Emotional inteligence
12The Family CrucibleIt's a low-key family tragedy. Carl and Ann areshowing their daughter Leslie, just five, how to playa brand-new video game. But as Leslie starts toplay, her parents' overly eager attempts to "help"her just seem to get in the way. Contradictory ordersfly in every direction."To the right, to the right—stop. Stop. Stop!" Ann,the mother, urges, her voice growing more intentand anxious as Leslie, sucking on her lip andstaring wide-eyed at the video screen, struggles tofollow these directives."See, you're not lined up . . . put it to the left! Tothe left!" Carl, the girl's father, brusquely orders.Meanwhile Ann, her eyes rolling upward in frustration,yells over his advice, "Stop! Stop!"Leslie, unable to please either her father or hermother, contorts her jaw in tension and blinks asher eyes fill with tears.Her parents start bickering, ignoring Leslie'stears. "She's not moving the stick that much!" Anntells Carl, exasperated.As the tears start rolling down Leslie's cheeks,neither parent makes any move that indicates they
363/661notice or care. As Leslie raises her hand to wipe hereyes, her father snaps, "Okay, put your hand backon the stick . . . you wanna get ready to shoot. Okay,put it over!" And her mother barks, "Okay, move itjust a teeny bit!"But by now Leslie is sobbing softly, alone with heranguish.At such moments children learn deep lessons. ForLeslie one conclusion from this painful exchange mightwell be that neither her parents, nor anyone else, forthat matter, cares about her feelings. 1 When similar momentsare repeated countless times over the course ofchildhood they impart some of the most fundamentalemotional messages of a lifetime—lessons that can determinea life course. Family life is our first school foremotional learning; in this intimate cauldron we learnhow to feel about ourselves and how others will react toour feelings; how to think about these feelings and whatchoices we have in reacting; how to read and expresshopes and fears. This emotional schooling operates notjust through the things that parents say and do directlyto children, but also in the models they offer for handlingtheir own feelings and those that pass between husbandand wife. Some parents are gifted emotional teachers,others atrocious.
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- Page 364 and 365: 364/661There are hundreds of studie
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- Page 388 and 389: endured semistarvation, the slaught
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notice or care. As Leslie raises her hand to wipe her
eyes, her father snaps, "Okay, put your hand back
on the stick . . . you wanna get ready to shoot. Okay,
put it over!" And her mother barks, "Okay, move it
just a teeny bit!"
But by now Leslie is sobbing softly, alone with her
anguish.
At such moments children learn deep lessons. For
Leslie one conclusion from this painful exchange might
well be that neither her parents, nor anyone else, for
that matter, cares about her feelings. 1 When similar moments
are repeated countless times over the course of
childhood they impart some of the most fundamental
emotional messages of a lifetime—lessons that can determine
a life course. Family life is our first school for
emotional learning; in this intimate cauldron we learn
how to feel about ourselves and how others will react to
our feelings; how to think about these feelings and what
choices we have in reacting; how to read and express
hopes and fears. This emotional schooling operates not
just through the things that parents say and do directly
to children, but also in the models they offer for handling
their own feelings and those that pass between husband
and wife. Some parents are gifted emotional teachers,
others atrocious.
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