Emotional inteligence

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612/66114. Stonewalling: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce.15. Poisonous thoughts: Aaron Beck, Love Is Never Enough(New York: Harper and Row, 1988), pp. 145-46.16. Thoughts in troubled marriages: Gottman, What PredictsDivorce.17. The distorted thinking of violent husbands is described inAmy Holtzworth-Munroe and Glenn Hutchinson, "AttributingNegative Intent to Wife Behavior: The Attributions ofMaritally Violent Versus Nonviolent Men," Journal of AbnormalPsychology 102, 2 (1993), pp. 206-11. The suspiciousnessof sexually aggressive men: Neil Malamuth andLisa Brown, "Sexually Aggressive Men's Perceptions ofWomen's Communications," Journal of Personality andSocial Psychology 67 (1994).18. Battering husbands: There are three kinds of husbandswho become violent: those who rarely do, those who do soimpulsively when they get angered, and those who do so ina cool, calculated manner. Therapy seems helpful only withthe first two kinds. See Neil Jacobson et al., Clinical Handbookof Marital Therapy (New York: Guilford Press, 1994).19. Flooding: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce.20. Husbands dislike squabbles: Robert Levenson et al., "TheInfluence of Age and Gender on Affect, Physiology, andTheir Interrelations: A Study of Long-term Marriages,"Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 67 (1994).21. Flooding in husbands: Gottman, What Predicts Divorce.22. Men stonewall, women criticize: Gottman, What PredictsDivorce.
23. "Wife Charged with Shooting Husband Over Football onTV," The New York Times (Nov. 3, 1993).24. Productive marital fights: Gottman, What PredictsDivorce.25. Lack of repair abilities in couples: Gottman, What PredictsDivorce.26. The four steps that lead to "goodfights" are from Gottman,Why Marriages Succeed or Fail.27. Monitoring pulse rate: Gottman, Ibid.28. Catching automatic thoughts: Beck, Love Is NeverEnough.29. Mirroring: Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want(New York: Henry Holt, 1988).Chapter 10. Managing With Heart613/6611. The crash of the intimidating pilot: Carl Lavin, "WhenMoods Affect Safety: Communications in a Cockpit Mean aLot a Few Miles Up," The New York Times (June 26, 1994).2. The survey of 250 executives: Michael Maccoby, "The CorporateClimber Has to Find His Heart," Fortune (Dec.1976).3. Zuboff: in conversation, June 1994. For the impact of informationtechnologies, see her book In the Age of theSmart Machine (New York: Basic Books, 1991).
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EMOTIONALINTELLIGENCEWHY IT CAN MAT
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For Tara, wellspring of emotional w
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WINDOWS OF OPPORTUNITY12. The Famil
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8/661the rich possibilities the cit
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10/661this erratic tide of outburst
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12/661has rushed a welter of self-h
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14/661quantum level in physics, alt
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16/661the emotional and social skil
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PART ONETHE EMOTIONAL BRAIN
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20/661species. 2 Seen from the pers
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22/661But Bobby Crabtree and his wi
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at the Crabtree household. In short
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26/661the face blanch as blood is s
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28/661These biological propensities
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30/661able to ponder and reflect. B
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32/661To better grasp the potent ho
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34/661them. Because this part of th
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36/661the family unit and the long-
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2Anatomy of an Emotional HijackingL
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moment passes, those so possessed h
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42/661feeling, as well as any feeli
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44/661It is in moments such as thes
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46/661did he realize that the girl
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48/661LeDoux overturned the prevail
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original signal goes straight from
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messages from the brain to regulate
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54/661memories date from the first
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56/661falling—illustrates the pow
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sensory information that have not b
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60/661to the amygdala, but to the n
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62/661zones to the emotional urgenc
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64/661capacity of attention that ho
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66/661the amygdala, whatever the ne
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PART TWOTHE NATURE OFEMOTIONALINTEL
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70/661After transferring to a priva
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course it accounts for. But what da
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74/661level of young people of comp
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76/661margins of games rather than
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78/661competencies and gifts, and c
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80/661varieties of intelligence. In
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82/661discern and respond appropria
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84/661Mr. Spock, the archetype of d
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you get that are essential for inte
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88/661for instance, so highly value
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the subtle social signals that indi
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92/661adept in the realm of mind bu
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4Know ThyselfA belligerent samurai,
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96/661faculty of mind in writing of
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98/661• Self-aware. Aware of thei
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100/661Temple University, to assess
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102/661Gary was emotionally flat, c
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104/661silent. When her therapist t
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106/661Elliot's tumor, growing just
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108/661accepting virtually every po
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110/661It may be that a talent for
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112/661just out of his awareness an
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114/661proportionate to circumstanc
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116/661have treated them, leaving t
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worked themselves into a rage in or
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explain why some views about it are
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are so much more prone to anger if
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subsided, and a third on top of tho
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can no longer think straight. When
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it stops that angry train of though
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Tice found that ventilating anger i
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132/661the anxiety disorders: phobi
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134/661method. In short, the worrie
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136/661thoughts, they do not seem t
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138/661learn relaxation methods tha
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140/661finally, make the psychologi
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142/661people ruminate. Worrying ab
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and think of more positive alternat
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146/661references to it in the thou
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148/661state, but not so well for d
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pain of their own. Throwing oneself
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152/661troubling situation such as
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154/661not faking their lack of awa
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6The Master AptitudeJust once in my
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158/661When emotions overwhelm conc
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160/661have an average IQ advantage
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162/661incipient movement, most lik
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164/661provoking arguments and figh
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FOUL MOODS, FOULED THINKING166/661I
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168/661often made him do poorly on
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170/661easier to find solutions to
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172/661Although you set your goal o
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174/661finds, share certain traits,
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176/661Seligman defines optimism in
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178/661successful). This special gr
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180/661experienced this time and ag
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182/661Flow is a state of self-forg
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184/661"cool" state, its arousal an
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186/661in art school by dreams of f
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188/661learning in the domains wher
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190/661effectively—all bespeak th
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192/661the root of caring, stems fr
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school, even though, on average, th
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196/661mother cry, one baby wiped h
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198/661she treated each boy. When t
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Attunement is very different from s
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But there is hope in "reparative" r
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204/661all had the same neutral mea
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seem to mean that the brain is desi
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208/661say—there can be little or
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210/661of an entire group, such as
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212/661cycle that precipitates thei
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214/661While there may be some smal
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216/661been torturers for terrorist
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218/661results as meaning that psyc
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8The Social ArtsAs so often happens
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222/661able to draw on a large repe
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224/661One key social competence is
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propriety; they dictate how our own
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228/661emotional skills make us fee
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230/661mimic the facial expression
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232/661audience of thousands in thi
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234/661• Organizing groups —the
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236/661they are having the desired
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more in keeping with their true fee
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240/661Whether Cecil's deficiency w
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242/661emotion, and who unwittingly
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244/661following dialogue from four
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Roger asks, before committing himse
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248/661Seeing him, the drunk roared
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PART THREEEMOTIONALINTELLIGENCE APP
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252/661staggering 67 percent! 1 If
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254/661hers. The roots of these emo
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256/661When girls play together, th
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258/661couple has "good communicati
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about how to disagree is key to mar
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262/661An early warning signal that
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264/661hurtful is the body language
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266/661The children are being rambu
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268/661that he is an innocent victi
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laughing with the same attractive m
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272/661one or another spouse feels
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274/661Husbands are prone to floodi
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276/661specific advice for men and
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278/661watching the game in the den
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though we may have sworn that we wo
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Because flooding is triggered by ne
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284/661attention to be paid. Then i
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yourself. Another is to take respon
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10Managing with HeartMelburn McBroo
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290/661"hard" decisions that busine
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292/661of work by his team to the c
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in terms of what is expected of the
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296/661reinforces such thoughts. An
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298/661Consider the alternative.An
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300/661Otherwise it leaves the reci
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302/661nothing I can do about it."
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budge the biases of those employees
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themselves that he's just unusual,
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308/661way; respect for the individ
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Still, since prejudices are a varie
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312/661that the explicit hierarchy
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314/661But harmony allows a group t
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316/661with people whose services m
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318/661self-motivated enough to tak
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320/661was irrelevant at that momen
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322/661by a medical model that dism
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324/661travel in the bloodstream th
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326/661cells are stored or made—a
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328/661bleeding is one of the most
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330/661percent or greater—a range
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332/661Once heart disease develops,
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334/661help them soften the attitud
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336/661that are conjured by the min
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338/661the most stressful lives, 47
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stress, their ATP levels rose sharp
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342/661One complication in treating
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344/661walk again. But depressed wo
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346/661Like its near cousin optimis
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348/661comforting than the same sma
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relationships take their own toll.
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352/661Perhaps the most powerful de
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354/661As we were leaving the exam
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356/661home—a progressive step th
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358/661effects would be to impart m
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patients to go elsewhere for care,
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12The Family CrucibleIt's a low-key
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364/661There are hundreds of studie
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366/661instance, use bargaining and
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physiological indicators of emotion
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370/661The difference between the t
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4. Self-control. The ability to mod
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374/661efforts to get solace will m
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opportunity at all, let alone equal
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learned, and how grim the costs for
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380/661distress of a child nearby w
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382/661of the brain's limbic center
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384/661In ensuing months, the Purdy
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386/661disorder, or PTSD. At the co
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endured semistarvation, the slaught
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390/661overwhelming terror. 4 While
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and dying—or for a teacher there,
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394/661ceruleus—alerting the body
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All these neural changes offer shor
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of calm—the amygdala never relear
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400/661better outcome: sometimes in
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ex-lover. The man brought them to a
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404/661friends and family to form a
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406/661The therapist encourages the
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408/661Aftereffects or occasional r
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410/661cannot keep it from reacting
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412/661habits of the heart learned
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414/661different pattern of brain a
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416/661monsters. Though he has felt
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418/661five infants falls into the
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420/661These sensitive children are
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422/661to help her up, and as I did
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424/661or the other type, says Davi
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426/661parents, and so how they lea
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428/661When the encounter takes pla
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430/661spontaneously outgrew their
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432/661was reopened, the animal was
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The remarkable finding, though, was
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436/661switch for distress. The inf
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438/661emotional habits are malleab
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15The Cost of Emotional IlliteracyI
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example, heroin and cocaine use amo
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444/661While any of these problems
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both parents work long hours, so th
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448/661themselves as victims and ca
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450/661But studies that have follow
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452/661attracted to their defiant s
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454/661aggressive kids learn to con
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456/661Dana, sixteen, had always se
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that predispose children to react t
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460/661worldwide. When I asked expe
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462/661more severe episodes later i
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Indeed, when depressed children hav
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466/661when they get a worse grade
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468/661The good news: there is ever
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Learning these emotional skills at
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472/661study allows a clean compari
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474/661observed that these girls "h
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476/661Ben then stalks off to his e
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478/661being sad, angry, or mischie
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make the difference—even when all
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482/661the circle of friendship wit
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484/661One current scientific theor
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486/661helped ease their anxiety or
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488/661treated for addiction to her
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490/661core of resilience to surviv
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ineffective. A few, to the chagrin
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494/661Those children who got the m
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496/661anxiety. A key ability in im
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16Schooling the EmotionsThe main ho
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500/661children who are faltering a
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ingrained; as experiences are repea
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A POINT OF CONTENTION504/661But as
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506/661could also be part of lighte
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508/661spiral into aggression. Whil
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These are the topics of gripping im
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512/661responsibility for decisions
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514/661twenty thousand people emplo
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bring in pictures of a person's fac
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518/661from the basics for yet anot
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negotiated. And since that is an ap
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522/661Such interventions work best
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524/661school, Hamburg notes, are a
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526/661By fourth and fifth grade, a
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528/661into incidents like the hall
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530/661I don't try to do the negati
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532/661important for those prone to
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New Haven schools, when teachers fi
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536/661responsible adults volunteer
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538/661such as problems with girlfr
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540/661The story seems innocuous en
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• Better able to express anger ap
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544/661becoming better friends, stu
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546/661happens as children build th
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548/661and given the quantum of hop
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APPENDIX AWhat Is Emotion?A word ab
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552/661feelings such as doubt, comp
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APPENDIX BHallmarks of the Emotiona
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556/661overall picture or the most
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558/661emotional mind, the "first i
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reactions. A few exceptions aside,
Page 562 and 563: This childlike mode is self-confirm
Page 564 and 565: we behave when enraged or dejected;
Page 566 and 567: 566/661Say you're alone one night a
Page 568 and 569: 568/661corticomedial area of the am
Page 570 and 571: 570/661neurotransmitters, for examp
Page 572 and 573: 572/661• Using steps for problem-
Page 574 and 575: APPENDIX EThe Self ScienceCurriculu
Page 576 and 577: 576/661SOURCE: Karen F. Stone and H
Page 578 and 579: SOURCES: E. Schaps and V. Battistic
Page 580 and 581: M. T. Greenberg and C. A. Kusche, P
Page 582 and 583: 582/661RESULTS:• Improved problem
Page 584 and 585: 584/661• Increased ability to "si
Page 586 and 587: 586/6616. Only in adults: An observ
Page 588 and 589: 588/661About Emotion. New York: Oxf
Page 590 and 591: 590/6616. Unconscious preferences:
Page 592 and 593: 592/661the amygdala are especially
Page 594 and 595: 594/6613. Richard Herrnstein and Ch
Page 596 and 597: used statistical methods to assess
Page 598 and 599: 14. Unconscious fear: The snake stu
Page 600 and 601: 13. Therapies for anxiety disorder:
Page 602 and 603: 602/6618. SAT scores of impulsive a
Page 604 and 605: 26. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Flow:
Page 606 and 607: 8. Stern, op. cit.606/6619. The dep
Page 608 and 609: 608/6612. The display rules are in
Page 610 and 611: 610/6611. There are many ways to ca
Page 614 and 615: 614/6614. The story of the sarcasti
Page 616 and 617: Chapter 11. Mind and Medicine616/66
Page 618 and 619: 618/6619. Of the dozen or so studie
Page 620 and 621: 620/66122. Stress weakens the immun
Page 622 and 623: 622/66129. Depression and disease:
Page 624 and 625: 624/661cortisol, and catecholamines
Page 626 and 627: 56. Unethical not to treat depressi
Page 628 and 629: 628/661teachers had said were the m
Page 630 and 631: 630/6618. Some of the evidence for
Page 632 and 633: 632/661there is something reminisce
Page 634 and 635: victim—"Why me?"—needs to be ad
Page 636 and 637: Nonrepressors," Journal of Abnormal
Page 638 and 639: 638/661percent jump over the 1980 r
Page 640 and 641: 640/6619. The comparison across nat
Page 642 and 643: 642/661of the Society for Research
Page 644 and 645: 644/661Adolescents," Journal of Abn
Page 646 and 647: 646/66148. Two fifths are heavy dri
Page 648 and 649: 65. The figure for boys and girls r
Page 650 and 651: 650/66111. Emotional-literacy progr
Page 652 and 653: 652/6617. While it may seem self-ev
Page 654 and 655: 654/661heightened social and emotio
Page 656 and 657: 656/661Toni Burbank, my editor at B
Page 658 and 659: By the same authorVital Lies, Simpl
Page 660 and 661: www.bloomsbury.com/danielgoleman660
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