Kahilom: Ang Pagbati sa Huling Sandali
Nawa'y maghilom na ang sakit na nararamdaman. Isang katahimikan pagkatapos ng ingay, makakamit na nga ba ang kapayapaan? Inihahandog ng Lagablab at Penthouse ang akdang, 'Kahilom: Ang Pagbati sa Huling Sandali'.
Nawa'y maghilom na ang sakit na nararamdaman. Isang katahimikan pagkatapos ng ingay, makakamit na nga ba ang kapayapaan?
Inihahandog ng Lagablab at Penthouse ang akdang, 'Kahilom: Ang Pagbati sa Huling Sandali'.
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LAGABLAB
PENTHOUSE
Instead of hearts, we shall celebrate spades; to bury all
our pain and anger in a grave. Kahilom is a folio that
compiles all the broken little hearts that are still
trying to patch themselves up, the calm and quiet after
the storm has passed, not unlike the emptiness of a
battlefield after the war is over. The silence was worse
than the noise, it meant that the one thing that helped
you survive and thrive had suddenly disappeared and you
had been left alone in the dust to pick up the mess left
behind. Whether you are a cracked mirror or just
reflecting sorrow, anger, or any other negative emotion–
either one of those two or more–this would still be a
good read.
To those burdened by shovels instead of love, this is for
you, from the writers who stand by your side with a spade
of their own.
Miya Atsumu @1STSUMIYA
Editor-in-Chief
LAGABLAB
February has always been known as the month of love,
and it’s something that a lot of people celebrate. But
loving also comes with the not so beautiful sides. I have
always read and heard that in loving, there is an
inevitable pain that follows. There are not so beautiful
experiences and heartbreaks, and it is not always bright
and beautiful—and that’s okay, that’s part of it. It is
essential to release all of our feelings—the good and
the bad—in order to fully heal and be able to let go of
our baggage and continue to move forward. And with
healing, we find ourselves, we get to know more things
about ourselves, and after saying goodbye to all the
heartbreaks that we’ve been through, it is important for
each individual to learn how to love themselves because
how others love us will always be how we allow them to,
and I’ve always thought that the best way to teach others
how to love us is by loving ourselves first and foremost.
Kahilom is a compilation of the release of emotions and is
an important step in healing. It is a collaboration
between Lagablab and Penthouse in relation to
Penthouse’s Anti Valentines Prom, which was an event that
has helped our guests to release the emotions that they
have been carrying and to remember that the past will
never define us as people, as well as our ability to love
and be loved. May everyone who read this folio find
solace and companionship in their journey to healing, and
may they always remember that they are not alone as
they battle through their unsaid emotions.
Enigma Suna
CEO, The Penthouse
1
2
3
4
6
8
10
14
26
38
39
ala-ala
key
Lost
Night
Starving
o. tooru
TUmatangis na langit
night
letter to myself
ruwikawa
Paghintay,pagbitaw
Nikko
Sa paborito nating pwesto
Pundidong bituin
star crossed lovers
anonymous
seasons change, so do we (tw // cheating
cheesekeiks
cry of agony
night
my lilac
ruwikawa
40
41
42
46
50
58
62
64
iba
likhang6ining
ang kwentong nagsimula
ngunit hindi nagtapos
Night
kalawakan
nikko
mundo
nikko
isn't love supposed to be a
beautiful feeling?
(tw // mention of death, demon, hell)
anonymous
pahimakas
lorenzo oikawa
anonymous
sl
LAGABLAB
PENTHOUSE
KEY
At sa pagbagsak ng mga luha,
Tila alaala’y nagparamdam muli.
Mga luhang isinayang,
Para sa taong ika’y sinaktan.
Mga pangakong napako,
Mga ngiting napalitan ng lungkot.
Mga masasayang araw,
Napalitan lahat ng puot.
Tila katahimikan ay sumagip,
Sa isipan na puno ng dalamhati.
Mga alaalang umaasa s’yang magbabalik,
Ngunit alam n’yang hindi na maaari.
kAHILOM | 01
NIGHT
As I close my eyes, I don't want to see you leave.
Please hold me tight,
don't set me free.
I’m drowning in your cold blue eyes,
as deep as an ocean.
I want to be your diamond yet my heart screams
fragileness.
02 | KAHILOM
O. TOORU
Her lips were dry,
It's never tasted
the sweetest words.
Her heart is empty,
She never happens
to love someone dearly.
Her body is craving,
To be touched, to be loved,
To be appreciated,
For who she is.
kAHILOM | 03
Kasabay nang pagpatak ng ulan ay ang pagtulo rin
ng aking luha. Marahil ay dinadamayan ako ng langit
sa pighating nadarama.
ilang buwan na ba simula nang ika'y lumisan? Tila
nakakulong pa rin ako sa multo ng nakaraan sa
bawat araw na lumilipas. Pilit na kinakalimutan ang
lahat ng problema ngunit isa lang ang hindi ko
malilimutan: ang sakit na dinanas nang ako'y iniwan.
Tila nakaukit na sa puso't isipan ang sakit at kahit
anong gawin ko, hindi siya mawala-wala.
ikaw ba, kumusta ka na? Umiiyak ka rin ba sa tuwing
bumubuhos ang ulan? Nararamdaman mo rin ba ang
sakit at pighati sa bawat patak ng ulan? Bakit kahit
ilang buwan na lumipas, tila ako lang ang
nagdurusa? Bakit ako lang ang tumatangis sa bawat
pag-iyak ng langit?
04 | KAHILOM
NIGHT
Kailan ba makakawala sa bangungot ng nakaraan na
pilit akong ikinukulong upang hindi makatakas?
Pagod na pagod na ako sa bawat segundong
lumilipas, baka naman may mabilis na paraan para
makalimot? Ang hirap kasi na parang nalulunod ako
sa gitna ng kadiliman. Hindi makaalis kahit na anong
gawin at sa wari ko'y wala nang daan palabas sa
pagdurusang ito. Hanggang kailan ba ako
magdurusa?
Ang hiling ko lamang na sana sa huling patak ng
ulan ay mahanap ko na ang inaasam na kapayapaan.
Sana’y matanaw ko na rin ang bahaghari at
makalimutan ang nangyari.
kAHILOM | 05
Dear self,
Stop breaking your own heart.
Finding a love that understands you for who you
are: strengths and short-comings, beauty and
unpleasantries, victories and failures, sometimes
does not come around. You may have convinced
yourself that you are far better being alone but
there will be times that the silence would be too
loud that it will force you to do stupid decisions,
kissing a stranger, sleeping with someone else,
telling yourself that its love (finally) only to
wake up the next day and feel this sinking feeling in
your stomach. Why do you hate yourself so much
that you could not even stand your own company?
The thoughts are unbearable, and the loneliness
feels like it's scratching at your throat, making
you scream for help in a form of empty I love you’s
and yes I am interested.
06 | KAHILOM
ruwikawa
This will not make sense but soon you will heal
from everything that broke you. However, this
does not entail that you will no longer get hurt,
that is just impossible. But by that time, you will
be much stronger and resilient compared to what
you are now. Learn to be lenient and kind with
yourself as well, because it may not seem like it,
but you’re doing everything that you can.
Healing is not linear.
Self-love is learned gradually.
Relapses are normal.
Feeling your emotions is a must.
You will get the hang of it soon.
Sincerely,
the person you used to be
kAHILOM | 07
Sa mundong nakakapagod, saan na nakatuon ang mga mata mo?
Sa sarili mo ba na napapagod na, o sa mga problemang
nararanasan mo?
Dito ka muna, tabihan mo ‘ko.
Pag-usapan natin ang mga bagay-bagay, sabay hintay, at
huminahon.
Hayaan munang patilain ang ulan, at tayo muna’y
magkwentuhan.
Kumusta ang buhay? Kumusta ka naman, bagong kaibigan?
Masyado na bang nakakasakal ang iyong mga pinagdadaanan?
Napapagod ka na ba sa paulit-ulit na karanasan sa ating buhay?
“Ayun, naghihintay. Baka kasi ako naman yung piliin niya ngayon.
Alam mo na, nagbabakasakali lang, pero sana naman. Sana.”
Ah.
Pagod ka na bang… Maghintay?
Minsan kasi, hinihintay nalang natin ang mga bagay-bagay.
Hindi man tayo sigurado kung mangyayari, basta tayo’y
naghihintay.
Pero minsan na bang sumagi sa isip mo na baka sayang lang ang
iyong paghihintay?
Na baka pinaglaruan ka lang ng buhay?
08 | KAHILOM
NIKKO
Na baka pinapagod ka lang nito hanggang sa ika’y mahimlay?
Kaibigan, hindi ko naman sinasabing masama ang maghintay.
Sa totoo nga, humahanga ako sa’yo dahil nakakaya mong gawin
ang mga ganiyang bagay.
Pero hindi ka ba naaawa sa sarili mo?
Sa sarili mong para bang araw-araw nalang mukhang walang
tulog?
Sa sarili mong pagod na maghintay pero hindi parin
humihinto?
Sa sarili mong nakatingin nalang sa kawalan dahil hindi naman
nagbunga ang paghihintay mo?
Ayos lang maghintay, ayos lang mag-abang.
Basta sa dulo, alam mong magkakaroon ito ng bunga.
Sa mundong puno ng mga bigong pangako, ‘wag kang
magpapadala, ‘wag magpapaapekto.
Mga salitang hindi kayang panghawakan, ‘wag na sana bitawan.
Para sa’yo kaibigan, kung pagod na.
Kung ayaw na,
Kung alam mong tama na.
Bumitaw ka na, ha?
Ayun lang naman, alis na muna ako.
Narito na kasi ang sundo ko.
Sino siya, tanong mo?
Siya yung taong hinihintay mo, kasama ang taong nililigawan
niya ngayon.
kAHILOM | 09
Nagsimula ang ating kwento
Sa paborito nating puwesto.
Naaalala mo pa ba ang lahat, mahal ko?
Ang lugar kung saan ko nakuha ang matamis mong
"oo".
Kung saan mo unang sinabi ang salitang "mahal
kita."
Kung saan namamalagi lahat ng masasayang alaala
na ating binuo nang magkasama.
Oo, alaala. Alaala na lang ang natira.
Isang taon na rin pala.
Nang ika'y tumalikod at bumitaw sa ating mga
pangako.
Dito rin sa dating puwesto; na minsan mong naging
paborito.
Kung saan nagtapos ang ikaw at ako.
Kung saan ko narinig mula sa'yo ang salitang "suko
na 'ko."
Kung saan nagsimulang gumuho ang aking mundo.
Na ang dating masasayang ngiti na laging nakapaskil
sa aking labi,
Ay naglaho at napalitan ng hikbi tuwing hating
gabi.
10 | KAHILOM
Heto na naman.
Nakakabaliw at nakakabingi ang ingay ng
katahimikan.
Sumisigaw ang damdamin sa mapait na katotohanan
na hindi ka na muling mahahagkan.
Pintig ng puso'y nagnanais kumawala sa sakit
At paulit-ulit na naglalaro sa isip ang tanong na
bakit?
Bakit hindi naging tapat? Bakit hindi ako naging
sapat?
Ano nga ba ang dapat kong gawin? Maari mo bang
sabihin sa akin?
Araw-araw na bumabagabag sa isip
Nagbabakasaling baka p'wede kang bumalik Kahit
sandali, para yakapin ako ng mahigpit.
At sabihin na mahal mo pa ako, kahit hindi na
totoo.
Pero…
Alam ko namang wala na akong magagawa.
Kahit na ako pa ay lumuhod at magmakaawa.
kAHILOM | 11
Dahil kahit anong gawin ko,
Alam ko, na wala na sa akin ang iyong atensyon.
At alam ko rin matagal mo na akong ibinaon at
nilimot sa alaala ng kahapon.
Kaya huwag kang mag-alala.
Dahil mayroon na akong lakas ng loob para umahon
at lumaban sa malalakas na hampas ng alon
Na tumatangay sa akin pabalik sa kahapon.
Mahal ko, bago ko tuluyang isara ang ating kwento,
Nais ko lang na malaman mo, na sa mga oras na 'to,
Hindi nagbago ang pagtingin ko sa'yo.
Mahal pa rin kita. Kahit may mahal ka nang iba.
At kahit ano pang sabihin nila,
Masaya ako para sa'yo.
Totoo at walang halong biro.
Na kahit hindi na ako, basta itrato ka niya na parang
isang reyna.
Pakaingatan at dalhin ka sa minsan ko ring
ipinangakong paraiso,
Magiging panatag na ang loob ko.
Kahit masakit isipin, basta para sa kasiyahan mo.
12 | KAHILOM
pundidong bituin
Muli, hanggang dito na lang, mahal ko.
Patawad kung sisimulan ko nang lumakad palayo
Kasabay ng paghilom ng aking puso.
Dadalhin ko na lamang ang aral na napulot sa
ating kwento.
Salamat at paalam na, mahal ko.
Iiwan ko na ang lahat dito,
Sa paborito nating puwesto.
kAHILOM | 13
Here is a story about how two people love each
other so much and eventually learned what people
meant by true love is not about being their future,
sometimes it's about being in their past, looking at
their present from afar and wishing them a better
future. For they are not meant to be together. It
makes them wonder if people always fall in love
with things they can’t have. Nothing hurts more
than knowing exactly from the beginning what they
can never become, and yet with persistent hearts—
they battled against their own fate that ended up
in a terrible loss. After all, who are they to go
against God's will?
The least they can do is to hold on to the bits of
their memories together from the past whilst
holding the hands of another, the ones that hold
the end of their own red string of fate. They might
curse the heavens for not giving them a future
where they are together, but they’re grateful for
what they had in the past.
14 | KAHILOM
Some things are better left unsaid, hidden
between heavy hearts and clouded minds. Kept
away from the world, from a certain someone,
from everyone around them. In here, lies the
unspoken words that they never had the courage
to let out. Their love is written on fine paper
with all their promises embossed, where their
words serve as an ink, fading as time passes by. In
the end, all their promises are just simple words
written in their book of life, and what happens in
the future is something beyond their control.
“When I look at you, I see my future.”
Promises are made to be broken, right? He sees it
as this: Promises are made because we know we're
supposed to fulfill them but then, we'll
apologize because in the end, we all got those
hopeful dreams that a promise will make up for
our impossible wishes.
kAHILOM | 15
One cliché line that everyone can relate to.
She’s the love of my life.
She's full of life, full of joy, full of hope, full
of love. Whenever he looked at her, his silly mind
could imagine the future he wanted with her. It’s
just him and his woman, being happy together.
That’s all that matters, right? As long as they
love each other, there will never be a reason to
break up.
He has it all planned. Everything she says, every
detail, every dream she wants to fulfill for their
future.
He never knew perfection until he felt it. It's not
about a perfect life. But with who makes his life
perfect just the way it is..with the woman he
adores.
“It will always be you, now and forever.”
16 | KAHILOM
Even when she’s lying in the arms of another, in
the arms of her other half— the man who holds
the end of her red string of fate; the one destined
to be her future, she can’t help but think of him.
She remembers his sweet smile, the adorable
dimple on his soft cheeks. The way the corner of
his eyes crinkle everytime he smiles, showing off
his pearly white teeth. The way his huge hands fit
perfectly in hers smaller ones.
Call her cruel for doing this, but who are you to
blame her? When fate is the one doing all of this
to her. Giving them a chance to meet and to fall in
love before ripping them away from each other as
their futures are not tangled together.
Maybe they’re both just long parallel lines, the
ones that are always close to each other but
never together. You’re always so close, yet so
far.
kAHILOM | 17
But her heart is completely under her control.
With all the little bits of her shattered heart she
has left, she will continue loving him with every
single one of them. Her future does not belong to
him, but her heart will always be his.
“I won’t let go, no matter how hard it is.”
Maybe they weren’t right for each other. Where did
it go wrong? Along the way of their smooth
journey, they slowly fell apart.
Those nights filled with love were long gone. The
days he held on her tight were like a dream. He
loved her with all his broken pieces until his own
heart gave up. Those laughters turned into silent
whimpers of agony. The pain was too heavy for him
to function well again.
“Maybe we’re better off this way.” were the last
words of the letter she left before she vanished.
18 | KAHILOM
Utterly speechless, pearl beads of tears formed
on his eyes until his vision went blurry; letting it
freely run down to his cheeks. He's still frozen in
the place with the last memories of the woman he
thought he could spend his lifetime with. Holding
on tight on the velvet box— as tight as how much
he holds on to her.
You said I'm always your love. You promised me
our own version of forever. If this is the forever
you promised, why does it have to be painful?
If he’ll chase her, would she come back or hurt
him more?
“I will never leave you. I will never give up on us.”
It amazes her how easily she left, despite telling
him multiple times that she will never give up on
their relationship. But honestly, It’s the best
decision for both of them. They already knew
what’s going to happen in the future since the
first time we met. Truthfully speaking, they both
saw this coming.
kAHILOM | 19
She spent countless nights crying over the same
decision, sobbing and muffling her screams into her
pillow, clenching her chest in pain. She acts strong
in front of other people but only the moon and
her pillow know the truth behind her smile, how
broken she actually is.
Leaving him wasn’t the easiest decision, but
watching him trying to push away his real soulmate
just because she has his heart hurts more than
anything. It makes her feel like she is ruining his
life with her bare hands, by trying to separate him
from his own soulmate, his future happiness.
“God, if I am really not his future, please let him
be happy. Lord, I am begging.” she begged with tears
streaming down her face every single night.
Begging to the God that she begins to hate since
the day she realized fate didn’t bring them
together. But here she is, helplessly begging for
his happiness, wishing upon all the shooting stars.
“I'll forget her. I'll move on and find someone
better than her.”
20 | KAHILOM
Lies.
Those words were the ones he promised to himself,
months and years after he last saw her.
But nothing changes. Love doesn’t go away for
him. Memories and feelings stay, but not the
person.
How can he forget? How can he forget her when
the moment he holds a pen, his hands
automatically write her name. How can he forget
her when he reminds her of a peaceful summer
night? How can he forget her when her smell still
lingers on his nose after all these years? How can
he erase her existence in his life when she’s the
one he longs for?
If loving someone is as painful as this, he wanted
to curse the Deities for not letting two hearts
end up with each other. He never prayed before,
but once he met her, he learned to humble
himself. Praying, changing himself entirely for
the woman he dearly loved.
kAHILOM | 21
But why must fate do horrible things to people
who genuinely love each other? Why can’t they be
together?
Two celestial bodies trapped in human form
colliding is the most destructive thing ever,
meeting, loving each other, promising futures but
ends up being each one’s tragic past.
“I always want the best for you.”
Even if that means sacrificing my own happiness
for the sake of yours.
More than anything, she is scared of getting in the
way of his happiness. She knows that she was meant
to be a passerby in his life, not the one who stays.
Fate didn’t want them to be together, and going
against it will bring nothing but misfortune. As
much as she loves him, seeing him ruining his own
future for the sake of being together with her
hurts more than anything.
22 | KAHILOM
She doesn’t mind being the villain, the one who
‘fell out of love first’, the one who walked away,
the one who left, the one who did nothing but take
as the other person keeps giving and giving, the
toxic one. She doesn’t mind being called any of it,
as long as he will find his own happiness.
No one ever asked her why she left without saying
anything— without any proper farewell or
explanation, only leaving behind a single letter.
Everyone just starts assuming that she ran away
after playing with his heart, after getting bored
of messing around with him as per what’s written
in her letter.
But no one will know that she had to rewrite her
letter multiple times, just because she got them
wet with her tears. No one will know the
sufferings she went through, just because she
decided to make this huge decision alone.
kAHILOM | 23
“Anything for your happiness, my love.” she
whispered one last time, leaning her head on the
door of their shared apartment, placing a soft kiss
on it before dragging her suitcase and walking
away.
Forever hers. But she’s not forever his.
But the numbered days they spent together is
enough to be grateful for. It wasn’t clear to both
of them why it had to end the worst way possible,
or if their connection wasn’t strong enough. They
have lots of what ifs on their minds, every
question they want to answer.
Because of love, they learned how to compromise,
they learned to love each other on the days they
hate themselves. Each one makes the other realize
that they’re worthy of love. Maybe they are meant
to be together, but not forever.
24 | KAHILOM
ANONYMOUS
The universe must be angry, they want to defy its
fate— their own fate. They must’ve broken a rule
for lovers— wanting to be together when they’re
not supposed and meant to. All the Deities can give
is a forever within numbered days. Their red
string of fate is connected to other people, they
are bound to meet along the way, bound to meet in
between, but never the chance to be each one’s
ending.
What a shameful tragedy for their stars fails to
align along with their feelings. They were starcrossed
lovers.
Fin.
kAHILOM | 25
TW // CHEATING
In the entirety of a person’s lifetime, spanning
from the moment one opens their eyes until they
breathed their last, there are a significant number
of events that affect their life – that brings them
lessons. For most people, it would be their
weddings, or the day they graduated college, or
the day they got accepted to their job. But for me?
It happened one day in Autumn, one day in Winter,
and one day in Spring.
Out of all the seasons we experience throughout
the year, when I was a kid, I used to love Autumn.
Autumn was everything to me, and I mean
everything.When that season comes, I’d always go
out to take a stroll around the park and just bask
in the falling red-orange leaves. But ever since
that time, I no longer look forward to Autumn.
We met in Autumn. I was in the book shop, idly
passing my time by scrolling through books and
looking out for customers – it was a slow day.
26 | KAHILOM
And then a man rushed in front of me, panting and
asking whether we have a certain fantasy book by
a certain author. I mulled for a bit before
pointing him towards the back row, shelf number
12. He hastily went that way, only coming back a
few minutes later – his face visibly relaxed.
“I didn’t peg you for the fantasy type,” I said, a
poor attempt at a conversation.
“Oh, uhm, no,” he replied. ”This is a gift for my
niece. She loves reading.”
I responded with a hum, busy checking the book
out and carefully wrapping it.
“Do you just… know every book?” He asked, which
made me stop what I was doing and gave him a
funny look, to which he responded with a cheeky
grin. “It’s just, I thought you would be like
looking it up on the computer before telling me
where it is.”
I let out a light laugh, amused at his confusion
and ignorance.
kAHILOM | 27
TW // CHEATING
I handed him the carefully wrapped book and
replied, “It just so happens that I love that book.
Free advice, buy her what she asks – and that’ll be
a set of fairy wings and wand.”
He left with a puzzled look on his face, making him
somewhat adorable.
A week passed by and he came in again. He looked
around the shelves, taking out two books, found an
empty seat, and started reading. Whenever I do my
rounds and place new books on shelves, he would
sit rigidly and awkwardly say hi. I replied and
moved away, not bothering to initiate a
conversation.
Days passed by like this. He would come in to read,
sometimes buy a book or two, and he would leave.
Until one day, he came up to me and asked what I
thought of a book he just finished reading.
“Boring. The plot is a mess. The characters aren’t
3-dimensional. The guy is too idiotic and has a
ridiculous plot armor that doesn’t make sense.
Lucky I didn’t burn it when I was halfway reading.”
28 | KAHILOM
Seeing him stunned, I retorted with my own
question. “What, you love that book? The girl is
insane for agreeing to marry the man that
manipulated her entire family!”
Shocked at my outburst, he had to stifle a laugh
before clearing his throat. “Then, how about me
asking you out? On a date. What are your
thoughts?”
It was my turn to be stunned. This guy is too
direct! But.. I guessed there wasn’t any harm, “I’m
not against it. But you don’t even know my name.”
A smile burst on his face. “Great! I’ll see you
tomorrow at 6,” he said, sliding the book with a
piece of paper stuck in between its pages. Long
after he left, I turned it over and saw what was
written. It was his name, his number, and a note.
Jay
+00000000000
I’m happy you agreed, Miss Summer. Wear semiformal,
I’ll pick you up before you close the
shop. – your Engineer.
kAHILOM | 29
TW // CHEATING
We went on dates for weeks. Sometimes eating out,
sometimes watching a movie, sometimes staying in
the book shop.
We officially started dating in the last week of
Autumn. He invited me for dinner at his family’s
place and introduced me to everyone. I was so
happy.
We started falling apart in the middle of Winter. As
the days grew colder, your attitude towards me
was the same. We started hanging out less and less.
You said you were busy with work, that socializing
with your clients is a must.
You started having more and more out of town
business trips. I had to text your colleagues asking
where you are because you rarely ever text back.
When you’re home, we never talk about the
elephant in the room. We would always get intimate
first, missing each other’s bodies, warming each
other up. During dinner, we always talk about the
trivial things – from the funny sights you saw
during your trip to the little kid who asked me if I
can teach him to read.
30 | KAHILOM
It only dawned on me one day. You were home for
the first time in two weeks. Snow was raining
heavily so you decided to soak in the bath for a
while, leaving your phone by the dresser. We
didn’t think of it as a big deal, going through each
other’s phones, as there is no need for us to hide
secrets.
I remembered that you mentioned a photo of you
and your friends on the trip, posing with an
alligator. So I checked the photos app. None.
Oh, it’s probably still in your group chat, I
thought. Maybe you haven’t saved it on your
phone yet.
I opened the chats. I should’ve been happy and
laughing at your face. Instead, I felt dread.
John: What? Hold up, did you just say you hate
your girl? Summer’s a great gal, why???
Jack: Lmao you probably don’t know but Jay here
is seeing another beauty. I think her name was
Kate?
John: FUCK?? BRO, FR???
kAHILOM | 31
TW // CHEATING
You: John. Can you chill? I’m starting to hate her
more already lol.
Jack: Yeah John, haven’t you seen the new girl?
She’s a model!!
John: Fuck, I don’t care if she’s a model or Kim K.
You’re literally cheating on her.
You: Nah, you don’t understand. I missed having the
feeling of, y’know, freedom. But she’s useful so I
still keep her around.
Enough. I saw enough.
I waited for you to finish bathing while I took deep
breaths. When you waltzed into the kitchen and
moved to kiss me, I dodged. I don’t want to be
touched by you. I CAN’T be touched by you.
“Woah, what’s got you into a bad mood?”
You. It’s because of you.
I cleared my throat and looked straight into his
eyes. “So, how’s Kate? Wouldn’t she be lonely?”
32 | KAHILOM
I thought you’d be mad. I thought you’d even fake
it, asking who she is. I wasn’t prepared for what
you said next.
“Huh. So you knew? Who ratted me out?”
“Are you fucking kidding me? You cheated on me,
the lowest of the low, and you asked who told me
behind your back? Are you insane?” I screamed. It
was the first time I raised my voice at you.
You were shocked, but that shock quickly turned
into anger. “Fuck, you’re the one who’s insane! I
can’t believe I put up with you. You really can’t
compare with Kate.”
“I can’t believe you would even do that. Did you
just approach me for the thrill? Did you just
want to taste something new? Did you lower your
standards so you could date me? Did you even love
me? Were you even sincere???” I screamed, tears
already falling down.
I expected you would apologize and hug me. You
would always hold my hand and hug me tight
whenever I cried.
kAHILOM | 33
TW // CHEATING
But you didn’t.
You just scoffed a ‘pathetic’ and walked away,
loudly closing the door when you walked out. And I
was left all alone, sobbing on the floor,
wondering and questioning myself.
Winter never felt this cold. Not since you came.
We bid goodbyes in Spring.
The next day, I went to work, fully expecting that
what happened was just a hallucination – a dream.
Who knew that false hope would be shattered when
I got home. Your clothes, your belongings, your
silly toys – they’re all gone.
For the first time that day, I broke down. I was
miserable. I only got to rest for a bit when I cried
myself to sleep. When I woke up, I’d cry again some
more.
34 | KAHILOM
I declined invitations from friends and family to
come over and celebrate the holidays with them. I
only sent messages saying that we broke up and
that I’d be working or traveling and not to worry
about me.
It’s always been like this, I guess. I was always
used to bottling it up and not telling anyone. He
was the first person I trusted to the extent.
At the start of Spring, I left work and traveled
aimlessly. They always say that seeing this from a
fresh perspective is good and calming.
And I wrote down every trip in my journal, as a
form of therapy. It makes me feel more grounded.
My last destination for this trip before
returning home is the Tulip Gardens in Amsterdam.
We both had a fascination for this place, after
you heard me say that a lore from one of the
books you read was based off of this place. And I
figured, I should leave all the anguish and all the
memories related to you in this place.
kAHILOM | 35
TW // CHEATING
I never thought I’d see you there. Was it Destiny
playing a trick on us?
I cautiously stood to one side, admiring the
flowers but glancing furtively at you. When I
decided I should just get out of here, you slowly
made your way towards me.
“Hello, Summer.”
I responded with a meek, “Hello.”
I thought you had something important to say,
seeing as how your fingers kept tapping your
elbow – a nervous habit you always had.
In the end, all you said was “I’m sorry.”
Sorry? Sorry for what? For cheating on me? Sorry
that I had to find out? Sorry that you wasted your
time with me? Sorry that you played me? Sorry
that I had to be gullible enough so I was fooled?
What were you apologizing for?
36 | KAHILOM
CHEESEKEIKS
I hope, when the time comes, you’d face me again
and properly apologize – admitting the things you
did and apologize for that.
I hope that one day, I'll be brave enough.
I hope that I’ll never get to experience that.
I hope nobody will ever go through something like
that.
I hope that I’ll someday heal.
I hope that I’ll someday stop questioning my
worth.
I hope that someday, I’ll find the love that I
deserve.
I hope.
This Spring, I am hoping.
And as the sun sets, our strings that were once
entangled, finally unraveled.
kAHILOM | 37
NIGHT
In the middle of the night,
Staring at the moonlight
I wish upon the stars
To heal these aching scars I'm drowning with my
thoughts, I didn't know that I'd lose myself. While
closing all the doors, the darkness invaded my
soul and I'm slowly losing control; Screaming in
agony,
as the pain enveloped my body crawling to reach
the end but all I ever saw was a dead end.
38 | KAHILOM
RUWIKAWA
In a field of loud yellows, he will always be a
calm lilac that smells a lot like home. His soft
laughter ringing in my ears for days to come, and
his arms that welcome me back as he asks me how
my day has been. At first it scared me because I’d
seen this film before and it did not play out as I
was expecting. That privacy sworn between us
turned into secrecy, that person hid me from the
rest of the world; but with him it never felt that
way. His love is not loud but it’s there assuring me
everyday that I have nothing to worry about
because his eyes is set on me. He may not be my
yellow, but he is my lilac. and in my heart, lilac is
what home looks like.
kAHILOM | 39
likhang6ining
sa bawat salita, lamig ng gabi mas nadarama.
nais mo na bang bumitaw?
sa atin ba’y ikaw ay aayaw?
nararamdaman ang lamig ng gabi
ngayong wala ka na sa aking tabi.
nagsawa ka na ba?
mga galaw mo sadyang nag-iba.
ako’y nagtataka’t nangangamba;
puso mo ba may minamahal ng iba?
pilit na iniisip kung saan posibleng nagkulang–
nagkulang nga ba o sadyang ‘di ka lang
nakuntento?
buong puso’y nagbabakasakali
na ika’y sa akin manatili
ngunit ‘di na ata ito mangyayari,
kung ang puso mo’y iba na ang nagmamay-ari.
40 | KAHILOM
night
sa bawat paglipas ng araw, hinihiling ko na sana'y
mapawi na rin ang sakit na nadarama. gusto ko nang
kalimutan ang mga alaalang nagdulot ng sakit—
ngunit bakit hindi ko magawa?
nakatatak pa rin sa isipan ko lahat ng pangako
mong bigla na lamang napako. nakakatawang isipin
na hanggang ngayon ay umaasa pa rin ako—umaasa
na sana matuloy natin isulat muli ang kwentong
ito.
subalit alam ko namang tila suntok sa buwan na
mangyari pa ito.
ang paglisan mo kasi ay katulad ng paborito kong
pluma na nawalan ng tinta; tuluyan nang nawala
bago pa maisulat ang susunod na kabanata.
kAHILOM | 41
Halika na sa ilalim ng kalawakan,
Sabay tayong tumingin sa mga tala't buwan.
Alalahanin natin muli ang simula
Ang simulang kung saan ang minsang tig-isa,
pinagsama na.
Sa unang kabanata, tayo'y nagkakilala.
Simpleng batian at kumustahan lang ang ating
naging usapan.
Ang "sige, bukas ulit" na sinasabi natin tuwing
nagkakasabay tayo ng uwi
Ay ang minsan ko na ding inabangan kapag ako'y nais
na umuwi.
Sa pangalawang kabanata, tayo'y mas nagkakilala.
Hindi na lang pangalan at pag-hatid ang ating
naging sistema.
May libre na ring pishbol at kwek kwek sa gilid,
Meron na ring mga kwentuhan na talagang
nakakatawa at minsa'y nakakainis din
42 | KAHILOM
Ang saya ng pagsasama ng dalawa, tila hindi na
maibalewala
Para bang ang kasiyahan ng araw at ang pagkamalumanay
ng buwan ay nagsama, dala ng ating
pagkakakilala.
Sa ikatlong kabanata, nakaramdam ako ng liyab.
Hindi ko alam kung saan nagmula, pero sa panahong
iyon ko lang ito dinamdam.
Hinayaan ko lang ang apoy ng nararamdaman ko,
Alam ko namang mawawala ito pagdating ng
panahon.
Pero biro lang pala, tumindi ito sa ikaapat na
kabanata.
Sa kwentong ito naman, hindi na ako ang naging
bida.
kAHILOM | 43
Simoy ng hangin na kay lamig sa katawan,
Patuloy kong nararamdaman habang tinititigan ko
lang kayong dalawa.
Ang minsang ako at ikaw lang, nawala na dahil
mayroon siya.
Oo, siya.
Siya na nagpapatawa ka sa kung paano ko din
nagawa noong una.
Siya na napapadama sa'yo ang pagkawala ng pagod
mo, kung paano ko din nagawa noong una.
Siya na nagbibigay ng malalambing na ngiti na kaya
ko din sana magawa,
Kaya sana kung ang liwanag ng mga mata mo'y nasa
akin pa.
Sa tuwing pagkinang ng mga mata mo habang
nakatingin ka sa kanya,
Ang nararamdaman kong lungkot ay bumabalot sa
aking katawan.
Luha na nagbabadyang bumagsak, pinipigilan.
Tunog ng pusong nawawasak, pinapakinggan.
44 | KAHILOM
nikko
Sa huling kabanata, hindi ko na maiwasan ang
lumuha.
Dahil sa kwentong ito, niyaya mo siyang tumingin sa
mga buwan at tala.
Sa kung paano kita una nakilala,
Ay ganoon mo siya mas kinilala.
Sa muli kong pagtingala, ikaw lang ang aking
naaalala.
Ang iyong mga matang kay sarap titigan,
Ang iyong mga ngiting na talagang nakakakilig
tignan,
Ang iyong yakap na mas masarap pa sa yakap ko sa
unan,
At ang iyong halik na hindi ko man lang
mararanasan.
Hindi ko na mararanasan dahil sa ilalim ng
kalawakan,
Natagpuan kita, pero siya ang iyong nahanap na
kasagutan
kAHILOM | 45
Aking sinta, ikaw na ang tahanan at mundo.
Sa pagbuo ng pagkatao ko, salamat sa iyo.
Hindi ko man alam kung paano ko maibabalik ang
bagay na ito,
Pero ikaw ay mananatiling parte ng mundo ko.
Sa unang pagkikita,
Unang pagkakakilala,
Unang pagsaya sa piling ng isa’t isa,
Tila ba langit ang patuloy na nadarama.
Paano ba namang hindi, eh diba ikaw nga ang
tahanan at mundo ko?
Aking sinta, ikaw na ang tahanan at mundo.
Sa bawat pagkakataon na iniintindi mo ako, salamat
sa lahat ng ito.
Hindi lang naman problema dala ko sayo, pero lagi
mo akong suportado.
Salamat sa bawat pagsalo sa mga problema ko.
Salamat sa mga pagkakataong ikaw ang naging
sandalan ko.
Salamat sa bawat oportunidad na nakasama kita.
Salamat, aking araw at liwanag.
46 | KAHILOM
Aking sinta, ikaw parin ang aking tahanan at mundo.
Pakiramdam ko naman hindi ito magbabago.
Mula sa unang araw na tinanggap mo ako nang buo,
Purong pagmamahal ang mayroon ako para sa’yo.
Oo, mahal na nga kita.
Kung hindi man halata, aba bahala ka na.
Pero, wala din namang magbabago,
Dahil hindi naman ako ang iyong tahanan at mundo.
Aking sinta, siya ba ang iyong tahanan at mundo?
Siya na kasama mo sa mga panahong nakangiti ka ng
buo?
Ang hirap palang magmahal nang ganito.
Yung tipong pagmamahal na nakatingin siya sa iba,
ang sakit sa puso.
Pero ganoon naman siguro ang pagmamahal.
Kung hindi ka masasaktan, para saan pa at ika’y
natutong magmahal.
kAHILOM | 47
Aking sinta, bibitawan na kita bilang aking tahanan
at mundo.
Ayokong maisip mo na obligado ka sa nararamdaman
ko.
Hayaan mo lang akong masaktan dito, ayos lang
naman ako.
Hindi naman sobrang ayos, pero wala naman akong
magawa para piliin mo ako.
Magpakasaya ka na, panahon naman na.
Nakapag-pasalamat naman na ako sa iyo—panahon
na para ako’y bumitaw na muna.
Palipasin ang panahon na ako’y makalimot,
Paalam muna sa ngayon, aking sinta.
48 | KAHILOM
nikko
Aking sinta na minsan kong naging tahanan at
mundo,
Ang aking naging tahanan at mundo na hindi man
lang tumanaw sa direksiyon ko.
Mundo’y patuloy na magiging ikaw,
Kahit ang puso mo’y hindi ako ang sinisigaw.
kAHILOM | 49
TW // Mention of death, demon, hell
I. Why?
“The only thing that differs now is that we had a
problem. But other than that, I still love you and
you still love me.”
“Or did something change in your feelings towards
me?”
“I’m being honest. I promise you. And I still fucking
love you.”
Are you telling the truth, Athena?
Lies.
“That’s all that matters then. But if I caught you
one more time lying and making up stories— I’ll end
you in the worst way possible.”
“That’s fair. Deal.” She mumbled.
Lies.
50 | KAHILOM
“Even if you hide, I can and will find you. I’ll make
you pay for everything you said and promised
without fulfilling it.
“You’re so smart and I know you can do that. But
sure, if I lied one more time, hurt me in your best
ways.” She dauntlessly declared but a hint of fear
registered in her eyes.
Lies.
“I love you, love.” It’s a declaration of love but
why does it hurt?
Lies.
kAHILOM | 51
TW // Mention of death, demon, hell
ii. Love and Agony
I loved you. You made me feel I am capable of
loving someone despite the fact I'm a demon. These
damned motherfuckers from hell laugh at my
desire to be accepted. To be loved by someone as
pretty as you. But lies, deception..this human heart
is soft I can hear my brain begging to disagree with
this heart's decision. I've let love consume me. I’ve
let that person hurt me in the best way possible.
Now all that's left is me is rage mixed with agony.
The desire to destroy you. I am making sure you'll
regret that you lied to someone you didn't know
the capability of. You will rot in my home. Hell.
And together, we'll be damned forever.
52 | KAHILOM
III. Why are they afraid of Demons— when in fact,
humans are the evil one?
What could be more terrifying than to fall in love
with the wrong person? What impertinence is it to
say you love someone today and be gone the next
day?
To fall in love requires us to recognize the
feeling of longing, to render on our emotions,
such as being exposed and being scared.
Love is for the people who are afraid to be alone. I
didn't feel love before. But then, she smiled and
her soul was pure. And damned of all the damned,
I’m suddenly scared to be alone.
How could someone who wanted me first treat me
in this horrible way possible?
Humans are evil in nature.
kAHILOM | 53
TW // Mention of death, demon, hell
iv. How did it started?
“Pfft. Hahaha! I love you.” she muttered as she
drowns in the beauty of the moon.
“So you love me?” I jokingly asked, weird tugs
inside me started again.
“Well— maybe?”
“What do you mean maybe?”
Athena—
“Weeeeellll, maybe I love you?”
“In a romantic or platonic way?” Bastard, your
heart is in joy.
My cheeks start to have the lightest to darkest
shades of red at the thought.
“I sound like a child—" Yes you are, love. But I
loved you for who you are.
“It’s fine. It’s cuter than I imagined.” Me, trying to
hide the excitement and anticipation in my voice.
Love.
54 | KAHILOM
“Now I am embarrassed as hell. It’s okay if you love
me as a friend or something.”
“Am I getting a confession now? Like right now? Or
am I dreaming or a demon is tricking me or what?” I
want someone to appear and smack me hard in my
head so that I could wake up to this beautiful
dream.
My foolish and weak human heart cannot believe
her. The person I loved the most is confessing to
me right now.
“I love you in a romantic way.” Her eyes lit up as
she vocalized the thoughts in my head.
“Are you sure about it?” I was in denial.
I'm happy. This is what humans call happiness,
right?
“My confession is a bit shaky but yes..I’m sorry.” A
hint of sadness and disappointment in her soft
voice mixed.
“How can I put this into words?” Fuck this.
I love you. I love you so much, Athena.
kAHILOM | 55
TW // Mention of death, demon, hell
“I feel the same way too. I’m frightened of
everything, terrified of confessing first because I
might lose you, I might hear things that’ll break
me. For the first time, I didn’t do selfish things or
things that will go according to what I want. For
the first time, I have something to protect— my
feelings..and someone to lose.”
She smiled.
“I have no words. I’m overjoyed! I love you!” And
then she wraps her slender arms around me for a
tight hug.
After that, she danced crazily and it made my heart
leap. Damn, I love this person in front of me.
But those are all lies. And you're so stupid to
believe her.
56 | KAHILOM
anonymous
v. Humans are lucky, they can forget everything
the moment they die.
Now all that's left is pain. The same excruciating
pain that has made me numb. I wanted revenge. I’m in
a rage. I want to ruin her. I want to destroy
everything. But in the end, I bid her goodbye and
let her go. I’m powerless when it comes to her. I’m
left watching her be happy and forget about me as
she grows old and wrinkly.
And sometimes, memories are the worst form of
torture.
For someone like me who lives, it will remain in my
memory like a tattoo.
I love you, Athena.
Hah, and they said love is a beautiful feeling.
kAHILOM | 57
Hawak ko pa ang libro na niregalo mo sa akin.
Naalala ko nung sinabi mo na paborito mo ito,
tipong kahit ilang beses mo nang nabasa ay
handang-handa ka pa’rin ulitin. Sa may ilalim ng
puno, lagi kitang nadadatnan na nakayuko at magisang
inaako ang katahimikan ng paligid. Madalas
pang hindi mo ako napapansin kahit nakatayo na sa
harapan mo, kaya doon ko napagtanto kung gaano
mo kagusto ang magbasa.
Umaabot sa puntong iiyak ka bigla, sasabihin mo sa
akin na para bang iniipit ang dibdib mo. Minsan ay
nanggagalaiti ka sa nangyayari, tipong konti
nalang ay ibato mo sa akin ang pinakamalapit na
gamit sa paligid mo. May oras din na bigla mong
ikukwento sa akin na maihahalintulad ang
sitwasyon mo sa kalagayan ng isang karakter sa
istorya.
Kung mundo man ang isipan mo, handa akong
manatili riyan habangbuhay.
58 | KAHILOM
Binabasa ko ang ika-unang yugto, at naaalala ko pa
ang mga kilig na nadarama mo habang pinapalo ang
braso ko. Ito pala yun, kung tutuusin nakakakilig
nga. Dalawang taong walang inaasahan na pagusbong
ng isang relasyon. Nagsimula sa mga titig,
ngiti, pagbati… sa maliit na tiyansang bumubuo ng
tadhana. Ilang araw ang nakalipas, umabot na ako
sa ikaapat. Dito mo sinabi na nakita mo ang sarili mo
sa kanya. Nasaktan, pinabayaan, umaasang may
babalikan. Hindi mawala ang ngiti sa mga labi ko
habang nakikita ko ang nakaimprinta mong mukha sa
isipan ko, nakakapit sa akin na para bang tuluyan ka
nang sumuko sa libro. At kalaunan, umabot ako sa
ika-sampu⎯ang katapusan.
Ito pala yung tuluyan ka nang natahimik, dahandahan
mong isinara ang libro at tumingin ka sa akin.
“Tapos na.” Sambit mo, nakaukit sa iyong mga mata
ang hindi maintindihang emosyon. “Natapos ko na
ang istorya.”
Ngumiti nalang ako at hinalikan ka sa noo.
“Kwentuhan mo ako?”
kAHILOM | 59
Naaalala ko pa. Pero sa sampung gabi na nakalipas,
hindi lang pala iyon ang matatapos.
Ngayong hawak ko ang libro habang nakatayo ka sa
harapan ko, nilunok ko ang isang pagkalaki-laking
kaba na tuluyan akong nilalamon. Pero kung
tutuusin, nakita ko na. Sa bawat bigkas ng tatlong
salita, alam kong wala na. Alam kong hindi na kaya.
Nandito na tayo sa ikasampung yugto, ika-huling
pahina, sa huling pagkikita at pagkakataon.
“Tapos na.”
Tapos na.
“Tapos na tayo.”
60 | KAHILOM
lorenzo oikawa
Ang bulong ng pahimakas ay siyang nagsilbi na
tugtugin sa nagmamakaawa kong puso, pero wala
na akong magagawa. Nakatingin ka sa akin, sa libro,
at pabalik sa mga mata ko. Bumuka ang iyong bibig
at alam ko na ang maririnig kaya pinigilan kita.
Isang marahan na tono, sumasamo na huwag mong
ituloy. Kung humingi ka man ng tawad, kahit na
maging rason ng kamatayan ko⎯patatawarin kita.
Nakatayo tayo ngayon sa huling pahina ng ating
istorya, at pinapanood kong mawala ang bawat
hakbang mo. Isa, dalawa, tatlo, walang hinto at
walang pasabi… hanggang sa tuldok nalang ang
tanaw ko. Wala na, tapos na. Hindi na susubok muli,
para sa ating ikabubuti.
Hindi pa ngayon, hindi na muna;
Pero maisasara ko rin ang ating libro.
kAHILOM | 61
I thought I’d moved on from you, from us, from
the past that haunts me in my dreams every single
night—telling myself that you are just a small
piece from the past. I really thought I was over
you.
But who am I trying to fool?
When I refuse to drink coffee because it reminds me
of our morning habit; it reminds me of the
mornings where the first thing I will smell after I
wake up is the strong smell of freshly brewed
coffee all over our shared apartment because you
drink coffee every morning.
When I refuse to go out when it’s raining—not
because I am afraid to get wet, but because it
reminds me of the first time we met. That day was
one of the worst days for me, because I was on my
way home after a bad job interview, not to
mention drenched by the rain in the middle of my
way to the bus hallway. But you greeted me with a
smile, offering your umbrella.
When I refuse to listen to my favorite songs
because they remind me of you. Now I understand
why they always say not to dedicate your favorite
songs to someone;
62 | KAHILOM
anonymous
if things end badly between the two of you, every
single line would remind you of them.Every time I
listen to them, it always brings me back to the
time when we were happy, and it makes me wonder
what I did wrong or if I was ever enough for you. It
makes me wonder if I was not worth the effort of
an explanation because you left me without saying
anything.
And when I refuse to go to my regular coffee shop,
because that’s where we used to have dates every
weekend. Sitting at the corner of the cafe with a
cup of hot caramel macchiato each as we share a
piece of cake, simply talking about our days during
the whole week and our plans for next week.
What hurts the most is that the more I try to
forget you, the more every single thing around me
reminds me of you. How many more sleepless nights
do I have to go through before my heart can
finally stop whispering your name?
kAHILOM | 63
SL
1. sa ‘king pagpikit
‘sang awiting kay lamig
ay iyong tinig.
2. tanging hawakan
yakapin at pagmasdan
aking sumamo.
3. katahimikan
sa gabing ako’t ikaw
kapayapaan
4. ang pagbibilang
tamang kaligayahan
alaala na
5. at ang tadhana
gana ay nawala at
ika’y nawala na
6. ating pag-ibig
ngiti’y nasa labi
kahit sandali
7. minsa’y naisip
pagbitaw magpigil
ako’y naduwag
8. paalam irog
ibubulong sa hangin
aking kakayanin
64 | KAHILOM
LAGABLAB
PENTHOUSE