens 

to share their faith with their peers. 

“Every teen everywhere” is the Dare 2 

Share motto that encourages Christian 

teens to share the Gospel with a friend. 

“We’ve trained millions of teenagers 

and youth leaders how to share the 

Gospel,” Greg says, “how to build what 

we call a Gospel-advancing ministry, 

and to see themselves as missionaries 

on their campuses, with their classmates 

and teammates.” 

Perhaps Greg didn’t inherit his 

Uncle Jack’s natural grit and aggression 

or his brother Doug’s fearlessness 

and intensity, but his flare for telling 

people about Jesus’ love is now a 

Spirit-inspired, family trait that Greg 

can call his own. • 

Benjamin Hawkins is a freelance writer and 

associate editor of The Pathway, the news 

journal of the Missouri Baptist Convention. 

UNLIKELY FIGHTER 

Read the incredible story of how God transformed 

Greg Stier’s family of bullies to become bold 

witnesses to the power of the Gospel. 

Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca 

28 



FOSTER CARE & ADOPTION / FAITH & INSPIRATION 

Faces of 

Foster Care 

Snapshots of fi ve kids who grew 

up in the foster care system 

COMPILED BY DR. SHAREN FORD 

EVERY FOSTER CARE 

STORY IS DIFFERENT. 

Some kids need temporary care so 

they can be returned to their biological 

parents. Others need to be adopted 

into forever homes. For some kids, a 

foster home is a loving refuge from a 

dangerous living situation. For others, 

it’s a confusing, scary experience 

that does little to reinforce feelings of 

acceptance or security. 

But many foster care stories have 

elements in common, too. A couple of 

things come to mind: 1) Fostering kids 

in need is typically “messy” because 

it involves fractured families, and 2) 

every child in foster care needs—and 

deserves—to be loved and valued as 

God’s child. 

The following stories were written by 

people who spent some of their childhoods 

in foster care. These stories are 

powerful reminders that foster care 

isn’t about an institution, but individuals. 

They also remind us that when 

good people care for hurting children 

for the right reasons, precious lives are 

impacted—sometimes for eternity.>>> 


FAITH & INSPIRATION / FOSTER CARE & ADOPTION 

Just Wanting 

a Home 

BY JIM DALY 

AFTER THE DEATH OF MY MOTHER and the 

abandonment of my stepfather, my older brother, 

Dave, found a family, the Reils, who would take in my 

siblings and me. While living with a family I didn’t 

know wasn’t my first choice, I took comfort in the fact 

that we wouldn’t be split up. 

The Reils had a simple routine. We ate cinnamon 

and sugar on toast with instant hot chocolate for 

breakfast, every breakfast. In the evenings, the family 

would listen to the radio, talk and smoke. 

In one of my initial visits with our social worker, 

she said, “Jimmy, Mr. Reil claims you tried to kill him.” 

“Me? But . . . I’m 10 years old! How?” 

She leaned forward, raised an eyebrow and said, 

“Mr. Reil claims you tried to push him off of a cliff.” 

We were living in the desert. There were no cliffs for 

miles. My heart started bumping in my chest. 

She explained that Mr. Reil was going senile and 

we had two options: “We can keep you guys together, 

and you can hunker down here until we find another 

solution. If so, I’ll do what I can to make sure Mr. Reil 

understands you don’t mean him any harm. Or we 

can separate you and place you into the appropriate 

foster care homes for your respective ages.” 

I didn’t like the sound of either of those options. 

But I stayed. 

Life with the Reils never felt like home to me. I was 

thankful for a roof over my head, a place to bathe and 

food to eat. But I never felt settled. I certainly didn’t 

feel loved. I always felt like an undesirable guest. 

Jim Daly is the president of <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. This story is 

adapted from his book Finding Home, a <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

publication. All rights reserved. 

FROM FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 

FINDING HOME 

Read Jim Daly's full story. 

Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca 

30 




LISTEN NOW! 

Dr. Sharen Ford shares ways to 

help children in foster care. 


Calling Them 

Mom and Dad 

BY HELEN RICHARDSON 

KATHERINE MARIE PHOTOGRAPHY 

WE DIDN’T HAVE RUNNING WATER OR ELEC- 

TRICITY, and there wasn’t enough food. The trailer 

where we lived wasn’t a safe space, and my parents 

struggled to care for me. When someone gave my 

mother a lift from town back to our trailer, the dangerous 

conditions in which we lived came to light—and 

the authorities stepped in. 

Kinship care 

For years, I bounced back and forth between my parents 

and foster care. When I was 3, my father passed 

away. Three years later, my mother passed away, too. 

I moved into kinship care, which is care provided 

by relatives. My grandmother took me in, but when 

she had a stroke, I was moved into the home of 

another relative and then another and another. 

The bouncing around continued until I was 18 and 

aged out of the system. 

Foster families 

Sometimes I didn’t live with relatives, but with foster 

families. These experiences were the most meaningful 

to me. I felt safe. I knew there was enough food. 

I had clean clothes, a warm bed and people around 

me who made me feel secure. 

One of my favorite memories is sitting at the 

counter in the kitchen of a new foster family as the 

woman explained that I could call her and her husband 

Mom and Dad if I wanted to. 

Being able to call someone Mom and Dad may 

seem like a simple thing, but those words mean that 

you are part of a family. That you are loved, wanted, 

cared for. That no matter what happens, you have 

someone to go to. 

After I left that family, I never called anyone Mom 

or Dad again. 

Aging out 

When I aged out of the system, I went on to college 

and then work. At first I floundered, but God found me, 

and I learned during those years when I felt so alone 

that He was with me. And when I became a Christian, 

I discovered a huge network of church family. 

Today, my husband and I plan to adopt from foster 

care so we can be Mom and Dad to kids who 

need a safe, loving family. And we consistently pray 

for the thousands of other children and youth in the 

system. >>> 

Helen Richardson is the manager of Foster Care and Adoption 

at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. She is an advocate for kids in foster care. 



Never 

Forgotten 

BY CHRISTOPHER MOORE 

OUR MOTHER HAD PROMISED she would be 

back soon, but that felt like forever ago as my brother, 

Anthony, and I lay on a pile of cardboard boxes in the 

corner of an abandoned apartment complex. 

Anthony was 4, and I was 5. Food was hard to come 

by. Strangers came and went. Others milled around 

claiming their own spots. 

Protective care 

Sirens rang loud in the night. I was used to that, but 

then beams of flashlights were everywhere. Two 

policemen found us. We spent the rest of the night 

sleeping either in the back of their car or inside the 

police station. 

I was scared. So was Anthony. We had no idea what 

was going on. We wanted our mother. 

Eventually, we were taken to a house where we 

weren’t allowed to hang out with the other kids in the 

home. Every night for two weeks, I sat on the edge of 

my bed and wailed for my mother. 

On July 5, 2000, a social worker came to our temporary 

shelter and took us to our placement. My brother 

and I grabbed our trash bags of belongings. Anthony 

and I went for a ride and were dropped off at the door 

of an unfamiliar house. 

My foster family 

Inside, we discovered a foster family that cared 

about us. 

Three years and a long custody battle later, Anthony 

and I were given the right to stay in that home and 

become Moores. We were adopted on April 2, 2003, 

and it was one of the best days of my life. 

In spite of all I experienced, I realize now that 

God never forgot about me or left me. He had a plan 

and purpose for my life, a plan and purpose that is 

still unfolding. 

Though it took me a few painful years to find healing, 

I am now 26 and married to my best friend and 

beautiful wife. We own our own home and are dog 

owners of the cutest goldendoodle. 

I thank God for all He has done and is doing in 

my life. 

I am blessed. 

Christopher Moore works in home renovations and with a 

church youth group. 

NICK DAVIS 

32 




Breaking 

the Cycle 

BY GENEVIEVE TRAVERSY 

BRITTANY CRUSE 

I VIVIDLY REMEMBER standing outside 

my foster home on a crisp autumn 

evening and hearing my caseworker 

say that I was “unadoptable” now 

because I had turned 12. 

I felt numb. The rustling leaves on 

the trees seemed to stop moving. The 

dirt driveway felt like it was crumbling 

beneath my feet. 

I was unwanted. Undesirable. 

Foster care 

Between ages 3 and 18, I was placed 

in 16 different homes. I grew up surrounded 

by social workers, lawyers, 

multiple foster parents and siblings. So 

many lives touched mine, yet I felt like 

no one could relate to me. 

When the other kids in middle 

school discovered I was just a “poor 

foster kid with no family,” the pain I felt 

drove me to act out in unhealthy ways. 

I turned to fighting, anorexia, drugs and 

abusive relationships with older men. 

At age 15, I found myself pregnant, 

alone and afraid. When a clinic nurse 

encouraged me to have an abortion 

to “help my situation,” I literally ran 

from the building. Covering my belly 

protectively with my arms as I ran, 

I promised my preborn child that 

I would love and protect him. His life 

wasn’t a surprise to God. My child was 

wanted and desired by our heavenly 

Father and by me. 

Taking responsibility 

Raising my son while going to high 

school and college was not easy. But 

I was determined to break the cycle of 

foster care in my biological family. 

I married my high school sweetheart, 

and we had four additional children, 

the youngest of whom we adopted. 

My former caseworkers began to 

set up speaking engagements for me 

to share my story. Eventually I started 

teaching foster parenting classes. 

Through these opportunities and 

others, I’ve been able to share what it 

means to be a foster child, foster and 

adoptive mother, and child of God. 

After all, my heavenly Father adopted 

me and healed my fractured soul 

through His genuine love for me. >>> 

Genevieve Traversy is a foster care family 

recruiter who helps people become foster 

parents. She founded a nonprofit called Lean 

on Us to bring foster kids together once a 

month for fun activities. 



Learning 

the Language 

of Family 

BY ARUNA MOORE 

I WAS BORN IN CAMBODIA to an Italian 

American pianist and a Cambodian woman. My 

mother wanted nothing to do with me. 

While my father was not rich, he was considered a 

wealthy American in the eyes of the Cambodian people. 

But when I was 5, my father got into an accident 

and lost his job at the hotel where he was employed. 

I was placed in two different orphanages before my 

father and I moved to the United States. 

Everything new 

Once in the U.S., my father and I stayed in a motel. He 

was abusive, so I was removed from his care. I was 

placed first into a transitional home and then into a 

home with a Cambodian family. 

At this point, I was almost 6. Living in a home with 

running water and electricity was new to me. I also 

only spoke Khmer. 

The Cambodian couple already had three children. 

The county let them take me in because they spoke fluent 

Khmer. They were supposed to teach me English. 

But as I began to learn English, I started losing my 

grasp of Khmer—and apparently my foster mother 

didn’t approve. I remember she wouldn’t let me 

watch Cinderella unless I asked to watch it in Khmer. 

She also wouldn’t let me go into the pool or play with 

certain things unless I spoke my request in Khmer. 

Another rejection 

I started acting out and throwing tantrums. I was 

told that if I misbehaved one more time, I would 

have to leave. 

Eight months after this placement, the couple told 

the county they didn’t want me. Their rejection reinforced 

my fear that I was unworthy of love. 

I knew Jesus loved me and that God had sent Him 

to die in my place, but it wasn’t until I was older that 

I put my life in His hands. 

Shortly before my seventh birthday, I was adopted 

into a family that showed me unconditional love. 

The day they adopted me is one of the most 

important days of my life. • 

Aruna Moore is currently beginning her adult life. 

Dr. Sharen Ford is a nationally recognized child welfare 

consultant and a retired manager from the Colorado 

Department of Human Services in the Division of Child Welfare 

Services. She currently serves as the director for Foster Care and 

Adoption at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. 

NICK DAVIS 

34 



Inves in your child’s faith 

From 

$29.99 

Subscribe to a fun magazine! 

Ages 

3-7 

Ages 

8-12 

Teen 

girls 

Make learning about the 

Lord the highlight of your 

child’s day with Clubhouse Jr. 

magazine for young boys and 

girls! Share together in page 

after page of stories, crafts, 

puzzles and games and watch 

your child grow in their 

understanding of biblical 

concepts and values. 

For school-age children, 

Clubhouse magazine brings new 

faith-building articles and 

activities in every issue! Girls 

and boys love the Bible-based 

adventure stories, games and 

brain-teasing puzzles, plus 

articles on kids just like them 

who are serving God in 

inspiring ways! 

Brio speaks to a teen girl 

about all aspects of her life, 

helping her see how to trust 

the Lord, live as he would want, 

and have fun along the way! 

Each issue features articles, 

biographies, Bible reading 

plans, career profiles, DIY 

crafts, relationship advice 

and more. 

Order or renew online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Magazines

FAITH & INSPIRATION / EMOTIONS 

Even fearless kids can feel 

anxiety about something 

BY MANNDI DEBOEF 

ONE SUNDAY after my youngest 

son, Waylan, had said his nightly 

prayers, we talked about the adventure 

we’d just had biking the rocky terrain of 

the northwest hills of Arkansas. This had 

been a first-time experience for him. 

I told Waylan how proud I was of 

him for boldly trying something new. 

His rented bike had been a size too big, 

and he’d taken a couple of spills. But 

he’d always managed to get up, dust 

himself off and hit the trail with more 

gusto than before. 

A surprising answer 

Still thinking about his courage, I asked, 

“Is there anything that scares you?” 

A shadow crossed his face. With a 

slight waver in his voice, Waylan said, 

“I’m afraid of being alone.” 

His answer caught me off guard. 

Even after we talked about it, I 

couldn’t get his words out of my mind. 

When I was a child, my paternal 

grandfather passed away, followed by 

my paternal grandmother less than 

two years later. I became paralyzed 

by the thought that something bad 

would happen to my own parents. As 

an only child, the idea of being left 

alone felt terrifying. 

Waylan’s fear resonated with my fear 

at his age. 

Alone no more 

When my son recently decided to follow 

Jesus, my heart overflowed with joy 

at his decision. His newfound faith also 

made it easier to help Waylan with his 

fear of being alone. Now when we talk, 

I can ask questions such as: 

• Does being a Christian mean everything 

will now go your way? 

• How might knowing Jesus help you 

through hard times? 

• How can dwelling on your fears keep 

you a prisoner to those fears? 

• Why is it important to acknowledge 

your fears—without obsessing over 

them? 

• Why is it helpful to tell Jesus you’re 

scared when fears pop into your mind? 

• What Bible verse can you memorize 

when the fear of being alone nags 

at you? 

As opportunities arise, I tell Waylan 

about fears I’ve had and how Jesus 

helped me through them. I want my 

son to see that God holds His children 

in the palm of His hand, and that He 

will carry us through whatever we face, 

no matter our situation. • 

Manndi DeBoef works at the University of 

Missouri-Kansas City School of Pharmacy 

and as a freelance writer. She writes about 

parenting, single parenthood, miscarriage, loss 

of a loved one and starting over. 

FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA 

36 



Kids & Teens 

knees and praise 

A parenting insight from 

Quinnise Pettway 

PHOTO COURTESY OF THE PETTWAY FAMILY 

THE CONCLUDING portion of 

my family’s nighttime routine includes 

prayer, which we call “knees,” and 

songs of praise and worship. My girls 

were taught from a young age how to 

pray and the importance of prayer. 

Once their baths are done and PJs 

are on, I often excitedly shout, “It’s 

time for knees.” Everyone knows to 

gather bedside in one of my daughters’ 

rooms. Each of us takes turns praying. 

After prayer, we sing three praise and 

worship songs. 

We are all involved in the song selection 

process. We have two little ones, 

so most evenings, each one picks a 

selection, and I choose the third. If the 

song is a call and response song or a 

song with a solo, the girls take pleasure 

in leading. 

We sing whether we feel like it or not. 

We firmly believe in the Scripture that 

reminds us to give thanks in everything. 

Whether the day was rough or the day 

ran smoothly, I want my girls to know 

that God is worthy all the time—and 

our prayers, praise and worship connect 

us directly to our heavenly Father. • 

Quinnise Pettway is a licensed professional 

counselor, blogger and book author. 


KIDS & TEENS / WORLDVIEW 

‘is the truth true 

for everyone?’ 

Teach your kids that God’s 

truths are uncompromising 

BY ELIZABETH URBANOWICZ 

MY NEW CLASS OF THIRD 

GRADE students had just finished 

practicing their weekly memory verse: 

“Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and 

the truth, and the life. No one comes to 

the Father except through me’ ” (John 

14:6). We had a few minutes before the 

bell rang, so I wrote a question on the 

board: “Is the truth true for everyone?” 

I then asked my students to write their 

answers on sticky notes and then post 

them on the board below the question. 

I was sure that after memorizing 

John 14:6 all week, my students would 

answer this question with a resounding 

yes and clear explanation. To my 

shock, more than three-quarters of my 

class had noted, “No, truth is different 

for different people.” 

This must be a mistake, I thought. 

Yet, in the weeks to come, as fall 

turned to winter and I dug deeper into 

their responses, I realized that my 

students were not simply confused. 

These children had subtly absorbed 

the false belief that truth is subjective. 

Relative. I was passionately teaching 

them God’s Word, but their misunderstandings 

left them thinking that 

Jesus was the Way for some people, the 

Truth for some people, and the Life for 

some people. 

I realized I had to be intentional 

about equipping my students to understand 

what biblical truth is, how to 

follow that truth with confidence and 

how to distinguish objective truth from 

personal preferences. 

Defining truth 

When you ask your kids, “What is 

truth?” they may have trouble defining 

it. Some will say something to the 

effect of, “We need to tell the truth.” 

Honesty is certainly important, but 

help your kids dive deeper. 

Philosophers traditionally define 

truth as that which corresponds with 

reality. Yet, that sentence has little 

meaning for a 4-year-old, 8-year-old 

or even a 12-year-old. Instead, simplify 

the definition by saying, “Truth is what 

is real.” Then help your kids by giving 

them phrases that are either true 

or false and pointing out that the true 

phrases demonstrate what is real. 

When working with kids 7 and 

under, I like to turn this into a game. 

FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA 

38 



WORLDVIEW / KIDS & TEENS 

I start by presenting a number of 

sentences that represent what is 

real—statements like: “Saturday is a 

day of the week.” “My mom loves me.” 

“Kittens are a type of animal.” When I 

say these true sentences, I have the 

children jump up, throw their arms in 

the air, and shout, “True!” 

I then mix in a few silly sentences 

that represent what is not real—statements 

like “Blapday is a day of the 

week.” “It is always freezing cold in the 

summer.” “Puppies run on the ceiling.” 

When I say these false sentences, I 

have the kids cross their arms in front 

of their chests and shout, “Not true!” 

This simple and fun activity can help 

even 4-year-olds grasp that truth is 

what is real. 

Knowing and 

following truth 

Once children have a basic understanding 

of truth, the next step is 

helping them understand that both 

knowing and following the truth are 

important. My favorite way to foster 

this understanding is through a treasure 

hunt using prizes such as candy, 

stickers or coins. 

I write out two or three different sets 

of directions for finding the prizes. One 

set of instructions is true, explaining 

where the prizes are hidden. The other 

sets of instructions are false, leading the 

kids to places where there is no prize. 

I begin the treasure hunt by 

announcing that somewhere in the 

room I’ve hidden prizes and have 

written directions for finding them. 

I explain that some of the directions 

are true, and I disclose where the treasure 

is hidden. The other directions, 

however, are not true; they do not lead 

to a prize. I then distribute the various 

instructions and let the kids follow 

them. After the prizes are found, we 

debrief the treasure hunt together. I ask 

questions to help them see the importance 

of knowing and following the 

truth, both in this activity and in life. 

Discerning 

objective truth 

After your children have a working 

definition of truth and understand the 

importance of both knowing and following 

it, the final step is equipping 


C H E C K 

O U T 

T H E 

You can try before 

you buy with a 

LISTEN NOW! 

Tune in to the broadcast as Ruth 

Chou Simons shares biblical truths 

kids need to know. 


2-WeeK 

Free Trial! 

Just $ 9 .99 US per month 

gives kids online access 

to over 900 Adventures in 

Odyssey episodes and 

much more! 

Sign up today at 

AIOClub.org 

them to discern objective truths from 

subjective preferences. 

Objective truths are things that 

remain true no matter what we think, 

feel or believe about them. Subjective 

preferences are individual likes and dislikes 

that differ from person to person. 

For example, I’m not a fan of chocolate. 

My mother, on the other hand, prefers 

chocolate over any other dessert. 

Our subjective preferences are different. 

However, those preferences cannot 

change the objective truth about 

whether a cookie contains chocolate 

chips. My mother’s internal feelings 

cannot magically make chocolate chips 

appear in a cookie. And my preferences 

cannot make chocolate chips disappear. 

Recognizing subjective 

preferences 

Baking cookies together is a great way 

to help illustrate this concept. As we 

pause to enjoy our tasty creations, I ask, 

“What are some preferences about these 

cookies that might change from person 

to person?” After we come up with a list 

of preferences, I ask, “What are some 

truths about these cookies that do not 

change no matter what someone thinks, 

feels or believes about them?” Even 

young children can pick up the difference 

between preferences and truths. 

After I got over my initial shock that 

autumn day in the classroom, I began 

introducing concepts about truth and 

worldview to my students. I was surprised 

to discover just how quickly 

their confusion about truth was 

resolved. By the time the winter snow 

melted, my students had learned to 

think critically about truth, and I know 

it found its way into other areas of their 

lives. By the time we began preparing 

for Easter, my students understood 

that the Good News of Jesus’ resurrection 

isn’t just a subjective preference. 

It’s a vital objective truth—one that’s 

true for everyone. • 

Elizabeth Urbanowicz is the founder of 

Foundation Worldview and develops curricula 

and discipleship resources for kids. 

FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA

FATHERHOOD / KIDS & TEENS 

Greg and his daughter 

Annie about to rappel 

down a 100-foot cliff 

CONQUERING 

THE MOUNTAIN 

My daughter Annie and I 

faced our fears and bonded 

BY DR. GREG SMALLEY 

PHOTOS COURTESY OF GREG SMALLEY; © PAEDII LUCHS / STOCKSY UNITED 

I WATCHED MY 14-YEAR-OLD 

daughter, Annie, start to panic as she climbed 

higher up the mountain cliff. She’d done OK 

at first, but the height eventually became too 

much for her. Annie looked terrified as she 

hung by a rope against the steep rock face. 

My daughter was strapped into rappelling 

gear, and I was positioned under her, also 

clipped to a safety rope. Other people in our 

group were above and below her on the side 

of the cliff. The guides had warned us: Scaling 

the cliff was optional, but once you started 

you had no choice but to continue to the top. 

As Annie began to cry, I tried to empathize 

while also pushing her to move forward. 

“Hon, there’s no choice,” I told her. “You 

have to keep going.” 

What happened that day and how Annie 

handled the situation is something my daughter 

and I will never forget. Here we were in 

the middle of the wilderness, participating in 

an excursion designed for dads and their kids 

to bond. Embarking on this Adventures in 

Fatherhood trip with my youngest child connected 

us in a way I hadn’t anticipated. In fact, 

the entire four-day, three-night hiking and 

camping experience was like bonding on steroids 

(and I’m regretting the fact that some of 

my other children are now too old to share the 

same adventure with me). >>> 


KIDS & TEENS / FATHERHOOD 

Annie standing on an overlook as the group 

hiked to an alpine lake. The damaged tree in the 

background is the result of a forest fire. 

Annie and Greg at their 

campsite posing in 

front of the cliff they 

conquered together. 

Casting our 

cares on God 

For more than 30 years, Summit 

Adventure has been organizing these 

trips in Northern California to help 

dads connect with their kids and grow 

closer to God. After some practice 

hikes with Annie, I was still apprehensive 

about the whole trip. It was a new 

experience for me. 

But the shared adventure was 

already beginning, though I didn’t yet 

realize it. Since Annie was also anxious 

about the trip, we talked about 

1 Peter 5:6-7: “Humble yourselves, 

therefore, under the mighty hand of 

God so that at the proper time he may 

exalt you, casting all your anxieties on 

him, because he cares for you.” Before 

we even set foot in California, we were 

discussing what it means to cast our 

cares on Jesus and trust that He has 

something good in store for us. 

On the first day of the trip, we 

strapped on our 50-pound backpacks, 

and Annie took off hiking at 

top speed. 

“Oh, this isn’t too bad,” she said as she 

trotted a mile straight up the mountain. 

Perhaps our fears were unfounded. 

When we reached our campsite and 

took off those heavy backpacks, it was 

the oddest sensation. I felt like I was 

going to float into the sky. Annie felt 

the same. 

“It feels so light,” she said. 

That sensation made me think about 

our burdens in life and the challenges 

we face, and how they can feel like a 

loaded backpack. When it was just the 

two of us at our campsite, we talked 

about that analogy. 

“What are the burdens that you carry, 

that I carry, and what would it look 

like to help each other and cast those 

burdens on God?” Soon we were discussing 

Matthew 11:28-30 and how 

God can take off our backpacks (burdens) 

and free us (feel light). 

Looking at 

the heavens 

Our deep conversations resumed each 

night as we lay beneath the stars in our 

sleeping bags. It was the perfect setting: 

no TV, no phones, no technology 

to distract us. We were in the middle of 

nowhere, and there were no city lights 

to hinder our view of the stars. As we 

gazed toward the heavens, we spotted 

PHOTOS COURTESY OF GREG SMALLEY; © PAEDII LUCHS / STOCKSY UNITED 

42 



FATHERHOOD / KIDS & TEENS 

Greg reading his blessing letter to 

Annie on their last night of the trip. 

shooting stars and talked about life 

and faith. 

We recalled Psalm 8:3-4: “When I 

look at your heavens, the work of your 

fingers, the moon and the stars, which 

you have set in place, what is man that 

you are mindful of him, and the son of 

man that you care for him?” 

Together we marveled at the 

immensity of creation, realizing how 

insignificant we are in comparison. Yet 

God still knows the number of hairs on 

our head (Luke 12:7). 

Facing challenges together 

So what happened to my daughter 

when she was suspended midway up 

a mountain cliff, panicked and afraid? 

She faced her fears, and I had the privilege 

of being there to encourage her. 

“I’m not going to die. . . . I’m not 

going to die. . . .” she kept telling herself. 

She not only made it to the top of 

that cliff, but she was also able to rappel 

back down. It was an opportunity 

to remember God’s help in her time 

of need. 

Later that night we talked about 

Deuteronomy 31:6: “Be strong and 

courageous. Do not fear or be in dread 

of them, for it is the Lord your God 

who goes with you. He will not leave 

you or forsake you.” Though the words 

were for the Israelite leader Joshua in 

the Old Testament, they encouraged 

Annie and me in our faith journeys. 

I told Annie, “If you could do that, 

you can face anything.” 

“Yeah,” she agreed. “That was a pretty 

big deal, and I did it.” 

A touching moment 

At the end of Adventures in Fatherhood, 

each dad had a chance to speak a 

blessing over his child. Annie’s tears 

showed me that my message touched 

her. Here is part of what I wrote to 

Annie at the close of our adventure: 

I’m so proud of how you overcame your 

fears. I loved seeing your strength and 

courage. Watching you lower yourself 

over the cliffside was so inspirational 

to watch. . . . I love your adventurous 

spirit. I smiled when you asked if we 

could come back next year. • 

Dr. Greg Smalley serves as the vice president 

of Marriage at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. He is 

the author or co-author of more than 20 

books, including 9 Lies That Will Destroy Your 

Marriage: And the truths that will save it and 

set it free and Reconnected: Moving from 

roommates to soulmates in your marriage. 


NEW 

[NEW] 

A special Easter lesson! 

Children who have heard the Easter story many times will love this 

NEW 

fresh and unique lesson that uses the biblical events of Easter to 

help kids understand the Beatitudes. As you gather your kids for a 

daily “picnic with Jesus,” you’ll explore part of the Easter story and 

a relevant beatitude from the Sermon on the Mount. 

Included in this lesson are fun crafts, games and discussions that 

encourage kids to: 

• be meekly obedient 

• show mercy 

• be peacemakers 

• and choose righteousness 

Download the Easter lesson for FREE at 

KidsOfIntegrity.com

MY 

DEVELOPMENT / KIDS & TEENS 

OF LEARNING 

Laurentz’s mind was flourishing even before I recognized it 

BY ELSA KOK COLOPY 

ONE AFTERNOON I went over 

the letter A with my 5-year-old for what 

felt like the 37th time. We moved on to 

the letter B and then returned to A. 

“What letter is this, Laurentz?” I asked. 

He looked at me with big brown eyes. 

No answer. 

“It’s an A, baby.” 

“A!” he said proudly. 

I smiled, but inside I was having a 

minor meltdown. He’s not getting it, 

I thought. Does he have a learning disability? 

Once he starts school in the 

fall, will we need to look into special 

education? 

Laurentz had come to us from Haiti 

six months earlier. He quickly learned 

to speak English but struggled with the 

written word. 

I talked with a friend, and our doctor 

suggested resources for kids who learn 

a little differently. Then I read books 

with my boy until he was pale around 

the gills and I was equally exhausted. 

Over the next few months, I continued 

working with Laurentz. He, on the 

other hand, preferred playing with his 

new sister, Savannah. We’d adopted 

Savannah at birth, and she was two 

years younger than Laurentz. At age 

3, she loved having a big brother and 

already knew the letters of the alphabet. 

That’s not to say they didn’t fight 

passionately and often. But they were 

always quick to patch things up. The 

two became inseparable—playing 

cards, building LEGO houses and imagining 

themselves to be superheroes. 

One afternoon, Laurentz and 

Savannah were working on an alphabet 

puzzle, going over the letters in singsong 

voices. I listened and watched in 

amazement as Laurentz spouted off the 

full ABCs, pointing to each letter in turn. 

“Laurentz, we haven’t even gone over 

some of those yet. How did you learn 

them?” 

“I don’t know. I just know them.” 

The two ran off to tackle another 

adventure. 

Like the spring flowers coming into 

bloom outside our window, Laurentz’s 

brain was growing, and he was learning. 

Sometimes parents get worried or 

frustrated. Sometimes siblings fight as 

often as they play. Sometimes children 

develop at their own pace, and sometimes 

they need help learning a little 

differently—with a sister’s attention. 

And in all the love and chaos, young 

brains and spirits can and do flourish. 

Today Laurentz is in fourth grade and 

reads voraciously. • 

Elsa Kok Colopy is an author and speaker. She 

and her husband, Brian, are parents to eight 

children. 


KIDS & TEENS / MY THRIVING FAMILY 

EASTER 

Joshua, 10, and James, 10 

Headed to Easter sunrise service! 

—Rosalynne from Tennessee 

Kyree, 6 

Wearing her special Easter dress from 

grandma. 

—Lydia from Colorado 

Charlie, 9 months 

Our baby girl enjoys the Easter daffodils. 

—Becky from California 

Bella, 6, Kate, 3, and Gracie, 8 

Our girls are all dressed up and 

ready for Easter Sunday service! 

—Sarah from Ohio 

Your kids could be in <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family magazine! 

Email photos* of your child holding an Easter basket or your child 

playing an instrument. (Put “Easter Basket” or “Musical Instrument” in 

the subject line.) 

Send to: info@fotf.ca 

* Largest photo possible—professional photos not accepted 

46 



mom 

new 

& daughter 

devotional 

Enjoy precious time with your daughter as you explore 

God’s Word together! This creative and interactive 40-week 

devotional provides a sweet space for moms and daughters 

ages 6 to 10 to reflect together on women of the Bible who 

loved the Lord. Connecting through stories, discussions, 

prayers and fun activities, you’ll be inspired to develop hearts 

of strength, courage and love as you’re pointed to Jesus. 

Order online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or call 1.800.661.9800

Shop with confidence 

at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family Canada 

Today there are many ways to shop for 

faith‐building resources for your family. And 

yet, when you consider purchasing an item, 

the same questions resurface: 

Is the author offering a biblically based perspective? 

Would a counsellor consider it sound advice? 

Will the content engage your kids? 

When you shop at <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family 

Canada, you can be sure about the resources 

we’re offering. 

We stand behind the items we sell, because 

they have been approved by <strong>Focus</strong> on the 

Family staff for excellent content that's in line 

with God's Word. 

Shop online at Shop.<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca or shop by phone at 1.800.661.9800

Focus on the Family Magazine - April/May 2022

Create successful ePaper yourself

Delete template?

Save as template?