Kidney Matters - Issue 16 Spring 2022

12
Time to listen
FEATURE INTERVIEW
The physical and mental health challenges of kidney disease are often
addressed through patients. But what about those in the background,
caring for them? The people who often grieve in the shadows, helplessly
watching their loved ones suffer. To gain an insight, we talk to Farris Ali.
When I get asked the question of how my journey started, I always take a moment and pause
to think, is it my journey? It’s not me that is going through chronic kidney disease (CKD), but my
partner.
Meeting my partner for the first time, on a sunny afternoon at a coffee shop, I already knew she
had received a kidney transplant donated to her by her father. Before this, if I was ever asked about
CKD, you’d be lucky if I could tell you what the acronym meant. My life back then was engrossed in
trying to build a successful career and choosing what to do each weekend – this may come across
as very self-absorbed, but at that time I did not know better.
With some knowledge of CKD, and being madly in love, I felt it was the perfect time to start a new
chapter in my life. Travelling, food and adventures were all we knew and for the first few years of our
relationship, we shared many memories without having a worry in the world.
When did CKD impact you?
A few years into our marriage, my partner’s kidney transplant suddenly failed. Perplexed,
overwhelmed and confused were the best ways to describe my emotions at that time. I did not
know how to manage the situation or how to behave under the circumstances, and it took me a
long time to concede that I also had my own story.
“Education about the impact of mental health issues is required
and needs to evolve, especially within the South Asian community.
No one should have to suffer in silence“
Witnessing a loved one go through trauma is never easy, and for me, it also felt like a bereavement,
a death. As a man, I had an inherent and primal instinct to protect her, save her from pain. I felt
helpless. I kept asking myself what can I do to fix things?
In hindsight, I feel that this was not the right approach, it took me a long time to realise it is fine for
me to grieve as well as be a supportive husband. In South Asian communities, a culture of shame
is all too familiar for those suffering in silence from mental health problems. This is especially true
for men.
Not knowing how to manage, my wellbeing was impacted. Living up to cultural stereotypes as
a man, I never spoke about my emotions, fearing I might be perceived as being weak. I lived the
stereotype that men don’t talk or show any weakness. Neither did I want to project any negativity
on to my partner who was already going through enough.
How did you cope?
As always, hindsight is a great thing and I bet we all wish we had this in abundance when we are
going through difficulties. Harbouring emotions and creating untrue realities is never healthy. I
felt uncomfortable speaking to anyone, and this was because society and culture dictate men
shouldn’t talk about mental health.
When I finally decided to reach out to family and friends for help, I found that many did not
understand, and neither were they supportive of what I was going through. I was then forced
www.kidneycareuk.org