Emotional inteligence
both parents work long hours, so that children are left totheir own devices or the TV baby-sits; when more childrenthan ever grow up in poverty; when the one-parentfamily is becoming ever more commonplace; when moreinfants and toddlers are left in day care so poorly runthat it amounts to neglect. All this means, even for wellintentionedparents, the erosion of the countless small,nourishing exchanges between parent and child thatbuild emotional competences.If families no longer function effectively to put all ourchildren on a firm footing for life, what are we to do? Amore careful look at the mechanics of specific problemssuggests how given deficits in emotional or social competenceslay the foundation for grave problems—andhow well-aimed correctives or preventives could keepmore children on track.TAMING AGGRESSION446/661In my elementary school the tough kid was Jimmy, afourth grader when I was in first grade. He was the kidwho would steal your lunch money, take your bike, slugyou as soon as talk to you. Jimmy was the classic bully,starting fights with the least provocation, or none at all.We all stood in awe of Jimmy—and we all stood at a distance.Everyone hated and feared Jimmy; no one wouldplay with him. It was as though everywhere he went on
447/661the playground an invisible bodyguard cleared kids outof his way.Kids like Jimmy are clearly troubled. But what may beless obvious is that being so flagrantly aggressive inchildhood is a mark of emotional and other troubles tocome. Jimmy was in jail for assault by the time hereached sixteen.The lifelong legacy of childhood aggressiveness in kidslike Jimmy has emerged from many studies. 11 As wehave seen, the family life of such aggressive childrentypically includes parents who alternate neglect withharsh and capricious punishments, a pattern that, perhapsunderstandably, makes the children a bit paranoidor combative.Not all angry children are bullies; some are withdrawnsocial outcasts who overreact to being teased or to whatthey perceive as slights or unfairness. But the one perceptualflaw that unites such children is that they perceiveslights where none were intended, imagining theirpeers to be more hostile toward them than they actuallyare. This leads them to misperceive neutral acts asthreatening ones—an innocent bump is seen as a vendetta—andto attack in return. That, of course, leadsother children to shun them, isolating them further.Such angry, isolated children are highly sensitive to injusticesand being treated unfairly. They typically see
- Page 396 and 397: All these neural changes offer shor
- Page 398 and 399: of calm—the amygdala never relear
- Page 400 and 401: 400/661better outcome: sometimes in
- Page 402 and 403: ex-lover. The man brought them to a
- Page 404 and 405: 404/661friends and family to form a
- Page 406 and 407: 406/661The therapist encourages the
- Page 408 and 409: 408/661Aftereffects or occasional r
- Page 410 and 411: 410/661cannot keep it from reacting
- Page 412 and 413: 412/661habits of the heart learned
- Page 414 and 415: 414/661different pattern of brain a
- Page 416 and 417: 416/661monsters. Though he has felt
- Page 418 and 419: 418/661five infants falls into the
- Page 420 and 421: 420/661These sensitive children are
- Page 422 and 423: 422/661to help her up, and as I did
- Page 424 and 425: 424/661or the other type, says Davi
- Page 426 and 427: 426/661parents, and so how they lea
- Page 428 and 429: 428/661When the encounter takes pla
- Page 430 and 431: 430/661spontaneously outgrew their
- Page 432 and 433: 432/661was reopened, the animal was
- Page 434 and 435: The remarkable finding, though, was
- Page 436 and 437: 436/661switch for distress. The inf
- Page 438 and 439: 438/661emotional habits are malleab
- Page 440 and 441: 15The Cost of Emotional IlliteracyI
- Page 442 and 443: example, heroin and cocaine use amo
- Page 444 and 445: 444/661While any of these problems
- Page 448 and 449: 448/661themselves as victims and ca
- Page 450 and 451: 450/661But studies that have follow
- Page 452 and 453: 452/661attracted to their defiant s
- Page 454 and 455: 454/661aggressive kids learn to con
- Page 456 and 457: 456/661Dana, sixteen, had always se
- Page 458 and 459: that predispose children to react t
- Page 460 and 461: 460/661worldwide. When I asked expe
- Page 462 and 463: 462/661more severe episodes later i
- Page 464 and 465: Indeed, when depressed children hav
- Page 466 and 467: 466/661when they get a worse grade
- Page 468 and 469: 468/661The good news: there is ever
- Page 470 and 471: Learning these emotional skills at
- Page 472 and 473: 472/661study allows a clean compari
- Page 474 and 475: 474/661observed that these girls "h
- Page 476 and 477: 476/661Ben then stalks off to his e
- Page 478 and 479: 478/661being sad, angry, or mischie
- Page 480 and 481: make the difference—even when all
- Page 482 and 483: 482/661the circle of friendship wit
- Page 484 and 485: 484/661One current scientific theor
- Page 486 and 487: 486/661helped ease their anxiety or
- Page 488 and 489: 488/661treated for addiction to her
- Page 490 and 491: 490/661core of resilience to surviv
- Page 492 and 493: ineffective. A few, to the chagrin
- Page 494 and 495: 494/661Those children who got the m
447/661
the playground an invisible bodyguard cleared kids out
of his way.
Kids like Jimmy are clearly troubled. But what may be
less obvious is that being so flagrantly aggressive in
childhood is a mark of emotional and other troubles to
come. Jimmy was in jail for assault by the time he
reached sixteen.
The lifelong legacy of childhood aggressiveness in kids
like Jimmy has emerged from many studies. 11 As we
have seen, the family life of such aggressive children
typically includes parents who alternate neglect with
harsh and capricious punishments, a pattern that, perhaps
understandably, makes the children a bit paranoid
or combative.
Not all angry children are bullies; some are withdrawn
social outcasts who overreact to being teased or to what
they perceive as slights or unfairness. But the one perceptual
flaw that unites such children is that they perceive
slights where none were intended, imagining their
peers to be more hostile toward them than they actually
are. This leads them to misperceive neutral acts as
threatening ones—an innocent bump is seen as a vendetta—and
to attack in return. That, of course, leads
other children to shun them, isolating them further.
Such angry, isolated children are highly sensitive to injustices
and being treated unfairly. They typically see