Emotional inteligence
456/661Dana, sixteen, had always seemed to get along. Butnow, suddenly, she just could not relate with othergirls, and, more troubling for her, she could not finda way to hold on to boyfriends, even though sheslept with them. Morose and constantly fatigued,Dana lost interest in eating, in having fun of anykind; she said she felt hopeless and helpless to doanything to escape her mood, and was thinking ofsuicide.The drop into depression had been triggered byher most recent breakup. She said she didn't knowhow to go out with a boy without getting sexuallyinvolved right away—even if she was uncomfortableabout it—and that she did not know how to end arelationship even if it was unsatisfying. She went tobed with boys, she said, when all she really wantedto do was get to know them better.She had just moved to a new school, and felt shyand anxious about making friends with girls there.For instance, she held back from starting conversations,only talking once someone spoke to her. Shefelt unable to let them know what she was like, anddidn't even feel she knew what to say after "Hello,how are you?" 22Dana went for therapy to an experimental program fordepressed adolescents at Columbia University. Her
457/661treatment focused on helping her learn how to handleher relationships better: how to develop a friendship,how to feel more confident with other teens, how to assertlimits on sexual closeness, how to be intimate, howto express her feelings. In essence, it was a remedial tutorialin some of the most basic emotional skills. And itworked; her depression lifted.Particularly in young people, problems in relationshipsare a trigger for depression. The difficulty is as oftenin children's relationships with their parents as it iswith their peers. Depressed children and teenagers arefrequently unable or unwilling to talk about their sadness.They seem unable to label their feelings accurately,showing instead a sullen irritability, impatience, crankiness,and anger—especially toward their parents. This,in turn, makes it harder for their parents to offer theemotional support and guidance the depressed child actuallyneeds, setting in motion a downward spiral thattypically ends in constant arguments and alienation.A new look at the causes of depression in the youngpinpoints deficits in two areas of emotional competence:relationship skills, on the one hand, and a depressionpromotingway of interpreting setbacks, on the other.While some of the tendency to depression almost certainlyis due to genetic destiny, some of that tendencyseems due to reversible, pessimistic habits of thought
- Page 406 and 407: 406/661The therapist encourages the
- Page 408 and 409: 408/661Aftereffects or occasional r
- Page 410 and 411: 410/661cannot keep it from reacting
- Page 412 and 413: 412/661habits of the heart learned
- Page 414 and 415: 414/661different pattern of brain a
- Page 416 and 417: 416/661monsters. Though he has felt
- Page 418 and 419: 418/661five infants falls into the
- Page 420 and 421: 420/661These sensitive children are
- Page 422 and 423: 422/661to help her up, and as I did
- Page 424 and 425: 424/661or the other type, says Davi
- Page 426 and 427: 426/661parents, and so how they lea
- Page 428 and 429: 428/661When the encounter takes pla
- Page 430 and 431: 430/661spontaneously outgrew their
- Page 432 and 433: 432/661was reopened, the animal was
- Page 434 and 435: The remarkable finding, though, was
- Page 436 and 437: 436/661switch for distress. The inf
- Page 438 and 439: 438/661emotional habits are malleab
- Page 440 and 441: 15The Cost of Emotional IlliteracyI
- Page 442 and 443: example, heroin and cocaine use amo
- Page 444 and 445: 444/661While any of these problems
- Page 446 and 447: both parents work long hours, so th
- Page 448 and 449: 448/661themselves as victims and ca
- Page 450 and 451: 450/661But studies that have follow
- Page 452 and 453: 452/661attracted to their defiant s
- Page 454 and 455: 454/661aggressive kids learn to con
- Page 458 and 459: that predispose children to react t
- Page 460 and 461: 460/661worldwide. When I asked expe
- Page 462 and 463: 462/661more severe episodes later i
- Page 464 and 465: Indeed, when depressed children hav
- Page 466 and 467: 466/661when they get a worse grade
- Page 468 and 469: 468/661The good news: there is ever
- Page 470 and 471: Learning these emotional skills at
- Page 472 and 473: 472/661study allows a clean compari
- Page 474 and 475: 474/661observed that these girls "h
- Page 476 and 477: 476/661Ben then stalks off to his e
- Page 478 and 479: 478/661being sad, angry, or mischie
- Page 480 and 481: make the difference—even when all
- Page 482 and 483: 482/661the circle of friendship wit
- Page 484 and 485: 484/661One current scientific theor
- Page 486 and 487: 486/661helped ease their anxiety or
- Page 488 and 489: 488/661treated for addiction to her
- Page 490 and 491: 490/661core of resilience to surviv
- Page 492 and 493: ineffective. A few, to the chagrin
- Page 494 and 495: 494/661Those children who got the m
- Page 496 and 497: 496/661anxiety. A key ability in im
- Page 498 and 499: 16Schooling the EmotionsThe main ho
- Page 500 and 501: 500/661children who are faltering a
- Page 502 and 503: ingrained; as experiences are repea
- Page 504 and 505: A POINT OF CONTENTION504/661But as
456/661
Dana, sixteen, had always seemed to get along. But
now, suddenly, she just could not relate with other
girls, and, more troubling for her, she could not find
a way to hold on to boyfriends, even though she
slept with them. Morose and constantly fatigued,
Dana lost interest in eating, in having fun of any
kind; she said she felt hopeless and helpless to do
anything to escape her mood, and was thinking of
suicide.
The drop into depression had been triggered by
her most recent breakup. She said she didn't know
how to go out with a boy without getting sexually
involved right away—even if she was uncomfortable
about it—and that she did not know how to end a
relationship even if it was unsatisfying. She went to
bed with boys, she said, when all she really wanted
to do was get to know them better.
She had just moved to a new school, and felt shy
and anxious about making friends with girls there.
For instance, she held back from starting conversations,
only talking once someone spoke to her. She
felt unable to let them know what she was like, and
didn't even feel she knew what to say after "Hello,
how are you?" 22
Dana went for therapy to an experimental program for
depressed adolescents at Columbia University. Her