Emotional inteligence
476/661Ben then stalks off to his empty table, crying quietly.Jason and Chad go over to him and try to talk to him,but Ben puts his fingers in his ears, determinedly ignoringthem, and runs out of the lunchroom to hide behindthe school Dumpster. A group of girls who have witnessedthe exchange try to play a peacemaker role, findingBen and telling him that Jason is willing to play withhim too. But Ben will have none of it, and tells them toleave him alone. He nurses his wounds, sulking and sobbing,defiantly alone. 41A poignant moment, to be sure; the feeling of beingrejected and friendless is one most everyone goesthrough at some point in childhood or adolescence. Butwhat is most telling about Ben's reaction is his failure torespond to Jason's efforts to repair their friendship, astance that extends his plight when it might have ended.Such an inability to seize key cues is typical of childrenwho are unpopular; as we saw in Chapter 8, socially rejectedchildren typically are poor at reading emotionaland social signals; even when they do read such signals,they may have limited repertoires for response.Dropping out of school is a particular risk for childrenwho are social rejects. The dropout rate for children whoare rejected by their peers is between two and eighttimes greater than for children who have friends. Onestudy found, for example, that about 25 percent of
477/661children who were unpopular in elementary school haddropped out before completing high school, comparedto a general rate of 8 percent. 42 Small wonder: imaginespending thirty hours a week in a place where no onelikes you.Two kinds of emotional proclivities lead children toend up as social outcasts. As we have seen, one is thepropensity to angry outbursts and to perceive hostilityeven where none is intended. The second is being timid,anxious, and socially shy. But over and above these temperamentalfactors, it is children who are "off—whoseawkwardness repeatedly makes people uncomfortable—whotend to be shunted aside.One way these children are "off is in the emotionalsignals they send. When grade schoolers with fewfriends were asked to match an emotion such as disgustor anger with faces that displayed a range of emotions,they made far more mismatches than did children whowere popular. When kindergarteners were asked to explainways they might make friends with someone orkeep from having a fight, it was the unpopular children—theones others shied away from playingwith—who came up with self-defeating answers ("Punchhim" for what to do when both children wanted thesame toy, for example), or vague appeals for help from agrown-up. And when teenagers were asked to role-play
- Page 426 and 427: 426/661parents, and so how they lea
- Page 428 and 429: 428/661When the encounter takes pla
- Page 430 and 431: 430/661spontaneously outgrew their
- Page 432 and 433: 432/661was reopened, the animal was
- Page 434 and 435: The remarkable finding, though, was
- Page 436 and 437: 436/661switch for distress. The inf
- Page 438 and 439: 438/661emotional habits are malleab
- Page 440 and 441: 15The Cost of Emotional IlliteracyI
- Page 442 and 443: example, heroin and cocaine use amo
- Page 444 and 445: 444/661While any of these problems
- Page 446 and 447: both parents work long hours, so th
- Page 448 and 449: 448/661themselves as victims and ca
- Page 450 and 451: 450/661But studies that have follow
- Page 452 and 453: 452/661attracted to their defiant s
- Page 454 and 455: 454/661aggressive kids learn to con
- Page 456 and 457: 456/661Dana, sixteen, had always se
- Page 458 and 459: that predispose children to react t
- Page 460 and 461: 460/661worldwide. When I asked expe
- Page 462 and 463: 462/661more severe episodes later i
- Page 464 and 465: Indeed, when depressed children hav
- Page 466 and 467: 466/661when they get a worse grade
- Page 468 and 469: 468/661The good news: there is ever
- Page 470 and 471: Learning these emotional skills at
- Page 472 and 473: 472/661study allows a clean compari
- Page 474 and 475: 474/661observed that these girls "h
- Page 478 and 479: 478/661being sad, angry, or mischie
- Page 480 and 481: make the difference—even when all
- Page 482 and 483: 482/661the circle of friendship wit
- Page 484 and 485: 484/661One current scientific theor
- Page 486 and 487: 486/661helped ease their anxiety or
- Page 488 and 489: 488/661treated for addiction to her
- Page 490 and 491: 490/661core of resilience to surviv
- Page 492 and 493: ineffective. A few, to the chagrin
- Page 494 and 495: 494/661Those children who got the m
- Page 496 and 497: 496/661anxiety. A key ability in im
- Page 498 and 499: 16Schooling the EmotionsThe main ho
- Page 500 and 501: 500/661children who are faltering a
- Page 502 and 503: ingrained; as experiences are repea
- Page 504 and 505: A POINT OF CONTENTION504/661But as
- Page 506 and 507: 506/661could also be part of lighte
- Page 508 and 509: 508/661spiral into aggression. Whil
- Page 510 and 511: These are the topics of gripping im
- Page 512 and 513: 512/661responsibility for decisions
- Page 514 and 515: 514/661twenty thousand people emplo
- Page 516 and 517: bring in pictures of a person's fac
- Page 518 and 519: 518/661from the basics for yet anot
- Page 520 and 521: negotiated. And since that is an ap
- Page 522 and 523: 522/661Such interventions work best
- Page 524 and 525: 524/661school, Hamburg notes, are a
476/661
Ben then stalks off to his empty table, crying quietly.
Jason and Chad go over to him and try to talk to him,
but Ben puts his fingers in his ears, determinedly ignoring
them, and runs out of the lunchroom to hide behind
the school Dumpster. A group of girls who have witnessed
the exchange try to play a peacemaker role, finding
Ben and telling him that Jason is willing to play with
him too. But Ben will have none of it, and tells them to
leave him alone. He nurses his wounds, sulking and sobbing,
defiantly alone. 41
A poignant moment, to be sure; the feeling of being
rejected and friendless is one most everyone goes
through at some point in childhood or adolescence. But
what is most telling about Ben's reaction is his failure to
respond to Jason's efforts to repair their friendship, a
stance that extends his plight when it might have ended.
Such an inability to seize key cues is typical of children
who are unpopular; as we saw in Chapter 8, socially rejected
children typically are poor at reading emotional
and social signals; even when they do read such signals,
they may have limited repertoires for response.
Dropping out of school is a particular risk for children
who are social rejects. The dropout rate for children who
are rejected by their peers is between two and eight
times greater than for children who have friends. One
study found, for example, that about 25 percent of